Carlightenment – Spontaneity, Innovation and Panda


This post is dedicated to my self-help course, Carlightenment. I have also created a website for the course, called Carlightenment. (I could have called it something cool like Peanut Butter or Monkey Sweat, but I didn’t want to confuse people.)

Spontaneity, Innovation and Panda
*Why Panda? Because they’re cool. it also works as a metaphor for eating your way through the bamboo of life.

Dudes and girl dudes, young and not as young, you’re about to hear something that will change your life! I’m not talking about a magical genie like the one my cousin Joe claimed to find. I’m talking about Carlightenment, the self-help course, created by me, Car Johnson, for you, the good people of the world. Do you feel that the gum of life has been chewed and all that’s left is a wad stuck to the bottom of your shoe?

Well, that’s life for you. But with my course, you’ll learn to pick up that gum and continue chewing, while adding new flavor that’s way better than peppermint or cherry. The flavor of life can be anything. Why use cherry when you can use oyster?

That’s the goal of Carlightenment – to bring out the oyster in all of you. To not only dance to the beat of your own drummer, but your own one man band! How many of you have laughed in the face of death, while offering him a coupon for your scythe sharpening service? I have, even though it was a costume party and Death was really my mother. The point still stands. Laugh at death, giggle at expectations, lightly chuckle at the status quo!
How would you like more spontaneity in your life? Do you wish you could free your creative soul? How about just a bit more panda?

With my course, Carlightenment – Three Steps to a Better You Through Me, you’ll free yourself to the life you’ve always dreamed of. And I don’t mean the life you day dream about. I’m talking about real dreams, the kind you have after eating too many fried jalapenos.

You’ll learn how to leave your safe world behind and take risks, like wearing a shag carpet shirt when everyone else is strangled by cotton blends. Remember that fear that stopped you from insulting an angry bull, or starting a business for cat toupees? My course will let the part of your brain that yells “Go for it!” smother the part that yells “Stop!” in its sleep.

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Help! I’ve turned into Justin Bieber!


Yesterday, I was out searching the sidewalks for candy wrappers so I could make a new candy wrapper vest. At first it was just a normal day, but things started to get weird when I met a woman in an alley. She wore a purple tee-shirt with Justin Bieber’s face on it and was crouched on the ground like a puma about to strike.

“Can I help you?” I asked.

She just screamed “Beliebe!” and leapt at me, then started biting my neck. I pulled her off and ran out of the alley and didn’t stop running until I got back home.

I checked my neck in the bathroom mirror and found a bit of blood and teeth marks, oddly shaped like Canada. I slapped a bandage on it and went about my day, sorting and sewing my candy wrapper vest.

All throughout the day, I found myself singing pop songs and craving the screams of pre-teen girls. After several hours of this, I blacked out and woke up in my bed, as if nothing had happened. It was just another strange dream caused by too much beer and random pills I mistook for vitamins.

I headed into the bathroom and checked myself in the mirror again. The bandage was still there, but it wasn’t much of a concern. My hair had turned in the night from red to blondish brown and it stood up like some sort of fluffy porcupine. And my face had grown longer and more boyish.

There was no doubt about it: I had become Justin Bieber. My cravings grew as I stared into the mirror, the urge to sing, the urge to post selfies on Instagram, the urge to get a DUI. I’m now convinced that Justin Bieber is just a series of vampires, turned by ravenous fans mind controlled to make more Biebers when the current one wears out.

If I’m not able to return to normal, I might have to hire someone to slay me. But that’s going to be a problem. I know with regular vampires, you can use sunlight or a stake to the heart. But how you do you kill a Bieber?

Note:

This may still actually be a strange dream caused by too much beer and random pills I mistook for vitamins. I’ve blogged under the influence before.

Show your support for cow fetus collecting


I wish more people would collect cow fetuses. They’re the perfect pets, forever preserved in their little jars, always ready to listen and never ready to judge, even if they smell of formaldehyde and look like something out of a mad scientist’s lab. If you look past all that, you can see their playful nature, or at least the playful nature they would have if they weren’t stuck in a jar. It just takes a bit of imagination.

So, I’ve made a petition to spread the word about cow fetus collecting and allow people to show their support.

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/show-your-support-for-cow-fetus-collecting

So please, sign my petition and let the world know that you stand with cow fetus collecting. And if you haven’t become a collector yet, please consider it. Cow fetuses are great friends and will be preserved forever, never to grow old or run away or sneak off to join the circus.

My Confession


I have said many times that I am a fictional character in The Life and Times of Car Johnson. That was a lie. I am a real person. My author, Rebekah Webb is the fictional character. I created her to help sell my memoir, since I figured it would sell better as fiction.

But it’s not fiction. Every bit of my tale is true, even the parts that involve a flamethrower to the face and giant beehives made out of old candle wax. I really am a strange man who enjoys collecting cow fetuses, singing country music and attempting business ideas involving toy graveyards and philosophical board games with added pandas.

Miss Webb is just a construct, like those cardboard cutouts of superheroes. I found her picture in a frame I bought and I crafted her personality from various sitcoms and random letters to the editor of a local paper. Then I made her a Facebook page and Twitter account and posted on them as if she was real.

I gave her a complete life, right down to her attempts to be a horror writer. I even published work under her name, work I cobbled together with novel generation software my friend Roy invented. In fact, everything she has ever written online was actually produced with this software.

But things have gotten out of hand. I’ve been spending so much time creating a life for her, that I’ve stopped creating one for myself. So, from now on, Rebekah Webb will be a thing of the past. I will take her name off my book and erase her completely from the internet. I am sorry if you enjoyed anything she “wrote” and feel betrayed that she was just a string of computer generated characters.

Goodbye, Rebekah Webb. You were a wonderful friend, but now is the time to give up such illusions and be the cow fetus loving, cellophane short wearing man I’ve always been, with no barriers between me and the world at large.

You will never look at candy the same way again.


I’ve long harbored suspicions that candy is not as sweet and innocent as it would lead us to believe. That’s why I did some investigative journalism on the secret lives of sugary treats. At first, I couldn’t find any proof, no matter how many times I interrogated candy bars, or threatened their pinata informants at my young cousin’s birthday parties. I even camped out in the candy section of the grocery store to attempt to catch them off guard.

Just when I was about to give up, I received shocking photos from an anonymous source. These photos are proof that candy is up to no good. The photos only show marshmallow bunnies and chocolate, but I am sure that this applies to all candy. Hopefully my source will provide me with a larger variety of candy secrets in the future.

Here are the photos. Be warned, you will never look at candy the same way again.

How chocolate is really made.

Candy bunnies have the same needs as regular bunnies.

A rare shot of candy birth.

Marshmallow bunny indulging in his own chocolate waste.

They also eat their own kind!

So there you have it. Candy is not a foodstuff, but a group of sentient cannibalistic creatures that are no doubt plotting our demise. They are a sugar coated lie, one that we swallow down with a smile on our faces. Except for chocolate. Chocolate is just candy poop and poop doesn’t have a mind of its own.

There is only one thing we can do:

Eat more candy. Candy can’t plot anything if it’s dissolved with stomach acid. Their whole scheme rests on us hording them in pillowcases on Halloween or baskets on Easter. The moment you get your hands on candy, eat it! The only good candy is an eaten candy and we should not rest until all candy is devoured on sight.

It’s Read an Ebook Week! Let’s do this humor style!


It’s Read an Ebook Week, that magical week of March 2-8, where people head to the ebook orchards and pick the ripest ones they can find. Some are free, some are on sale and all are ebooks. (If they weren’t, Read an Ebook Week would be a strange title.)

Since I’m a character in a humor book, I thought I’d highlight some humor ebooks participating in Read and Ebook Week. If you want to search around yourself, here’s the full list of humor books. http://www.smashwords.com/books/category/882/newest/1

Now here’s my sort of random list of humor ebooks that are either free or on sale during Read an Ebook Week:

Invasion of the Eyeball Sucker by Linda Hull:

Epic spider battles are all the rage. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/89042

Penniless Hearts by Eve Gaal:

Hawaii, romance and drunken hula dancers. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/334598

The Life and Times of Car Johnson by R Webb: (This is the novel I live in.)

A safe alternative to an acid trip. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/79657

News Muse: Humorous Poems Inspired by Strange News by Vala Hafstad:

The title says it all. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/407612

Drunk Olympics by Justin Langer:

Someone else thinks beer and Olympics mix! http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/394587

Other People’s Sh**

Infected people turning into clowns (yes, clowns) instead of zombies. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/410199

Walt vs the Space Flunkies by Glen Solosky:

Hillbilly vs. aliens. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/385434

The Accidental Prophetess by Michelle Lam

Get kidnapped, save the world. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/397016

The Chronic Misadventures of Count Meinrard, the Deadliest Man Online by Robert Traynor:

A man who thinks he’s all that and a bag of chips, but he isn’t even a bag of chips. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/413429

The Mystery of the Missing Taxicabs by Elizabeth Bent:

Super spies and the evil plot to deprive the world of taxi service. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/394653

The Doodleburghs by Brett Hoover:

The family that creates havoc together stays together. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/414323

(Make sure you use the coupon codes listed under the buy buttons. Some will be for 100% discount and some will be for 50% or 75%. Some of the books listed are always free and so will not have coupon codes.)

I hope I’ve given enough to scratch your humor itch, to get your humor fix, to pack your humor wound. Until next time, remember:

Feed a humor, starve a cold!

 

Interview with Maggie Fiske – Wicked Women Writers series


Car here. This is the last in a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the Wicked Women Writers challenge. (http://horroraddicts.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/wicked-women-writers-challenge/) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into various assorted objects.

Hello… Today I am going to interview a very talented Ouija board named Maggie Fiske.  When she isn’t answering question about John Lennon’s favorite snack (HogLumps) or revealing that someone’s future career is going to be shoe shining (MileyCyrus), she’s busy with her involvement in the Wicked Women Writers competition.  Her entry is titled, “A Quarrel for Jimmy-Lee Killscrow”—which is a happy tale of amputation, revenge and zombies.

Maggie Fiske has been declared the winner of the Wicked Women’s Writers competition! Congrats Maggie!

What made you start writing?  As a Ouija board, did constantly writing answers to teenager’s questions factor in to your decision to write on your own?

It was either writing, or total psychic meltdown.  MUZAZX39IIPQ6.  Sorry, I tend to spell gibberish when I’m riled.  After the nine millionth time some stupid kid asks how I died it’s easy to get cranky.  Writing offers a release.  Otherwise, I’m going to jack-smack the next juvenile that wants to know the winning Powerball numbers for Wednesday’s jackpot.

How does a Ouija board write?  Do you make your glass piece move during a question and then add, “Make sure to write this down for me” at the end?  Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

I have a couple of techniques.  One involves spelling out chapters as answers.  When lil’ MaKenzie asks if she’ll marry Bubba, she gets five pages of my prose instead.  When the girls get distracted by incoming texts, I push the transcriptions in my box.  (You’re right, that does sound bad).  Another trick involves poking a gel pen through the window on my planchette.  But if you don’t have a twelve foot sheet of paper, the writing gets all cramped up and scribbley.  I once wrote a novel on a single sheet of notebook paper.  It was a damned mess.

Have you ever accidentally spelled out fart instead of heart during an answer and how does that affect your confidence as a Ouija board?

Yepper’s.  Spell-Check sucks!  When you tell someone that, “Kenny loves you with all his fart,” it just ruins your credibility.  One time I told a grandma that she would die at McDonald’s tomorrow.  Of course I meant “dine.”  It’s not my fault that the bus route to BINGO runs past the Golden Arches.  I am not financially responsible for her fatal coronary, likely triggered by the hideous Burger Clown statue that’s welded onto the bus bench.  Oops.

Tell us about your inspiration for “A Quarrel for Jimmy-Lee Killscrow.”  Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story.  That’s how I come up with interview questions.

More like staring into the moon until I nod off.  My inspiration came from the true story of Mary Vincent, who was horribly mutilated at a time when I was also hitchhiking.  Her story has haunted me for years.  You can read more about Mary at www.seattlepi.com/news/article/A-victim-a-survivor-an-artist-1106335.php

What made you turn to dark fiction?

Try spending six years stuffed in a closet with a stack of romance novels.  Something inside you just snaps.

I always figured Ouija boards would burn out from a lifetime of being used in spooky surroundings and answering questions from long dead celebrities.  If they wrote, I always figured it would be bright stories about kittens and knitting manuals.

I’ve tried to be upbeat, but the dark side always seems to intrude.  Case in point, my first novel, “Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, Little Ball of Death.”  –(Whenever Mittens gets the cat crazies, the death toll skyrockets).  Recently I got a craft piece published on how to crochet a body bag using old t-shirts.

Is it true that Ouija boards don’t have a ghost of a chance of scaring up good trance techno music?

True dat.  We’re way more into Death Metal and morbid cello solos.

Is there a special YES in your life?  Or are you currently unattached?

NO.  For a while I dated a dashing chess board, until I found out he had a checkered past.  Today I’m a free spirit.

What else have you wrote and how many questions have you answered?

My bibliography includes….   ­­­“Lay Your Hands On Me—The Nearly Non-Pornographic Guide to Talking Spirit Boards,” my memoir “Ask Me That Again and I’ll Jack-Smack You,” and “The Hunger Dames” a YA series about flesh-munching ghoul gals that compete in a futuristic Zombielympics.

My query count stands at more than two, less than a billion.

What hobbies do you have?

I collect dust.

Do you spend your time as a substitute See ‘n Say?

Thanks for the tip, Car.  I could be the next Fisher-Price Oracle in durable plastic!  I can see it now.  “The Werewolf says… Arooooooooo!”

Part-time jobs never work out for me.  Awhile back, I briefly moonlighted in a Chinese laundry.  Every time somebody ironed a shirt on me, three people died.

Do you have any advice for young Ouija boards out there who might want to try their hand at writing?

Sure.  Just write down every letter till you make a book.

                             GOOD BYE

 

Interview with Chantal Boudreau – Wicked Women Writers series


Car here. This is a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the Wicked Women Writers challenge. (http://horroraddicts.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/wicked-women-writers-challenge/) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into various assorted objects.

 

Hello, today I am going to interview a very talented fishhook, named Chantal Boudreau. When she isn’t being used as a slingshot, acting as tubing for equipment or cutting pieces of herself off for washers, she’s an author/illustrator and member of the Horror Writers Association. Her works include the Fervor series, Masters & Renegades series and many more. (http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4446228.Chantal_Boudreau https://www.facebook.com/pages/Chantal-Boudreau-WriterIllustrator/107318919341178.) She’s currently involved in the Wicked Women Writers competition, with her entry titled On a Wing and a Prayer, about a battle between pregnant woman and pilot for the last parachute in an EMP blast-disabled plane. I think I dreamed something like it once, but the pregnant woman was a spider, the plane was a flying shoe and the EMP blast was a burst of chocolate lightning. So, not like it at all, actually. (http://horroraddicts.wordpress.com/2013/09/07/www-contestant-4-chantal-boudreau/)

 

What made you start writing? As rubber tubing, I bet you had a lot of possible choices for your future career.

Too many…I’m multi-purpose.  But as flexible as I am, I still had to commit to something, so I went with writing (and accounting).

 

How does rubber tubing write? Do you fill one end of yourself with ink and pour onto a piece of paper? Do you tie yourself to a slingshot and fire rocks at a keyboard? Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

I dangle from the ceiling fan weighed down by heavier objects and collide with the keyboard as required.  I rub off some of the letters as a result.  “H” and “N” are completely gone, “L” and “C” are mostly missing, and “E,” ”A” and “S” are fading fast.

 

Have you ever been used for draining a wound and how does that affect your confidence as rubber tubing?

Oh goobers no – I hate blood, especially the pus-riddled kind.  No – I stick to red wine.

 

Tell us about your inspiration for On a Wing and a Prayer. Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story? That’s how I come up with interview questions.

I wanted to be involved in geology/mining since I was just sludge in a mould.  Given the location, disaster and handicap, the story just sort of gelled (like that sludge).  I try to avoid hanging out in bright sunlight.  It might melt my edges.

 

 

What made you turn to dark fiction? I always imagined rubber tubing being pretty flexible, with so many options for careers that novels would never enter their minds. If they wrote, I always figured it would be lyrics to upbeat dance tunes.

Like I said earlier…I am flexible.  Horror is only one of many genres I’ve dabbled in.  And I have written lyrics before and even sold songs.  One of the songs with my lyrics, written in French, was sold to George Hamel, a Quebecois country singer.  I don’t think it would qualify as an upbeat dance tune, though.

 

Is it true that rubber tubing has a lot of pull and can stretch out ideas in a way that blow people’s minds?

It is true, and I’m not stringing you along.

 

Is there a special tube in your life? Or are you currently unattached?

A tube and a couple of extensions.  We have a real connection.

 

What else have your wrote and how many products have been made by cutting off pieces of you?

It’s pretty extensive at this point.  You can find the list here: http://chantellyb.wordpress.com/about-me/ .   And isn’t writing all about cutting off pieces of yourself?

 

What hobbies do you have? Do you double as a slingshot or a fish a polespear?

I like to garden, I’m great at irrigation, and swimming, although really it’s all about floating.  I double as a slingshot if someone really pisses me off.

 

Do you have any advice for young rubber tubing out there who might want to try their hand at writing?

Read everything you can get your hands on, and practice whenever you can. Remember, it’s all about honing your craft.

Interview with Julianne Snow – Wicked Women Writers Challenge series


Car here. This is a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the Wicked Women Writers challenge. (http://horroraddicts.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/wicked-women-writers-challenge/) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into various assorted objects.

Today, today I am going to interview a very talented gravy boat named Julianne Snow. She is the author of the Days with the Undead series. She writes within the realms of speculative fiction and has roots that go deep into horror. Julianne has pieces of short fiction in publications from Sirens Call Publications, Open Casket Press, James Ward Kirk Publishing and Hazardous Press as well as the forthcoming shorts in anthologies from 7DS Books, Phrenic Press, and the Coffin Hop charity anthology Death by Drive-In. Look for parts in a number of collaborative projects to be announced shortly.

Her entry into the Wicked Women Writers challenge is Not All Jacks Are Created Equal. (http://horroraddicts.wordpress.com/2013/09/07/www-contestant-9-julianne-snow/) It’s about one night stands, finding oneself naked on a train and drinking troubles away with a bottle of whiskey while a volcano sends molten death. It sounds like a typical Saturday for me, except for the volcano part.

 

You can stalk her at these handy locations:

Twitter: @CdnZmbiRytr

Facebook: Julianne Snow

FB Fan Page: Julianne Snow, Author

Amazon Author Page: Julianne Snow

Blogs: Days with the Undead & The FlipSide of Julianne

 

As a gravy boat, you probably had dreams of someday becoming a real boat. What made you start writing instead?

I’ve never secreted any lofty dreams of becoming a real boat – it’s just not in my nature. But I knew from the moment I was just a small lump of clay that I had the writing big within me. I had dreams that I might have been a mug or a teapot; something that writers need. But in the end, I was formed into a humble gravy boat. And I’ve never looked back. As for what made me start writing, it was to fulfill the empty whole in my being, the one occasionally filled with gravy.

 

How does a gravy boat write? Do you pour gravy onto a table cloth, turning the swirls into words? Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

I have tried to pour the words out myself, but I have horrible penmanship. I spend much of my time in the china hutch in the dining room and I’m lucky enough to share it with an antique typewriter who loves to cuddle with some sweet white porcelain once in a while. In exchange for a few cuddles, he’s agreed to transcribe my stories for me.

 

I know this may be a sensitive subject, but I heard that you have a crack. Does this affect your confidence as a gravy boat?

Who told you?? Why I cannot believe you would think it was appropriate to ask me such a question! I am a lady after all! *harrumph*

Tell us about your inspiration for Not All Jacks Are Created Equal. Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story? That’s how I come up with interview questions.

My inspiration was born when I needed to find a way to weave a super volcano, a bottle of jack Daniels, a commuter train and being naked together. It took me a few weeks to come up with a plausible storyline, but once the idea came to me, I scraped what I had already written, snuggled up to Remington and let my imagination weave it’s magic.

What made you turn to dark fiction? I always imagined gravy boards being more adventurous yet classy, dreaming about being magical pirate ships stealing the world’s supply of magical brown elixir. If they wrote, I always figured it would be epic historical fantasies.

The life of a gravy boat is dark to begin with. We’re the vessel of oily, but delicious, sludge – that can’t truly be good for anyone. And to be honest, we’re only ever taken out of ‘hiding’ during special occasions. Would you blame us for being a little harder than most of the other utensils?

 

Is it true that gravy boats are easily bowled over and can’t quite get a handle on the meat of a situation?

Who have you been talking to? Someone might need to take an unfortunate fall the next time we’re all on the dish rack…

 

Is there a special ladle in your life? Or are you currently unattached?

I wouldn’t call myself attached and I would never date a ladle if they were the last utensil in the drawer. Remington satisfies most of my desires at the moment so I’m fairly happy with my life. I do wish however that I could just once have a turn in the dishwasher. But I’m just not dishwasher-safe. I swear though, I can be trusted not to break if you just gave me the chance…

 

What else have you written and how many pieces of meatloaf have you aided in flavor?

Oh josh, I’ve written tons of stories! You can find my bibliography at http://theflipsideofjulianne.wordpress.com/bibliography though I do write under a pseudonym. As for meatloaf, I try not to associate with the seedier side of the meat world. I prefer to socialize with turkey, roast beef and lamb. Sometimes I’ll hang out with a flavourful pork roast but that’s not all that often.

 

What hobbies do you have? Do double as a dribble glass or a set piece in still lives?

I’ve tried to master other hobbies like soccer, cross-stitching and taxidermy, but nothing gives me the same joy as writing. I’m happy with my simple life.

 

Do you have any advice for young gravy boats out there who might want to try their hand at writing?

Find yourself a typewriter and get acquainted with it. It’s the only way to learn.

Interview with Killion Slade – Wicked Women Writers Challenge series


Car here. This is a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the Wicked Women Writers challenge. (http://horroraddicts.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/wicked-women-writers-challenge/) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into various assorted objects.

Hello, today I am going to interview a self-aware avatar from the online world Second Life, named Killion Slade. For most avatars, they stop living once the control is gone, like puppets. Killion comes alive whenever her user logs out, like a sci-fi version of Toy Story. She’s managed to win last Year’s Wicked Women Writers challenge (http://horroraddicts.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/wicked-women-writers-challenge/) and co-write and publish several short stories with her husband avatar. (http://www.killionslade.com/about-author-killion-slade/)

What made you start writing? As an avatar, I bet it’s taboo in your culture to take any sort of initiative.

Actually you’d be surprised.  Most of us carry on with our lives and have even more fun after our users log off.  They log off and we start the party!  Often times when they log on – it completely interrupts our life and we have to go play with others we might not necessarily like 😛

How does an avatar write? Do you try and possess your user and get them to write for you? Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

I’ve tried to possess my user a few times – not pretty.  She has learned to log in and find little tid bit of goodies I leave behind for her.  We have this elves in the workshop thang going on 😉

Have you ever accidentally experienced a lagged based wardrobe malfunction and how does that affect your confidence as an avatar?

Oh heavens yes!  I’ll forget this one time, I was dancing at Frank’s place to some Rat Pack and my hair suddenly disappeared!  I was so incredibly embarrassed.  My dancing partner seemed a bit taken aback, so I blamed it on the lag.  There’s a couple of times it has taken my clothes to rez so I’ll be standing around naked until they finally decide to follow me in world.

 

Tell us about your inspiration for the current novel you are working on. Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story? That’s how I come up with interview questions.

Well my friends, Lady Cazenove and Roxas Morgwain, are always talking about their vampire world, blood orchards, dhampir armies, and dragons.  I decided to sit down with them and write out their stories.  Since we started writing, we have cast parties here in Second Life and enjoy blocking out the scenes and dressing up for the events.  Check out these fun photos we shot during our last party!

 

What made you turn to dark fiction? I always imagined avatars being more service based, intent on following the orders of their master. If they wrote, I always figured it would be philosophical treatises on not having control of one’s life. Or maybe the opposite, a manifesto about ending user oppression.

I know some avatars feel that way – but I am very happy to have the user I do.  She’s great to me.  Puts me to bed after a long night of playing.  I have a beautiful house and boat ona sim where I can run on the beach and ski in the mountains.  I leave her notes on where I want to go, and poof! she takes me there.  I love the darker side of everything.  Light is great, but it only illuminates what is already in the dark!

 

Is it true that avatars have virtually indestructible personalities that allows the world to byte them in the behind?

It is true!  However – some users can be cruel and kill off an avatar or leave them in the virtual closet for too long.  But for the most part – we can have anything happen to us.  Blow us up with poisonous daggers of teeth, cut off our body parts – no worries – we’ll just rez back another one. 

 

Is there a special avatar in your life? Or are you currently unattached?

Absolutely!  I wouldn’t be complete without my partner Mrs. Killion Slade.  We partnered back in April of 2008 and have never looked back.

 

What else have you written and how long have you been self-aware?

I have been self aware since November 2007.  It wasn’t until Cheyenne came around three years ago that I began to seriously write the story.  Now we are four books in and looking to publish this December to debut series.

 

What hobbies do you have? Have you become a HAL 9000/SkyNet cross that will take over the world when we aren’t looking?

I have been learning how to program and create holographic characters to co-exist with us.  Currently PADME is my project – Personal Automated Domicile Management Executive – no home or sim should be without one.

Do you have any advice for young avatars out there who might want to try their hand at writing?

If you have a story – write it down.  Even if you don’t publish it, write the story down.  You never know how long your user will be around, so get to it.  Put butt in chair and write 🙂