Blott-Os – The new beer flavored cereal

Remember back when you were a child and you poured sugary cereal into a bowl, as your cavity filled mouth watered in anticipation while your sister tried to murder you with a plastic spork? Well, not the plastic spork thing. That’s a special moment between my sister and myself.

Sugary cereal is a wonderful childhood memory, from carefully picking out the marshmallows from the boring cereal bits, to watching your milk turn brown. And who can forget the prize inside? A plastic toy that was always at the bottom, tempting you to dig your fingers down into the box to try and pry it free. (Strange that I never thought to simply open the box at the opposite end and cut the plastic bag protecting the cereal with scissors. Then again, where would the fun be in that?)

Now, as an adult, I ask you this:

Why should kids have all the fun? Adults need a little bit of breakfast related excitement. And I’m not talking about a quickie on the kitchen counter, though that is pretty entertaining. I’m talking about a breakfast cereal for the young at heart, but made with adults in mind.

So, I’ve come up with a cereal that harkens back to those halcyon days of youth, but with an adult kick. And what do adults turn to when they want to feel that warm glow they used to get from their parents hugs, or the excitement that that once came from cartoons and plastic dinosaurs?

Why alcohol, of course. The only thing that can warm you up and liven your day, plus make peeing in random places around town both a necessity and a challenge. So, with that in mind, I have created a new cereal.

I call them Blott-Os.

They’re little keg shaped crisps with a beer flavored alcohol saturated syrup in the center. I know, calling them Os is not exactly accurate, but I think that fully encapsulates the essence of alcohol. Booze is so cool, it doesn’t have to make sense.

Each box of Blott-Os will come with a prize inside. For the first prize, I’ve decided on a little rubber man who urinates when you submerge him in water and then squeeze, like a rubber ducky, but less suitable for children.

Imagine, eagerly pouring cereal into your bowl and chowing down, while your milks turns yellow. Then drinking from the bowl as you let the alcohol bring a glow to your day, whether you’re heading off to work or sprawling in front of the TV in your pajamas like you did as a child. Though, try not to wear your pajamas to work, especially if you sleep in the nude. Your boss won’t be pleased.

Now, I just have to find a way to start production of Blott-Os. So far, the only plan I have is a pile of hastily scrawled notes on random napkins from a late night drinking binge. But I’m not worried. That’s how all my ideas take shape.

I have a six pack of beer, an internet recipe for cereal and a squeeze bottle of maple syrup. As soon as I figure a way how to turn those things into tiny kegs, Blott-Os will be good to go. Wish me luck!

A step by step guide to the most awesome Halloween costume ever

It’s October, which means Halloween and my cousin Mike’s parole date are coming up. But you’re probably only interested in Halloween. So, I’m going to show you how to create the most awesome costume to ever exist.

The Candy Commando

First let me tell you about the Candy Commando. He’s the world’s best defense against the candy menace. The Candy Commando fights the good fight against the rise of candy domination by devouring all candy he comes across on sight. He is the sugar coated hero we should all aim to be.

The Candy Commando only exists in my mind so far, but I plan to turn him into a character for a series of P.S.A.s about the secret plots of candykind.

Step by step guide to the perfect Candy Commando costume

1. Make a wreath of candy wrappers and mini boxes of gum drops. You can attach them together with a hot glue gun, but don’t try to wear it and make it at the same time. It might be quicker that way, but hot glue burns are not fun.
2. Using the same glue gun, attach candy wrappers to an old pair of pants and tee-shirt. Resist the urge to use the fancy suit you borrowed from that friend you got into a fight with last Tuesday. The fight will blow over, but not if you mangle their best piece of clothing.
3. Get two candy display boxes grocery stores stick at the end of check out lines and craft them into shoes. Be careful that there is not any candy left in the boxes when you take them, or you could end up busted for shoplifting.
4. Use spirit gum to attach blue candy to your face in an approximation of the warpaint from the movie Braveheart. There’s no need to add a kilt, though.
5. Smear a costume gun with glue and then cover it with rainbow and chocolate sprinkles until every inch is coated. Refrain from trying to bite your gun, as glue is not a tasty addition to sugary sprinkles.
6. Now that your costume is complete, head out into your neighborhood and shout “I am the Candy Commando! I devour candy on sight!” while grabbing candy from random strangers and running away. Make sure you run fast, as most people don’t take kindly to candy theft, even if it’s just a byproduct of your confection military training.

A Candy Commando costume will allow you to put candy on notice that the world is becoming aware of its sentience and plans for world domination, while giving you an excuse to snatch as much candy as you want without feeling like a thief. It’s for the protection of the world, after all.

 

Drink! the board game (Do not literally drink the board game. It is not liquid.)

I’ve created a new board game, called Drink! It’s a game about drinking, where you move a figure around a board and take a drink whenever you land on a yellow D square. When everyone makes it to the end, they all drink even more. It’s a fun game where everyone wins, because everyone gets to Drink! until they burst.

I conceived, developed and produced Drink! all while drunk. I woke up upside down in the park, with the game board on my laptop and a vague recollection of creating it while dressed only in orange flip flops and my grandfather’s old fedora. I no longer had the flip flops when I woke up.

In keeping with the spirit of booze induced creativity, the rules of Drink! are flexible. You start out with a board and a single die, plus whatever you want to use for pieces. Each person tosses the die and moves that amount, drinking when they land on a D. The rest is up to you. After a few drinks, you might want to add a rule that everyone has to shave part of their body before each move, or that you should smash your heads into the wall after every game. Or you could just decide to get drunk and use the board as a makeshift parachute.

Remember, Drink! is the game where drinking’s the game.*

Drink! the board game (Do not literally drink the board game. It is not liquid.)

*Note: Car is not a real person. Because of that, he can do things that would cause serious injury or police involvement to most other people. If you decide to actually use Car’s board game, there is no guarantee that it will work out in your favor.

 

How Car are you? Take this quiz to find out!

I’ve developed a quiz to let you know just how much of Car Johnson is in you. This will let you find out how much of me you are and if you need to up your Car level. I did this as a service, so that everyone can find out if they have enough me in them, or if they are sorely lacking in their Car quotient. So, you think you have enough of my unique brand of cow fetus loving craziness? Find out!

How Car are you? http://www.allthetests.com/quiz31/quiz/1403222963/How-Car-are-you

 

Saint Patrick’s Day recipe for getting drunk and dry humping statues

My Saint Patrick’s Day recipe:

1. Buy a six-pack of Guinness.
2. Take home.
3. Drink.
4. Dress all in green.
5. Stagger to the local bar.
6. Order a dozen pints of Guinness.
7. Drink them all yourself.
8. Scream “Kiss me, I’m Irish!”
9. Dance on the table and toss paper shamrocks at people’s heads.
10. Get kicked out.
11. Head to another bar.
12. Buy another dozen pints of Guinness.
13. Pretend to offer them to people, but drink them all yourself.
14. Run out into the street and strip down to your green undies.
15. Dry hump a statue.
16. Wrap your arms around a mailbox and shout, “I’m a leprechaun and this is my pot of gold!”
17. Run and hide from the police.
18. Pass out while hiding in the crawl space under a stranger’s house.
19. Wake up and sneak back home.
20. Call in sick to work.
21. Sleep off hangover.

With this recipe, you will have the best St. Patrick’s day ever. Unless you end up arrested or dying from alcohol poisoning. If you end up arrested or dead, please contact me so I can get accurate statistics of the risk rates of my recipe and can warn people accordingly. Contacting me while dead might be a bit of a problem, so I’ll have a Ouija board standing by.