It’s October, which means Halloween and my cousin Mike’s parole date are coming up. But you’re probably only interested in Halloween. So, I’m going to show you how to create the most awesome costume to ever exist.
The Candy Commando
First let me tell you about the Candy Commando. He’s the world’s best defense against the candy menace. The Candy Commando fights the good fight against the rise of candy domination by devouring all candy he comes across on sight. He is the sugar coated hero we should all aim to be.
The Candy Commando only exists in my mind so far, but I plan to turn him into a character for a series of P.S.A.s about the secret plots of candykind.
Step by step guide to the perfect Candy Commando costume
- Make a wreath of candy wrappers and mini boxes of gum drops. You can attach them together with a hot glue gun, but don’t try to wear it and make it at the same time. It might be quicker that way, but hot glue burns are not fun.
- Using the same glue gun, attach candy wrappers to an old pair of pants and tee-shirt. Resist the urge to use the fancy suit you borrowed from that friend you got into a fight with last Tuesday. The fight will blow over, but not if you mangle their best piece of clothing.
- Get two candy display boxes grocery stores stick at the end of check out lines and craft them into shoes. Be careful that there is not any candy left in the boxes when you take them, or you could end up busted for shoplifting.
- Use spirit gum to attach blue candy to your face in an approximation of the warpaint from the movie Braveheart. There’s no need to add a kilt, though.
- Smear a costume gun with glue and then cover it with rainbow and chocolate sprinkles until every inch is coated. Refrain from trying to bite your gun, as glue is not a tasty addition to sugary sprinkles.
- Now that your costume is complete, head out into your neighborhood and shout “I am the Candy Commando! I devour candy on sight!” while grabbing candy from random strangers and running away. Make sure you run fast, as most people don’t take kindly to candy theft, even if it’s just a byproduct of your confection military training.
A Candy Commando costume will allow you to put candy on notice that the world is becoming aware of its sentience and plans for world domination, while giving you an excuse to snatch as much candy as you want without feeling like a thief. It’s for the protection of the world, after all.