Rent a Giraffe – my new business venture


I’ve decided to start a giraffe renting company. If came to me the other day, when I was driving to the store. The streets were clogged with traffic from some accident. As my car inched along, I thought, ‘this would be better with a giraffe.”

Imagine riding a giraffe around town, stepping around and over traffic. You’d never have to stop for gas again, as the giraffe would refuel at trees planted on the side of the road. Plus, think of all the people who’d look at you and say, “Awesome, that dude’s riding a freaking giraffe!” or if they’re more refined, “Marvelous, that dapper chap is ridding a Giraffa camelopardalis.” Either way, they’ll think you’re innovative yet sophisticated, with a bit of flair.

Riding a giraffe will improve your love life, your business prospects and your social standing. If you show up on a date in a giraffe, you can bet there will be another in the future. There’s nothing more romantic and exciting than traveling by giraffe back. Do you think your boss will look you over for that promotion if you show up to work on a giraffe? Nothing says quick thinking and reliable like showing up for work on the back of a wild animal. And the whole world looks highly on a man brave enough to use a giraffe for transportation. Soon, you’ll be invited to parties you never new existed and hobnobbing with celebrities, trading the latest in giraffe related gossip.

There’s one problem with my giraffe renting enterprise. I have no giraffes.

So, I’m in the market to buy giraffes. Does anyone know where I can get some cheap giraffes, preferably in bulk?

Spending Time With Mother


I decided to spend some time with my mother today. First, she cooked a wonderful lunch of cheese filled roasted marshmallows and Rocky Mountain oyster milkshakes. It was nice to be able to sit and enjoy Mother’s home cooking. It made me appreciate my childhood years, when every night was something special and how much I took fresh baked liver banana bread for granted.

After our bellies were full, we headed off to the custom shooting range Mother crafted in the woods an hour out of town. We fired on effigies of cartoon characters and emptied round after round into stained glassed targets my mother ordered from France. I never spent enough time learning about mother’s passion for guns and exploding rounds when I was a kid. I feel honored that she lets me share in it now.

Then we went to Mother’s favorite strip bar, Bee Raiders, where all the guys wear nothing but a generous slathering of honey. While I have no interest in watching honey covered men dance to techno music, it was nice to do something just for Mother. Besides, she went with me to my favorite strip bar, Oysters Away, where women wrestle in raw oysters, dressed in nothing but hats made out of shucked shells.

After that, we met with my fiance, Candy and went bar hopping late into the night. Mother’s an expert bar hopper and Candy and I could barely keep up. We ended the night in a detention cell, after Mother decided City Hall would look better painted purple. My father bailed us out and that officially ended our special day together. Now I’m planning a special day just with Candy and me. I’ve already rented the marmosets.

On Raising Escargot


A lot of people spend tons of money on escargot, which is just snails. I decided to get into the snail farming business and sell my wares to French restaurants around town. First, I prepared a cardboard box for my slimy friends. I didn’t have any food to put in the box, so I just put in a bunch of IOUs and hoped the snails wouldn’t mind. Then, I went to the local park and gathered some snails from the roses. I didn’t have any fancy snail catching gear, but a pillowcase worked just fine.

After getting about fifty snails, I dumped the pillowcase into the box and taped an old mesh shirt over the top to keep them inside. Then I took the box around town, looking for snail food. I wanted to respect my snails, so I didn’t get any boring flowers or plants. Instead, I went to a drive through and ordered some burgers and a few shakes. The workers ragged on my lack of car and box full of snails, but I ignored them. I didn’t want the snails to get upset.

The snails seemed happy with the food, or at least how I imagined happy snails to look like, so I walked home and stuck the box in my backyard. I wanted to respect the snail’s privacy, so I waited a few days to check on them.

They were all dead. 😦 I guess they just couldn’t stand captivity and died of a broken heart. Oh well, I’ll just try again later.

Advice I’ve Gathered Over the Years


Here’s some bits of wisdom and life lessons I’ve figured out through my daily life:

  • Never spit back at a llama.
  • Always make sure the fruit you’re eating isn’t plastic.
  • Fire is not a mouthwash.
  • The snails in your backyard do not make good escargot.
  • Paying a parking fine in pennies is a bad idea.
  • Women don’t like to be called “Sugar Crotch.”
  • No matter how hot it is outside, don’t pour a smoothie on your head.
  • Just because flavored lip gloss smells nice, doesn’t mean it makes a good snack.
  • Your mother does not want to hear about your performance issues.
  • House paint is not a substitute for Halloween makeup.
  • Playboy cannot be used to teach high school anatomy.
  • What happens when you’re drunk always seems less embarrassing than it really is.
  • Infants are not paperweights.
  • “Is this edible,” is a very useful question.
  • Portable showers are not a good idea.
  • Meat is not something you can buy on a street corner.
  • A trip to a public bathroom is not a date.
  • Always make sure to look both ways before crossing the freeway.
  • The ER is not the place to go when you have an itch you can’t reach.
  • Restaurants don’t like it if you bring your own portable oven and ask to cook the food yourself.
  • When in doubt, wear pants.

 

My Personal Hero


I’d like to tell you about one of my personal heroes. You won’t find him in the papers or on a reality show. There are no websites about him and he doesn’t have his own brand of deodorant. But he is one of the most amazing people in the world and everyone should know about him and his wondrous feats.

His name is Rick Gassermyer and he is the only man to commit to wearing clothing made out of antique wooden commodes. Why would someone do such a thing, you ask? Why not? The challenge of wearing nothing but old wood imbued with countless years of odors most people find distasteful is something most of us would pass up, maybe even deride. But to do something so unique, so against the grain of society, creates a moment of beauty and power, that lives on as long as Rick has the courage to offend our sensibilities and our noses.

He shows us how to truly live, that life should always be on the edges of what’s considered normal, even if that edge happens to involve hundred year old human waste. Being a maverick takes more than innovative ideas and a life less ordinary. The world’s been around too long for that to keep our interest. Innovation is dull and while it may give us shiny new toys, it’s as boring as watching golf played by narcoleptics. With the ever increasing need for something that hasn’t been seen before, people like Rick are our only hope.

So, please, for the love of society, find your own local heroes and let them know how important they are to keeping our interest in the world around us. There’s a Rick in every town, wearing edible tuxedos and creating sculptures out of cat hairballs. And once you find these heroes, learn from them, so you too can become a maverick for these modern times.

Thank you Rick and all those like you, for your fearlessness in making the world a better place. You are an inspiration to us all.

The Perils of Fountain Bathing


One of my favorite hobbies is fountain bathing. It’s wonderfully freeing to go into a public fountain and lather up with Irish Spring and scrub your worries away in front of a dozen confused onlookers. If you’re lucky, some of them might join you. If you’re not, you’ll get chased away from over caffeinated security guards. Either way, it provides for an interesting afternoon.

I did it a few days ago, but everything went wrong. First, I couldn’t find any soap, so I had to grab a bottle of liquid shampoo. Then, I forgot that I was going out in the middle of the day and neglected to wear clothes. The weekend shoppers stared at me like I had grown an extra head, but I couldn’t just go home. So, I emptied the garbage bag from a nearby can to use as a makeshift tunic, clutched my bottle of shampoo and headed into the fountain… only to discover that the fountain hadn’t been cleaned in ages. Trust me, you don’t want to know what it’s like slipping on a pile of mildew and the dead skin of people’s sweating feet.

I staggered back up and started to lather up, singing and trying to pretend this was just a normal fountain bathing experience and not a complete disaster. That lasted about five minutes, until I realized I wasn’t lathering up with shampoo, but with hair dye my girlfriend had put into an empty shampoo bottle. She was currently experimenting with pink hair.

So, there I was, smearing pink dye all over myself, while wearing a dirty garbage bag and a coating of fountain slime. Everyone was staring at me more than usual, but I kept my head up and continued bathing, even though I knew I’d be a stinking pink mess at the end. But it was worth it to see hear the laughter of the crowd from the obvious joy I spread to them through my bathing prowess. A little bit of pink skin and yesterday’s lunch is a small price to pay for letting people see such fine bathing technique. So, I guess it all turned out right in the end.

It’s Been a Long Time – And It’s All Because of Instant Shoes


Sorry for not posting here in so long. I ended up on a nearly three month tour as the mascot for my cousin Rina’s new product, Instant Shoes. It was an awesome spray on shoe that came in multiple colors and styles. She picked me to be her mascot, Shoey and even made me a shoe costume to wear while I sang about Instant Shoes and what a great new invention they were.

Rina worked me day and night, which made it impossible to get online to update the blog, not to mention the fact that she forced me not to have any contact with the outside world, so I could fully immerse myself in the Shoey character. Shoes aren’t very sociable, you see.

It was fun and I really enjoyed being a part of such a great product. Unfortunately, it turned out that Rina’s spray was not really suitable for footwear and so the whole business plan collapsed out from under us. Rina didn’t have any use for Shoey anymore and I couldn’t keep going across the country, singing and dancing in parking lots, without the backing of an actual product. I tried that before and it only got me chased from town by the local police. So, I packed up my costume and headed back home and the life I left behind.

But since it was such a good product, I’ve decided to share the lyrics to the Instant Shoe song Rina had me sing:

You’re in a bind, and you can’t find,

Those shoes you thought you had.

The floor is rough, the going’s tough

And what’s that? Oh my god, hot sand!

Do you need a hand?

No, you need a shoe!

But not just any shoe will do!

Instant Shoe, oh Instant Shoe!

Just spray it on and go!

Instant Shoe, oh Instant Shoe!

The cure to no shoe woe!

Well it’s good to be back and I hope you’ve all had fun these past months. And remember, if you want to create a spray on shoe, make sure you don’t use something that washes away in the rain.

It’s Twist Tie Appreciation Day!


It’s finally here! Twist Tie Appreciation Day, where we honor those hardworking little bits of metal and plastic that keep your bread fresh and your stereo wires all in one place. So, today’s post will be a collection of things I did today to celebrate the twist tie.

 

 

Twist tie bracelets These are fun and easy to make. All you have to do is take a few twist ties and wind them together to make one long twist tie you can wrap around your wrist. Whenever you wear it, you’ll show the world just how much you appreciate twist ties.

Twist tie hors d’oeuvre I placed little cheddar cheese squares and mini meatballs on a plate and stuck them with twist ties instead of toothpicks. It really went over with my friends and families, especially when my mother curved the twist ties and made herself a pair of meatball earrings.

Twist tie horseshoes How can you make a game of horseshoes better? By weaving a bunch of twist ties into a giant horseshoe shape and using that instead.

Twist tie sculptures Twist ties can become a lot of things, including birds, spaceships and the entire cast of West Side Story. Unfortunately, all I was able to do was make things that looked like a mass collection of twist ties.

Twist tie dancing I invented a dance for Twist Tie Appreciation Day, called the twist tie. All you do is writhe around, while tossing bags of bread into the air. It looks a lot more graceful than it sounds.

All in all, Twist Tie Appreciation day was everything you’d expect in a day created to honor twist ties, plus so much more. I hope your Twist Tie Appreciation Day was twistacular!

Valentine’s Day Eve


Today’s Valentine’s Day Eve, the day where you remember all the horrible things romance can bring and purge the bile from your soul, to prepare yourself for the hearts and candy of Valentine’s Day.

Today is the day to remember the heart breakers, the stalkers, the blind dates and the humiliations. Today is the day to gather all that reminds you of the one that not only got away, but stomped your heart into paste and burn them in a bonfire fueled by red paper hearts. Today is the day to head to a bar and make out with as many people as you can, drowning your loneliness in a sea of booze and flesh. Today is the day to curl up in a corner and sob at your loss of freedom, while weaving red ribbons into the chains you will be forced to wear for the rest of your miserable life, while your friends drown their loneliness in a sea of booze and flesh.

So, crush a rose, smash a box of chocolates, have a one night stand with a complete stranger. Then, get a good night’s rest and wake up, ready to deal with Valentine’s Day with a brave face and lack of tears.