10 Signs That Someone is Stalking You


I’ve decided to post a handy list of signs that you might have an admirer that’s slightly more obsessed with you than normal.

 

10 signs that someone is stalking you

 

1 Do you see a similar tree everywhere you go? Does that tree seem to be made out of cloth, with holes for eyes in the trunk? Does it periodically giggles maniacally?

2 Do you always seem to bump into same stranger? Is said stranger wearing a shirt with your picture on it? Is the picture one of you sleeping?

3 Does your ceiling sometimes make strange noises that sound like coughing? Does it sometimes yell out, “Move back a bit! The camera can’t see you?”

4 Have you ever found things missing from your home? Has your television been replaced by a giant painted portrait of the stranger you keep bumping into?

5 Is there a dog in your home that you don’t remember owning? Does it have human hands and a head that looks sort of like a Halloween wolf mask?

6 Do people always point over your shoulder and ask, “Who is that creepy looking dude skulking behind you?”

7 Have you ever woken up to find your hair cut? Do you later find a hair knit sweater in the mail that matches your color?

8 Do you receive numerous voicemails that all sound breathy but menacing? Do these voicemails just repeat the words “Stalky stalky stalky” over and over?

9 Have you found a note that says, “Stalk Me” pinned to the back of your shirt?

10 When you’re out driving, have you ever driven past a giant billboard with a picture of your face and the words, “I am stalking this person” written underneath?

 

If you have experienced all ten of these signs, there’s a good chance that you are being stalked. But I am not an expert, so there could be another explanation. You should ask the scary looking person hiding in your closet what they think.

 

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Advice Column Where I Give Myself Advice


I’ve decided to start an advice column, but as I do not have any letters from people asking advice, I am going to write letters to myself and answer with the advice I think I need.

Dear Car,
Have I told you how awesome I think you are? Well, I’ve had a bit of a rough day. The other day, I managed to get drunk enough to dress in a neighbor’s shower curtain and run around town claiming to be Scrubitus, the Greek god of bathing.

As Scrubitus, I pelted random people with bars of soap, while screaming at them to bow down to my awesome might and spring fresh scent. When they refused to comply, I attacked them with a loofah on a stick.

Needless to say, quite a few people were not pleased with my antics and I have yet another court date to prepare for. Is this a sign I should cut back on the booze and stay away from shower curtains?

Sincerely,
Car

Dear Car,
First of all, thanks for the compliment. And to answer your question:

Absolutely not! If anything, you need to drink more! The world needs you and your antics, whether they realize it or not. And did you know that the more people seem displeased at something, the more they love it? People tend to have a hard time accepting nice things and so try and act like they don’t want them. And a pseudo Greek god sporting soap is one of the nicest things anyone can get.

So, gather all the shower curtains you can find and load up on beer, whiskey, and homemade fermented candy corn wine. The world needs Scrubitus! The world needs you!

 

 

I hope you enjoyed reading my first attempt at an advice column and I hope I will take my advice.

Ode to Zombies – The song


I wrote a poem a while back (https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com/2012/07/15/ode-to-zombies) and have decided to ask my fiancée Candy to sing it as a song.

Ode to Zombies

The sun shone bright on my head.

It didn’t matter that I was dead.

People screamed and ran away.

But all I wanted to do was play.


Zombie tag is quite a thrill.

We shuffle along, going in for the kill.

We take your brain and wolf it down.

Then we party just outside of town.


We get drunk and dance ‘til dawn.

And then all crash at Forest Lawn.

Everyone should get on the zombie train.

All it costs is a bit of brain.

A New Year’s Tale


I hope you like this heartwarming tale about ringing in the new year.

A New Year’s Tale

Joey Oldyear sat back in his couch with a glass of wine and thought about how rich and full his life was, how he had witnessed the world and experienced so much. Wait, that was just the alcohol talking. Joey’s life consisted of everything from the past year stuffed inside his head, growing as the year went on. Imagine that, every gust of wind and bawling kid, every high tide and bathroom break. All crowding around his head along with celebrity gossip and world changing events.

Oh and if that wasn’t enough, Joey wasn’t quite a year old and he already looked like he was eighty years old, with a cliche white beard to boot. He remembered when he was Joey Newyear, a fresh faced kid who didn’t mind wearing only a diaper and sash bearing the year. Back then it was cute. Now it just made him look like a creepy pervert.

Being a figurative representation of a unit of time really sucked. You’d think it would be a glamorous job filled with fame and scantily dressed seconds, but it wasn’t. He was relegated to a small room in the back of a hollowed out eon, with only a couch and a hotplate to call his own.

And now an upstart little tyke was sauntering up, rosy faced and clearheaded. He grinned and danced a bit, making giggly baby sounds as he showed off his brand new sash, which wasn’t tattered and stained with chili sauce like Joey’s.

“Hey there,” the kid said. “I’m Matt Newyear!” He giggled again and sat in Joey’s lap. “You must be the old year.” Matt tugged at Joey’s beard. “A really old year.”

“Piss off,” Joey said, shoving the brat off the couch.

“No,” Matt said. “It’s my time now. And that’s my couch.”

“It isn’t yours until midnight in every time zone,” Joey said. “Now go bother someone else.”

“I want to bother you,” Matt said. “I’ve never seen a tired old man before.”

Joey stood up. “I am not old! If I was human, I’d just be learning how to walk!”

“You look old to me.” Matt cocked his head like a puppy. “I doubt you can even hold your bladder.”

“Neither can you, baby new year,” Joey said. Man, he remembered being this annoying when he was a new year, but this was different. This time he was only the receiving end of the cocky new replacement’s sass. Well, he could give as good as he got.

Matt looked down at his diaper. “I… I’m only wearing it for the tradition of it all. I’m quite potty trained.”

“Right,” Joey said. “Sure you are.”

“I am!” Matt said. He shook his head. “Wait, we’re getting off track. Aren’t we supposed to be talking about your frailty and senility?”

“I’m not too frail to take you on,” Joey said. He would have rolled up his sleeves if he had been wearing a shirt. “Come on shorty, let’s rumble.”

“Hold that thought,” Matt said. He looked at his wrist as if he was wearing a watch. “Ten, nine, eight, seven, six – ”

“What the hell are you doing?” Joey asked.

Matt held up his hand. “Three, two one.”

Joey grasped his heart and fell to the ground. Matt stepped over the body and climbed onto the couch. “Happy New Year,” he said with a smirk.

Extreme Re-gifting


Sometimes it’s hard to buy gifts for all the occasions that happen throughout the year. All that waiting in line, trudging from one store to another, or paying exorbitant shipping costs when ordering online.

Let me introduce you to the wonderful world of re-gifting. I’m not talking about wrapping up a dusty scented candle or glass unicorn you got from your aunt. I’m talking about retrofitting anything and everything, even things that weren’t gifts to begin with. The re in this type of re-gifting is short for recycle. And anything can be recycled into a gift if you try hard enough.

Maybe you want to give someone a gift basket filled lotions and other assorted fancy toiletries. There’s no need to spend lots of money, not when you have everything you need right in your own bathroom. You know those nearly empty lotion, shampoo and body wash bottles taking up space under your sink? If you consolidate each bottle into an empty one, you now have a full lotion, shampoo and soap to add to your basket. You can also take all the old slivers of soap you have and mold them into a shape like a heart or a duck billed platypus.

Want to give a bottle of wine? Get a wine bottle and fill it with water, leftover vodka, and mouthwash. You can claim it’s a fancy new type of wine made from rare hybrid grapes. You can even make your own label on the computer and give your wine its own winery, like “Boozenbrau Farms.” This also works for beer and other assorted spirits.

You can even gift alcohol to a friend even if you don’t have any on hand. Keep in mind that this only works if your friend is a heavy drinker. Just grab an empty bottle of high quality beer, wine, or whatever your friend prefers. Then go to his or her party late and stick it in the cushion of their couch while they are partying in another room. When they come up to you later to ask why you didn’t give them anything, point to the bottle and say, “You already drank it.” They won’t remember and will assume you’re telling the truth. While this may seem deceptive, you’re actually giving the thought of alcohol consumption and it’s the thought that counts.

And let’s say you want to give a gift to a couple’s baby shower? Most new parents prefer practical gifts they can actually use. While you can wash up some old cloth diapers and wrap them up, no one really uses cloth diapers anymore. That’s where used disposable diapers come in. If you wash a disposable diaper by hand in hot water and bleach, then let it dry in the sun for several days, it’s as good as new, albeit a little lumpy and possibly stained. (White out is good at hiding most stains.)

Speaking of babies, cigars are a classic gift to give after a child is born and just a nice gift overall to cigar lovers. And cigars are expensive and just too tempting not to smoke yourself. But if you take several cigar butts and glue them together, you’ll end up with a full sized cigar. You can also dye it pink or blue if you’re planning on giving it to a new father.

 

That’s just a taste of ways you can turn old items into quick gifts. Do you have any ideas of your own? Leave them in the comments. If you’re shy about leaving comments, then write them down on a piece of paper and paste them to your computer screen.

 

 

 

The Gem – a heartwarming story of medical malpractice


Here’s a story I wrote a while back as a gift to my mother. She used to tell me inspirational stories like this all the time when I was a kid and I just wanted to give her the same joy.

The Gem – a heartwarming story of medical malpractice

Dr. Kinnley prepared for open heart surgery on a young man with a congenital defect. It was a normal procedure, something he’d done hundreds of times before, even while drunk. He wasn’t drunk this time though, since someone had found his secret stash and drank every last drop. Stupid interns.

The young man he’d be working on today was one of those romantics, the kind who spoke about his heart as if it was one of those corny cards you buy at the supermarket, the red ones shaped like stylized hearts. The kid was getting married in a few weeks and kept making doe eyes at his fiance, while saying crap like, “You hold my heart in the palm of your hand” and “My heart is a gem, cut just for you.”

As they were getting ready for surgery, the man looked up at Dr. Kinnley and said, “Doc, just you wait. My love for Stacy is so strong, I just know my heart has been cured and that this is the last surgery I will ever need.”

Dr. Kinnley grumbled and shook head as the patient went under. He didn’t put much stock in miracles, or love for that matter. Especially not after his wife left him to join the circus. The world was a harsh place, filled with heartbreak and clowns seducing surgeon’s wives to the alluring world of tents and cotton candy.

He started cutting open the man’s chest, expecting more of the same; blood, bone and a pulsating mass of diseased heart muscle. Instead, Dr. Kinnley found a gem shaped in Valentine’s Day fashion, twinkling under the hospital lights.

“My god,” he said in awe. “His heart really is a gem.”

Dr. Kinnley laughed and danced around the room. It was a miracle. His heart really was a gem! Love really had transformed it. “Go love!”

Dr. Kinnley cut the man’s heart free and gently lifted the glittering gem. The other doctors and nurses nearby stared at him in shock and some even tried to rush over. He just cradled the heart to his chest and pushed them away.

“It’s a miracle,” Dr. Kinnley shouted. “The world needs to see!”

He pushed as the door leading into the hallway. “Don’t worry, I’ll give it back when I’m done.” Dr. Kinnley was pretty sure the patient would be fine without his gem heart for a few minutes. It was a miracle, after all.

Dr. Kinnley rushed into the waiting room and screamed. “Behold, the power of love!” He shoved the heart into the hands of the patient’s fiance. “Now you really can hold his heart in the palm of your hand.”

Instead of crying tears of joy over the miracle, the woman screamed and dropped it to the floor. Everyone else in the waiting room screamed as well and backed away from the the still bouncing heart. As Dr. Kinnley was tackled from behind, he thought that maybe taking that hit of acid to replace his booze wasn’t such a good idea.

The Mysterious Dogsnake


Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, the Chupacabra. For years, people have searched for the mysterious and elusive animals that roam the shadows of the world, hoping to cast a fleeting glimpse of these magnificent beasts.

But the most mysterious creature of them all is not well known. You won’t find its picture on the news or tee-shirts and it doesn’t have legions of fans. You see, this animal hides so well, people don’t have the chance to catch tantalizing glimpses or take blurry photographs. The animal is the dogsnake and it deserves much more recognition than it gets.

The big shots like Nessie and Bigfoot aren’t as shy as they make out to be. For all their shunning of the spotlight, they spend an awful lot of time mugging for the camera. They show themselves just enough so people keep looking for them. It’s all a carefully cultivated bid at fame, an act if you will. They aren’t anymore mysterious than a gopher. They thrive on the fame they create.

Dogsnakes, on the other hand, are truly mysterious. These creatures don’t slowly saunter up to people, only to zoom away once a blurry picture has been taken. They truly hide from the world and because of that we have very little information about their appearance or habits.

I managed to find only one photo of a dogsnake during my research and while it’s as blurry as you’d expect from such a mysterious creature, you can still make out its obvious dog and snake characteristics.

From what little information I’ve been able to gather, dogsnakes enjoy grassy areas. The rest of my theories on dogsnakes are all conjecture, but I’m sure that when these creatures are finally caught and studied, most of my theories will be found to be true.

Since dogsnakes are both dog and snakes, they will have traits of both. They will neither bark or hiss, but perform a sort of bark-hiss that probably sounds like a dog barking while biting through an air hose. Since their body is that of a snake, they will eat small rodents and other such animals. But since their brain is that of a dogs, they will also crave milk-bones and table scraps.

Dogsnakes most likely enjoy a good game of fetch, even though their ability to jump up and catch the ball is hindered by their lack of legs. They probably enjoy a nice scratch behind the ears and belly rub as well, although the belly rub part may be off-putting to some people.

Their dog brains will allow them to be trained, but some tricks won’t be suitable because of their snake body. A bit of creativity is in order to modify common tricks that may be an issue. Instead of rollover, try coil and instead of give me a paw, try give me a tail. Of course, since dogsnakes are very hard to find, you most likely won’t be able to get close enough to one to train it.

And the reason that dogsnakes are so mysterious and elusive is that they’re too busy being dogsnakes to care about people. Dogsnakes don’t care for the trivial lives of humans. They only care about the open road – or grassy field – and the wind in their hair as they slither off into the sunset.

But don’t fret. There will be a time when human and dogsnakes will live together in harmony. Their dog brains are wired to be pets, so all we have to do is catch a few to get them to warm up to us. I’ve been developing a plan to catch a dogsnake and I think it might work.

First, I’m going to tie a milk-bone to a mouse and train it to search out a dogsnake and lure it to a small tiger pit that will be cleverly disguised with discarded newspapers. The weight of the dogsnake will collapse the newspaper, sending it hurtling down onto a layer of soft pillows. If the dogsnake is not allergic to duck down, everything should work out perfectly.

Here’s to the mysterious dogsnake! May it slither into the hearts of people everywhere!

Photographs and Stuffed Animal Zombie Attacks


I’ve tried my hand at photography, as it seemed simple enough. You just point and shoot, sort of like murder but without the long prison sentence. Besides, I’m not really cut out for murder. I can’t keep a secret, like the fact that my friend Rob has an extra middle toe. (Sorry, Rob. Don’t worry, no one’s going to start calling you “Toey.” Well, except me.) Plus, I’m barely able to kill time without setting up a memorial service for all those murdered minutes.

So, I figured I could grab my cellphone and take a few pictures, then watch as people start cheering my artistic genius, just like they did for my “Cow Fetuses Need Love Too,” music video. (Well, I think they did. The praise I get is a sort of silent praise, as I assume people are awed into silence by my work. The quieter things are, the more impact I know I had.)

Without further ado, (or is it a do? I’ve always wondered about that. Maybe the term references an a-line hairdo and I just haven’t realized it, especially since I have no idea what an a-line hairdo is) here are some pictures sure to make your heart contract with wonder. (If you heart contracts too much, be sure to get proper medical attention.)

I call this “Corner of the TV.” I was trying to take a picture of a really nice landscape, but I was a little too close and just ended up with a blurry piece of the corner of the screen. So, I’ll just say that this is a statement about popular media and how it blurs our perceptions. Or maybe memories and how they’re…. screen… like.

This one is my attempt at a photographic still-life. I decided to take a picture of a single orange surrounded by several fruit that are slightly off camera. I created a story for this. The middle orange got drunk at a family get together and demanded a photo, but the other fruits were embarrassed to be seen with him (or her, it’s hard to tell with fruit) and made sure their faces were hidden. Well, they made sure whatever passed for faces on produce were hidden. This was my attempt of gritty realism.

These are called Open Spring and Closed Spring. I was inspired by my post about taking a vacation in your bathroom and decided to show the beauty of sparkling water, even if it’s at the bottom of your John.

I accidentally got my finger in this shot and figured, why not name it Finger and claim it was intentional? Oh wait, I shouldn’t have said that. This was intentional, not a mistake at all. Fingers are under-appreciated.

This next one is a picture of the peephole on my front door. I really like this one, so I’m going to call it Joe and print it out as a pretend pet.

Finally, there’s one I like to call Stuffed Animal Zombie Attack. This doesn’t have any artistic merit, I just think that the idea of stuffed animals turning into zombies is kind of awesome.

That’s all for now. I know, you’ve had a taste and now want more, like the photography equivalent of a sample of cocaine. I’d advise you to indulge in my photos, since they won’t destroy your nasal passages, unless you shove them up your nose. And trust me, photos never quite look the same once they’ve been shoved into your sinuses.


Here’s an old post I made that I feel is important to once again share with the world.

Cartopia

I’m an avid collector. But my favorite collection isn’t something most people see as “normal.” But I’m here to tell you about the wonderful world of

Cow fetus collecting.

They’re the perfect pets, forever preserved in their little jars, always ready to listen and never ready to judge, even if they smell of formaldehyde and look like something out of a mad scientist’s lab. If you look past all that, you can see their playful nature, or at least the playful nature they would have if they weren’t stuck in a jar. It just takes a bit of imagination.

Bessy’s my favorite. She has a brown spot on her rump and whenever I want to take my cow fetuses out on the town, she’s the first to go. I’d love to find other people who love floating bovine buddies as much as I do, but the only other people I’ve…

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