Taking bites of other people’s food for fun and profit

  I’ve decided to become a food tester. By that I don’t mean someone who works at a company, tasting their new products. I mean I want to start a service for people where I take a bite of their meal to see if the taste is adequate.

This will be greatly benefit society, as many people are fraught with the pain of buying a meal and being disappointed in its flavor. Maybe the burger at that fast food joint was sitting out for a little too long or that new sushi place’s special sauce turned out not to be as special as advertised.

That’s where I come in. I’ll hire myself out to sit next to a person when they’re at a restaurant, with my own special set of utensils. Anytime a new piece of food hits their plate, I’ll grab a bite and test it. If it’s suitable, I’ll give a thumbs up. If it’s not, I’ll spit the food on the floor to signify my disgust.

I’ll also offer a more personal service, where I follow a person around for a day and taste test everything they put in their mouths during said period. Well, almost everything. It would have to be limited to food and beverage. Anything else might end up violating several laws.

To advertise my new job, I went down to the local mall’s food court to give out some free samples. It didn’t go over so well, even after I explained what my aim was. Turns out people don’t like random strangers grabbing their food and taking bites.

I switched tactics and started asking, “Can I have a bite of your food to test for flavor?” That didn’t work so well either. I think I might have to rethink my marketing campaign. Maybe I rent some billboard space with a picture of me biting into a sandwich and the words, “Car Johnson – Food Tester.”

I’m also thinking of a slogan. Either, “Never be assaulted by flavorsuckitis again,” or “Let Car take a bite out of bad tasting food.”

What do you think my slogan should be?

Blott-Os – The new beer flavored cereal

Remember back when you were a child and you poured sugary cereal into a bowl, as your cavity filled mouth watered in anticipation while your sister tried to murder you with a plastic spork? Well, not the plastic spork thing. That’s a special moment between my sister and myself.

Sugary cereal is a wonderful childhood memory, from carefully picking out the marshmallows from the boring cereal bits, to watching your milk turn brown. And who can forget the prize inside? A plastic toy that was always at the bottom, tempting you to dig your fingers down into the box to try and pry it free. (Strange that I never thought to simply open the box at the opposite end and cut the plastic bag protecting the cereal with scissors. Then again, where would the fun be in that?)

Now, as an adult, I ask you this:

Why should kids have all the fun? Adults need a little bit of breakfast related excitement. And I’m not talking about a quickie on the kitchen counter, though that is pretty entertaining. I’m talking about a breakfast cereal for the young at heart, but made with adults in mind.

So, I’ve come up with a cereal that harkens back to those halcyon days of youth, but with an adult kick. And what do adults turn to when they want to feel that warm glow they used to get from their parents hugs, or the excitement that that once came from cartoons and plastic dinosaurs?

Why alcohol, of course. The only thing that can warm you up and liven your day, plus make peeing in random places around town both a necessity and a challenge. So, with that in mind, I have created a new cereal.

I call them Blott-Os.

They’re little keg shaped crisps with a beer flavored alcohol saturated syrup in the center. I know, calling them Os is not exactly accurate, but I think that fully encapsulates the essence of alcohol. Booze is so cool, it doesn’t have to make sense.

Each box of Blott-Os will come with a prize inside. For the first prize, I’ve decided on a little rubber man who urinates when you submerge him in water and then squeeze, like a rubber ducky, but less suitable for children.

Imagine, eagerly pouring cereal into your bowl and chowing down, while your milks turns yellow. Then drinking from the bowl as you let the alcohol bring a glow to your day, whether you’re heading off to work or sprawling in front of the TV in your pajamas like you did as a child. Though, try not to wear your pajamas to work, especially if you sleep in the nude. Your boss won’t be pleased.

Now, I just have to find a way to start production of Blott-Os. So far, the only plan I have is a pile of hastily scrawled notes on random napkins from a late night drinking binge. But I’m not worried. That’s how all my ideas take shape.

I have a six pack of beer, an internet recipe for cereal and a squeeze bottle of maple syrup. As soon as I figure a way how to turn those things into tiny kegs, Blott-Os will be good to go. Wish me luck!

Mr. Squish – The best gum in the world (Unless someone makes gum with money inside)

Everyone likes gum, except maybe people who have a fear of chewing, but then they’d also dislike any type of non-liquid food. (They wouldn’t be too keen on stew, though. You pretty much have to chew stew.) But everyone else likes gum.

Gum is like candy that you spit out after you’ve chewed the flavor away. You can blow spit into it and make a bubble that bursts over your lips and face. Or, if you’re trying to blow a bubble with regular chewing gum, accidentally send the wad out of your mouth like a waxy projectile.

It sticks to everything like glue but is more fun to eat than paste. You can even play with a chewed piece like Silly Putty, although most people seem to find that inappropriate for some reason. Gum is absolutely perfect, a tiny stick or ball of delight that fits in your pocket.

People say you can’t improve on perfection, but I’m always willing to try, which is why I’ve developed a revolutionary new type of gum. I call it Mr. Squish.

Mr. Squish is a grape flavored gum with an edible center. Unlike similar gums, the center isn’t candy. Candy has been done to death. (And I don’t mean my fiancé Candy. She’ll never get old.) The center of each Mr. Squish gum is liver.

Yes, liver. That delicious iron rich meal served with onions. You’ve had it on a plate and now you can have it in your gum. Chewing Mr. Squish is like biting into a surprise, a good surprise like opening the mail and finding that erotic soap you ordered and not a bad surprise like opening your shower and finding a dead skunk.

Children’s eyes will well up with delight when they bite into a Mr. Squish gum ball. Adults will shout with joy when they have their first taste of livery goodness. The world will be a nicer place for having Mr. Squish in it. See, I’m not just inventing a new type of gum. I’m changing the world.

Quick recipe for moochers

Here’s a nice and easy recipe for moochers.

Quick Recipe for Moochers

 

Ingredients –

1 home of a close friend or relative

1 hug per member of household

1 kitchen

1 sad face

2 hands

 

Directions

Head over to the home of your chosen close friends or relatives. Say, “Surprise!” and “Miss me?” then precede to parcel out hugs to each person. Continue to make conversation while slowly making your way into the kitchen.

Put on sad face and let marinate for a few minutes before heading for the refrigerator. The sad face will elicit the sympathy needed to allow access to the food within. Finally, use two hands to grab some food and prepare it in whatever way you prefer.

Food selection will vary by availability and season.

 

 

Recipe: Lemonade Beanmallow Casserole

Here’s a recipe that my mother invented after wanting to combine dinner with dessert and a drink. The only way I can describe this wonderful masterpiece is that it’s like a bean burrito, a marshmallow pie and a glass of lemonade broke into your mouth and trashed the place like drunken hockey players.

Most people seem to think my mother’s cooking is a little “odd,” but that’s just because they’re still stuck in culinary shackles that puts flavors and ingredients into neat little boxes. Be brave and allow yourself to experience the joy of Lemonade Beanmallow Casserole.

Lemonade Beanmallow Casserole

1 can of re-fried beans

1 can of salsa

2 cups of marshmallow fluff

1 package of lemonade powder

1 cup water

 

Directions:

Mix beans, salsa and marshmallow fluff in a microwave safe bowl. Microwave covered for five minutes. Add lemonade powder and water, then stir briskly for one minute. Serve in a bowl.

This hearty meal will be the highlight of any dinner, at least it is whenever Mother serves it during family get-togethers. Try it out and I’m sure you won’t be disappointed!

You will never look at candy the same way again.

I’ve long harbored suspicions that candy is not as sweet and innocent as it would lead us to believe. That’s why I did some investigative journalism on the secret lives of sugary treats. At first, I couldn’t find any proof, no matter how many times I interrogated candy bars, or threatened their pinata informants at my young cousin’s birthday parties. I even camped out in the candy section of the grocery store to attempt to catch them off guard.

Just when I was about to give up, I received shocking photos from an anonymous source. These photos are proof that candy is up to no good. The photos only show marshmallow bunnies and chocolate, but I am sure that this applies to all candy. Hopefully my source will provide me with a larger variety of candy secrets in the future.

Here are the photos. Be warned, you will never look at candy the same way again.

How chocolate is really made.

Candy bunnies have the same needs as regular bunnies.

A rare shot of candy birth.

Marshmallow bunny indulging in his own chocolate waste.

They also eat their own kind!

So there you have it. Candy is not a foodstuff, but a group of sentient cannibalistic creatures that are no doubt plotting our demise. They are a sugar coated lie, one that we swallow down with a smile on our faces. Except for chocolate. Chocolate is just candy poop and poop doesn’t have a mind of its own.

There is only one thing we can do:

Eat more candy. Candy can’t plot anything if it’s dissolved with stomach acid. Their whole scheme rests on us hording them in pillowcases on Halloween or baskets on Easter. The moment you get your hands on candy, eat it! The only good candy is an eaten candy and we should not rest until all candy is devoured on sight.

Health Grannie Attacks!!!!!!!!

I recently posted a story about a health genie grandma who forced kids to eat healthy. I’ve decided to turn her into a mascot for parents to use when their kids refuse to eat their vegetables, or shun their casserole.  Introducing:

The Health Grannie!

Eat healthy, boys and girls. You wouldn’t want to make the Health Grannie mad, would you?

Doesn’t she just inspire you? I’m sure kids will look at this picture and dream of her chasing them with a tray full of carrots. I bet the little tykes will never put another pea or piece of liver under their napkin again.

How To Bake a Cake In Twenty Five Easy Steps – For The Baking Challenged

I’ve developed a guide on preparing dessert for those of us who are “baking challenged.”

 

1. Get baking mix from shelf.
2. Clean up baking mix and get second box that wasn’t already opened.
3. Open box with trusty pocket knife.
4. Clean wound created by trusty pocket knife.
5. Pour contents of box into bowl.
6. Add egg to bowl.
7. Take egg out and crack it, then re-add to bowl
8. Pick shell fragments from bowl.
9. Search for spoon in cabinet, find out all spoons are used.
10. Take dirty spoon from sink and hope no one notices.
11. Mix content in bowl until your hand feels like you hit it repeatedly against a wall.
12. Get out electric mixer.
13. Spend ten minutes untangling clothing from electric mixer.
14. Go back to using spoon.
15. Pour batter into cake pan.
16. Remember you were supposed to grease pan.
17. Try to move batter with spoon and spray cooking spray underneath.
18. End up with batter swimming in grease.
19. Remember to pre-heat oven and wait, while batter soaks up even more grease.
20. Put pan in oven.
21. Wait.
22. Wait too long.
23. Turn off oven and open windows to let smoke out.
24. Take out greasy, burned cake and throw away.
25. Serve doughnuts instead.

Mother’s Recipe for Chocolate Oyster Milkshakes

Mother always loved making milkshakes, but she hated how boring they turned out. Here’s one of her famous recipes that turns the flavors of oyster and chocolate milkshake into a savory treat that will make your head melt (in a good way, unless you don’t enjoy the flavor of oysters and chocolate milkshake together.)

Chocolate Oyster Milkshakes

1 can steamed oysters

1 1/2 cups chocolate ice cream

2 cups milk

Blend oysters in heavy duty blender until thoroughly minced. Add ice cream and milk to blended oyster and blend again until smooth and oyster pieces are evenly distributed throughout mixture. Serve right away in chilled glasses or over ice.

If you find that you do not care for chocolate milkshakes with oyster mixed in, then serve any remaining leftovers to your cat. If you don’t have a cat, box up the remaining leftovers and mail them to a friend. Everyone appreciates a little milkshake in the mail.

Odd Candies You’re Sure to Love

My mother’s unique cooking has given me a taste for life’s unusual foods. Today, I’d like to talk about some of the unique candies I’ve found over the years. Each candy makes me think of mother and fills my heart with warm memories. I’ve never actually tried any of these, but they sound terrific.

1. Hotlix Butterfly Flower Candy

This candy reminds me of mother’s candied moth bites. It also reminds me of my ex-girlfriend who thought she was a butterfly, but Candy (my fiance) doesn’t appreciate me being reminded of past girlfriends, so I won’t go too much into that.

From what I can tell, there are no actual butterflies in the candy, just a regular worm and flowers. Still, worms are filled with wormy goodness and these candies are far prettier than my mother’s chocolate worm cupcakes. Sorry, Mother. 😦

2. Accoutrements Chum Bucket Candy

Candy that tastes like fish guts? Count me in! The site says they taste disgusting, but I remember mother’s fish gut cakes and they were anything but disgusting.

Mother made us these cakes every birthday. The were just plain chocolate cake with a gooey fish gut center. Mother always told us that if we ate enough fish guts, we’d be able to read the thoughts of underwater creatures. I’m still trying to gain that ability.

3. Pit’r Pat Liver Flavored Cat Breath Fresheners

I know it says that these are for cats, but why should felines have all the fun? If mother ever stopped making her liver suckers, I’d snap these up in a heartbeat.

Liver suckers are like eating liver and onions, just without the onion. Mother loves giving them out as Christmas stocking stuffers.

4. Mo’s Bacon Bar

This is a candy bar you can eat at breakfast with a side of eggs. Mother makes some mean steak tartar chocolate balls, but this is as close as you can get, at least until mother starts selling her creations.

5. Sapporo Beer Drops

My mother never made beer flavored candy, but I tried to once. All I ended up doing was nearly burning my house. You see, I’m not really good at cooking. Word to the wise –

Never use lighter fluid on your range top.