A step by step guide to the most awesome Halloween costume ever

It’s October, which means Halloween and my cousin Mike’s parole date are coming up. But you’re probably only interested in Halloween. So, I’m going to show you how to create the most awesome costume to ever exist.

The Candy Commando

First let me tell you about the Candy Commando. He’s the world’s best defense against the candy menace. The Candy Commando fights the good fight against the rise of candy domination by devouring all candy he comes across on sight. He is the sugar coated hero we should all aim to be.

The Candy Commando only exists in my mind so far, but I plan to turn him into a character for a series of P.S.A.s about the secret plots of candykind.

Step by step guide to the perfect Candy Commando costume

  1. Make a wreath of candy wrappers and mini boxes of gum drops. You can attach them together with a hot glue gun, but don’t try to wear it and make it at the same time. It might be quicker that way, but hot glue burns are not fun.
  2. Using the same glue gun, attach candy wrappers to an old pair of pants and tee-shirt. Resist the urge to use the fancy suit you borrowed from that friend you got into a fight with last Tuesday. The fight will blow over, but not if you mangle their best piece of clothing.
  3. Get two candy display boxes grocery stores stick at the end of check out lines and craft them into shoes. Be careful that there is not any candy left in the boxes when you take them, or you could end up busted for shoplifting.
  4. Use spirit gum to attach blue candy to your face in an approximation of the warpaint from the movie Braveheart. There’s no need to add a kilt, though.
  5. Smear a costume gun with glue and then cover it with rainbow and chocolate sprinkles until every inch is coated. Refrain from trying to bite your gun, as glue is not a tasty addition to sugary sprinkles.
  6. Now that your costume is complete, head out into your neighborhood and shout “I am the Candy Commando! I devour candy on sight!” while grabbing candy from random strangers and running away. Make sure you run fast, as most people don’t take kindly to candy theft, even if it’s just a byproduct of your confection military training.

A Candy Commando costume will allow you to put candy on notice that the world is becoming aware of its sentience and plans for world domination, while giving you an excuse to snatch as much candy as you want without feeling like a thief. It’s for the protection of the world, after all.


You will never look at candy the same way again.

I’ve long harbored suspicions that candy is not as sweet and innocent as it would lead us to believe. That’s why I did some investigative journalism on the secret lives of sugary treats. At first, I couldn’t find any proof, no matter how many times I interrogated candy bars, or threatened their pinata informants at my young cousin’s birthday parties. I even camped out in the candy section of the grocery store to attempt to catch them off guard.

Just when I was about to give up, I received shocking photos from an anonymous source. These photos are proof that candy is up to no good. The photos only show marshmallow bunnies and chocolate, but I am sure that this applies to all candy. Hopefully my source will provide me with a larger variety of candy secrets in the future.

Here are the photos. Be warned, you will never look at candy the same way again.

How chocolate is really made.

Candy bunnies have the same needs as regular bunnies.

A rare shot of candy birth.

Marshmallow bunny indulging in his own chocolate waste.

They also eat their own kind!

So there you have it. Candy is not a foodstuff, but a group of sentient cannibalistic creatures that are no doubt plotting our demise. They are a sugar coated lie, one that we swallow down with a smile on our faces. Except for chocolate. Chocolate is just candy poop and poop doesn’t have a mind of its own.

There is only one thing we can do:

Eat more candy. Candy can’t plot anything if it’s dissolved with stomach acid. Their whole scheme rests on us hording them in pillowcases on Halloween or baskets on Easter. The moment you get your hands on candy, eat it! The only good candy is an eaten candy and we should not rest until all candy is devoured on sight.

Halloween Acrostic Poem

I wrote a poem about what happened last year on October 31st. I think it turned out really well and gives a great example of a fun and wholesome Halloween.


Had to get my stomach pumped from eating plastic decorations I thought were candy
Asked a woman dressed as a firefighter if she would rescue me from my pants
Left the room after said woman smacked me with a rubber axe
Let another woman play Lady Godiva with me as the horse
Opened the door and ran away when Lady Godiva tried to brand me
Went to another party that had better booze
Ended up passed out on an inflatable skeleton
Entered the events in my journal
Noshed on leftover Halloween candy that I made sure wasn’t plastic

Halloween tale my mother used to tell me

Mother had one special story she told every Halloween, before the family would go out trick-or-treating. Since there weren’t any large scary houses where we lived, I always wondered about the reason for the story. I guess Mother’s just strange sometimes.

Roy and the Haunted House

Once there was a child named Roy who wanted to go out trick-or-treating. He didn’t have a costume, so he cut a few holes in a sheet and went out as a kid trapped under a sheet. (Ghosts were so last year.) Roy skipped along with his plastic pumpkin, eager to go out and wheedle candy from his neighbors.

He started out at the large house at the edge of town, the one with the overgrown yard, broken windows and strange screams that seemed to come from the attic. All the other kids said it was haunted, but Roy didn’t care. Ghosts may be so last year, but they had to have really unique candy. So, Roy opened the rusty gate leading into the big scary house and ignored the ghostly voice that said, “Turn back now.” It couldn’t be talking about him. It was probably some sort of warning for the wild insurance salesmen that wandered the town at night.

He stepped through the weeds and writhing scarecrows that littered the yard and stepped up the creaking porch steps. The door stood open and Roy stepped inside, once again ignoring the voice that said, “What part of turn back now don’t you understand?”

Roy stepped inside and found nothing but cobwebs and dusty furniture. Oh, and the big scary ghost with transparent blood running down the knife clutched in his skeletal hand. Roy stepped right up to him and held out his bucket.

“Trick or treat,” he said.

The ghost peered down at the child, his milky eyes drilling into his soul. “You’re not an insurance salesman, are you?”

“No,” Roy said. “I’m just a kid in a costume.”

“Good,” the ghost said. “I’m sick and tired of those damn insurance salesmen trying to sell me life insurance. Life insurance! I’m already dead!” He shook his head. “Well, what do you want?”

“Well,” Roy said, still holding out his bucket. “I was wondering if you had any special ghost candy. Like skull lollipops or Booter Fingers.”

“Kid,” the ghost said, as he twirled the bloody knife in his hands. “What made you think a ghost would have candy? The dead don’t eat.”

“Oh,” Roy said, looking down. “Well, I’m sorry to bother you. I guess I’ll be going.”

“You probably should,” the ghost said. “I’m about to start a ghost Halloween party and we’re going to have some skeleton strippers. They may not have any flesh, but it’s still not appropriate for young eyes. Sorry you came here for nothing.”

Roy walked out of the haunted house and headed back towards the town. He spent so much time heading to the edge of town that he didn’t have time to hit up any normal houses and had to go home empty handed. The only candy he ate that night was one of his mother’s dried prune balls.

Moral: Don’t expect mortal candy from haunted houses. You’ll only be disappointed.