Ever wished you could wear a cow fetus shirt? You’re in luck!

It’s now possible to show your love of the next collecting craze that should hit the world, if the world ever wises up and realizes that cow fetuses are the hippest, coolest, most fashionable objects in history.

So head over and grab yourself a cow fetus shirt. They come in two versions:

Black and white

 

 Realistic cow fetus colors

So  head over to http://www.zazzle.com/carjohnsonstuff and show the world that cow fetus collecting is hip and rad and whatever slang is relevant to today’s youth!*

 

*Note from Car’s handler:

These products will not actually show anyone that cow fetus collecting is cool. They were created for humor purposes as props for Car’s blog post and should only be worn by people who want to start awkward conversations with family and friends.

 

Show your support for cow fetus collecting

I wish more people would collect cow fetuses. They’re the perfect pets, forever preserved in their little jars, always ready to listen and never ready to judge, even if they smell of formaldehyde and look like something out of a mad scientist’s lab. If you look past all that, you can see their playful nature, or at least the playful nature they would have if they weren’t stuck in a jar. It just takes a bit of imagination.

So, I’ve made a petition to spread the word about cow fetus collecting and allow people to show their support.

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/show-your-support-for-cow-fetus-collecting

So please, sign my petition and let the world know that you stand with cow fetus collecting. And if you haven’t become a collector yet, please consider it. Cow fetuses are great friends and will be preserved forever, never to grow old or run away or sneak off to join the circus.

Recipe: Lemonade Beanmallow Casserole

Here’s a recipe that my mother invented after wanting to combine dinner with dessert and a drink. The only way I can describe this wonderful masterpiece is that it’s like a bean burrito, a marshmallow pie and a glass of lemonade broke into your mouth and trashed the place like drunken hockey players.

Most people seem to think my mother’s cooking is a little “odd,” but that’s just because they’re still stuck in culinary shackles that puts flavors and ingredients into neat little boxes. Be brave and allow yourself to experience the joy of Lemonade Beanmallow Casserole.

Lemonade Beanmallow Casserole

1 can of re-fried beans

1 can of salsa

2 cups of marshmallow fluff

1 package of lemonade powder

1 cup water

 

Directions:

Mix beans, salsa and marshmallow fluff in a microwave safe bowl. Microwave covered for five minutes. Add lemonade powder and water, then stir briskly for one minute. Serve in a bowl.

This hearty meal will be the highlight of any dinner, at least it is whenever Mother serves it during family get-togethers. Try it out and I’m sure you won’t be disappointed!

The Most Romantic Poem of All Time – With fleas, pee and rabid dogs

This is my attempt at the most romantic poem of all time:

My love itches like a flea

It fills me like beer tinged pee

That I’m in love is not news

It leaks from my feet to squelch in my shoes

—————————————–

My love is like a rabid dog

It pours from my mouth like slobbery fog

My mind is crazed with love tonight

I’ll find random people and bite bite bite

—————————————–

My love is like upturned trash

It came into my life with a mighty crash

There’s dripping bits of love debris

I grab it all for me me me

—————————————–

My love is like a plate of peas

It curdles in my heart and turns to cheese

With every taste of my love cheddar

It just gets better and better

Pickup Lines That Don’t Work For Some Reason

I’ve used a lot of pickup lines in my day. Here are some that didn’t quite work for some reason. I don’t know why, but I feel I have a duty to alert the public to these potential duds.

• Let me be the sperm to your whale
• Hey baby, I think I dropped my contact down your dress. Mind if I search for it?
• Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like me?
• How much for one night?
• Are those two tumors on your chest or do you just have a really nice rack?
• I seem to be stuck on this table. Could you please come get me off?
• It’s like you smeared the blood of angels in your hair.
• I’m dying of Notgetlaidistus and you’re the only one who can cure me.
• You remind me of my mother.
• Excuse me, but I’m starting a game of nude tango and need another player.
• If you were a beer, I’d drain you dry.
• If you were a sandwich, I’d split you open and pick out all your cheese.
• I’m your ice cream, baby. Take me in your hands and let me melt.
• I don’t usually date old chicks, but I’m willing to make an exception.
• Would you be willing to lower your standards for just one night?
• Let’s cut to the chase and do it.

I went as myself on Halloween – Everyone thought I was wearing a costume

I decided to go as myself on Halloween. Here is a photo of me heading off to a Halloween party as myself:

It was a little chilly, so I wore my shag carpet shirt and bunny slippers. I took my favorite cow fetus Bessie along with her new purple dyed hair. It was a fun Halloween and the party lasted for hours, even though we mostly sat around the front yard and tossed bread crumbs to people dressed as birds.

Everyone kept mistaking my normal attire for some sort of strange clown costume. If I wanted to come as a clown, I would have. I still have my old clown suit that I wore when I tried to make money at children’s parties. I guess that’s what I get for going to a Halloween party where I didn’t know anyone. It takes a while to get used to my unique fashion sense.

Interactive Adventure Through My Life

Do you like those old pick your path adventures you used to read as a child? Well, I created one for everyone to enjoy. There’s no princesses, aliens, or ghosts, but there are cow fetus tea parties and naked fountain bathing.

Interactive Carventure – Where Crazy Hits the Fan

It’s fun, it’s free and it has pictures. What more could you want? Well, you could want the secret to life, but all I have is the secret to Life Cereal and I’m not sharing.

Car’s Ramblings

Here’s a video of an audio excerpt of my comedy e-book, The Life and Times of Car Johnson. People say it’s hilarious and that I’m a lovable loser, but I think that I’m actually pretty profound.*

 

 

 

 

 

*He’s not.

-Rebekah, the creator of Car Johnson.

Reverse Skydiving

My brother’s a bit of a recluse, so I haven’t really spoken about him much. He was adopted, so he has no twin like the rest of the Johnson clan. And he wishes to remain anonymous in every way, so I will not reveal his name, either here or in my book about the travails of my life.

But I will tell you about his failed attempt at making a reverse skydiving company. His idea was to create a device that could shoot one up in the air and into a waiting airplane. Since normal airplanes don’t hover in the air, my brother tried to get possession of a V-22 Osprey. He called a military surplus store, but they told him that multi-million dollar jets aren’t something they ever have in stock.

So, he borrowed a AgustaWestland AW139 helicopter from my helicopter hoarding cousin Mike. Well, actually he just sort of took it, since Mike had so many of them, he was sure he’d never notice. The plan was to hover the helicopter in the air and launch a person from a cannon, with careful calculations that would send the reverse skydiver safely into the open door of the chopper.

His girlfriend worked at a circus and was able to get him one of those cannons daredevils used and he made a dummy out of old clothing and frozen hams to fine tune the cannon until he hit the sweet spot of cannon to helicopter accuracy. Unfortunately, the very first time he shot Mr. Hamson into the air, he slammed into the helicopter’s blades and sent it spiraling downwards in a fiery ball of steel and cooked pork bits.

Luckily, the helicopter pilot (his girlfriend) managed to bail out and land nearby. The helicopter crashed into an unfinished set for the town’s annual Founder’s Day play, causing tens of dollars worth of damage. (Our town’s really cheap.) My brother paid the town 50 dollars, but he had to pay Mike 20 million for the helicopter, plus 50,000 dollars for the cleanup and removal of metal fragments and ham.

The whole thing wiped out his life savings and had him paying off Mike for years to come. This caused my brother to have a mental breakdown. He now lives in a self made cult, where he’s the only member, giving himself orders all day as he plans for the coming Carpocalypse. (He’s convinced himself I’m the Antichrist and destined to destroy the world.)

Poem for My Mother

I wrote a poem for my mother today. It’s heartfelt and I hope she likes it.

My mother

Mother

You’re like no other.

If you were a man, I’d want you for a brother.

If you were a beer, I’d want another.

If you were a wind, you’d be a souther.

If you were a pillow, you would smother.

If you were a choice, I’d say “I’d druther.”