10 Signs That Someone is Stalking You

I’ve decided to post a handy list of signs that you might have an admirer that’s slightly more obsessed with you than normal.

 

10 signs that someone is stalking you

 

1 Do you see a similar tree everywhere you go? Does that tree seem to be made out of cloth, with holes for eyes in the trunk? Does it periodically giggles maniacally?

2 Do you always seem to bump into same stranger? Is said stranger wearing a shirt with your picture on it? Is the picture one of you sleeping?

3 Does your ceiling sometimes make strange noises that sound like coughing? Does it sometimes yell out, “Move back a bit! The camera can’t see you?”

4 Have you ever found things missing from your home? Has your television been replaced by a giant painted portrait of the stranger you keep bumping into?

5 Is there a dog in your home that you don’t remember owning? Does it have human hands and a head that looks sort of like a Halloween wolf mask?

6 Do people always point over your shoulder and ask, “Who is that creepy looking dude skulking behind you?”

7 Have you ever woken up to find your hair cut? Do you later find a hair knit sweater in the mail that matches your color?

8 Do you receive numerous voicemails that all sound breathy but menacing? Do these voicemails just repeat the words “Stalky stalky stalky” over and over?

9 Have you found a note that says, “Stalk Me” pinned to the back of your shirt?

10 When you’re out driving, have you ever driven past a giant billboard with a picture of your face and the words, “I am stalking this person” written underneath?

 

If you have experienced all ten of these signs, there’s a good chance that you are being stalked. But I am not an expert, so there could be another explanation. You should ask the scary looking person hiding in your closet what they think.

 

5 things that happen when you give up bathing

I’ve always found bathing to be a bit wimpy. In my opinion, if you’re tough enough, you don’t need to rely on frilly things like soap and shampoo. So, I made this post to show everyone the joys of shunning the shower.

5 things that happen when you give up bathing

Day 1 – You start to have a very interesting odor. This scent is a delightful mix of dirt and sweat, with a possible hint of food if you happen to be a messy eater.

Day 3 – Your skin starts to take on a healthy gray sheen. If you shamble and mutter “Brains” every once in a while, people might think you’re a zombie and rush away, allowing you access to the front of all sorts of lines and queues.

Day 10 – Your hair loses that annoying frizz and flattens to your head with sweat and grease. This will allow you to have hair that’s flattened to your head with sweat and grease.

Day 25 – A strong force field forms around you that causes other people to move out of the way when you walk down the street.

Day 100 – You gain your own army of lice and house flies, to command as you will. Use this power wisely.

Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date

There’s many pitfalls to getting through that first date. How do you make sure you don’t make a fool of yourself or cause your date to throw you through a plate glass window? Well, let my handy list tell you what you need to know!

Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date:

1. Tell your date they have a small round bug on their face and then attempt to pull it off. It’s probably a mole.
2. Say, “I just met you but I’m not much for the dating scene. Can we just do it under the table?”
3. Pull out a spork with a tiny wig glued to the top and say, “This is my best friend Sporky. He goes everywhere with me.”
4. Compliment your date with, “You’re a real freak, but I’m desperate.”
5. Pull out two masks and ask them if they want to help you rob the restaurant you’re heading to.
6. Go to the local garbage dump and show your date how to search for “Trash Mushrooms.”
7. Ask, “How much do you charge an hour?” This is a date. Dates are free.
8. Bring your mother along. Yes, she might enjoy the opera, but it’ll be hard to interact with your date with her sitting between you.
9. When the date ends, ask “How about a goodnight blowjob?” No. First dates are kisses.
10. Grab someone off the street and drive them to the movies. That is not a date. That is kidnapping.

A step by step guide to the most awesome Halloween costume ever

It’s October, which means Halloween and my cousin Mike’s parole date are coming up. But you’re probably only interested in Halloween. So, I’m going to show you how to create the most awesome costume to ever exist.

The Candy Commando

First let me tell you about the Candy Commando. He’s the world’s best defense against the candy menace. The Candy Commando fights the good fight against the rise of candy domination by devouring all candy he comes across on sight. He is the sugar coated hero we should all aim to be.

The Candy Commando only exists in my mind so far, but I plan to turn him into a character for a series of P.S.A.s about the secret plots of candykind.

Step by step guide to the perfect Candy Commando costume

1. Make a wreath of candy wrappers and mini boxes of gum drops. You can attach them together with a hot glue gun, but don’t try to wear it and make it at the same time. It might be quicker that way, but hot glue burns are not fun.
2. Using the same glue gun, attach candy wrappers to an old pair of pants and tee-shirt. Resist the urge to use the fancy suit you borrowed from that friend you got into a fight with last Tuesday. The fight will blow over, but not if you mangle their best piece of clothing.
3. Get two candy display boxes grocery stores stick at the end of check out lines and craft them into shoes. Be careful that there is not any candy left in the boxes when you take them, or you could end up busted for shoplifting.
4. Use spirit gum to attach blue candy to your face in an approximation of the warpaint from the movie Braveheart. There’s no need to add a kilt, though.
5. Smear a costume gun with glue and then cover it with rainbow and chocolate sprinkles until every inch is coated. Refrain from trying to bite your gun, as glue is not a tasty addition to sugary sprinkles.
6. Now that your costume is complete, head out into your neighborhood and shout “I am the Candy Commando! I devour candy on sight!” while grabbing candy from random strangers and running away. Make sure you run fast, as most people don’t take kindly to candy theft, even if it’s just a byproduct of your confection military training.

A Candy Commando costume will allow you to put candy on notice that the world is becoming aware of its sentience and plans for world domination, while giving you an excuse to snatch as much candy as you want without feeling like a thief. It’s for the protection of the world, after all.

 

The Potato Prank – A guide to tricking people into thinking you have a magical talking potato

Here’s a guide to my famous potato prank. If you follow each step, this prank is foolproof and will delight and terrify anyone you decide to trick.

The Potato Prank

1. Get a potato. (This should be self evident, but I don’t want to leave this step out, since you might attempt this prank while potato-less, which would defeat the whole purpose of the prank.)
2. Place the potato on a table. The table should have a long tablecloth that reaches to the floor. The tablecloth can be any color, but I personally prefer a solid color and not some gaudy flowery nonsense you only see in you grandmother’s house, mostly covered in dust.
3. Hide under the table. Make sure there are no dogs sleeping under the table as they might wake up during the prank and start humping your leg.
4. Wait until you hear someone enter the room. Carefully peek under the tablecloth until you see them come near the table.
5. Start talking in a deep voice and say things like, “I am the grand potato. Feel my starchy wrath!” Or maybe “The land of Tuber will no longer stand for the consumption of its kin!” Anything that sounds both potatoy and slightly menacing will do.
6. Continue speaking even if the prankee seems to be doubtful of the talking potato. This is just them slipping into denial from fear of a spud initiated conversation. Evidence of this denial comes out in phrases such as, “Not this again,” and “Don’t you have anything better to do?” or even “Cut it out. I wasn’t tricked the first time.” These are all just ways of quieting the terror inside. The more they protest, the more you know the trick is working.
7. The prankee will eventually leave the room or pull up the tablecloth in a vain attempt to search for hidden potato hordes. If they leave the room, rush out and yell, “Gotcha!” If they pull up the tablecloth, smile and yell, “Gotcha!”

If done correctly, this prank will always trick people, no matter how many times they’ve had it pulled on them. It’s the prank that keeps on pranking and will always bring joy and a bit of potato based fear to those you love (and maybe those you hate as well.)

Sunbathers Are Not Diving Boards – A pool safety list for things you might not think of

It’s summer, which means it’s time to soak in a communal water pit, while wearing clothing akin to boxer shorts, ladies underwear and leotards. Most people refer to this as hanging out at the pool.

While communal soaking in underwear and dance clothes can be fun, there are several risks involved. I feel it is my duty to warn you of several of these potential mishaps.

1. Do not add carrots, beef and potatoes to a heated pool. While making the world’s largest pot of stew is commendable, the water is not hot enough to cook the ingredients. Besides, other people will probably not appreciate swimming with bits of meat and vegetables.
2. Do not hide a bottle of lemonade in your bathing suit and surreptitiously open the cap underwater while saying, “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.” It might be hilarious, but it’s a waste of good lemonade. Use a bottle of water with food coloring instead.
3. If you decide to dress up like Poseidon, do not bring a homemade trident crafted out of steel. Accidentally impaling other swimmers is a big no no.
4. Do not use “Is the water warmer here or is it just me?” as a pickup line. Most people don’t find bodily fluids attractive.
5. Sunbathers are not diving boards, even exceptionally tall ones.
6. Do not scream “Shark!” and expect people to get out of the pool. There are no such things as pool sharks. You will just look like an idiot.
7. If you want to play volleyball, use a ball. The toddler in the shallow end is not an appropriate substitute.
8. Do not try to nap at the bottom of the pool. It may seem calm and quiet, but it won’t end well.
9. Do not drop a candy bar into the water, then point at it and go, “Ewwwwww!” Candy bars are too uniform and will fool no one. Use a plastic mold instead.
10. When your skin starts to shrivel up, do not walk around the pool screaming, “I am Prune Man!” That’s my shtick. Get your own.

Five Unique Vacation Ideas

Have you ever wanted a special vacation, something where you wouldn’t have to fight crowds just to see or do something that everyone and their mother had already seen? Well, I’ve decided to make a list of five unique vacation ideas. With these, you can stand tall with the knowledge that your vacation truly was special.

 

Join a cult:

For this to work, you need to join a cult that requires its members to live in an isolated house or commune. Consider this as your bed and breakfast. What’s a better vacation from the world than completely isolating yourself from it? Plus, you’ll get to wear a robe and practice your chanting. Just make sure to leave the cult before they offer you any kool-ade.

 

Visit a garbage dump:

Garbage dumps get a bad rap. You can find all sorts of fun things and the flocks of seagulls makes it feel like a beach. Bring a sleeping bag and carve out a trash den, then spend your time looking around for hidden treasure and mafia body dumps. The authorities might not approve of your vacation lodgings, but since you put all that effort into creating the garbage, you should be able to reap the rewards!

 

Visit someone else’s family:

Lots of people can claim that they visit their family over the holidays, but not many can claim they visit someone else’s family. The trick is convincing the family that you are a distant relative. Travel to a city, find a random home and announce that you’re cousin Joe’s second cousin. Every family has a cousin Joe. Then you can take part in all the family bonding with none of the drama of your own screwed up family. There might be a risk of them realizing you aren’t actually related, but that just adds to the adventure.

 

Get injured:

Most people would never even think of purposely injuring themselves to spend their vacation in the hospital, but you’re not most people. Hospitals are like hotels, just with poorer quality food. You can meet interesting people and have plenty of time to just lie back and contemplate the world. If you plan your injury carefully, your medical bill will come out to the same as a nice hotel room and airfare. Just make sure not to do anything that will cause permanent damage. That’s one vacation souvenir you don’t want.

 

Get abducted by aliens:

A UFO is the perfect unique vacation. Most abductees don’t see their experience as a vacation, but there’s nothing more exciting than soaring through outer space, surrounded by unimaginable technology. Sure, you’ll get an anal probe or two, but that’s a small price to be able to see Saturn up close and chat about Star Trek with people who live it every day. You’ll have to convince them not to wipe your memory afterward, or it won’t be much of a vacation. All you have to do is promise to promote alien abduction on your blog.