Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Star Search Wars


Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Star Search Wars

 

Cast

Ed McMahon – John Stamos

Han Solo – Justin Timberlake

Leia Organa – Miley Cyrus

Kylo Ren – Justin Bieber

Warning! A few major spoilers for the real movie below.

Everyone’s reviewing the new Star Wars movie, but no one’s reviewing the lesser known entry into the franchise (most likely because it doesn’t exist), a fun musical romp about a televised musical competition in a galaxy far, far away. It takes the characters from Star Wars and gives them to actors who are able to bring forth a side we’ve never been allowed to see of them before: that of pop-stars.

The story follows Han, Leia and their son, Ben, who travel the galaxy after the fall of the Empire as a musical group called Who Shot First? After spending some time getting trained by his uncle Luke to use the force as auto-tune, Ben decides to betray the family band and start his own solo career under the name Kylo Ren.

After that, Luke moves to a remote planet and became a crazy cat Jedi, while Kylo Ren tops the charts with his song, “Vader Swish,” a touching tribute to his grandfather and his awesome choice in capes. Leia and Han attempt to keep the original group together, but they eventually leave the music business behind and return to the dull worlds of resistance fighters and smugglers.

Several years later, Ed McMahon calls them all together as judges for the new season of the galactic broadcast of Star Search, a show where contestants sing, dance, or juggle light sabers to win a prize of 10,000 space pounds, which is actually quite a lot of money since the quantum franc collapsed.

Tensions run high when they all get together for filming the first episide and Kylo Ren challenges his parents to a sing off on live television. This results in a fierce song and dance battle, with plenty of smoke machines and pyrotechnics, as each person sings their heart out. Quite literally for Han, who has a heart attack and falls from the stage.

The movie ends with the canceling of the rest of the season of Star Search and having it replaced with a game show called ‘What’s my Wookiee Anyway?’ where contestants have to perform improv to entertain their wookiee host, or risk having their arms ripped from their sockets.

If you want to know what this movie would be like if it were real, find old clips online of Star Search and watch them on your phone while viewing The Force Awakens in the theater.

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Advice Column Where I Give Myself Advice


I’ve decided to start an advice column, but as I do not have any letters from people asking advice, I am going to write letters to myself and answer with the advice I think I need.

Dear Car,
Have I told you how awesome I think you are? Well, I’ve had a bit of a rough day. The other day, I managed to get drunk enough to dress in a neighbor’s shower curtain and run around town claiming to be Scrubitus, the Greek god of bathing.

As Scrubitus, I pelted random people with bars of soap, while screaming at them to bow down to my awesome might and spring fresh scent. When they refused to comply, I attacked them with a loofah on a stick.

Needless to say, quite a few people were not pleased with my antics and I have yet another court date to prepare for. Is this a sign I should cut back on the booze and stay away from shower curtains?

Sincerely,
Car

Dear Car,
First of all, thanks for the compliment. And to answer your question:

Absolutely not! If anything, you need to drink more! The world needs you and your antics, whether they realize it or not. And did you know that the more people seem displeased at something, the more they love it? People tend to have a hard time accepting nice things and so try and act like they don’t want them. And a pseudo Greek god sporting soap is one of the nicest things anyone can get.

So, gather all the shower curtains you can find and load up on beer, whiskey, and homemade fermented candy corn wine. The world needs Scrubitus! The world needs you!

 

 

I hope you enjoyed reading my first attempt at an advice column and I hope I will take my advice.

5 things that happen when you give up bathing


I’ve always found bathing to be a bit wimpy. In my opinion, if you’re tough enough, you don’t need to rely on frilly things like soap and shampoo. So, I made this post to show everyone the joys of shunning the shower.

5 things that happen when you give up bathing

Day 1 – You start to have a very interesting odor. This scent is a delightful mix of dirt and sweat, with a possible hint of food if you happen to be a messy eater.

Day 3 – Your skin starts to take on a healthy gray sheen. If you shamble and mutter “Brains” every once in a while, people might think you’re a zombie and rush away, allowing you access to the front of all sorts of lines and queues.

Day 10 – Your hair loses that annoying frizz and flattens to your head with sweat and grease. This will allow you to have hair that’s flattened to your head with sweat and grease.

Day 25 – A strong force field forms around you that causes other people to move out of the way when you walk down the street.

Day 100 – You gain your own army of lice and house flies, to command as you will. Use this power wisely.

Taking bites of other people’s food for fun and profit


Carburgerbite  I’ve decided to become a food tester. By that I don’t mean someone who works at a company, tasting their new products. I mean I want to start a service for people where I take a bite of their meal to see if the taste is adequate.

This will be greatly benefit society, as many people are fraught with the pain of buying a meal and being disappointed in its flavor. Maybe the burger at that fast food joint was sitting out for a little too long or that new sushi place’s special sauce turned out not to be as special as advertised.

That’s where I come in. I’ll hire myself out to sit next to a person when they’re at a restaurant, with my own special set of utensils. Anytime a new piece of food hits their plate, I’ll grab a bite and test it. If it’s suitable, I’ll give a thumbs up. If it’s not, I’ll spit the food on the floor to signify my disgust.

I’ll also offer a more personal service, where I follow a person around for a day and taste test everything they put in their mouths during said period. Well, almost everything. It would have to be limited to food and beverage. Anything else might end up violating several laws.

To advertise my new job, I went down to the local mall’s food court to give out some free samples. It didn’t go over so well, even after I explained what my aim was. Turns out people don’t like random strangers grabbing their food and taking bites.

I switched tactics and started asking, “Can I have a bite of your food to test for flavor?” That didn’t work so well either. I think I might have to rethink my marketing campaign. Maybe I rent some billboard space with a picture of me biting into a sandwich and the words, “Car Johnson – Food Tester.”

I’m also thinking of a slogan. Either, “Never be assaulted by flavorsuckitis again,” or “Let Car take a bite out of bad tasting food.”

What do you think my slogan should be?

Blott-Os – The new beer flavored cereal


Remember back when you were a child and you poured sugary cereal into a bowl, as your cavity filled mouth watered in anticipation while your sister tried to murder you with a plastic spork? Well, not the plastic spork thing. That’s a special moment between my sister and myself.

Sugary cereal is a wonderful childhood memory, from carefully picking out the marshmallows from the boring cereal bits, to watching your milk turn brown. And who can forget the prize inside? A plastic toy that was always at the bottom, tempting you to dig your fingers down into the box to try and pry it free. (Strange that I never thought to simply open the box at the opposite end and cut the plastic bag protecting the cereal with scissors. Then again, where would the fun be in that?)

Now, as an adult, I ask you this:

Why should kids have all the fun? Adults need a little bit of breakfast related excitement. And I’m not talking about a quickie on the kitchen counter, though that is pretty entertaining. I’m talking about a breakfast cereal for the young at heart, but made with adults in mind.

So, I’ve come up with a cereal that harkens back to those halcyon days of youth, but with an adult kick. And what do adults turn to when they want to feel that warm glow they used to get from their parents hugs, or the excitement that that once came from cartoons and plastic dinosaurs?

Why alcohol, of course. The only thing that can warm you up and liven your day, plus make peeing in random places around town both a necessity and a challenge. So, with that in mind, I have created a new cereal.

I call them Blott-Os.

Blott-Os

They’re little keg shaped crisps with a beer flavored alcohol saturated syrup in the center. I know, calling them Os is not exactly accurate, but I think that fully encapsulates the essence of alcohol. Booze is so cool, it doesn’t have to make sense.

Each box of Blott-Os will come with a prize inside. For the first prize, I’ve decided on a little rubber man who urinates when you submerge him in water and then squeeze, like a rubber ducky, but less suitable for children.

Imagine, eagerly pouring cereal into your bowl and chowing down, while your milks turns yellow. Then drinking from the bowl as you let the alcohol bring a glow to your day, whether you’re heading off to work or sprawling in front of the TV in your pajamas like you did as a child. Though, try not to wear your pajamas to work, especially if you sleep in the nude. Your boss won’t be pleased.

Now, I just have to find a way to start production of Blott-Os. So far, the only plan I have is a pile of hastily scrawled notes on random napkins from a late night drinking binge. But I’m not worried. That’s how all my ideas take shape.

I have a six pack of beer, an internet recipe for cereal and a squeeze bottle of maple syrup. As soon as I figure a way how to turn those things into tiny kegs, Blott-Os will be good to go. Wish me luck!

Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date


There’s many pitfalls to getting through that first date. How do you make sure you don’t make a fool of yourself or cause your date to throw you through a plate glass window? Well, let my handy list tell you what you need to know!

Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date:

  1. Tell your date they have a small round bug on their face and then attempt to pull it off. It’s probably a mole.
  2. Say, “I just met you but I’m not much for the dating scene. Can we just do it under the table?”
  3. Pull out a spork with a tiny wig glued to the top and say, “This is my best friend Sporky. He goes everywhere with me.”
  4. Compliment your date with, “You’re a real freak, but I’m desperate.”
  5. Pull out two masks and ask them if they want to help you rob the restaurant you’re heading to.
  6. Go to the local garbage dump and show your date how to search for “Trash Mushrooms.”
  7. Ask, “How much do you charge an hour?” This is a date. Dates are free.
  8. Bring your mother along. Yes, she might enjoy the opera, but it’ll be hard to interact with your date with her sitting between you.
  9. When the date ends, ask “How about a goodnight blowjob?” No. First dates are kisses.
  10. Grab someone off the street and drive them to the movies. That is not a date. That is kidnapping.

Review of a Movie That Doesn’t Exist – 50 Shades of Avengers


Okay, it’s that time again, when I review a movie that only exists in my mind.

50 Shades of Avengers

Characters

Anatasia – Lily Tomlin

Bruce Banner – Michael Caine

The movie follows a woman named Anastasia who enters into a steamy relationship of bondage with the Bruce Banner, aka The Incredible Hulk, who runs a successful company called Giant Green Guy Enterprises.

Whenever Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into a huge green colored BDSM enthusiast. This causes him to be kicked out of the Avengers Initiative for his repeated attempts to handcuff Tony Stark and Natasha Romanoff together.

He then starts his own business using his scientific knowledge to invent a genetically modified carrot that tastes like a chocolate milkshake. It’s a success and he uses this money to buy dozens of helicopters he can smash together.

One day, a woman named Anastasia decides to interview him, not for any sort of paper, but because she’s kind of odd and enjoys asking famous people random questions. She shows up at his office and starts asking questions like, “If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?” and “What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

Bruce gets angry and becomes the Hulk, then proceeds to chase her around town, throwing cars at her back before he handcuffs her to the top of a skyscraper. Surprisingly, she finds this romantic and gives him her number. I won’t spoil the ending for you, but it involves two tanks, fifteen yards of steel cable and a deflated bouncy castle.

All in all, I think 50 Shades of Avengers was a heartwarming tale of badly researched BDSM and humongous angry green guys. Unfortunately, you will not be able to watch it, as it doesn’t exist. But you can get drunk and binge watch Avengers movies while reading 50 Shades of Grey.

What Do Beer, Stalkers and Diamonds Have in Common? The Best Greeting Cards in the World!


I’ve decided to go into the greeting card business. So many people buy greeting cards, so this should be like grabbing handfuls of cash out of people’s hands, without the hassle of being chased down by police.

And my cards are not going to be that cheesy Hallmark crap. They’re going to be honest and so filled with emotion that they’ll drip emotion from their very ink. Not literally of course. Soggy cards aren’t much fun.

First up is a birthday card for those moments in your life when you had a tad too much to drink and may have ruined your friend or loved one’s celebration.

Front

I'm sorry I got drunk

Inside

And peed on your birthday cake.

The next one is a romantic card that shows how the illness of love is a good kind of sick.

Font

Your love infected me like anthrax

Inside

But without the fever and bloody diahrrea

The next card is for when your relationship isn’t going the way you had hoped.

Front

I could say how much I love you...

Inside

But that would be a lie. Welcome to Splitsville, population you.

The next card is written for all those stalkers out there. I figure they’re a large untapped market.

Front

Thinking of you

Inside

While I carefully rub your photo between my fingers.

This next card was written with my mother in mind. It’s one of her favorite sayings when she learns someone is expecting.

Front

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Inside

Whew. I just thought you were getting fat.

I wrote this last card while drunker than normal, but I still think it turned out okay.

Friends are like diamonds.

Inside

They're bits of compressed carbon. Wait, that's not quite right. Well, friends are like someting.

So, there you have it. Six of the most special, most emotional, most extraordinary cards that have ever been dreamed up after three bottles of beer and a Jello shot of vodka. I’m going to start selling them door to door, though not in my own neighborhood.

People got a little wary of me knocking on their door after my attempt to sell nature scented air freshener. People are more interested in the plant scents of nature and not the animals themselves. No amount of spraying in their face could convince them otherwise.

The Johnson Family Coat of Arms, or Why You Can Never Have Too Many Marmosets


My family is not what you would call conventional. We don’t just dance to the beat of our own drummer, the drummer is actually a mime playing a kazoo. Johnsons do what they want, when they want, how they want. Well, at least until we come to grave bodily harm or incarceration. But loss of limb or liberty is a small price to pay for showing the world the joys of lion wrangling or the evils of carousel operators. And there’s nothing more satisfying than saying what you really think at a bar and reveling in that sweet moment before a beer bottle comes hurtling towards your head.

So, my family created their own coat of arms that doesn’t follow all the silly rules and traditions foisted on other people, people who aren’t us. This allowed us the make a coat of arms that really screams Johnson, sometimes literally with a well placed sound device.

The Johnson family coat of arms is a tongue licking a moss covered rock and a duck with the body of a bowl of salad. Those symbolize our adventurous nature and… no one knows quite what the deal with the duck is. The designer may have been drunk, which is another joy us Johnsons are known to delight in.

There’s a pair of crossed eyes at the top to show that we’re always watching, watching so hard that our eyes will go wonky. The bottom shows our family motto, “More Marmosets Please.” That came from a time when a Johnson family ancestor was given a marmoset for a gift and kept demanding more. It’s a lesson that any time you receive generosity, you should push and push and drain that resource dry. You don’t have to say please, but please sounded better in the motto.

We have another motto, which didn’t make the coat of arms. That one is, “Whatever our opinion is, think the opposite.” It was mandated by ancient court order and no self respecting Johnson uses it in current times. My opinions are gold and you should all follow them to the letter. Especially the one about wrangling lions. I haven’t tried it yet, but it sure sounds like fun.