Where’s My Ass? – tale of a bum rush (A heartbreaking play about a posterior theft)

I just finished writing another play. This one focuses on the heartbreaking saga of a man who has lost his buttocks. It’s called “Where’s My Ass? – tale of a bum rush.” It is the sort of serious and epic play that will have you on the edge of your seat and questioning if your seat is still there.

I’ve decided to make a video trailer for it and post the first segment on my blog.


Where’s My Ass? – tale of a bum rush
By Car Johnson


Mike: A man in his mid to late thirties. He is wearing cowboy pajamas and a large black trench coat to hide his missing ass.

Maria: A woman in her mid to late twenties. She is wearing a white tee-shirt from a local bar called “Ed’s Booze Barn” and purple sweatpants.

Setting: A city sidewalk with a beauty salon called “Ugly Slayers.” There’s a lamppost in the middle of the set, with several posters displaying pictures of asses of varying sizes and the words “Missing” on top of each in bold black letters.

(The scene opens with Maria standing by the lamppost and examining one of the posers.)

(Mike enters stage left, clutching his behind (or where his behind should be.) He walks over to the lamppost and grabs Maria by the shoulders. )

Mike: My ass, my ass has gone missing!

Maria: Dear sir, please unhand me.

Mike: (*lets her go*) My buttocks has vanished! Whatever shall I do?

Maria: To lose an ass, such a dire prospect. I’ve met several men and women suffering from rump removal. I feel for you sir, I really do.

Mike: (*puts a hand to his head*) It was here last night. I felt in underneath me, warm and cushiony as I bedded down for the evening. But when I woke this morning, there was nothing there but flat padding free skin.

Maria: It is tragic, to lose one’s means of expelling excess gas and solid food waste. But alas, that is the price of living in an ass vanishing world.

Mike: I don’t want to live in an ass vanishing world. I want a world where our behinds are safe, safe from want and safe from those who would snatch them away!

Maria: (*grabs Mike’s hand*) Do not fret, assless one. I cannot stand to see someone mourn the loss of their derriere. My mother lost hers and I had to watch her wither away to nothing, repeating “My ass” over and over again while refusing food and drink. (*smiles*) I will help you, my dear sir.

Mike: Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you!

Maria: It’s nothing. If I can return one person’s ass to them, mama’s death will not be in vain.

Mike: It’s people like you who make this dark and ass absconding world a little less grim.

Maria: (*nods*) Now, before we start on our ass finding journey, let’s introduce ourselves. My name is Maria Bumsearcher. What’s yours?

Mike: Mike Cheekloss. It’s a pleasure, Miss Bumsearcher.

Maria: Likewise. (*pauses*) Now, first we need to figure out who took your ass. I’ve become a student of ass absentia since my mother died and know that there are two groups of ass bandits. One group is called the Cheek Chuckers and the other the Bum Rushers. Each have their own facilities and rump storage units.

Mike: How will we figure it out?

Maria: (*smiles*) Simple. We visit Agatha, the oracle of ass.


The tale continues as Mike and Maria’s adventures take them into the dark underbelly of organized ass stealing and counterfeit bums. They search for what was lost and trying to bring justice to an assless world, hoping not only reunite Mike with his posterior but stop the ass thieves once and for all.





It’s Read an Ebook Week! Let’s do this humor style!

It’s Read an Ebook Week, that magical week of March 2-8, where people head to the ebook orchards and pick the ripest ones they can find. Some are free, some are on sale and all are ebooks. (If they weren’t, Read an Ebook Week would be a strange title.)

Since I’m a character in a humor book, I thought I’d highlight some humor ebooks participating in Read and Ebook Week. If you want to search around yourself, here’s the full list of humor books. http://www.smashwords.com/books/category/882/newest/1

Now here’s my sort of random list of humor ebooks that are either free or on sale during Read an Ebook Week:

Invasion of the Eyeball Sucker by Linda Hull:

Epic spider battles are all the rage. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/89042

Penniless Hearts by Eve Gaal:

Hawaii, romance and drunken hula dancers. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/334598

The Life and Times of Car Johnson by R Webb: (This is the novel I live in.)

A safe alternative to an acid trip. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/79657

News Muse: Humorous Poems Inspired by Strange News by Vala Hafstad:

The title says it all. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/407612

Drunk Olympics by Justin Langer:

Someone else thinks beer and Olympics mix! http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/394587

Other People’s Sh**

Infected people turning into clowns (yes, clowns) instead of zombies. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/410199

Walt vs the Space Flunkies by Glen Solosky:

Hillbilly vs. aliens. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/385434

The Accidental Prophetess by Michelle Lam

Get kidnapped, save the world. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/397016

The Chronic Misadventures of Count Meinrard, the Deadliest Man Online by Robert Traynor:

A man who thinks he’s all that and a bag of chips, but he isn’t even a bag of chips. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/413429

The Mystery of the Missing Taxicabs by Elizabeth Bent:

Super spies and the evil plot to deprive the world of taxi service. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/394653

The Doodleburghs by Brett Hoover:

The family that creates havoc together stays together. http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/414323

(Make sure you use the coupon codes listed under the buy buttons. Some will be for 100% discount and some will be for 50% or 75%. Some of the books listed are always free and so will not have coupon codes.)

I hope I’ve given enough to scratch your humor itch, to get your humor fix, to pack your humor wound. Until next time, remember:

Feed a humor, starve a cold!


The Story of Chaos – An insane challenge

Rebekah, the wizard behind the curtain at this blog, has started a new blog, The Story of Chaos. The Story of Chaos is an interactive fiction writing challenge, where Rebekah will post an ongoing story, while encouraging her readers to post in the comments what happens next.

Here’s more info:

The Story of Chaos is a challenge, where you help write the story. Part choose your own adventure, part tale, you will have your chance at the end to decide what happens next. The challenge will be mine, to try and make the story as serious as possible, while encouraging you to post the most ridiculous choices you can think of. Have the character attacked by alien or discover his long lost twin in the form of a talking flea.

Just make sure that you only post what happens immediately next.




Suddenly Billy found that his arm had turned into a rope.


Suddenly Billy found that his arm had turned into a rope that spoke to him about how much danger he was in from the clown warriors that were about to invade and steal his soul in an empty jar of seltzer.


And make sure the action is something the character can react to and not a decision.




Billy found himself attacked by the purple dog.


Billy bopped the purple dog on the head and called it a Momma’s Boy.


That’s it. Have fun, go wild and laugh at my struggle to make it serious. (Well, there will be some humor, but only because you can’t have a serious story without it. Actually you can, but it would be pretty dull.)