My Confession

I have said many times that I am a fictional character in The Life and Times of Car Johnson. That was a lie. I am a real person. My author, Rebekah Webb is the fictional character. I created her to help sell my memoir, since I figured it would sell better as fiction.

But it’s not fiction. Every bit of my tale is true, even the parts that involve a flamethrower to the face and giant beehives made out of old candle wax. I really am a strange man who enjoys collecting cow fetuses, singing country music and attempting business ideas involving toy graveyards and philosophical board games with added pandas.

Miss Webb is just a construct, like those cardboard cutouts of superheroes. I found her picture in a frame I bought and I crafted her personality from various sitcoms and random letters to the editor of a local paper. Then I made her a Facebook page and Twitter account and posted on them as if she was real.

I gave her a complete life, right down to her attempts to be a horror writer. I even published work under her name, work I cobbled together with novel generation software my friend Roy invented. In fact, everything she has ever written online was actually produced with this software.

But things have gotten out of hand. I’ve been spending so much time creating a life for her, that I’ve stopped creating one for myself. So, from now on, Rebekah Webb will be a thing of the past. I will take her name off my book and erase her completely from the internet. I am sorry if you enjoyed anything she “wrote” and feel betrayed that she was just a string of computer generated characters.

Goodbye, Rebekah Webb. You were a wonderful friend, but now is the time to give up such illusions and be the cow fetus loving, cellophane short wearing man I’ve always been, with no barriers between me and the world at large.