Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Star Search Wars


Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Star Search Wars

 

Cast

Ed McMahon – John Stamos

Han Solo – Justin Timberlake

Leia Organa – Miley Cyrus

Kylo Ren – Justin Bieber

Warning! A few major spoilers for the real movie below.

Everyone’s reviewing the new Star Wars movie, but no one’s reviewing the lesser known entry into the franchise (most likely because it doesn’t exist), a fun musical romp about a televised musical competition in a galaxy far, far away. It takes the characters from Star Wars and gives them to actors who are able to bring forth a side we’ve never been allowed to see of them before: that of pop-stars.

The story follows Han, Leia and their son, Ben, who travel the galaxy after the fall of the Empire as a musical group called Who Shot First? After spending some time getting trained by his uncle Luke to use the force as auto-tune, Ben decides to betray the family band and start his own solo career under the name Kylo Ren.

After that, Luke moves to a remote planet and became a crazy cat Jedi, while Kylo Ren tops the charts with his song, “Vader Swish,” a touching tribute to his grandfather and his awesome choice in capes. Leia and Han attempt to keep the original group together, but they eventually leave the music business behind and return to the dull worlds of resistance fighters and smugglers.

Several years later, Ed McMahon calls them all together as judges for the new season of the galactic broadcast of Star Search, a show where contestants sing, dance, or juggle light sabers to win a prize of 10,000 space pounds, which is actually quite a lot of money since the quantum franc collapsed.

Tensions run high when they all get together for filming the first episide and Kylo Ren challenges his parents to a sing off on live television. This results in a fierce song and dance battle, with plenty of smoke machines and pyrotechnics, as each person sings their heart out. Quite literally for Han, who has a heart attack and falls from the stage.

The movie ends with the canceling of the rest of the season of Star Search and having it replaced with a game show called ‘What’s my Wookiee Anyway?’ where contestants have to perform improv to entertain their wookiee host, or risk having their arms ripped from their sockets.

If you want to know what this movie would be like if it were real, find old clips online of Star Search and watch them on your phone while viewing The Force Awakens in the theater.

Help! I’ve turned into Justin Bieber!


Yesterday, I was out searching the sidewalks for candy wrappers so I could make a new candy wrapper vest. At first it was just a normal day, but things started to get weird when I met a woman in an alley. She wore a purple tee-shirt with Justin Bieber’s face on it and was crouched on the ground like a puma about to strike.

“Can I help you?” I asked.

She just screamed “Beliebe!” and leapt at me, then started biting my neck. I pulled her off and ran out of the alley and didn’t stop running until I got back home.

I checked my neck in the bathroom mirror and found a bit of blood and teeth marks, oddly shaped like Canada. I slapped a bandage on it and went about my day, sorting and sewing my candy wrapper vest.

All throughout the day, I found myself singing pop songs and craving the screams of pre-teen girls. After several hours of this, I blacked out and woke up in my bed, as if nothing had happened. It was just another strange dream caused by too much beer and random pills I mistook for vitamins.

I headed into the bathroom and checked myself in the mirror again. The bandage was still there, but it wasn’t much of a concern. My hair had turned in the night from red to blondish brown and it stood up like some sort of fluffy porcupine. And my face had grown longer and more boyish.

There was no doubt about it: I had become Justin Bieber. My cravings grew as I stared into the mirror, the urge to sing, the urge to post selfies on Instagram, the urge to get a DUI. I’m now convinced that Justin Bieber is just a series of vampires, turned by ravenous fans mind controlled to make more Biebers when the current one wears out.

If I’m not able to return to normal, I might have to hire someone to slay me. But that’s going to be a problem. I know with regular vampires, you can use sunlight or a stake to the heart. But how you do you kill a Bieber?

Note:

This may still actually be a strange dream caused by too much beer and random pills I mistook for vitamins. I’ve blogged under the influence before.