The Johnson Family Coat of Arms, or Why You Can Never Have Too Many Marmosets


My family is not what you would call conventional. We don’t just dance to the beat of our own drummer, the drummer is actually a mime playing a kazoo. Johnsons do what they want, when they want, how they want. Well, at least until we come to grave bodily harm or incarceration. But loss of limb or liberty is a small price to pay for showing the world the joys of lion wrangling or the evils of carousel operators. And there’s nothing more satisfying than saying what you really think at a bar and reveling in that sweet moment before a beer bottle comes hurtling towards your head.

So, my family created their own coat of arms that doesn’t follow all the silly rules and traditions foisted on other people, people who aren’t us. This allowed us the make a coat of arms that really screams Johnson, sometimes literally with a well placed sound device.

The Johnson family coat of arms is a tongue licking a moss covered rock and a duck with the body of a bowl of salad. Those symbolize our adventurous nature and… no one knows quite what the deal with the duck is. The designer may have been drunk, which is another joy us Johnsons are known to delight in.

There’s a pair of crossed eyes at the top to show that we’re always watching, watching so hard that our eyes will go wonky. The bottom shows our family motto, “More Marmosets Please.” That came from a time when a Johnson family ancestor was given a marmoset for a gift and kept demanding more. It’s a lesson that any time you receive generosity, you should push and push and drain that resource dry. You don’t have to say please, but please sounded better in the motto.

We have another motto, which didn’t make the coat of arms. That one is, “Whatever our opinion is, think the opposite.” It was mandated by ancient court order and no self respecting Johnson uses it in current times. My opinions are gold and you should all follow them to the letter. Especially the one about wrangling lions. I haven’t tried it yet, but it sure sounds like fun.

Mr. Squish – The best gum in the world (Unless someone makes gum with money inside)


Everyone likes gum, except maybe people who have a fear of chewing, but then they’d also dislike any type of non-liquid food. (They wouldn’t be too keen on stew, though. You pretty much have to chew stew.) But everyone else likes gum.

Gum is like candy that you spit out after you’ve chewed the flavor away. You can blow spit into it and make a bubble that bursts over your lips and face. Or, if you’re trying to blow a bubble with regular chewing gum, accidentally send the wad out of your mouth like a waxy projectile.

It sticks to everything like glue but is more fun to eat than paste. You can even play with a chewed piece like Silly Putty, although most people seem to find that inappropriate for some reason. Gum is absolutely perfect, a tiny stick or ball of delight that fits in your pocket.

People say you can’t improve on perfection, but I’m always willing to try, which is why I’ve developed a revolutionary new type of gum. I call it Mr. Squish.

Mr. Squish

Mr. Squish is a grape flavored gum with an edible center. Unlike similar gums, the center isn’t candy. Candy has been done to death. (And I don’t mean my fiancé Candy. She’ll never get old.) The center of each Mr. Squish gum is liver.

Yes, liver. That delicious iron rich meal served with onions. You’ve had it on a plate and now you can have it in your gum. Chewing Mr. Squish is like biting into a surprise, a good surprise like opening the mail and finding that erotic soap you ordered and not a bad surprise like opening your shower and finding a dead skunk.

Children’s eyes will well up with delight when they bite into a Mr. Squish gum ball. Adults will shout with joy when they have their first taste of livery goodness. The world will be a nicer place for having Mr. Squish in it. See, I’m not just inventing a new type of gum. I’m changing the world.

A New Year’s Tale


I hope you like this heartwarming tale about ringing in the new year.

A New Year’s Tale

Joey Oldyear sat back in his couch with a glass of wine and thought about how rich and full his life was, how he had witnessed the world and experienced so much. Wait, that was just the alcohol talking. Joey’s life consisted of everything from the past year stuffed inside his head, growing as the year went on. Imagine that, every gust of wind and bawling kid, every high tide and bathroom break. All crowding around his head along with celebrity gossip and world changing events.

Oh and if that wasn’t enough, Joey wasn’t quite a year old and he already looked like he was eighty years old, with a cliche white beard to boot. He remembered when he was Joey Newyear, a fresh faced kid who didn’t mind wearing only a diaper and sash bearing the year. Back then it was cute. Now it just made him look like a creepy pervert.

Being a figurative representation of a unit of time really sucked. You’d think it would be a glamorous job filled with fame and scantily dressed seconds, but it wasn’t. He was relegated to a small room in the back of a hollowed out eon, with only a couch and a hotplate to call his own.

And now an upstart little tyke was sauntering up, rosy faced and clearheaded. He grinned and danced a bit, making giggly baby sounds as he showed off his brand new sash, which wasn’t tattered and stained with chili sauce like Joey’s.

“Hey there,” the kid said. “I’m Matt Newyear!” He giggled again and sat in Joey’s lap. “You must be the old year.” Matt tugged at Joey’s beard. “A really old year.”

“Piss off,” Joey said, shoving the brat off the couch.

“No,” Matt said. “It’s my time now. And that’s my couch.”

“It isn’t yours until midnight in every time zone,” Joey said. “Now go bother someone else.”

“I want to bother you,” Matt said. “I’ve never seen a tired old man before.”

Joey stood up. “I am not old! If I was human, I’d just be learning how to walk!”

“You look old to me.” Matt cocked his head like a puppy. “I doubt you can even hold your bladder.”

“Neither can you, baby new year,” Joey said. Man, he remembered being this annoying when he was a new year, but this was different. This time he was only the receiving end of the cocky new replacement’s sass. Well, he could give as good as he got.

Matt looked down at his diaper. “I… I’m only wearing it for the tradition of it all. I’m quite potty trained.”

“Right,” Joey said. “Sure you are.”

“I am!” Matt said. He shook his head. “Wait, we’re getting off track. Aren’t we supposed to be talking about your frailty and senility?”

“I’m not too frail to take you on,” Joey said. He would have rolled up his sleeves if he had been wearing a shirt. “Come on shorty, let’s rumble.”

“Hold that thought,” Matt said. He looked at his wrist as if he was wearing a watch. “Ten, nine, eight, seven, six – ”

“What the hell are you doing?” Joey asked.

Matt held up his hand. “Three, two one.”

Joey grasped his heart and fell to the ground. Matt stepped over the body and climbed onto the couch. “Happy New Year,” he said with a smirk.

A step by step guide to the most awesome Halloween costume ever


It’s October, which means Halloween and my cousin Mike’s parole date are coming up. But you’re probably only interested in Halloween. So, I’m going to show you how to create the most awesome costume to ever exist.

The Candy Commando

First let me tell you about the Candy Commando. He’s the world’s best defense against the candy menace. The Candy Commando fights the good fight against the rise of candy domination by devouring all candy he comes across on sight. He is the sugar coated hero we should all aim to be.

The Candy Commando only exists in my mind so far, but I plan to turn him into a character for a series of P.S.A.s about the secret plots of candykind.

Step by step guide to the perfect Candy Commando costume

  1. Make a wreath of candy wrappers and mini boxes of gum drops. You can attach them together with a hot glue gun, but don’t try to wear it and make it at the same time. It might be quicker that way, but hot glue burns are not fun.
  2. Using the same glue gun, attach candy wrappers to an old pair of pants and tee-shirt. Resist the urge to use the fancy suit you borrowed from that friend you got into a fight with last Tuesday. The fight will blow over, but not if you mangle their best piece of clothing.
  3. Get two candy display boxes grocery stores stick at the end of check out lines and craft them into shoes. Be careful that there is not any candy left in the boxes when you take them, or you could end up busted for shoplifting.
  4. Use spirit gum to attach blue candy to your face in an approximation of the warpaint from the movie Braveheart. There’s no need to add a kilt, though.
  5. Smear a costume gun with glue and then cover it with rainbow and chocolate sprinkles until every inch is coated. Refrain from trying to bite your gun, as glue is not a tasty addition to sugary sprinkles.
  6. Now that your costume is complete, head out into your neighborhood and shout “I am the Candy Commando! I devour candy on sight!” while grabbing candy from random strangers and running away. Make sure you run fast, as most people don’t take kindly to candy theft, even if it’s just a byproduct of your confection military training.

A Candy Commando costume will allow you to put candy on notice that the world is becoming aware of its sentience and plans for world domination, while giving you an excuse to snatch as much candy as you want without feeling like a thief. It’s for the protection of the world, after all.

 

Quick recipe for moochers


Here’s a nice and easy recipe for moochers.

Quick Recipe for Moochers

 

Ingredients –

1 home of a close friend or relative

1 hug per member of household

1 kitchen

1 sad face

2 hands

 

Directions

Head over to the home of your chosen close friends or relatives. Say, “Surprise!” and “Miss me?” then precede to parcel out hugs to each person. Continue to make conversation while slowly making your way into the kitchen.

Put on sad face and let marinate for a few minutes before heading for the refrigerator. The sad face will elicit the sympathy needed to allow access to the food within. Finally, use two hands to grab some food and prepare it in whatever way you prefer.

Food selection will vary by availability and season.

 

 

Ode to severe halitosis – A poem


Bad breath doesn’t get enough love, so I decided to write a poem about it.

 

Ode to severe halitosis

Your tongue is one big boil

Like meat gone to spoil

Blacker than soil

 

Your teeth are green

With a shiny purple sheen

They’re anti-clean

 

Your breath is like wet dog

With just a hint of hog

Thicker than smog

 

Your mouth is unique

And dare I say chic?

So show off that reek!

Extreme Re-gifting


Sometimes it’s hard to buy gifts for all the occasions that happen throughout the year. All that waiting in line, trudging from one store to another, or paying exorbitant shipping costs when ordering online.

Let me introduce you to the wonderful world of re-gifting. I’m not talking about wrapping up a dusty scented candle or glass unicorn you got from your aunt. I’m talking about retrofitting anything and everything, even things that weren’t gifts to begin with. The re in this type of re-gifting is short for recycle. And anything can be recycled into a gift if you try hard enough.

Maybe you want to give someone a gift basket filled lotions and other assorted fancy toiletries. There’s no need to spend lots of money, not when you have everything you need right in your own bathroom. You know those nearly empty lotion, shampoo and body wash bottles taking up space under your sink? If you consolidate each bottle into an empty one, you now have a full lotion, shampoo and soap to add to your basket. You can also take all the old slivers of soap you have and mold them into a shape like a heart or a duck billed platypus.

Want to give a bottle of wine? Get a wine bottle and fill it with water, leftover vodka, and mouthwash. You can claim it’s a fancy new type of wine made from rare hybrid grapes. You can even make your own label on the computer and give your wine its own winery, like “Boozenbrau Farms.” This also works for beer and other assorted spirits.

You can even gift alcohol to a friend even if you don’t have any on hand. Keep in mind that this only works if your friend is a heavy drinker. Just grab an empty bottle of high quality beer, wine, or whatever your friend prefers. Then go to his or her party late and stick it in the cushion of their couch while they are partying in another room. When they come up to you later to ask why you didn’t give them anything, point to the bottle and say, “You already drank it.” They won’t remember and will assume you’re telling the truth. While this may seem deceptive, you’re actually giving the thought of alcohol consumption and it’s the thought that counts.

And let’s say you want to give a gift to a couple’s baby shower? Most new parents prefer practical gifts they can actually use. While you can wash up some old cloth diapers and wrap them up, no one really uses cloth diapers anymore. That’s where used disposable diapers come in. If you wash a disposable diaper by hand in hot water and bleach, then let it dry in the sun for several days, it’s as good as new, albeit a little lumpy and possibly stained. (White out is good at hiding most stains.)

Speaking of babies, cigars are a classic gift to give after a child is born and just a nice gift overall to cigar lovers. And cigars are expensive and just too tempting not to smoke yourself. But if you take several cigar butts and glue them together, you’ll end up with a full sized cigar. You can also dye it pink or blue if you’re planning on giving it to a new father.

 

That’s just a taste of ways you can turn old items into quick gifts. Do you have any ideas of your own? Leave them in the comments. If you’re shy about leaving comments, then write them down on a piece of paper and paste them to your computer screen.

 

 

 

The Potato Prank – A guide to tricking people into thinking you have a magical talking potato


Here’s a guide to my famous potato prank. If you follow each step, this prank is foolproof and will delight and terrify anyone you decide to trick.

The Potato Prank

  1. Get a potato. (This should be self evident, but I don’t want to leave this step out, since you might attempt this prank while potato-less, which would defeat the whole purpose of the prank.)
  2. Place the potato on a table. The table should have a long tablecloth that reaches to the floor. The tablecloth can be any color, but I personally prefer a solid color and not some gaudy flowery nonsense you only see in you grandmother’s house, mostly covered in dust.
  3. Hide under the table. Make sure there are no dogs sleeping under the table as they might wake up during the prank and start humping your leg.
  4. Wait until you hear someone enter the room. Carefully peek under the tablecloth until you see them come near the table.
  5. Start talking in a deep voice and say things like, “I am the grand potato. Feel my starchy wrath!” Or maybe “The land of Tuber will no longer stand for the consumption of its kin!” Anything that sounds both potatoy and slightly menacing will do.
  6. Continue speaking even if the prankee seems to be doubtful of the talking potato. This is just them slipping into denial from fear of a spud initiated conversation. Evidence of this denial comes out in phrases such as, “Not this again,” and “Don’t you have anything better to do?” or even “Cut it out. I wasn’t tricked the first time.” These are all just ways of quieting the terror inside. The more they protest, the more you know the trick is working.
  7. The prankee will eventually leave the room or pull up the tablecloth in a vain attempt to search for hidden potato hordes. If they leave the room, rush out and yell, “Gotcha!” If they pull up the tablecloth, smile and yell, “Gotcha!”

If done correctly, this prank will always trick people, no matter how many times they’ve had it pulled on them. It’s the prank that keeps on pranking and will always bring joy and a bit of potato based fear to those you love (and maybe those you hate as well.)

The Gem – a heartwarming story of medical malpractice


Here’s a story I wrote a while back as a gift to my mother. She used to tell me inspirational stories like this all the time when I was a kid and I just wanted to give her the same joy.

The Gem – a heartwarming story of medical malpractice

Dr. Kinnley prepared for open heart surgery on a young man with a congenital defect. It was a normal procedure, something he’d done hundreds of times before, even while drunk. He wasn’t drunk this time though, since someone had found his secret stash and drank every last drop. Stupid interns.

The young man he’d be working on today was one of those romantics, the kind who spoke about his heart as if it was one of those corny cards you buy at the supermarket, the red ones shaped like stylized hearts. The kid was getting married in a few weeks and kept making doe eyes at his fiance, while saying crap like, “You hold my heart in the palm of your hand” and “My heart is a gem, cut just for you.”

As they were getting ready for surgery, the man looked up at Dr. Kinnley and said, “Doc, just you wait. My love for Stacy is so strong, I just know my heart has been cured and that this is the last surgery I will ever need.”

Dr. Kinnley grumbled and shook head as the patient went under. He didn’t put much stock in miracles, or love for that matter. Especially not after his wife left him to join the circus. The world was a harsh place, filled with heartbreak and clowns seducing surgeon’s wives to the alluring world of tents and cotton candy.

He started cutting open the man’s chest, expecting more of the same; blood, bone and a pulsating mass of diseased heart muscle. Instead, Dr. Kinnley found a gem shaped in Valentine’s Day fashion, twinkling under the hospital lights.

“My god,” he said in awe. “His heart really is a gem.”

Dr. Kinnley laughed and danced around the room. It was a miracle. His heart really was a gem! Love really had transformed it. “Go love!”

Dr. Kinnley cut the man’s heart free and gently lifted the glittering gem. The other doctors and nurses nearby stared at him in shock and some even tried to rush over. He just cradled the heart to his chest and pushed them away.

“It’s a miracle,” Dr. Kinnley shouted. “The world needs to see!”

He pushed as the door leading into the hallway. “Don’t worry, I’ll give it back when I’m done.” Dr. Kinnley was pretty sure the patient would be fine without his gem heart for a few minutes. It was a miracle, after all.

Dr. Kinnley rushed into the waiting room and screamed. “Behold, the power of love!” He shoved the heart into the hands of the patient’s fiance. “Now you really can hold his heart in the palm of your hand.”

Instead of crying tears of joy over the miracle, the woman screamed and dropped it to the floor. Everyone else in the waiting room screamed as well and backed away from the the still bouncing heart. As Dr. Kinnley was tackled from behind, he thought that maybe taking that hit of acid to replace his booze wasn’t such a good idea.