A Tale of Two Toys – an epic adventure of love and plastic

I’ve decided to post a photo tale I’ve been working on for a while. I got the idea after an earthquake knocked down a box of my old toys. It also knocked a bowling ball on my head, which caused the sight of my toys to mix with my slight concussion into an idea.

This is the result of that initial idea and two month of planning. It’s a story about two action figures who fall in love and face the dangers of the wild world of plastic. I call it:

A Tale of Two Toys – an epic adventure of love and plastic

This day is perfect! Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Obi-Wan and Zartan loved each other as much as molded pieces of plastic could, which was surprisingly quite a bit.

Check out my plastic abs!

They loved each other even though Zartan had sleeves but no shirt…

Eat hand hole, sucka!

And Obi-Wan had a hole where his light saber should be.

If only my arms could bend. I’d do a million pushups and be able to pick my own nose.

But they had each other. They’d spend hours just sitting together, with Zartan putting his arm around Obi-Wan’s shoulder. Obi-Wan kept his arms to his sides, not because he was a rigid jerk, but because his arms didn’t have functional elbows.

Greetings fellow toys! I’m not evil, honest!

One day while they were sitting in roughly the same position and in front of the same black background they always seemed to choose to sit, they were greeted by a mutant meerkat thing. Nothing good could come of this.That creepy smile has to be hiding something sinister.

The hand hole, it does nothing!

The meerkat wasted no time in attacking Obi-Wan and Zartan. Obi-Wan tried to fight back with his hand hole, but he was quickly overpowered.

This way to certain doom! Next stop, Milwaukee!

The meerkat grabbed Obi-Wan and Zartan and dragged them off to certain doom.

I bring you sparkles and eternal damnation!

Certain doom turned out to be a giant elf/Santa/fairy thing, otherwise known as, “What the hell is that?” The meerkat was just a minion of this greater evil.

Oh, I just love tormenting the innocent.

The elf/Santa/fairy grabbed Obi-Wan in her evil claws of pink doom.

Yum yum!

The elf/santa/fairy picked up Zartan as well and prepared to devour them both. Obi-Wan and Zartan braced for their fate, but then they realized something… something that would be their salvation…

Oh poo.

They were plastic and could not be eaten, especially by a creature with a painted on mouth. The elf/Santa/fairy realized this as well and dropped them back down. She then wandered off to find some young child to traumatize.

Punchy punchy!

Now that the danger had passed, Zartan punched the meerkat in the face. He did this partly because of the previous kidnapping, but mostly because he was a bit of a jerk and liked beating people up.

You’re the action to my figure, man.

After that, Obi-Wan and Zartan went back to doing what they always did; sitting next to each other in front of a nondescript black background.

 

You will never look at candy the same way again.

I’ve long harbored suspicions that candy is not as sweet and innocent as it would lead us to believe. That’s why I did some investigative journalism on the secret lives of sugary treats. At first, I couldn’t find any proof, no matter how many times I interrogated candy bars, or threatened their pinata informants at my young cousin’s birthday parties. I even camped out in the candy section of the grocery store to attempt to catch them off guard.

Just when I was about to give up, I received shocking photos from an anonymous source. These photos are proof that candy is up to no good. The photos only show marshmallow bunnies and chocolate, but I am sure that this applies to all candy. Hopefully my source will provide me with a larger variety of candy secrets in the future.

Here are the photos. Be warned, you will never look at candy the same way again.

How chocolate is really made.

Candy bunnies have the same needs as regular bunnies.

A rare shot of candy birth.

Marshmallow bunny indulging in his own chocolate waste.

They also eat their own kind!

So there you have it. Candy is not a foodstuff, but a group of sentient cannibalistic creatures that are no doubt plotting our demise. They are a sugar coated lie, one that we swallow down with a smile on our faces. Except for chocolate. Chocolate is just candy poop and poop doesn’t have a mind of its own.

There is only one thing we can do:

Eat more candy. Candy can’t plot anything if it’s dissolved with stomach acid. Their whole scheme rests on us hording them in pillowcases on Halloween or baskets on Easter. The moment you get your hands on candy, eat it! The only good candy is an eaten candy and we should not rest until all candy is devoured on sight.