Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date


There’s many pitfalls to getting through that first date. How do you make sure you don’t make a fool of yourself or cause your date to throw you through a plate glass window? Well, let my handy list tell you what you need to know!

Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date:

  1. Tell your date they have a small round bug on their face and then attempt to pull it off. It’s probably a mole.
  2. Say, “I just met you but I’m not much for the dating scene. Can we just do it under the table?”
  3. Pull out a spork with a tiny wig glued to the top and say, “This is my best friend Sporky. He goes everywhere with me.”
  4. Compliment your date with, “You’re a real freak, but I’m desperate.”
  5. Pull out two masks and ask them if they want to help you rob the restaurant you’re heading to.
  6. Go to the local garbage dump and show your date how to search for “Trash Mushrooms.”
  7. Ask, “How much do you charge an hour?” This is a date. Dates are free.
  8. Bring your mother along. Yes, she might enjoy the opera, but it’ll be hard to interact with your date with her sitting between you.
  9. When the date ends, ask “How about a goodnight blowjob?” No. First dates are kisses.
  10. Grab someone off the street and drive them to the movies. That is not a date. That is kidnapping.

Review of a Movie That Doesn’t Exist – 50 Shades of Avengers


Okay, it’s that time again, when I review a movie that only exists in my mind.

50 Shades of Avengers

Characters

Anatasia – Lily Tomlin

Bruce Banner – Michael Caine

The movie follows a woman named Anastasia who enters into a steamy relationship of bondage with the Bruce Banner, aka The Incredible Hulk, who runs a successful company called Giant Green Guy Enterprises.

Whenever Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into a huge green colored BDSM enthusiast. This causes him to be kicked out of the Avengers Initiative for his repeated attempts to handcuff Tony Stark and Natasha Romanoff together.

He then starts his own business using his scientific knowledge to invent a genetically modified carrot that tastes like a chocolate milkshake. It’s a success and he uses this money to buy dozens of helicopters he can smash together.

One day, a woman named Anastasia decides to interview him, not for any sort of paper, but because she’s kind of odd and enjoys asking famous people random questions. She shows up at his office and starts asking questions like, “If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?” and “What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

Bruce gets angry and becomes the Hulk, then proceeds to chase her around town, throwing cars at her back before he handcuffs her to the top of a skyscraper. Surprisingly, she finds this romantic and gives him her number. I won’t spoil the ending for you, but it involves two tanks, fifteen yards of steel cable and a deflated bouncy castle.

All in all, I think 50 Shades of Avengers was a heartwarming tale of badly researched BDSM and humongous angry green guys. Unfortunately, you will not be able to watch it, as it doesn’t exist. But you can get drunk and binge watch Avengers movies while reading 50 Shades of Grey.

Ode to Zombies – The song


I wrote a poem a while back (https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com/2012/07/15/ode-to-zombies) and have decided to ask my fiancée Candy to sing it as a song.

Ode to Zombies

The sun shone bright on my head.

It didn’t matter that I was dead.

People screamed and ran away.

But all I wanted to do was play.


Zombie tag is quite a thrill.

We shuffle along, going in for the kill.

We take your brain and wolf it down.

Then we party just outside of town.


We get drunk and dance ‘til dawn.

And then all crash at Forest Lawn.

Everyone should get on the zombie train.

All it costs is a bit of brain.

What Do Beer, Stalkers and Diamonds Have in Common? The Best Greeting Cards in the World!


I’ve decided to go into the greeting card business. So many people buy greeting cards, so this should be like grabbing handfuls of cash out of people’s hands, without the hassle of being chased down by police.

And my cards are not going to be that cheesy Hallmark crap. They’re going to be honest and so filled with emotion that they’ll drip emotion from their very ink. Not literally of course. Soggy cards aren’t much fun.

First up is a birthday card for those moments in your life when you had a tad too much to drink and may have ruined your friend or loved one’s celebration.

Front

I'm sorry I got drunk

Inside

And peed on your birthday cake.

The next one is a romantic card that shows how the illness of love is a good kind of sick.

Font

Your love infected me like anthrax

Inside

But without the fever and bloody diahrrea

The next card is for when your relationship isn’t going the way you had hoped.

Front

I could say how much I love you...

Inside

But that would be a lie. Welcome to Splitsville, population you.

The next card is written for all those stalkers out there. I figure they’re a large untapped market.

Front

Thinking of you

Inside

While I carefully rub your photo between my fingers.

This next card was written with my mother in mind. It’s one of her favorite sayings when she learns someone is expecting.

Front

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Inside

Whew. I just thought you were getting fat.

I wrote this last card while drunker than normal, but I still think it turned out okay.

Friends are like diamonds.

Inside

They're bits of compressed carbon. Wait, that's not quite right. Well, friends are like someting.

So, there you have it. Six of the most special, most emotional, most extraordinary cards that have ever been dreamed up after three bottles of beer and a Jello shot of vodka. I’m going to start selling them door to door, though not in my own neighborhood.

People got a little wary of me knocking on their door after my attempt to sell nature scented air freshener. People are more interested in the plant scents of nature and not the animals themselves. No amount of spraying in their face could convince them otherwise.

The Johnson Family Coat of Arms, or Why You Can Never Have Too Many Marmosets


My family is not what you would call conventional. We don’t just dance to the beat of our own drummer, the drummer is actually a mime playing a kazoo. Johnsons do what they want, when they want, how they want. Well, at least until we come to grave bodily harm or incarceration. But loss of limb or liberty is a small price to pay for showing the world the joys of lion wrangling or the evils of carousel operators. And there’s nothing more satisfying than saying what you really think at a bar and reveling in that sweet moment before a beer bottle comes hurtling towards your head.

So, my family created their own coat of arms that doesn’t follow all the silly rules and traditions foisted on other people, people who aren’t us. This allowed us the make a coat of arms that really screams Johnson, sometimes literally with a well placed sound device.

The Johnson family coat of arms is a tongue licking a moss covered rock and a duck with the body of a bowl of salad. Those symbolize our adventurous nature and… no one knows quite what the deal with the duck is. The designer may have been drunk, which is another joy us Johnsons are known to delight in.

There’s a pair of crossed eyes at the top to show that we’re always watching, watching so hard that our eyes will go wonky. The bottom shows our family motto, “More Marmosets Please.” That came from a time when a Johnson family ancestor was given a marmoset for a gift and kept demanding more. It’s a lesson that any time you receive generosity, you should push and push and drain that resource dry. You don’t have to say please, but please sounded better in the motto.

We have another motto, which didn’t make the coat of arms. That one is, “Whatever our opinion is, think the opposite.” It was mandated by ancient court order and no self respecting Johnson uses it in current times. My opinions are gold and you should all follow them to the letter. Especially the one about wrangling lions. I haven’t tried it yet, but it sure sounds like fun.

Mr. Squish – The best gum in the world (Unless someone makes gum with money inside)


Everyone likes gum, except maybe people who have a fear of chewing, but then they’d also dislike any type of non-liquid food. (They wouldn’t be too keen on stew, though. You pretty much have to chew stew.) But everyone else likes gum.

Gum is like candy that you spit out after you’ve chewed the flavor away. You can blow spit into it and make a bubble that bursts over your lips and face. Or, if you’re trying to blow a bubble with regular chewing gum, accidentally send the wad out of your mouth like a waxy projectile.

It sticks to everything like glue but is more fun to eat than paste. You can even play with a chewed piece like Silly Putty, although most people seem to find that inappropriate for some reason. Gum is absolutely perfect, a tiny stick or ball of delight that fits in your pocket.

People say you can’t improve on perfection, but I’m always willing to try, which is why I’ve developed a revolutionary new type of gum. I call it Mr. Squish.

Mr. Squish

Mr. Squish is a grape flavored gum with an edible center. Unlike similar gums, the center isn’t candy. Candy has been done to death. (And I don’t mean my fiancé Candy. She’ll never get old.) The center of each Mr. Squish gum is liver.

Yes, liver. That delicious iron rich meal served with onions. You’ve had it on a plate and now you can have it in your gum. Chewing Mr. Squish is like biting into a surprise, a good surprise like opening the mail and finding that erotic soap you ordered and not a bad surprise like opening your shower and finding a dead skunk.

Children’s eyes will well up with delight when they bite into a Mr. Squish gum ball. Adults will shout with joy when they have their first taste of livery goodness. The world will be a nicer place for having Mr. Squish in it. See, I’m not just inventing a new type of gum. I’m changing the world.

A New Year’s Tale


I hope you like this heartwarming tale about ringing in the new year.

A New Year’s Tale

Joey Oldyear sat back in his couch with a glass of wine and thought about how rich and full his life was, how he had witnessed the world and experienced so much. Wait, that was just the alcohol talking. Joey’s life consisted of everything from the past year stuffed inside his head, growing as the year went on. Imagine that, every gust of wind and bawling kid, every high tide and bathroom break. All crowding around his head along with celebrity gossip and world changing events.

Oh and if that wasn’t enough, Joey wasn’t quite a year old and he already looked like he was eighty years old, with a cliche white beard to boot. He remembered when he was Joey Newyear, a fresh faced kid who didn’t mind wearing only a diaper and sash bearing the year. Back then it was cute. Now it just made him look like a creepy pervert.

Being a figurative representation of a unit of time really sucked. You’d think it would be a glamorous job filled with fame and scantily dressed seconds, but it wasn’t. He was relegated to a small room in the back of a hollowed out eon, with only a couch and a hotplate to call his own.

And now an upstart little tyke was sauntering up, rosy faced and clearheaded. He grinned and danced a bit, making giggly baby sounds as he showed off his brand new sash, which wasn’t tattered and stained with chili sauce like Joey’s.

“Hey there,” the kid said. “I’m Matt Newyear!” He giggled again and sat in Joey’s lap. “You must be the old year.” Matt tugged at Joey’s beard. “A really old year.”

“Piss off,” Joey said, shoving the brat off the couch.

“No,” Matt said. “It’s my time now. And that’s my couch.”

“It isn’t yours until midnight in every time zone,” Joey said. “Now go bother someone else.”

“I want to bother you,” Matt said. “I’ve never seen a tired old man before.”

Joey stood up. “I am not old! If I was human, I’d just be learning how to walk!”

“You look old to me.” Matt cocked his head like a puppy. “I doubt you can even hold your bladder.”

“Neither can you, baby new year,” Joey said. Man, he remembered being this annoying when he was a new year, but this was different. This time he was only the receiving end of the cocky new replacement’s sass. Well, he could give as good as he got.

Matt looked down at his diaper. “I… I’m only wearing it for the tradition of it all. I’m quite potty trained.”

“Right,” Joey said. “Sure you are.”

“I am!” Matt said. He shook his head. “Wait, we’re getting off track. Aren’t we supposed to be talking about your frailty and senility?”

“I’m not too frail to take you on,” Joey said. He would have rolled up his sleeves if he had been wearing a shirt. “Come on shorty, let’s rumble.”

“Hold that thought,” Matt said. He looked at his wrist as if he was wearing a watch. “Ten, nine, eight, seven, six – ”

“What the hell are you doing?” Joey asked.

Matt held up his hand. “Three, two one.”

Joey grasped his heart and fell to the ground. Matt stepped over the body and climbed onto the couch. “Happy New Year,” he said with a smirk.

A step by step guide to the most awesome Halloween costume ever


It’s October, which means Halloween and my cousin Mike’s parole date are coming up. But you’re probably only interested in Halloween. So, I’m going to show you how to create the most awesome costume to ever exist.

The Candy Commando

First let me tell you about the Candy Commando. He’s the world’s best defense against the candy menace. The Candy Commando fights the good fight against the rise of candy domination by devouring all candy he comes across on sight. He is the sugar coated hero we should all aim to be.

The Candy Commando only exists in my mind so far, but I plan to turn him into a character for a series of P.S.A.s about the secret plots of candykind.

Step by step guide to the perfect Candy Commando costume

  1. Make a wreath of candy wrappers and mini boxes of gum drops. You can attach them together with a hot glue gun, but don’t try to wear it and make it at the same time. It might be quicker that way, but hot glue burns are not fun.
  2. Using the same glue gun, attach candy wrappers to an old pair of pants and tee-shirt. Resist the urge to use the fancy suit you borrowed from that friend you got into a fight with last Tuesday. The fight will blow over, but not if you mangle their best piece of clothing.
  3. Get two candy display boxes grocery stores stick at the end of check out lines and craft them into shoes. Be careful that there is not any candy left in the boxes when you take them, or you could end up busted for shoplifting.
  4. Use spirit gum to attach blue candy to your face in an approximation of the warpaint from the movie Braveheart. There’s no need to add a kilt, though.
  5. Smear a costume gun with glue and then cover it with rainbow and chocolate sprinkles until every inch is coated. Refrain from trying to bite your gun, as glue is not a tasty addition to sugary sprinkles.
  6. Now that your costume is complete, head out into your neighborhood and shout “I am the Candy Commando! I devour candy on sight!” while grabbing candy from random strangers and running away. Make sure you run fast, as most people don’t take kindly to candy theft, even if it’s just a byproduct of your confection military training.

A Candy Commando costume will allow you to put candy on notice that the world is becoming aware of its sentience and plans for world domination, while giving you an excuse to snatch as much candy as you want without feeling like a thief. It’s for the protection of the world, after all.

 

Quick recipe for moochers


Here’s a nice and easy recipe for moochers.

Quick Recipe for Moochers

 

Ingredients –

1 home of a close friend or relative

1 hug per member of household

1 kitchen

1 sad face

2 hands

 

Directions

Head over to the home of your chosen close friends or relatives. Say, “Surprise!” and “Miss me?” then precede to parcel out hugs to each person. Continue to make conversation while slowly making your way into the kitchen.

Put on sad face and let marinate for a few minutes before heading for the refrigerator. The sad face will elicit the sympathy needed to allow access to the food within. Finally, use two hands to grab some food and prepare it in whatever way you prefer.

Food selection will vary by availability and season.