Car here. This is the last in a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the Wicked Women Writers challenge. (http://horroraddicts.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/wicked-women-writers-challenge/) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into various assorted objects.
Hello… Today I am going to interview a very talented Ouija board named Maggie Fiske. When she isn’t answering question about John Lennon’s favorite snack (HogLumps) or revealing that someone’s future career is going to be shoe shining (MileyCyrus), she’s busy with her involvement in the Wicked Women Writers competition. Her entry is titled, “A Quarrel for Jimmy-Lee Killscrow”—which is a happy tale of amputation, revenge and zombies.
Maggie Fiske has been declared the winner of the Wicked Women’s Writers competition! Congrats Maggie!
What made you start writing? As a Ouija board, did constantly writing answers to teenager’s questions factor in to your decision to write on your own?
It was either writing, or total psychic meltdown. MUZAZX39IIPQ6. Sorry, I tend to spell gibberish when I’m riled. After the nine millionth time some stupid kid asks how I died it’s easy to get cranky. Writing offers a release. Otherwise, I’m going to jack-smack the next juvenile that wants to know the winning Powerball numbers for Wednesday’s jackpot.
How does a Ouija board write? Do you make your glass piece move during a question and then add, “Make sure to write this down for me” at the end? Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?
I have a couple of techniques. One involves spelling out chapters as answers. When lil’ MaKenzie asks if she’ll marry Bubba, she gets five pages of my prose instead. When the girls get distracted by incoming texts, I push the transcriptions in my box. (You’re right, that does sound bad). Another trick involves poking a gel pen through the window on my planchette. But if you don’t have a twelve foot sheet of paper, the writing gets all cramped up and scribbley. I once wrote a novel on a single sheet of notebook paper. It was a damned mess.
Have you ever accidentally spelled out fart instead of heart during an answer and how does that affect your confidence as a Ouija board?
Yepper’s. Spell-Check sucks! When you tell someone that, “Kenny loves you with all his fart,” it just ruins your credibility. One time I told a grandma that she would die at McDonald’s tomorrow. Of course I meant “dine.” It’s not my fault that the bus route to BINGO runs past the Golden Arches. I am not financially responsible for her fatal coronary, likely triggered by the hideous Burger Clown statue that’s welded onto the bus bench. Oops.
Tell us about your inspiration for “A Quarrel for Jimmy-Lee Killscrow.” Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story. That’s how I come up with interview questions.
More like staring into the moon until I nod off. My inspiration came from the true story of Mary Vincent, who was horribly mutilated at a time when I was also hitchhiking. Her story has haunted me for years. You can read more about Mary at www.seattlepi.com/news/article/A-victim-a-survivor-an-artist-1106335.php
What made you turn to dark fiction?
Try spending six years stuffed in a closet with a stack of romance novels. Something inside you just snaps.
I always figured Ouija boards would burn out from a lifetime of being used in spooky surroundings and answering questions from long dead celebrities. If they wrote, I always figured it would be bright stories about kittens and knitting manuals.
I’ve tried to be upbeat, but the dark side always seems to intrude. Case in point, my first novel, “Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, Little Ball of Death.” –(Whenever Mittens gets the cat crazies, the death toll skyrockets). Recently I got a craft piece published on how to crochet a body bag using old t-shirts.
Is it true that Ouija boards don’t have a ghost of a chance of scaring up good trance techno music?
True dat. We’re way more into Death Metal and morbid cello solos.
Is there a special YES in your life? Or are you currently unattached?
NO. For a while I dated a dashing chess board, until I found out he had a checkered past. Today I’m a free spirit.
What else have you wrote and how many questions have you answered?
My bibliography includes…. “Lay Your Hands On Me—The Nearly Non-Pornographic Guide to Talking Spirit Boards,” my memoir “Ask Me That Again and I’ll Jack-Smack You,” and “The Hunger Dames” a YA series about flesh-munching ghoul gals that compete in a futuristic Zombielympics.
My query count stands at more than two, less than a billion.
What hobbies do you have?
I collect dust.
Do you spend your time as a substitute See ‘n Say?
Thanks for the tip, Car. I could be the next Fisher-Price Oracle in durable plastic! I can see it now. “The Werewolf says… Arooooooooo!”
Part-time jobs never work out for me. Awhile back, I briefly moonlighted in a Chinese laundry. Every time somebody ironed a shirt on me, three people died.
Do you have any advice for young Ouija boards out there who might want to try their hand at writing?
Sure. Just write down every letter till you make a book.