I’ve long harbored suspicions that candy is not as sweet and innocent as it would lead us to believe. That’s why I did some investigative journalism on the secret lives of sugary treats. At first, I couldn’t find any proof, no matter how many times I interrogated candy bars, or threatened their pinata informants at my young cousin’s birthday parties. I even camped out in the candy section of the grocery store to attempt to catch them off guard.
Just when I was about to give up, I received shocking photos from an anonymous source. These photos are proof that candy is up to no good. The photos only show marshmallow bunnies and chocolate, but I am sure that this applies to all candy. Hopefully my source will provide me with a larger variety of candy secrets in the future.
Here are the photos. Be warned, you will never look at candy the same way again.
How chocolate is really made.
Candy bunnies have the same needs as regular bunnies.
A rare shot of candy birth.
Marshmallow bunny indulging in his own chocolate waste.
They also eat their own kind!
So there you have it. Candy is not a foodstuff, but a group of sentient cannibalistic creatures that are no doubt plotting our demise. They are a sugar coated lie, one that we swallow down with a smile on our faces. Except for chocolate. Chocolate is just candy poop and poop doesn’t have a mind of its own.
There is only one thing we can do:
Eat more candy. Candy can’t plot anything if it’s dissolved with stomach acid. Their whole scheme rests on us hording them in pillowcases on Halloween or baskets on Easter. The moment you get your hands on candy, eat it! The only good candy is an eaten candy and we should not rest until all candy is devoured on sight.