Blott-Os – The new beer flavored cereal


Remember back when you were a child and you poured sugary cereal into a bowl, as your cavity filled mouth watered in anticipation while your sister tried to murder you with a plastic spork? Well, not the plastic spork thing. That’s a special moment between my sister and myself.

Sugary cereal is a wonderful childhood memory, from carefully picking out the marshmallows from the boring cereal bits, to watching your milk turn brown. And who can forget the prize inside? A plastic toy that was always at the bottom, tempting you to dig your fingers down into the box to try and pry it free. (Strange that I never thought to simply open the box at the opposite end and cut the plastic bag protecting the cereal with scissors. Then again, where would the fun be in that?)

Now, as an adult, I ask you this:

Why should kids have all the fun? Adults need a little bit of breakfast related excitement. And I’m not talking about a quickie on the kitchen counter, though that is pretty entertaining. I’m talking about a breakfast cereal for the young at heart, but made with adults in mind.

So, I’ve come up with a cereal that harkens back to those halcyon days of youth, but with an adult kick. And what do adults turn to when they want to feel that warm glow they used to get from their parents hugs, or the excitement that that once came from cartoons and plastic dinosaurs?

Why alcohol, of course. The only thing that can warm you up and liven your day, plus make peeing in random places around town both a necessity and a challenge. So, with that in mind, I have created a new cereal.

I call them Blott-Os.

Blott-Os

They’re little keg shaped crisps with a beer flavored alcohol saturated syrup in the center. I know, calling them Os is not exactly accurate, but I think that fully encapsulates the essence of alcohol. Booze is so cool, it doesn’t have to make sense.

Each box of Blott-Os will come with a prize inside. For the first prize, I’ve decided on a little rubber man who urinates when you submerge him in water and then squeeze, like a rubber ducky, but less suitable for children.

Imagine, eagerly pouring cereal into your bowl and chowing down, while your milks turns yellow. Then drinking from the bowl as you let the alcohol bring a glow to your day, whether you’re heading off to work or sprawling in front of the TV in your pajamas like you did as a child. Though, try not to wear your pajamas to work, especially if you sleep in the nude. Your boss won’t be pleased.

Now, I just have to find a way to start production of Blott-Os. So far, the only plan I have is a pile of hastily scrawled notes on random napkins from a late night drinking binge. But I’m not worried. That’s how all my ideas take shape.

I have a six pack of beer, an internet recipe for cereal and a squeeze bottle of maple syrup. As soon as I figure a way how to turn those things into tiny kegs, Blott-Os will be good to go. Wish me luck!

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Review of a Movie That Doesn’t Exist – 50 Shades of Avengers


Okay, it’s that time again, when I review a movie that only exists in my mind.

50 Shades of Avengers

Characters

Anatasia – Lily Tomlin

Bruce Banner – Michael Caine

The movie follows a woman named Anastasia who enters into a steamy relationship of bondage with the Bruce Banner, aka The Incredible Hulk, who runs a successful company called Giant Green Guy Enterprises.

Whenever Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into a huge green colored BDSM enthusiast. This causes him to be kicked out of the Avengers Initiative for his repeated attempts to handcuff Tony Stark and Natasha Romanoff together.

He then starts his own business using his scientific knowledge to invent a genetically modified carrot that tastes like a chocolate milkshake. It’s a success and he uses this money to buy dozens of helicopters he can smash together.

One day, a woman named Anastasia decides to interview him, not for any sort of paper, but because she’s kind of odd and enjoys asking famous people random questions. She shows up at his office and starts asking questions like, “If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?” and “What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

Bruce gets angry and becomes the Hulk, then proceeds to chase her around town, throwing cars at her back before he handcuffs her to the top of a skyscraper. Surprisingly, she finds this romantic and gives him her number. I won’t spoil the ending for you, but it involves two tanks, fifteen yards of steel cable and a deflated bouncy castle.

All in all, I think 50 Shades of Avengers was a heartwarming tale of badly researched BDSM and humongous angry green guys. Unfortunately, you will not be able to watch it, as it doesn’t exist. But you can get drunk and binge watch Avengers movies while reading 50 Shades of Grey.

What Do Beer, Stalkers and Diamonds Have in Common? The Best Greeting Cards in the World!


I’ve decided to go into the greeting card business. So many people buy greeting cards, so this should be like grabbing handfuls of cash out of people’s hands, without the hassle of being chased down by police.

And my cards are not going to be that cheesy Hallmark crap. They’re going to be honest and so filled with emotion that they’ll drip emotion from their very ink. Not literally of course. Soggy cards aren’t much fun.

First up is a birthday card for those moments in your life when you had a tad too much to drink and may have ruined your friend or loved one’s celebration.

Front

I'm sorry I got drunk

Inside

And peed on your birthday cake.

The next one is a romantic card that shows how the illness of love is a good kind of sick.

Font

Your love infected me like anthrax

Inside

But without the fever and bloody diahrrea

The next card is for when your relationship isn’t going the way you had hoped.

Front

I could say how much I love you...

Inside

But that would be a lie. Welcome to Splitsville, population you.

The next card is written for all those stalkers out there. I figure they’re a large untapped market.

Front

Thinking of you

Inside

While I carefully rub your photo between my fingers.

This next card was written with my mother in mind. It’s one of her favorite sayings when she learns someone is expecting.

Front

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Inside

Whew. I just thought you were getting fat.

I wrote this last card while drunker than normal, but I still think it turned out okay.

Friends are like diamonds.

Inside

They're bits of compressed carbon. Wait, that's not quite right. Well, friends are like someting.

So, there you have it. Six of the most special, most emotional, most extraordinary cards that have ever been dreamed up after three bottles of beer and a Jello shot of vodka. I’m going to start selling them door to door, though not in my own neighborhood.

People got a little wary of me knocking on their door after my attempt to sell nature scented air freshener. People are more interested in the plant scents of nature and not the animals themselves. No amount of spraying in their face could convince them otherwise.

Carlightenment – Spontaneity, Innovation and Panda


This post is dedicated to my self-help course, Carlightenment. I have also created a website for the course, called Carlightenment. (I could have called it something cool like Peanut Butter or Monkey Sweat, but I didn’t want to confuse people.)

Spontaneity, Innovation and Panda
*Why Panda? Because they’re cool. it also works as a metaphor for eating your way through the bamboo of life.

Dudes and girl dudes, young and not as young, you’re about to hear something that will change your life! I’m not talking about a magical genie like the one my cousin Joe claimed to find. I’m talking about Carlightenment, the self-help course, created by me, Car Johnson, for you, the good people of the world. Do you feel that the gum of life has been chewed and all that’s left is a wad stuck to the bottom of your shoe?

Well, that’s life for you. But with my course, you’ll learn to pick up that gum and continue chewing, while adding new flavor that’s way better than peppermint or cherry. The flavor of life can be anything. Why use cherry when you can use oyster?

That’s the goal of Carlightenment – to bring out the oyster in all of you. To not only dance to the beat of your own drummer, but your own one man band! How many of you have laughed in the face of death, while offering him a coupon for your scythe sharpening service? I have, even though it was a costume party and Death was really my mother. The point still stands. Laugh at death, giggle at expectations, lightly chuckle at the status quo!
How would you like more spontaneity in your life? Do you wish you could free your creative soul? How about just a bit more panda?

With my course, Carlightenment – Three Steps to a Better You Through Me, you’ll free yourself to the life you’ve always dreamed of. And I don’t mean the life you day dream about. I’m talking about real dreams, the kind you have after eating too many fried jalapenos.

You’ll learn how to leave your safe world behind and take risks, like wearing a shag carpet shirt when everyone else is strangled by cotton blends. Remember that fear that stopped you from insulting an angry bull, or starting a business for cat toupees? My course will let the part of your brain that yells “Go for it!” smother the part that yells “Stop!” in its sleep.

How to win people over in five easy steps


Every wonder how to win people over and get them to do what you want, whether it’s a business proposal, an opinion, or gathering friends to hang out and get smashed? Well, I’ve compiled this handy list, so you too can be influential and get what you want!

  1. Be insistent, by which I mean whine. Constantly go up to people and say things like “Come on man,” and “Pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeee?” It’ll wear them down after a while and they’ll be willing to do anything to get you off their back.
  2. Lie. Sometimes your position isn’t quite as solid as you’d like it to be or your get rich quick scheme is a little riskier than you’d like others to know. The only way to get around this hurdle is to make things up. If someone asks you if your idea to invent heated underwear has any risks, don’t tell them about the catastrophic chemical burns. Say, “No, there’s nothing wrong and it’s ready to go.”
  3. Claim other people already agree with you. This takes finesse, since you have to make it sound convincing without actually mentioning anyone by name. Use terms like “an expert” or “a really cool dude” or “my second cousin twice removed’s best friend.” The last one works especially well for convincing people of rumors and urban legends. Whatever you do, don’t mention anyone they can check up on, unless you are confident that you can pull that person over to your side before others try to contact them.
  4. Look convincing. Style has a lot to do with people taking you seriously. You need to make them feel that you’re on their side. The style you choose depends on the person you’re trying to convince. For a business man, try a suit and leather briefcase. For a young college kid, try jeans and a tee-shirt from a local bar. For a group of birthday clowns, try a puffy yellow suit with green pompom buttons and a wig of rainbow hair.
  5. If all else fails, bribe. Money talks and most people will do what you want if you pay them enough. There is a ratio between the amount you need to pony up and how resistant the person is to your suggestion, so make sure you have enough to pay. You can pay someone ten bucks to hang out with you for an hour, but you will have to pay much more if you want them to strip naked, smear themselves in Day Glo orange paint and bread pudding, and stand on a street corner, reciting limericks. (I don’t know why you’d want someone to do something like that, but I’m not one to judge.)

So, there’s my handy list of five steps to winning people over and getting what you want. If they don’t work out for you, just keep trying. These are foolproof, guaranteed!*

*Guarantee void on planet Earth.

 

 

Children’s Books of the Damned


I decided to try to write some children’s books, but it didn’t turn out so well. Someone actually called them “Children’s books of the damned.” I don’t know why, though. They’re perfectly reasonable stories. Here’s a few of them for you to decide.

 

This first one was my try at an epic fantasy war story for the under one crowd. I wanted to inspire youngsters to know that just because they couldn’t walk yet, didn’t mean they couldn’t be a part of protecting their home from invading orks. Even children can be heroes.

 

This one was my attempt to talk to kids about death. I think it turned out quite well, actually.

 

Superman capes really do make you fly. I saw it in a comic once. They’ve never worked for me, but that’s probably because I haven’t tried hard enough.

 

This is a fun story about a cat who travels to magical worlds after a fun ride in the dryer. Kids love dryers and they love cats, so I put the two together.

 

This a cautionary tale to make sure kids don’t overuse the toilet and strain themselves. I guarantee that you’ll only have to read them Toothy once and they’ll never make unnecessary trips to the bathroom again.

 

Kids will learn to cook with Stabby’s playful antics. They may even decide to cook on their own and give you a break!

 

This one is a little different from the others. It’s a story my mother used to tell me. I’ve faithfully reproduced her words so other children can enjoy her sweet tale.

 

So, what do you think? Are these really “books of the damned” or do I have something here?

 

 

Public Service Announcement – Don’t Bother Squirrels


Here’s a recent PSA from Prevent Squirrel Attacks United, a new group I created just to make this PSA.

Squirrels may seem harmless and good natured, but they harbor a mean streak and will fight back when annoyed enough. While it may be fun to poke a squirrel or take away its nuts and chant, “I have your nuts, nya nya nya,” it only leads to heartache in the end. After many trips to the ER, I have decided that squirrels demand respect and if we are unable to give it to them, either though constant teasing or drugging them and dressing them up in embarrassing outfits, they will use whatever force necessary to teach us to be more civil.

This squirrel is not pleased.
Photo by Ashley Archades http://aem-creations.deviantart.com/art/Evil-Sguirrel-113473284

Idiot’s Manifesto


My mother’s favorite line was “they can suck on that.” She’d it say after doing whatever the hell she wanted. I try to live up to her example. People always say things like, “You can’t say that, Car” and, “You shouldn’t eat that, Car”, or, “That isn’t edible, Car.” I just give them the finger and continue to do what I was doing. (Unless it’s something that’ll get me arrested. “Disturbing the peace.” What kind of law is that?)

And you know what? People respect me for having my own mind. My friends are always following me around with cameras. There are a bunch of YouTube videos of me floating around the net. The fact that they’re all titled “idiot does x” really doesn’t mean anything. I could never gain respect by normal means. It’s not like I could become rocket scientist or a famous tennis player. Being an idiot is my shtick. Everyone has a special talent and mine is doing things other people find insane.

There’s an art to being my type of idiot. It isn’t just running around wearing a cape and pretending to be Superman. It takes a bit of genius to race through the city in nothing but a pair of cellophane shorts, while pretending to be the invisible man.

And it’s not like I’m stupid. There’s a difference between being stupid and being an idiot. A stupid person walks by a tree and just sees a tree (or maybe they think it’s some sort of funky looking telephone pole.) An idiot walks by the same tree and thinks that a couple of oversized rubber bands attached to the branches would make a great slingshot. A stupid person stares slacked jawed at a funeral procession and wonders why traffic suddenly slowed, while an idiot sees a perfect opportunity to ask the black veiled widow out on a date. (And that’s actually worked a couple of times.)

If I was stupid, I’d be dead by now. You need at least half a brain to make it through the things I have. I’ve been burned, beaten, cursed, cooked, clobbered, stabbed, steamed and otherwise maimed. Of course, most of my survival and success has been through blind luck, but not all of it. I even went to college. It was a massage academy and I just did it to be able to rub the butts of pretty girls, but that doesn’t change the fact that I went. Of course, I was kicked out for attempting to create my own escort service, but I got good grades until then!

And it’s not like I don’t read. Mud Wrestling Weekly has very interesting articles. And I have a whole collection of books and none of them have pictures. Reading is a great way to pass the time if you’ve accidentally blown out your fuse box trying to see just how electric an electric eel really is, or if an angry ex has sent you to the hospital and the television in your room only plays one cable access station.

And I’ve read all the classics. Well, I’ve watched the movies and borrowed my university attending cousin’s CliffsNotes, but it’s practically the same thing. That makes me even smarter, since I don’t waste my time reading long piles of wordy crap that are only famous because they’re old, and I still get the basic info so I can chat with all those egg heads who most likely didn‘t read the books, either.

Did I mention I won an award in high school? It was for the best and most creative use of a contraption built for one of those egg drops. I modified a cannon and shot an ostrich egg (don’t ask me how I got it) over the heads of the student body and faculty. Actually, that just got me suspended for three weeks. My mother created the award to make me feel better. I did end up a legend in my school because of it, though. It made up for the fact that most of my peers called me “that ugly kid who always tries to sell us homemade soap after gym class.” (This was before my plastic surgery. Back then, the only girl I ever slept with was the creepy chick who collected the toenails of her crushes and wore them around her neck as some sort of talisman.)

So, I may not be the next Einstein, or even the next CEO of CBS, but I’m not the next Gomer Pyle, either. I am an idiot and proud of it. Idiots of the world, unite! Wear your shirts made of shag carpet and your bottle cap jockstraps. Laugh in the face of danger, even if that danger is an oncoming train. And above all, no matter what anyone says, don’t try to wire up your own homemade microwave. Trust me, I know.

-This is an excerpt from my life story, The Life and Times of Car Johnson. Yes, even fictional characters can have life stories.

Directional Rights – Moving Forward


“There comes a time in every man’s life when he has to stand up for what’s right.”

I’ve heard that so often, but it seems a little sad. We stand up for what’s right, but not what’s left or what’s backwards, or what’s upside down. Why should one direction be put above all others? If behind ended up being bullied by front and center, I bet it would want us to stand up for it. And what happens if right’s the one doing the bullying? Should it get a free pass to torment inside for being a hermit?

I say we stand up for whatever direction needs our protection, no matter if it’s forwards, backwards, side or front. We’ve spent too long only standing up for right, that I feel we’ve lost the actual meaning behind directional heroics. It isn’t about backing front or turning back around anymore. We’ve just going through the paces, circling around until we don’t know our behind from our ahead.

And we’ve put right up on a pedestal, like some sort of celebrity. Right is put in a position no other direction can ever achieve. There’s the right way to do things, might is right, giving people the right away… This list goes on and on. And it isn’t just directions that are affected by right’s magical status. Just look at poor wrong. It can’t ever catch a break, because even if it tries to break the confines of society, we tell it that “two wrongs don’t make a right,” essentially crushing its dreams and informing it we will never see it as anything even remotely compared to the mighty right.

Now’s the time to stop this right worship and give other directions the privileges and respect they deserve. So, go out there and let left, back, forward and all the others know that you love them, need them and will do whatever you can to make sure they can live their lives without fear of the directionally challenged. The change in direction starts with you.

Regurgitated Food, the New Diet Craze That’s Sweeping the Nation!


I’m a proud franchise owner of Cow Diet Inc.

Have you tried every diet out there? Has the South Beach Diet left you high and dry? Did the Atkins Diet wine you and dine you, then never call? Did the Cabbage Soup Diet beat up your best friend and steal your lover?

Well, I have the answer for you. The Cow diet is a revolutionary way to eat that not only melts the pounds away, but makes your hair silky smooth and gets rid of chronic foot odor. The Cow Diet is simple:  Eat all you want, but only after it has been digested and regurgitated by a trained Cow Diet Regurgitation Specialist.

How the Cow Diet works:

The nutrients in un-digested food is contained within a wall of dense cellular fiber. When a person eats un-digested food, their bodies have to work overtime to break it down into the proper nutrients. This causes the body to require more energy to complete this task and that, in turn, causes more hunger signals to be sent to the brain. You end up eating more just to digest the food that is already in your system.

With pre-digested food, the cellular wall locking away the nutrients is destroyed, allowing your digestive tract to absorb the nutrients straight, with minimal expenditure of energy. You will no longer have to eat as much to get the proper amounts of nutrients, plus you’ll find that you don’t have to spend as much time chewing and wasting precious minutes of your day spearing solid food with a fork.

Preparing pre-digested food is a highly specialized task that takes years of training and physical conditioning to form the food into proper pre-digestion that hits the right balance of digestion and nutrient content. You will need to get your food from a licensed Regurgitation Specialist to make sure you get the full benefit of the Cow Diet.

Take the next step in your health journey! Start the Cow Diet today!