Brain to Books Cyber Convention Author Interview – Jade Royal


Car here. This is a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the 2016 Brain to Books Cyber Convention. (https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/154267-brain-to-books-cyber-convention-2016) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into assorted objects of their choice.

 

Today I am going to interview a black Lexus named Jade Royal. When she isn’t driving through town, having her oil changed, or being involved in random car chases, she writes erotica, romance, fantasy and other genres. She currently posts weekly installments of erotic fantasy to her blog.

 

 

Blog: http://jaderoyalauthor.com/category/dirtyfantasythursday/

There’s a weekly installment posted every Thursday.

 

Bio:

I’m Jade and I’m a closeted writer. I’ve been writing short stories and the likes since I was a young girl but kept all of those words for myself. I’m working on my first series that will include multiple books of a BDSM series. I write Erotica, Romance, Fantasy, Fantasy Romance, and other forms of Fiction.

I was born and raised in good old Cincinnati, OH into a huge family that I adore. I have two dogs that believe that they are lap dogs though they are both over 50 lbs. And while the words flow from my fingertips, they warm my feet and enjoy listening to the sounds of my rapid keystrokes.

Links:

http://www.jaderoyalauthor.com

https://www.facebook.com/jaderoyalauthor

https://www.goodreads.com/Jade_Royal

 

 

 

 

What made you start writing? As a Lexus, I bet your writing is influenced by the scenery outside your windshield as you’re driven around.

Being a luxury car means that I come with amenities that allow my passengers to create memorable experiences that I turn into stories that need to be told.

 

 

How does a Lexus write? Do flick you run over a pool of ink and then do fish tails on a large piece of paper? Squeal your tires over a keyboard? Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

With the blaring music from my speakers and the tire marks on the pavement.

 

 

Do you hang out with other automobiles and if so, what are they like?

Yes, some are high quality like a Mercedes Benz, others are loyal like a Toyota, or dependable like Hondas, but there are always some old buckets that are just driving through.

 

 

Tell us about your inspiration for your upcoming book. Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story? That’s how I come up with interview questions.

The concept for my upcoming book came from a day dreaming passenger, a good looking man on the street, and a sultry songstress seducing across the airwaves. I combined them to create a sexy tale where readers will be drawn into my world.

 

 

What made you choose to write BDSM? I always imagined Lexuses writing memoirs about their various drivers.

BDSM reminds me of my factory days. Being chained to the car carrier, the musky smell of my brand new leather seats, and being driven to test my endurance and speed before being released into the world.

 

 

Is it true that Lexuses live life in the fast lane and have lots of drive?

Absolutely, that’s why you never see a Lexus on the side of the road.

 

 

Is there a special Lexus in your life? Or are you currently unattached?

I have my eye on a special vehicle that makes me want to recline my seats and rev my engine.

 

 

What else have you wrote and have you ever gotten a job in a crash test center?

get my rims messy every week for my blog #DirtyFantasyThursday. I also provide lubricant by featuring

in #MasturbationMonday for Kayla Lords. I’ve never been a part of a crash test but I am the resilient result of some poor crapper.

 

 

What hobbies do you have? Do you drag race in your spare time?

My hobbies include beating the pavement, listening to the smooth tunes of my radio, inviting others to the garage for wild car shows that I host with delicious eats and treats.

 

 

Do you have any advice for young Lexuses there who might want to try their hand at writing?

Keep your pedal to the floor, maneuver around obstacles with finesse, stay classy, maintenance regularly, and don’t forget your hazards!

Brain to Books Cyber Convention Author Interview – Nan Sampson


Car here. This is a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the 2016 Brain to Books Cyber Convention. (https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/154267-brain-to-books-cyber-convention-2016) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into assorted objects of their choice.

 

Today I am going to interview a cow clock named Nan Sampson. When she isn’t keeping time, ticking away, or mooing the hour, she’s the author of Restless Natives, a cozy mystery with paranormal elements.

Nan Sampson Cow Clock2

 

 

Book: Restless Natives, a cozy mystery with paranormal elements:

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22724568-restless-natives

 

http://www.amazon.com/Restless-Natives-Gooden-Mystery-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B00LOUPR4Y

 

 

Synopsis:

The weekend before her coffee shop’s Grand Opening in the small Wisconsin town of Horizon, former Chicago marketing exec Ellie Gooden opens the back door to her business… and finds murder. The former owner is dead in the middle of her kitchen, tied to a chair, covered in syrup and feathers, with a butcher knife sticking out of his chest. Alone in a new town, she climbs immediately to the top of a suspect list of one. To make matters worse, someone is vandalizing both her new shop and her new home, delaying her opening. As she struggles to launch her new business and salvage her reputation, she digs into the murdered man’s past, unearthing long-buried small town secrets – secrets that have driven someone to kill and turned Ellie from suspect to potential victim herself.

 

Bio:

Nan Sampson has been writing stories since she was old enough to hold a crayon (before that, her mom simply called it ‘making stuff up’).  Never one to limit herself to any one interest, she writes in a variety of genres, including mystery, fantasy and science fiction.  She is a nerd of the first water, an original Trekkie, Whovian, 221B Baker Street Irregular and Firefly fan girl, with a penchant for history, quantum physics, and gardening.  Her biggest fan is Admiral Horatio Nelson, her very pushy poodle, who deigns to reside with her, along with her handsome, long-suffering husband and fabulously nerdy daughter, in the northwest suburbs of Chicago.

 

Website:  http://nansampsonauthor.com/

 

FB:  https://www.facebook.com/nansampsonauthor/

 

Twitter:  @nansampson

 

What made you start writing? As a cow clock, I bet your writing was influenced by all the events in your life that have mooved you.

I’ve been telling mooving stories ever since I was a young calf clock.  My father tried to steer me away from a career in writing, but I was too bullish to listen.  I’m sure he was just worried that I’d never be outstanding in this field… but now with one published novel and another being released in April, I think he’d be proud of me.  I find that all of my experiences, with the proper twisting and turning, make excellent story fodder – heck even this interview could be farmed for a story!

 

How does a cow clock write? Do you dip your minute hand in ink and scratch it on a page? Fall off the wall onto a keyboard? Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

Ah, Car, where there’s a will there’s a way!  I used to use the old minute hand trick – but recently I’ve discovered moo-tooth technology!  I simply moo into the air and my words are picked up by a microphone,  transmitted to the computer on the counter and appear on the screen.  Gotta love those chicks in IT.

 

Do you hang out with other novelty clocks and if so, what are they like?

Before this gig, I used to hang out with some other clocks.  Mostly cows, but a couple of pig and chicken time pieces too.  Now that I’m here at the Sacred Caff Coffee Shop, though, I’m pretty much Top Cow.  I think there’s a digital clock in one of the back rooms, and of course the obligatory time-punch clock – but you know how it goes – management and the grunts don’t fraternize much.

 

Tell us about your inspiration for Restless Natives. Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story? That’s how I come up with interview questions.

Hah!  Yes, inspiration can come from the most glaring events!  For this novel, I knew I wanted to create a world that readers would want to come back to visit, again and again.  Kind of like Nancy Atherton did with her Aunt Dimity series.  It was a little about physical location – I love the scenery in southwestern Wisconsin — but even more about the people who lived there.  So it was important to create a cast of “locals”, who recur through the series, and who I thought would be interesting and quirky and fun.  The plot for this book – as well as some of the others in the series — came naturally out of those characters, and the ways in which small towns work.

 

 

What made you choose to write a mystery novel? I always imagined cow clocks writing western themed word a day calendars.

Mysteries are eternal!

Even as a calf clock, I was always fascinated by mysteries – novels, TV shows, movies.  I cut my teeth on television detectives like Starsky and Clutch, Ironflanks, Stalls of San Francisco.  In terms of books, I adored Sherlock Hooves, devoured absolutely everything written by Agatha Clover (I mean, who doesn’t love Hermule Poirot!), then mooved  into many, many cozy mystery series as I got older.  I also love historical mysteries too, Lindsey Davis being a particular favorite.

I adore puzzles – delving for clues, picking apart what is known then extrapolating the unknown.  It’s a bit of an obsession , really!

 

Is it true that cow clocks are udderly excellent when it comes to figuring out what makes people tick (tock)?

Well, I don’t like to brag.  But, I mean, think about it.  I hang around here all day, in a coffee shop, where literally, drama plays out before my eyes almost every moment.  Little stories, big stories, stories important to the whole town, stories only important to maybe one insignificant person.  I witness them all!  And to me, each story has its own merit.  But, with those stories come questions.  Why?  How?  Where?  With Who?  I find that if I’m patient, and pay attention, all questions can be answered – even if those answers are only in my own mind!

 

Is there a special cow clock in your life? Or are you currently unattached?

I have a wonderful cow clock partner.  We’ve been together for over 25 years.  He totally gets me, even when he sometimes has no idea what I’m talking about.  He’s been very supportive of my writing which, in this business, is like a life line!

 

What else have you written and have you ever accidentally forgotten to set yourself?

Hah!  You’re such a clown Car!  No, I’ve never forgotten to set myself, although I once went six months an hour ahead.  Kept thinking the folks in town had turned into slug-abeds, since everyone was always an hour late to everything!

In terms of other projects, the second Ellie Gooden mystery (Office Heretics) is due out at the end of the month and I have three more in this series in the planning stages.  I also have a Steam Punk mystery due out at the end of the year, and there’s a fantasy series I’m actively world building for.  Plus there are many more ideas sitting in my head or in my notebooks, waiting for their turn – kind of like cows coming home at milking time.  So many udders, not enough stalls!

 

What hobbies do you have? Are you a tour guide to a kitschy clock museum?

A clock museum – well, I guess if this writing thing doesn’t work out, that might be something to look into.  Thanks, Car!  Hobbies… hmmm… well, I’m an avid gardener, I love to bake and of course, I’m a voracious reader of both fiction and non-fiction.  Mysteries, fantasy and science fiction primarily, on the fiction side and physics, astronomy, archaeology and history on the non-fiction side.  If I could have, I would have become a full-time Cowllege student.  Sadly, no one would pay me a living wage just to learn – so I became a writer instead!

 

Do you have any advice for young cow clocks out there who might want to try their hand at writing?

Best advice I ever got was to keep writing.  Every day.  To quote a favorite movie, ‘Never give up, never surrender!’  I also work hard to turn off the inner editor when I draft.  Drafting is for magical possibilities.  They may not all pay off, but you never know what wondrous things will happen if you don’t abandon that nasty critic that lives in your head.  You can’t sell a “perfect” half-finished novel.  So keep writing, finish things, THEN go back and make them pretty.  After that, rinse and repeat!  If writing is what you truly want to do, the best way to live the dream is to DO IT!  Don’t talk about writing – just WRITE!  Following that dream is the best thing I ever did for myself, and I wouldn’t want to live any other way.

Thanks for talking with me today, Car!  It’s been fun!

Brain to Books Cyber Convention Author Interview – Rebecca P. McCray


Car here. This is a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the 2016 Brain to Books Cyber Convention. (https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/154267-brain-to-books-cyber-convention-2016) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into assorted objects of their choice.

 

Today I am going to interview a sword named Rebecca P. McCray. When she isn’t fighting in battles, protecting the innocent or sharpening herself on whetstones, she’s an author of fusion of science fiction and fantasy.

Rebecca

Book: The Journey of the Marked www.smarturl.it/journeyofthemarked

TMH_FINAL_Amazon

Blurb: The mark means honor. The mark invites death.

On a distant planet, Eros thrives in the Human settlement he calls home. Raised to follow his grandfather’s noble footsteps, he studies the details of each species that co-exist here. But when the mark appears, he’s called to fight, which changes his life forever.

Forced to abandon his home, the mark makes him the hunted. He’s attacked the night he arrives in the city. A tough, street fighter named Kenrya saves his life. When they join others on the same journey, her cynical attitude drives a wedge between the group.

Given the perils facing them, can they put aside their differences and trust each other long enough to survive?

Discover this epic adventure where an individual’s unique abilities can change the course of the future.

 

Summary: The heart of the story is about valuing differences. The planet is a safe haven for refugee species, so a variety of different species with various abilities have settled there. One species is attempting to take over and is willing to do so at any cost including the destruction of all others on the planet. The five sixteen-year-olds at the heart of the story (each a different species) have been marked to join the fight against the problematic species. The story follows their journey to a training camp and the perils they face along the way.

 

Bio: Rebecca P. McCray is a financial consultant by day and fantasy world-builder by night. Her debut novel, The Journey of the Marked, was a finalist in The Wishing Shelf Book Awards. She enjoys building out a world that is a cross between high-fantasy and gritty sci-fi and plans to publish the second novel in the series in the first half of 2016.

 

Links:

http://www.rebeccamccray.com/

www.goodreads.com/rebpai

www.facebook.com/miyranheir

www.twitter.com/rebpai

 

What made you start writing? As a sword, I bet your writing is sharp and was forged in your childhood, or rather your undefined lump of metalhood.

During my early years, I remember being awed by a double-edged sword and the captivating stories he told about each drop of blood on his blade. He just knew how to slay his audience. But, my real inspiration started with a spark during my molten development stage and from there, my swordsmith guided me to become the epic storyteller I am today.

How does a sword write? Do you prick the finger of your owner and use him as a mobile pen? Do you leap from your sheath and smash your hilt into a keyboard? Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

Oh, it’s nothing as dramatic as that. Vibrations are the key. Depending on the speed and tone of my vibrations, my scribe is able to translate the stories into written word.

Do you hang out with other weapons and if so, what are they like?

I find so many other weapons dull, if I’m being honest. But, on occasion, there’s one with that rare gleam that just really knows how to slice through the monotony.

Tell us about your inspiration for The Journey of the Marked. Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story? That’s how I come up with interview questions.

There was a time when I faced opponents almost daily. My edges still sport remnants of the carnage. In more recent times, I’ve spent many days resting in the sheath and it gave me the chance to contemplate the ravages of war and how often people are treated unfairly simply because they’re different. My story highlights the value in differences and how each individual can contribute in his or her own way.

What made you choose to write a science fiction/fantasy novel? I always imagined swords writing military history.   

There’s so much more flash with science fiction / fantasy and it gives me the freedom to create a new and fresh perspective of bladed weapons. With military history, one must be so rigid, so confined to one’s position. I wanted to forge a new direction.

Is it true that swords are sharp witted and into heavy metal?

As mentioned above, some are sharp, but some are quite dull. It’s all in the honing. As for the second part of your question, that’s something of a stereotype. I’m really more of a glam-metal type.

Is there a special sword in your life? Or are you currently unattached?

Why would I bind myself at this stage in my life? I mean, look at me. I’m sleek and smooth. Now sometime down the road, maybe there’ll be a special broadsword in my life and we’ll have a few little daggers. Of course, he would have to be a real cut-up, but together, we could hack our way through any obstacles.

What else have you wrote and have you ever been used to chop wood by someone who couldn’t tell you apart from an axe?

There was this crazy witch one time that stole me from my fighter. Apparently she needed something to stir her brew. I still cringe every time I smell thistle. As for writing, I’m currently working on my second book and plan to publish it this year.

What hobbies do you have? Do you double as one of those really sharp knives that cut through cans in infomercials?

I lead a group of dagger scouts in my free time. They earn hilt jewels by accomplishing tasks like sharpening their edges without modern technology.

Do you have any advice for young swords out there who might want to try their hand at writing?

Writing takes dedication and perseverance. Just like preparing for any battle, you have to push ahead and believe in your abilities. Seek help from others when you falter and always keep yourself polished and sharp.

Brain to Books Cyber Convention Author Interview – Sophia Madison


Car here. This is a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the 2016 Brain to Books Cyber Convention. (https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/154267-brain-to-books-cyber-convention-2016) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into assorted objects of their choice.

 

Today I am going to interview a killer necklace called Death’s Noose, aka Sophia Madison. When she isn’t strangling people to death, hanging on someone’s neck, or getting roped into a fashion show, she’s an author of dark fantasy.

Screenshot_2016-03-30-20-12-33-1

 

Book: Blue Ruin

http://www.amazon.com/Blue-Ruin-Phoenix-Series-Book-ebook/dp/B01AX8VOUI

 

Summary: A hunter and the hunted, Maura Leroux is one of the last of her kind with a dark past that has haunted her. With black magical beings having been hunted for centuries, she’s come to learn a thing or two about survival. But Adrian Wilhelm, a notorious Vampire, threatens to destroy Maura’s newfound life as a detective in the magical world of Mystics. Adrian intends to use Maura as a means of resurrecting the fallen world of black magical beings, Abysm. Maura has made it her mission to stop Adrian while covering her tracks from those that have been seeking her out for centuries.

 

Bio: Sophia Madison is a young writer of dark fantasy novels. By night, she gallivants in the realm of witches and wizards, vampires and angels, sirens and goddesses. By day, she is a pediatric registered nurse, who sings songs about unicorns and rainbows while showering little kids in lollipops and stickers.

 

Social Media Links:

Twitter: www.twitter.com/sophiatmadison

WordPress: www.sophiatmadison.wordpress.com

Website: www.sophiamadison.weebly.com

 

What made you start writing? As a killer necklace, I bet you really clung to the idea that you wanted to be a writer, no matter how many necks it hurt in the process.

It can be rather boring just hanging from a neck all day. Sometimes I’m not even visible — I get lost beneath layers of clothes, or purposely hidden underneath a shirt. What’s a girl to do? And don’t get me started on the voices. Oh, those voices — of all of the souls I’ve killed — they don’t shut up. But, telling stories seems to keep them quiet…if just for a little while.

 

How does a killer necklace write? Do you choke someone until they fall into a vat of ink and then pull them over paper? Do you let them fall onto a keyboard? Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

It depends on my mood. Sometimes I like to write with the blood of my enemy. Other days, I don’t have time. A quick choke is all I can do. They fall onto the keyboard, bang out a couple of misspelled, illiterate, and irrelevant words and before I know it, I’ve written a novel.

 

Do you hang out with other homicidally inclined jewelry and if so, what are they like?

I used to…until they were stolen away. Death’s Scythe and I were a pair. Now, a Goddess’ Vampire son (he’s such a little brat…just wait until I get around his neck) has her. I’m sure he isn’t treating her well — you know, getting to kill as many as I do. I remember the days where she would slash throats, severe limbs, decapitate the enemy. Ahh, the good days. Now she’s stuck in a glass case, and I’m suffocated beneath a shirt.

 

Tell us about your inspiration for Blue Ruin. Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story? That’s how I come up with interview questions.

As much as I hate to admit it, the voices had a part in the idea. They wouldn’t stop talking talking talking, screaming screaming screaming. I fell asleep that night with their words swirling around in my head, like the awful aftereffects of drinking too much booze. I had a vague dream, one that spun into a novel with just a few threads of ideas.

 

What made you choose to write a fantasy? I always imagined killer necklaces writing medical papers about neck bruising.

While I do have a bit of medical knowledge from being a nurse on my days off of killing, I wanted an escape from the norm. But, as a cold-blooded killer, who feasts on the souls of the living, I couldn’t exactly write romance and children’s books. “And then Button the puppy hopped across the park to his owner…where he bit into his owner’s neck and rolled in the blood that spurted from his severed veins.” See my problem?

 

Is it true that killer necklaces sometimes choke when in front of a large crowd?

I’ll admit, being concealed by clothing most of the day, has taken its toll on my ability to confront a crowd. At first, I’ll stutter or my links will get kinked and caught. Sometimes I have to be pulled a little harder than usual. But, once that rush of soul hits me…I’ll bring the whole crowd to its knees.

 

Is there a special killer necklace in your life? Or are you currently unattached?

I’m currently unattached, which is the safest of the two options. The whole intimacy thing can get a bit complicated…before I know it, I’ve killed another one and then I’m stuck with their stupid voice screaming at me in my head for eternity. It’s bad enough I had to listen to them in life.

 

What else have you written and have you ever unsuccessfully tried to choke an android that looked human?

I’ve written many things since I was a mere child. To date, I’ve completed twelve novels. Though, The Phoenix Series will be the only ones published. The other novels were written for fun as a young teen, and are horrible enough that I want to choke myself when I read them.

 

What hobbies do you have? Do you hire yourself out as a prop for a haunted house?

That’s a great idea if this writing thing doesn’t work out. As for hobbies, I don’t really have many. It depends where I am. When I’m around a neck, I like to people watch, stare at the scenery, enjoy the sun. I love going to the beach and darkening my golden tone. When I’m placed in the jewelry box for the night, I like to hang out with all of the other necklaces, rings, and bracelets that never get worn.

 

Do you have any advice for young killer necklaces out there who might want to try their hand at writing?

Do what you love. Life is too short not to try new things — I would know. It’s important to realize that you’re going to suck your first time writing. But practice makes perfect. It took me a long time to master the choke hold — I mean writing. It took me a long time to learn the skill of writing. I went through a lot of people — I mean paper — until I got it right. It’s a process, one with many ups and downs that can either leave you feeling encouraged and motivated or discouraged and hopeless. If you love to write, these things will never stop you. Besides, writing is easy. Editing, publishing, marketing — those are difficult. Who wants to buy a book from a killer necklace? …everyone, or else I’ll be using you as the ink for my sequel.

Brain to Books Cyber Convention Author Interview – Zachary P Chopchinski


Car here. This is a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the 2016 Brain to Books Cyber Convention. (https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/154267-brain-to-books-cyber-convention-2016) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into assorted objects of their choice.

 

Today I am going to interview a broom named Zachary P Chopchinski. When he isn’t sweeping across dirt, being stuck in a supply closet, or being used to usher away stray cats, he’s the author of The Curious Tale of Gabrielle.

Zachary

 

 

 

Book: The Curious Tale of Gabrielle

Curioustaleofgabrielle

 

AMAZON http://www.amazon.com/Curious-Tale-Gabrielle-Zachary-Chopchinski-ebook/dp/B01BJ5FS06/

BARNES & NOBLE http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-curious-tale-of-gabrielle-zachary-paul-chopchinski/1121445311

SMASHWORDS https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/524345

 

Summary:

Gabrielle is driven by her will to explore and see new things. When she moves to the small town of Envisage, she is drawn to a hidden antique shop and its mysterious owner. When Gabrielle is given a strange gift, she suddenly finds herself in the middle of an epic battle between good and evil.

Follow Gabrielle as she ventures through the lives of many with the experience of only her own. It’s a journey through history, life, and love unlike anything that could be imagined—except perhaps by a curious young girl.

 

Bio:

Zachary is 27 and lives in Florida with his lovely wife, Layla. The two of them share a home with their 4 fur-children.

Zachary received an Associate’s degree in Criminal Justice and a Bachelor’s degree in Criminology from the University of Southern Maine. He had two short stories and a poem published by Ohio State University.

Zachary has always had two passions in his life, criminal justice and writing. After spending nearly 5 years working in security, he decided it was time to give his other passion a chance.

Zachary is very much a family man and when he is not deep in writing, he can be found spending time with his family, playing video games or contemplating his next story idea.

 

Social Media Links:

WEBSITE http://zachchop.com

TWITTER https://twitter.com/ZachChop

FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/Zachary-Paul-Chopchinski-772308849490741

TUMBLR http://an-author-and-his-books.tumblr.com

GOODREADS https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/9853623.Zachary_Paul_Chopchinski

 

 

What made you start writing? As a broom, I bet your writing was influenced by all the things you’ve noticed swept under the rug over the years.

You could say that I’ve had a dusting of inspiration throughout the years. It’s been often that I’ve been swept into my own thought. Ever since I was a kid, I always enjoyed writing stories and telling tales. It’s something I always wanted to do, and then one day my lovely wife said “guess what I started for you” and she showed me an author website that she put together for me. Ever since then, I have been on this sweeping journey.

 

How does a broom write? Do you spread dust and debris over a floor in shape of letters? Topple over onto a keyboard? Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

 

As a broom, I find that creating individual letters is a huge challenge. Now a days, people can hardly comprehend the issues of calligraphy in the life of a broom. I can tell you, it is no tidy task.

 

Do you hang out with other cleaning apparatuses and if so, what are they like?

I have to say that one of my best friends growing up is my good buddy Pan. He really helps me clean up my thoughts and collect my ideas. Nothing’s perfect, our relationship has had its messes, but in the end we always seem to pull together and get the job done.

 

Tell us about your inspiration for The Curious Tale of Gabrielle. Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story? That’s how I come up with interview questions.

One day, I was sweeping by an old antique shop near where I worked in Portland, Maine, when I stumbled across a really cool silver bracelet. The shop owner told me that the bracelet was 500 years old and I remember thinking to myself WOW, 500 years, that’s a lot of dust under that rug!

 

What made you choose to write a fantasy novel? I always imagined brooms writing poetry about dust bunnies. 

Once upon a time, my people were a proud people. We danced with mice, we flooded vast castles with buckets of water and cast magic spells, so I just felt like fantasy was the way to go (for those of you who don’t know, that was a Fantasia reference).

Is it true that brooms like to push the boundaries and sometimes bristle at the sight of a dirty floor?

Sometimes a mess can prove a last straw, but in times like this you must push forward and trust that things will all pan out. As for pushing boundaries, I cannot confirm nor deny that this is a broom characteristic, however I have swept open several doorways in my day.

Is there a special broom in your life? Or are you currently unattached?

There is a special broom in my life, though sometimes, she may prove hard to handle, I wood like to spend the rest of my life in the broom closet with her (Beauty and The Beast innuendo intended).

What else have your wrote and have you ever been used in a synchronized broom dance?

Presently, I am working on two novels. The first is the second in the Gabrielle series and the second is a steampunk fantasy novel called Webley and The World Machine. I hope to have Gabrielle #2 available sometime this summer. As for Webley, although he is eager to grace the world with his presence, that will have to wait for another day.

What hobbies do you have? Are you a member of a curling team?

I am a card holding member of the North American Rub Beating Society and I volunteer with The Last Straw Broom Re-Bristling Charity. However, I like to spend the majority of my time, leaning up against the wall, threatening to fall over and pondering story ideas. Oh I also like to scare cats off of porches, when I’m feeling adventurous.

Do you have any advice for young brooms out there who might want to try their hand at writing?

Yes, I just want to say never give up on what you love, treat your creations like that unswept corner in a den, that hasn’t been touched in three years, pure and untainted. Try not to get swept up in the day to day, give yourself time to write and to think. Most importantly, never settle for anything less than what you want. Some might say that the floor isn’t clean enough, they may threaten to go out and get one of those fancy vacuums, but always stay true to yourself and your art…be proud of what you create.

Brain to Books Cyber Convention Author Interview – Lenita Sheridan


Car here. This is a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the 2016 Brain to Books Cyber Convention. (https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/154267-brain-to-books-cyber-convention-2016) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into assorted objects of their choice.

Today I am going to interview a very magical gauntlet that works if one has faith in a higher power, named Lenita Sheridan. When she isn’t turning princesses invisible, being pulled along on quests or being a model for armor polish, she’s a fantasy author.

Lenita

 

Guardian of the Gauntlet is a children’s book about a princess who is turned invisible by a special gauntlet. This gauntlet only works if one has faith in a higher power. After Prince Denir turns Princess Camari invisible with the gauntlet, she must find her own way back to visibility when the prince is called off to war. She must also outwit two wicked characters who connive to steal the gauntlet.

ggcover

Bio:

I have been writing since first grade when I wrote and illustrated a picture book. I decided to become a writer in fifth grade. My fifth grade teacher inspired me. She had us do a lot of writing. I wanted to be a science fiction writer at the time, like my grandfather Maxwell Sheridan who worked with Ray Bradbury and was published in the pulp science fiction magazines of his time.

 

I turned to fantasy in my twenties after reading Stephen Donaldson’s A Mirror of Her Dreams. Guardian of the Gauntlet was started during a snowstorm when school was closed (I was working as a substitute teacher). The book became my thesis as I was accepted into graduate school. I graduated with a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing.

 

I now live on Whidbey Island in Washington State and am completing the third book in the Guardian of the Gauntlet trilogy.

 

What made you start writing? As a magical gauntlet, I bet your writing was influenced by the many people who have worn you.

Not only have I been influenced by the people who have worn me, I have been influenced by my higher power who is the source of my “magic.”

 

How does a magical gauntlet write? Do you roll in a pool of ink and then slide yourself across a parchment? Fall onto a keyboard? Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

The gauntlet is meant to fit a hand. With that hand I can perform many sorts of writing. It is a bit more difficult typing it into a computer, but I manage.

Do you hang out with other magical objects and if so, what are they like?

I like to hang out with the sword from Tyrean Martinson”s book Champion. The sword is much like me, powered by faith, though in that book it is specifically powered by faith in God, not a higher power, like me.

 

Tell us about your inspiration for Guardian of the Gauntlet. Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story? That’s how I come up with interview questions.

I look to my higher power for inspiration. I am often sent that inspiration in the form of dreams.

 

What made you choose to write children’s fiction? I always imagined magical items writing how-to books for adventurers, as those on quests always seem to get themselves into trouble.

Actually the books I’m in are not just children’s fantasy, they are adventures with quests in them. The characters that join me on these quests do get themselves into trouble. As far as being for children, youngsters are often delighted to read a book about a special or “magical” gauntlet.

 

Is it true that magical gauntlets are able to fit into any situation like a glove and armor themselves for anything that happens?

I really have to depend on my wearer. He or she needs to have faith to make things happen with me. If my wearer has faith I can fit into any situation.

 

Is there a special gauntlet in your life? Or are you currently unattached?

I’m currently unattached, but would love to meet the gauntlet of my dreams.

 

What else have your wrote and how many times have people been kind enough to give you a good polish?

I have written three books total in the Guardian of the Gauntlet trilogy. The third book is in completion, but is not published yet. Many people have helped to give me a good polish: the professors at the University of Washington (for the first book) and the writers’ group on Whidbey Island (for the second two books). It makes me feel so shiny.

 

 

What hobbies do you have? Do you double as a prop for fantasy movies?

I like to ride horses and quinas (a cross between a mountain goat and a horse).  I enjoy hiking and love to cook and bake. I’ve never doubled as a prop for fantasy movies, but would love to try.

 

Do you have any advice for young magical gauntlets out there who might want to try their hand at writing?

Don’t be too stuck on your “magical” powers. Remember who created you. Look to your creator for inspiration. Above all, enjoy yourself. Life is too short to ruin it with worries. Rely on your higher power to get you through the messes in life.

Brain to Books Cyber Convention Author Interview – Heidi Angell


Car here. This is a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the 2016 Brain to Books Cyber Convention. (https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/154267-brain-to-books-cyber-convention-2016) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into assorted objects of their choice.

 

Today I am going to interview Heidi Angell, a bandolier that belongs to a woman named Fury. When she isn’t hanging on someone’s chest or holding a long string of knives, she’s the author of The Hunters.

bandolier-1

 

 

Book information:

The Hunters Amazon image

The Hunters is the first book in the series, and the second book comes out this summer. Fury and Havoc are the consistent characters, but the stories are always told from the perspective of their companions. In the Hunters, it is told from the perspective of Chris and Lucas, brothers who are fighting to defend their town from Vampires.

In The Hunted, it is told from the perspective of Lucas’ friend Screvin who was bitten by a werewolf, and Avie, the werewolf who bit him.

 

Bio:

Heidi Angell is a bibliophile, lexicomaniac and wordsmith! She is the author of The Hunters Series, The Clear Angel Chronicles, and The Hell School Series. She also created Royal Prince Vince, and Creative Exercises to Inspire.

When she is not reading and writing, she can be found spending quality time with her lovely family camping, hiking, swimming, or watching movies.  Learn more about her and her books at HeidiAngell.com

Heidi Angell’s Social Media Links

Facebook

Twitter @HeidiAngell

Heidi’s Blog

Google +

Pinterest

Linkedin

YouTube

 

 

What made you start writing? As a bandolier, I bet your writing was influenced by listening to the amusing stories the knives you hold like to tell.

Truth be told, Fury inspires a lot of the stories. She is a wild woman, let me tell you. A lot of sass, a lot of frass, and more than enough angst for anyone. Being her right hand companion puts me up close to the action, but I like to imagine how things must seem to the poor saps who she helps!

 

How does a bandolier write? Do you fill your knives with ink and then toss yourself into a fire? Poke your leather onto a keyboard? Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

Well, Fury is quite handy with the knives, and the blood is a convenient inkwell, though sometimes is can be corrosive, depending on what she has killed.

Do you hang out with other weapon accessories and if so, what are they like?

During down times, Havoc’s cross bow and I like to get massages. The sandpaper for his wood is not nearly as pleasant as the oil for my leather, though. We both resent the guns. They get a lot more use and their cleaning ritual is more frequent and more elaborate. Stupid guns!

Tell us about your inspiration for The Hunters. Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story? That’s how I come up with interview questions.

Sun is bad for leather, so definitely not. Fortunately, we mostly hunt Vamps, so I don’t spend a massive amount of time in the light. The Hunters was inspired by Fury and Havoc haunting the author’s dreams. They were annoyed with the pop culture idea that dangerous creatures like vampires, zombies, werewolves and witches were being turned into “boyfriend’ material for mortal humans! Would you date a shark? I think not.

What made you choose to write an Urban Fantasy novel? I always imagined bandoliers writing westerns. 

Ha, ha, what can I say, I am a complex bandoleer. I like to buck the system. I go where the story leads me, and that is a wild ride!

Is it true that bandoliers sometimes form bands just so they can make the pun Band-olier?

Lol, if I had time I definitely would. But who has time for bands when you have to fight the undead?

Is there a special bandolier in your life? Or are you currently unattached?

There is a very fancy Bandolier who has great multipurpose use! He and I have created a fantastic thigh holster and ankle holster!

 What else have your wrote and have you ever accidentally fallen off your human in what should be a tense moment?

I have a paranormal detective thriller series call The Clear Angel Chronicles, and man do I wish I could make an appearance there being used by Lt. Grant Anderson *swoons*.

I also have a literary stalker series, The Hell School Series, which would have been a much shorter story if Sam could use me… Just sayin’.

There are a couple of kid books, Royal Prince Vince and Creative Exercises to Inspire, for which I have no business being a part of but they were fun to write ;)

What hobbies do you have? Do you double as a razor strap in an old fashioned barber shop?

Bahaha! Nope, but I have been known to double for hiking gear and canteen attachment as I love the outdoors. I love to swim, but man is it hard on the leather.

Do you have any advice for young bandoliers out there who might want to try their hand at writing?

Life is tough, don’t take it too seriously. Before you know it, it will be over…. Possibly because of a vampire, werewolf, or zombie. Enjoy the time you have! 

Brain to Books Cyber Convention Author Interview – Kate M. Colby


Car here. This is a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the 2016 Brain to Books Cyber Convention. (https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/154267-brain-to-books-cyber-convention-2016) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into assorted objects of their choice.

 

Today I am going to interview Kate M. Colby, aka Charlie the mechanical frog. When she isn’t hopping around, being wound, or flirting with mechanical ducks, she’s the author of The Cogsmith’s Daughter.

Kate M. Colby

 

Book Title: The Cogsmith’s Daughter (Desertera #1)

The Cogsmith's Daughter - Ebook Small

Book Blurb

In a post-apocalyptic desert wasteland, one king rules with absolute power and unquenchable lust, until the cogsmith’s daughter risks everything for vengeance.

Two-hundred years ago, the steam-powered world experienced an apocalyptic flood. When the waters dried up, the survivors settled around their steamship in a wasteland they named Desertera. Believing the flood and drought were caused by a scorned goddess, the monarchs demanded execution for anyone who commits the unforgivable sin—adultery.

Today, King Archon entraps his wives in the crime of adultery, executing each boring bride to pursue his next infatuation. Most nobles overlook King Archon’s behavior, but when Lord Varick’s daughter falls victim to the king’s schemes, he vows revenge.

When Aya Cogsmith was a young girl, King Archon had her father executed for treason. Orphaned and forced to turn to prostitution for survival, Aya dreams of avenging her father’s death. When Lord Varick approaches Aya with plans for vengeance, she agrees to play the king’s seductress—even though it puts her at risk for execution.

Packed with high-society intrigue, dappled with seduction, and driven by revengeThe Cogsmith’s Daughter is a new adult steampunk dystopian novel with the perfect mixture of conspiracy and romance.

 

More about Charlie:

Aya Cogsmith’s father created Charlie for her when she was a child. Now that her father is dead, Aya clings to Charlie as one of the few pieces of her father she has left. Like people often do with living pets or stuffed animals, Aya talks to Charlie when they are alone. He rests next to her bed as she sleeps, then serves as her alarm clock. (She winds him every night, then he ‘wakes’ to croak and hop when it is time for Aya to rise.)

Central to Charlie’s movement is a very special cog, called the vortric cog. It is this cog that is behind the unfair execution of Aya’s father (see book blurb). Long story short, King Archon demanded that Master Cogsmith fix the prince’s mechanical pet bird. A vortric cog was required, but Master Cogsmith did not disclose that Charlie contained one. He was willing to die to hide the cog from the king, and the king was willing to kill for the cog. As of this point in the series, the importance of the cog remains a mystery to Aya – all she knows is that it is one-of-a-kind and that she must protect it as her father did.

 

Author Biography

Kate M. Colby is an author of science fiction, fantasy, and nonfiction. Her first series, Desertera, consists of steampunk dystopian novels with themes of socio-economic disparity, self-empowerment, romance, and revenge. She lives in the United States with her husband and furry children.

 

 

Where to Find The Cogsmith’s Daughter (Desertera #1):

Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/26499463-the-cogsmith-s-daughter

Amazon US: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B015TUD7WS

Amazon UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Cogsmiths-Daughter-Desertera-1-ebook/dp/B015TUD7WS

Barnes and Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-cogsmiths-daughter-kate-m-colby/1122713259

iBooks: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/id1043808485

Kobo: https://store.kobobooks.com/en-us/ebook/the-cogsmith-s-daughter-desertera-1

Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/580266

Signed paperback copies can be purchased directly from Kate here: http://katemcolby.com/books

 

Where to Find Kate:

Website: http://www.KateMColby.com

Amazon Author Profile: http://www.amazon.com/Kate-M.-Colby/e/B015UF01M6

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/KateMColby

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/AuthorKateMColby

Twitter (@KateMColby): http://www.twitter.com/KateMColby

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/KateMColby

Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/KateMColby

Google+: https://plus.google.com/+KateMColby

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/KateMColby

 

 

What made you start writing? As a mechanical frog, I bet your writing is influenced by the tiny 

mechanical flies you’ve caught over the years.

 

I’ve loved telling stories for as long as I can remember. As a young frog, I would get wound up and hop my way all over the house, imagining I was jumping on lily pads or chasing flies. I suppose that imaginative spirit always stuck with me.

 

How does a mechanical frog write? Do flick you metal tongue into ink and flick it at a stack of paper? Do you send coded messages to your owner in the forms of ribbits? Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

 

I have done the tongue-in-ink method before, but I found it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. My favorite way to write is using an ancient typewriter that my human, Aya, fixed. She’ll put in a piece of paper, and I’ll flick my tongue on the keys. When I reach the end of the page, I’ll let out a few croaks, and she’ll get me a new piece. It’s an expensive habit in Desertera, where paper is a scarce resource, but Aya indulges me.

 

Do you hang out with other mechanical items and if so, what are they like?

 

There are all kinds of mechanical objects lazing around in Aya’s workshop — from toys like me to music boxes to little engines. Most of them are sad and broken, but Aya’s doing her best to fix them.

 

Tell us about your inspiration for The Cogsmith’s Daughter. Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story? That’s how I come up with interview questions.

 

After everything Master Cogsmith and Aya have done to care for me, I felt like telling Aya’s story was the least I could do. Aya’s such an inspiring character — she’s brave and loyal and never gives up, even when all hope seems lost. I thought her quest for revenge and the lessons she learned along the way might inspire others who are down in the dumps.

 

What made you choose to write a steampunk novel? I always imagined mechanical frogs writing interactive fiction about the life of Kermit.   

 

Steampunk really chose itself. I kept looking around Desertera and thinking, “Man, if only we had enough water to create steam and power all these gadgets!” When Aya told me that most of the old ‘steampunk’ tales didn’t suffer from a lack of water, I knew I had a unique market. After all, what’s more troubling than ‘steampunk without steam?’

 

Is it true that mechanical frogs are likely to croak at any minute?

 

Oh, absolutely! All it takes is a bump or a nudge, and our winder will turn ever-so-slightly and send us croaking and hopping.

 

Is there a special mechanical frog in your life? Or are you currently unattached?

 

Actually, there’s a pretty mechanical bird in the palace that I fancy. It’s aiming high, I know, but I’ve always been a good leaper.

 

What else have you wrote and have you ever decided to find a nice electrical pond to settle down in?

 

Currently, I’m working on another novel about Desertera. However, I’ve also written several short nonfiction booklets, each packed with fiction writing prompts. I hope they inspire other writers. As for the electrical pond…well, I’ve got my gears crossed that one day I’ll get to take a nice oil bath to soothe my old cogs and screws.

 

What hobbies do you have? Are you a member of a mechanical animal a cappella group?

 

I think Aya would take out my voice mechanism if I tried to croak a tune! When I’m not writing, I enjoy going for long hops around the shop, modeling Aya’s talents for customers, and napping in her dressing trunk.

 

Do you have any advice for young mechanical frogs out there who might want to try their hand at 

writing?

 

​Don’t let anything stand in the way of your writing time — not reading, not friends and family, not other hobbies, not even yourself and your insecurity. To be a writer, the number one rule is that you must write (writing well will come with practice). If you make the time to do it, eventually, you will end up with a story. Also, ask your cogsmith to give you hands — I hear it’s much easier to type with fingers!​

Brain to Books Cyber Convention Author Interview – Ed Ireland


Car here. This is a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the 2016 Brain to Books Cyber Convention. (https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/154267-brain-to-books-cyber-convention-2016) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into assorted objects of their choice.

 

Today I am going to interview a silver and blue amulet named Ed Ireland. When he isn’t dangling around someone’s neck, glinting in the sun, or being used to hypnotize people in old movies from the thirties, he’s the author of Fire at Dawn.

authorpic3Ed

 

Book: Fire at Dawn https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20637250-fire-at-dawn

FireAtDawn3_lettering

Summary: It was an age of men and magic. Some men were good while some were not. The magic followed suit. An evil magic threatened to bring war and destruction to a time of peace. Good magic created the beings that had the only chance to repel that evil.

The Free People lived through a lifetime of chaos and emerged victorious. Their desire to be left alone was singular, their passion for peace unanimous. Their savagery to obtain what they wanted was legendary. If the lands and people are to survive, they would have to become the immovable object that stood before unstoppable force.

The marching armies of the clanspeople will have to overcome an assault by the vampire Queen and her minions in the forest of Wraithwood, traitors within both clan and family, a treacherous attack from a flanking army and the bigotry of the humans they rush to protect. While all this preys on the minds of Hellion and Fire, the love between their daughter and the human Prince of Dagor threatens to turn their world on end.

This story of gripping adventure, filled with paralleling tales of love and hatred, truth and lies, honor and disgrace cumulates in a final clash between Hellion and the evil Sage of Dagorath, an age-old tale of good vs. evil. But is either completely defined? Is the evil fueled by misunderstanding? What constitutes good? Judge for yourself, is Fire At Dawn a love story surrounded by acts of war or is it a war story surrounded by acts of love? In the end, Fire At Dawn is the story you want it to be.

 

Bio: Ed Ireland was born in Philadelphia on September 29, 1954. In January of 1955, the hospital he was born in was torn down. Presumably, they didn’t want anything like that happening again. His adolescence was shaped in Catholic school where the proper use of the common language was the only thing that mattered to the short but strong nuns.

In 1972 he joined the military where his wanderlust surfaced. He has since called many places home such as Texas, California, Nevada, Colorado, Pennsylvania New Jersey, New York and North Carolina while on his way to his current home in Miami, Florida. He claims his penchant for wandering is now at an end here in the shadows of Hemingway.

Along this great and wondrous trip, he has collected memories of some of the most beautiful scenery this country has to offer. He has also met a veritable kaleidoscope of colorful characters that make up the tapestry of his work. Along with his scenic visions, each character in his works carries some part of people he has known in his life, both good and bad.

On the personal side of his life, he is the proud father of two, a rabid Philadelphia Eagles fan, a self-confessed video game addict and a proud supporter of wildlife issues. His particular issue is support for the wolf programs across the country. He encourages support for these magnificent animals and donates a portion of each sale to Runningwiththewolves.org.

 

 

What made you start writing? As an amulet, I bet your writing was influenced by hanging, usually literally, around various people who enjoy nice jewelry.

I felt as if something was not quite right, like some part of my life was left dangling somewhere. I was a piece in a fantasy game and I had to provide stories from time to time. A few people read my work and said I should stick my neck out and roll out a book. I started writing Fire At Dawn and it was just horrible. But, the story was in my chain links by now and I had to get it out. I spent the next 20 years writing and re-writing that story over and over.

 

How does an amulet write? Do you press yourself into ink and then press on a sheet of paper like a stamp? Swing your chain onto a keyboard? Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

Well, I shouldn’t be saying this, but being a very ancient piece of merchandise, I picked up a few tricks for getting what I want. I live with this guy who likes to stop every so often and admire me. When he does, I set the blue stone at my center spinning. Being the dullard that he is, maybe 4 seconds later, he does whatever I ask. I just wish he could type faster.

 

Do you hang out with other pieces of jewelry and if so, what are they like?

My days of drooping down into a half-finished mug of hops are long gone. The problem was I didn’t know when to stop. Other medallions and amulets were quite content with the odd dunking here and there but not me…oh no, not me. I would droop and roll into every mug and puddle on the bar. Then one morning I woke up and found my chain entwined around a very large…large…ring. I was mortified! I felt like I needed to jump into a jewelry cleaner bottle. Since then, no more carousing for me.

 

Tell us about your inspiration for Fire at Dawn. Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story? That’s how I come up with interview questions.

One day I found myself tossed onto a pile of pictures. As the wind graciously moved them for me I saw one in particular. It was called “Spirit Hunter” by an artist named Christy Grandjean. It turns out that Ms. Grandjean was a very popular illustrator but she went by the name Goldenwolf. One glance at this art suddenly sprang a story to mind. That story grew and grew as I thought about it and there was a book. But the story didn’t stop there, it kept going. All of a sudden there was another book and the story still wasn’t done. It took 3 books to get the whole story out. I don’t look at art anymore.

 

What made you choose to write a fantasy novel? I always imagined amulets writing articles about the proper care of metal jewelry.  

Oh the choice was easy. Being from a very ancient time, the world I was forged in didn’t have explanations for things like we do now. Like what made the sun only rise during the day and why there was so much air. So they invented elaborate stories to explain stuff.  This way, even the dumbest among them would know. At least that’s what the aliens that were running the world back then said.

 

Is it true that amulets find themselves getting worn by the struggles of life, so they spend a lot of time hanging out?

Do you have any idea what it’s like to be hung every single day? It’s no picnic, let me tell you. I once belonged to a very large-bosomed lady who adored me. Great life right? Wrong! She had these great bazoombahs, but she also had these twin snot factories that hung from them like piñatas. These 2 rugrats tugged, twisted and yanked on me all day. And let’s not even talk about what happened when they got sick. Can you blame me for wanting to hang out elsewhere???

 

Is there a special amulet in your life? Or are you currently unattached?

Oh I have the cutest lil’ gold medallion that I like to snuggle up to. She’s always happy when I’m in the old jewelry box if you know what I mean. She’s got the prettiest heads and the sassiest tails. Both sides just knock my socks off…ummm…if I had a sock that is.

 

What else have your wrote and have you ever been stuck in a museum as an example of ancient adornments?

Besides the trilogy that begins with Fire At Dawn, I got simpleton to churn out 6 other books. He thinks he came up with these great ideas so I let him bask in the glow for now. And funny you should mention a museum since that’s where I found him. I had enough of being oogled day in and day out so I slipped off of my display and rolled out under a nearby bench. When he picked me up, I thought “Oh geez, I fell into the Neanderthal exhibit.” Imagine my surprise when he shoved me in his pocket and took me home. The things I saw in that pocket were disgusting!

 

What hobbies do you have? Do you get hired by celebrities for award ceremonies?

I was in showbiz at one time. I worked with all the big names…Monroe, Taylor, Bergman…yeah, Ernie Monroe was beloved in Mudshack, Georgia. Then one day I found myself working for some guy from Tupelo named Elvis. Apparently he was something else when he was young, but when he picked me up…well let’s just say those fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches were taking their toll. He still had a good voice, but I was swimming in sweat and tucked into a third chin roll. I was never more relieved to see those aliens again when they came for him that night.

 

Do you have any advice for young amulets out there who might want to try their hand at writing?

Absolutely! Don’t give up your daytime hangouts! This business will break your links, chip the gold plating off and even dislodge a gem or two. If you have a story stuck inside of your chain, give it to your worst enemy. Let them walk around talking to themselves, looking up ways to murder people on the computer and spend their weekends walking back and forth across the lawn in their boxers. Actually, that last part is fun. My doofus writer doesn’t get anything from it, but the looks the neighbors give him are priceless!

Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Star Search Wars


Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Star Search Wars

 

Cast

Ed McMahon – John Stamos

Han Solo – Justin Timberlake

Leia Organa – Miley Cyrus

Kylo Ren – Justin Bieber

Warning! A few major spoilers for the real movie below.

Everyone’s reviewing the new Star Wars movie, but no one’s reviewing the lesser known entry into the franchise (most likely because it doesn’t exist), a fun musical romp about a televised musical competition in a galaxy far, far away. It takes the characters from Star Wars and gives them to actors who are able to bring forth a side we’ve never been allowed to see of them before: that of pop-stars.

The story follows Han, Leia and their son, Ben, who travel the galaxy after the fall of the Empire as a musical group called Who Shot First? After spending some time getting trained by his uncle Luke to use the force as auto-tune, Ben decides to betray the family band and start his own solo career under the name Kylo Ren.

After that, Luke moves to a remote planet and became a crazy cat Jedi, while Kylo Ren tops the charts with his song, “Vader Swish,” a touching tribute to his grandfather and his awesome choice in capes. Leia and Han attempt to keep the original group together, but they eventually leave the music business behind and return to the dull worlds of resistance fighters and smugglers.

Several years later, Ed McMahon calls them all together as judges for the new season of the galactic broadcast of Star Search, a show where contestants sing, dance, or juggle light sabers to win a prize of 10,000 space pounds, which is actually quite a lot of money since the quantum franc collapsed.

Tensions run high when they all get together for filming the first episide and Kylo Ren challenges his parents to a sing off on live television. This results in a fierce song and dance battle, with plenty of smoke machines and pyrotechnics, as each person sings their heart out. Quite literally for Han, who has a heart attack and falls from the stage.

The movie ends with the canceling of the rest of the season of Star Search and having it replaced with a game show called ‘What’s my Wookiee Anyway?’ where contestants have to perform improv to entertain their wookiee host, or risk having their arms ripped from their sockets.

If you want to know what this movie would be like if it were real, find old clips online of Star Search and watch them on your phone while viewing The Force Awakens in the theater.