Interview with Maggie Fiske – Wicked Women Writers series

Car here. This is the last in a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the Wicked Women Writers challenge. (http://horroraddicts.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/wicked-women-writers-challenge/) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into various assorted objects.

Hello… Today I am going to interview a very talented Ouija board named Maggie Fiske.  When she isn’t answering question about John Lennon’s favorite snack (HogLumps) or revealing that someone’s future career is going to be shoe shining (MileyCyrus), she’s busy with her involvement in the Wicked Women Writers competition.  Her entry is titled, “A Quarrel for Jimmy-Lee Killscrow”—which is a happy tale of amputation, revenge and zombies.

Maggie Fiske has been declared the winner of the Wicked Women’s Writers competition! Congrats Maggie!

What made you start writing?  As a Ouija board, did constantly writing answers to teenager’s questions factor in to your decision to write on your own?

It was either writing, or total psychic meltdown.  MUZAZX39IIPQ6.  Sorry, I tend to spell gibberish when I’m riled.  After the nine millionth time some stupid kid asks how I died it’s easy to get cranky.  Writing offers a release.  Otherwise, I’m going to jack-smack the next juvenile that wants to know the winning Powerball numbers for Wednesday’s jackpot.

How does a Ouija board write?  Do you make your glass piece move during a question and then add, “Make sure to write this down for me” at the end?  Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

I have a couple of techniques.  One involves spelling out chapters as answers.  When lil’ MaKenzie asks if she’ll marry Bubba, she gets five pages of my prose instead.  When the girls get distracted by incoming texts, I push the transcriptions in my box.  (You’re right, that does sound bad).  Another trick involves poking a gel pen through the window on my planchette.  But if you don’t have a twelve foot sheet of paper, the writing gets all cramped up and scribbley.  I once wrote a novel on a single sheet of notebook paper.  It was a damned mess.

Have you ever accidentally spelled out fart instead of heart during an answer and how does that affect your confidence as a Ouija board?

Yepper’s.  Spell-Check sucks!  When you tell someone that, “Kenny loves you with all his fart,” it just ruins your credibility.  One time I told a grandma that she would die at McDonald’s tomorrow.  Of course I meant “dine.”  It’s not my fault that the bus route to BINGO runs past the Golden Arches.  I am not financially responsible for her fatal coronary, likely triggered by the hideous Burger Clown statue that’s welded onto the bus bench.  Oops.

Tell us about your inspiration for “A Quarrel for Jimmy-Lee Killscrow.”  Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story.  That’s how I come up with interview questions.

More like staring into the moon until I nod off.  My inspiration came from the true story of Mary Vincent, who was horribly mutilated at a time when I was also hitchhiking.  Her story has haunted me for years.  You can read more about Mary at www.seattlepi.com/news/article/A-victim-a-survivor-an-artist-1106335.php

What made you turn to dark fiction?

Try spending six years stuffed in a closet with a stack of romance novels.  Something inside you just snaps.

I always figured Ouija boards would burn out from a lifetime of being used in spooky surroundings and answering questions from long dead celebrities.  If they wrote, I always figured it would be bright stories about kittens and knitting manuals.

I’ve tried to be upbeat, but the dark side always seems to intrude.  Case in point, my first novel, “Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, Little Ball of Death.”  –(Whenever Mittens gets the cat crazies, the death toll skyrockets).  Recently I got a craft piece published on how to crochet a body bag using old t-shirts.

Is it true that Ouija boards don’t have a ghost of a chance of scaring up good trance techno music?

True dat.  We’re way more into Death Metal and morbid cello solos.

Is there a special YES in your life?  Or are you currently unattached?

NO.  For a while I dated a dashing chess board, until I found out he had a checkered past.  Today I’m a free spirit.

What else have you wrote and how many questions have you answered?

My bibliography includes….   ­­­“Lay Your Hands On Me—The Nearly Non-Pornographic Guide to Talking Spirit Boards,” my memoir “Ask Me That Again and I’ll Jack-Smack You,” and “The Hunger Dames” a YA series about flesh-munching ghoul gals that compete in a futuristic Zombielympics.

My query count stands at more than two, less than a billion.

What hobbies do you have?

I collect dust.

Do you spend your time as a substitute See ‘n Say?

Thanks for the tip, Car.  I could be the next Fisher-Price Oracle in durable plastic!  I can see it now.  “The Werewolf says… Arooooooooo!”

Part-time jobs never work out for me.  Awhile back, I briefly moonlighted in a Chinese laundry.  Every time somebody ironed a shirt on me, three people died.

Do you have any advice for young Ouija boards out there who might want to try their hand at writing?

Sure.  Just write down every letter till you make a book.

                             GOOD BYE

 

Interview with Chantal Boudreau – Wicked Women Writers series

Car here. This is a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the Wicked Women Writers challenge. (http://horroraddicts.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/wicked-women-writers-challenge/) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into various assorted objects.

 

Hello, today I am going to interview a very talented fishhook, named Chantal Boudreau. When she isn’t being used as a slingshot, acting as tubing for equipment or cutting pieces of herself off for washers, she’s an author/illustrator and member of the Horror Writers Association. Her works include the Fervor series, Masters & Renegades series and many more. (http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4446228.Chantal_Boudreau https://www.facebook.com/pages/Chantal-Boudreau-WriterIllustrator/107318919341178.) She’s currently involved in the Wicked Women Writers competition, with her entry titled On a Wing and a Prayer, about a battle between pregnant woman and pilot for the last parachute in an EMP blast-disabled plane. I think I dreamed something like it once, but the pregnant woman was a spider, the plane was a flying shoe and the EMP blast was a burst of chocolate lightning. So, not like it at all, actually. (http://horroraddicts.wordpress.com/2013/09/07/www-contestant-4-chantal-boudreau/)

 

What made you start writing? As rubber tubing, I bet you had a lot of possible choices for your future career.

Too many…I’m multi-purpose.  But as flexible as I am, I still had to commit to something, so I went with writing (and accounting).

 

How does rubber tubing write? Do you fill one end of yourself with ink and pour onto a piece of paper? Do you tie yourself to a slingshot and fire rocks at a keyboard? Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

I dangle from the ceiling fan weighed down by heavier objects and collide with the keyboard as required.  I rub off some of the letters as a result.  “H” and “N” are completely gone, “L” and “C” are mostly missing, and “E,” ”A” and “S” are fading fast.

 

Have you ever been used for draining a wound and how does that affect your confidence as rubber tubing?

Oh goobers no – I hate blood, especially the pus-riddled kind.  No – I stick to red wine.

 

Tell us about your inspiration for On a Wing and a Prayer. Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story? That’s how I come up with interview questions.

I wanted to be involved in geology/mining since I was just sludge in a mould.  Given the location, disaster and handicap, the story just sort of gelled (like that sludge).  I try to avoid hanging out in bright sunlight.  It might melt my edges.

 

 

What made you turn to dark fiction? I always imagined rubber tubing being pretty flexible, with so many options for careers that novels would never enter their minds. If they wrote, I always figured it would be lyrics to upbeat dance tunes.

Like I said earlier…I am flexible.  Horror is only one of many genres I’ve dabbled in.  And I have written lyrics before and even sold songs.  One of the songs with my lyrics, written in French, was sold to George Hamel, a Quebecois country singer.  I don’t think it would qualify as an upbeat dance tune, though.

 

Is it true that rubber tubing has a lot of pull and can stretch out ideas in a way that blow people’s minds?

It is true, and I’m not stringing you along.

 

Is there a special tube in your life? Or are you currently unattached?

A tube and a couple of extensions.  We have a real connection.

 

What else have your wrote and how many products have been made by cutting off pieces of you?

It’s pretty extensive at this point.  You can find the list here: http://chantellyb.wordpress.com/about-me/ .   And isn’t writing all about cutting off pieces of yourself?

 

What hobbies do you have? Do you double as a slingshot or a fish a polespear?

I like to garden, I’m great at irrigation, and swimming, although really it’s all about floating.  I double as a slingshot if someone really pisses me off.

 

Do you have any advice for young rubber tubing out there who might want to try their hand at writing?

Read everything you can get your hands on, and practice whenever you can. Remember, it’s all about honing your craft.

Interview with Julianne Snow – Wicked Women Writers Challenge series

Car here. This is a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the Wicked Women Writers challenge. (http://horroraddicts.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/wicked-women-writers-challenge/) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into various assorted objects.

Today, today I am going to interview a very talented gravy boat named Julianne Snow. She is the author of the Days with the Undead series. She writes within the realms of speculative fiction and has roots that go deep into horror. Julianne has pieces of short fiction in publications from Sirens Call Publications, Open Casket Press, James Ward Kirk Publishing and Hazardous Press as well as the forthcoming shorts in anthologies from 7DS Books, Phrenic Press, and the Coffin Hop charity anthology Death by Drive-In. Look for parts in a number of collaborative projects to be announced shortly.

Her entry into the Wicked Women Writers challenge is Not All Jacks Are Created Equal. (http://horroraddicts.wordpress.com/2013/09/07/www-contestant-9-julianne-snow/) It’s about one night stands, finding oneself naked on a train and drinking troubles away with a bottle of whiskey while a volcano sends molten death. It sounds like a typical Saturday for me, except for the volcano part.

 

You can stalk her at these handy locations:

Twitter: @CdnZmbiRytr

Facebook: Julianne Snow

FB Fan Page: Julianne Snow, Author

Amazon Author Page: Julianne Snow

Blogs: Days with the Undead & The FlipSide of Julianne

 

As a gravy boat, you probably had dreams of someday becoming a real boat. What made you start writing instead?

I’ve never secreted any lofty dreams of becoming a real boat – it’s just not in my nature. But I knew from the moment I was just a small lump of clay that I had the writing big within me. I had dreams that I might have been a mug or a teapot; something that writers need. But in the end, I was formed into a humble gravy boat. And I’ve never looked back. As for what made me start writing, it was to fulfill the empty whole in my being, the one occasionally filled with gravy.

 

How does a gravy boat write? Do you pour gravy onto a table cloth, turning the swirls into words? Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

I have tried to pour the words out myself, but I have horrible penmanship. I spend much of my time in the china hutch in the dining room and I’m lucky enough to share it with an antique typewriter who loves to cuddle with some sweet white porcelain once in a while. In exchange for a few cuddles, he’s agreed to transcribe my stories for me.

 

I know this may be a sensitive subject, but I heard that you have a crack. Does this affect your confidence as a gravy boat?

Who told you?? Why I cannot believe you would think it was appropriate to ask me such a question! I am a lady after all! *harrumph*

Tell us about your inspiration for Not All Jacks Are Created Equal. Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story? That’s how I come up with interview questions.

My inspiration was born when I needed to find a way to weave a super volcano, a bottle of jack Daniels, a commuter train and being naked together. It took me a few weeks to come up with a plausible storyline, but once the idea came to me, I scraped what I had already written, snuggled up to Remington and let my imagination weave it’s magic.

What made you turn to dark fiction? I always imagined gravy boards being more adventurous yet classy, dreaming about being magical pirate ships stealing the world’s supply of magical brown elixir. If they wrote, I always figured it would be epic historical fantasies.

The life of a gravy boat is dark to begin with. We’re the vessel of oily, but delicious, sludge – that can’t truly be good for anyone. And to be honest, we’re only ever taken out of ‘hiding’ during special occasions. Would you blame us for being a little harder than most of the other utensils?

 

Is it true that gravy boats are easily bowled over and can’t quite get a handle on the meat of a situation?

Who have you been talking to? Someone might need to take an unfortunate fall the next time we’re all on the dish rack…

 

Is there a special ladle in your life? Or are you currently unattached?

I wouldn’t call myself attached and I would never date a ladle if they were the last utensil in the drawer. Remington satisfies most of my desires at the moment so I’m fairly happy with my life. I do wish however that I could just once have a turn in the dishwasher. But I’m just not dishwasher-safe. I swear though, I can be trusted not to break if you just gave me the chance…

 

What else have you written and how many pieces of meatloaf have you aided in flavor?

Oh josh, I’ve written tons of stories! You can find my bibliography at http://theflipsideofjulianne.wordpress.com/bibliography though I do write under a pseudonym. As for meatloaf, I try not to associate with the seedier side of the meat world. I prefer to socialize with turkey, roast beef and lamb. Sometimes I’ll hang out with a flavourful pork roast but that’s not all that often.

 

What hobbies do you have? Do double as a dribble glass or a set piece in still lives?

I’ve tried to master other hobbies like soccer, cross-stitching and taxidermy, but nothing gives me the same joy as writing. I’m happy with my simple life.

 

Do you have any advice for young gravy boats out there who might want to try their hand at writing?

Find yourself a typewriter and get acquainted with it. It’s the only way to learn.

Interview with Killion Slade – Wicked Women Writers Challenge series

Car here. This is a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the Wicked Women Writers challenge. (http://horroraddicts.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/wicked-women-writers-challenge/) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into various assorted objects.

Hello, today I am going to interview a self-aware avatar from the online world Second Life, named Killion Slade. For most avatars, they stop living once the control is gone, like puppets. Killion comes alive whenever her user logs out, like a sci-fi version of Toy Story. She’s managed to win last Year’s Wicked Women Writers challenge (http://horroraddicts.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/wicked-women-writers-challenge/) and co-write and publish several short stories with her husband avatar. (http://www.killionslade.com/about-author-killion-slade/)

What made you start writing? As an avatar, I bet it’s taboo in your culture to take any sort of initiative.

Actually you’d be surprised.  Most of us carry on with our lives and have even more fun after our users log off.  They log off and we start the party!  Often times when they log on – it completely interrupts our life and we have to go play with others we might not necessarily like 😛

How does an avatar write? Do you try and possess your user and get them to write for you? Or is there another way to be able to put words to paper/screen?

I’ve tried to possess my user a few times – not pretty.  She has learned to log in and find little tid bit of goodies I leave behind for her.  We have this elves in the workshop thang going on 😉

Have you ever accidentally experienced a lagged based wardrobe malfunction and how does that affect your confidence as an avatar?

Oh heavens yes!  I’ll forget this one time, I was dancing at Frank’s place to some Rat Pack and my hair suddenly disappeared!  I was so incredibly embarrassed.  My dancing partner seemed a bit taken aback, so I blamed it on the lag.  There’s a couple of times it has taken my clothes to rez so I’ll be standing around naked until they finally decide to follow me in world.

 

Tell us about your inspiration for the current novel you are working on. Did it involve staring into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story? That’s how I come up with interview questions.

Well my friends, Lady Cazenove and Roxas Morgwain, are always talking about their vampire world, blood orchards, dhampir armies, and dragons.  I decided to sit down with them and write out their stories.  Since we started writing, we have cast parties here in Second Life and enjoy blocking out the scenes and dressing up for the events.  Check out these fun photos we shot during our last party!

 

What made you turn to dark fiction? I always imagined avatars being more service based, intent on following the orders of their master. If they wrote, I always figured it would be philosophical treatises on not having control of one’s life. Or maybe the opposite, a manifesto about ending user oppression.

I know some avatars feel that way – but I am very happy to have the user I do.  She’s great to me.  Puts me to bed after a long night of playing.  I have a beautiful house and boat ona sim where I can run on the beach and ski in the mountains.  I leave her notes on where I want to go, and poof! she takes me there.  I love the darker side of everything.  Light is great, but it only illuminates what is already in the dark!

 

Is it true that avatars have virtually indestructible personalities that allows the world to byte them in the behind?

It is true!  However – some users can be cruel and kill off an avatar or leave them in the virtual closet for too long.  But for the most part – we can have anything happen to us.  Blow us up with poisonous daggers of teeth, cut off our body parts – no worries – we’ll just rez back another one. 

 

Is there a special avatar in your life? Or are you currently unattached?

Absolutely!  I wouldn’t be complete without my partner Mrs. Killion Slade.  We partnered back in April of 2008 and have never looked back.

 

What else have you written and how long have you been self-aware?

I have been self aware since November 2007.  It wasn’t until Cheyenne came around three years ago that I began to seriously write the story.  Now we are four books in and looking to publish this December to debut series.

 

What hobbies do you have? Have you become a HAL 9000/SkyNet cross that will take over the world when we aren’t looking?

I have been learning how to program and create holographic characters to co-exist with us.  Currently PADME is my project – Personal Automated Domicile Management Executive – no home or sim should be without one.

Do you have any advice for young avatars out there who might want to try their hand at writing?

If you have a story – write it down.  Even if you don’t publish it, write the story down.  You never know how long your user will be around, so get to it.  Put butt in chair and write 🙂

Interview with Amy K. Marshall – Wicked Women Writers Challenge Series

Car here. This is a series of interviews I’m doing for my author, Rebekah Webb, for the participants of the Wicked Women Writers challenge. (http://horroraddicts.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/wicked-women-writers-challenge/) Since I only interview inanimate objects, I have used the power of booze and lack of sleep to transform my interviewees into various assorted objects.

Hello, today I am going to interview a very talented fishhook, named Amy K. Marshall. When she isn’t dangling from lines, luring fish with tasty morsels dangling from her head, she’s the Library Director of Craig, Alaska and author of dark fiction novels such as The Fishing Widow and In Dark Places (http://www.akmarshall.com.) She’s currently involved in the Wicked Women Writers competition, with her entry titled Paternoster, which a type of elevator and not a British father who eats too much, as I first thought when I misread it as Pater Nosher.

What made you start writing? As a fish hook, I bet your parents expected

you to go into the family business.

 

I’ve always been a rebel. I mean, yeah, I’ve got friends and family in the

“family business,” but I never really had the stomach for it. Days on a

boat, someone jabbing herring up your … well … you get the idea. And then

hours in the water waiting for .. what? Some freakishly huge floppy cold

thing to eat you? A life spent poking fish just wasn’t what I wanted. So I

slipped off the line, well, gangion. My cousin thought I was nuts–was

sure I’d get caught and they’d make an example out of me, or worse. But I

caught on a greenhorn’s raingear and he didn’t notice. Took awhile, but I

ended up in a drawer in the galley and then up in the wheelhouse. Hell,

I’m sure everyone looked at me at least once and thought, “Sheesh, I need

to get that back in the gear box,” but it never happened. So, I hung out

in the wheelhouse and listened… Then I thought, well, this is too good to

NOT figure out how to write down. So, it was trying to figure out how to

write it down…

 

 

How does a fish hook write? Do you dip your hook into a bucket of ink or

poke at a keyboard? Or is there another way to be able to put words to

paper/screen?

 

Well … that takes sacrifice. Of course, not on MY part, but on the crew’s

part. I had to lay in wait and hope I didn’t forget what I wanted to

write. I’d slide inside a drawer or under a piece of paper or coffee mug…

and when one of the crew would slide a hand or something by, then WHAM!

I’d hear “SOM’BITCH!” or something like that, and they’d be hoppin’ around

like a lunatic. Of course, they’d bleed. That’s my ink. I’d have to work

fast and get it all down.

* *

 

Have you ever accidentally picked up a boot and how does that affect your

confidence as a fish hook?

 

Yeah, well, that CAN be a confidence-buster. There’s so much stuff in the

ocean to snag on, it would blow your mind, you know? Boots, bottles,

plastic crap, other fishing gear that’s been lost at sea–you know if

takes 450 YEARS for fishing line to go away if it’s been lost at

sea??–sometimes it’s a wonder when you can hook a fish! We try to joke

about it when stuff like that happens–like, Hey! Mike! Nice six-pack! Ha

ha ha!! Ah…gets me every time… Then, of course, we can blame the skipper

for setting gear in a crap spot. That can make us feel better, too.

 

Tell us about your inspiration for Paternoster. Did it involve staring

into the sun until the afterimages turned into an interesting story? That’s

how I come up with interview questions.

 

You mean .. the result of reflection or somethin’? Get it? I’m metal, I’m

reflective and … well … never mind. One of the crew was talkin’ about how

there were no elevators on the island we were putting in to and how that

was so backwards–not at all like some of the larger places we go. Pater

Noster is also an “Our Father,” thing. My cousin Millicent is on a crabber

with a priest who fishes (don’t laugh, it happens). Then again, life as a

fish hook has its ups and downs, you know? We’re on a 4-hour delay

elevator. They toss us over and we sink DOWN and 4 hours later, pull the

line and haul us UP. Not much of a stretch to go from that to an elevator.

I guess I don’t see the appeal for humans…

* *

 

What made you turn to dark fiction? I always imagined fish hooks being

more down home, preferring to hang around in a quiet pond. If they wrote, I

always figured it would be travel brochures or farmer’s almanacs.

 

You can’t believe what’s down there in the deepest deeps. Strange-ass fish

(I can say “strange-ass,” right?) and you’re helpless, just lyin’ there

and waiting. And THEN, on the way up, the stuff you’ve gotta dodge and

pray doesn’t take you out… ! Seals and killer whales and LARGER whales all

goin’ after the line. I mean, one bite and you’re OUTTA here and lost and

gone … forever. No family, no friends. I can tell you the screams we hear

on the line when that happens–that God-awful jerk and then someone you

know is whirling off into the unknown. Man .. you’ll never see ‘em again.

That’s being helpless. And you just grab on with the hook and pray you’re

not next… It’s experiences like THAT that make dark fiction writing easy.

All that writing from experience, I guess.

* *

 

Is it true that fish hooks have a certain allure that slowly reels people

in and then hooks them with sharp witted lines?

 

Cheeky. Yeah, well, I can hook you because I’m the purest form of gambling

there is. Pretty cheap to get into and the rewards are HUGE if you do it

right. People see that curve, that barb, and they think, all fish’ll go

for this. How hard can it be? And then they bait up and spend DAYS out

trying to pull up fish and gaff ‘em and cut ‘em…and then they find that

making a living like that ISN’T as easy as they thought. But, by then,

we’re like the purest drug. There’s that rush of adrenalin when a

fighter’s on the line and you and your human are working so hard to pull

it into the boat.  Yeah … that’s a keeper!

* *

 

Is there a special rod in your life? Or are you currently unattached?

 

I’ve sworn off rods, personally. I’m a gangion kind of guy.

* *

 

What else have you written and how many fish have you caught?

 

I’m trying my hook at poetry. I figure, there are those “Fisher Poets” who

meet in Astoria, Oregon every year, and I think they should cut a hook a

break, you know? I mean, who would know more about poetry and fish than a

hook who’s been there and done that? Of course, I don’t have the t-shirt….

And how many fish? Honestly, I’ve lost count, but it’s hundreds. It’s what

happens when they keep throwing you back in the water. It’s why I hooked

the greenhorn. I figured my luck was running out, so I’d better stay

topside and get some of my experiences written down before it’s too late!

* *

 

What hobbies do you have? Do you shark fish on the side or double as a

towel hook?*

 

Hobbies? Well …. Sometimes the deck boss cleans his fingernails with me.

*shudders* But I wouldn’t call that a hobby.

* *

 

Do you have any advice for young fish hooks out there who might want to

try their hand at writing?

 

Greenhorns are the surest supply of blood. They’re awkward and rushed

because they want to impress the deck boss, but, they never learn that

when they do that, they screw up. I got more blood — er — ink — from

the last greenhorn who crewed with us because he couldn’t bait up to save

his life. If you have friends or family on the boat, tell them your plans

to write so they can help out in the blood collection. It saves time and

you can write more.

* *

Interview with a Toilet Brush

Okay, here’s another inanimate object interview:

Car: So, Mr. Toilet Brush, what may I call you/

Toilet Brush: TB is fine.

Car: Okay TB, what can you tell me about being a toilet brush?

Toilet Brush: It’s an amazing job! I consider myself a champion against the scourge of germs.

Car: Really?

Toilet Brush: Of course. Do you know how dirty a toilet is? It’s a festering cesspit of disease and grime!

Car: But I flush mine everyday.

Toilet Brush: That doesn’t properly banish the evil denizens of your waste, Car. Which is why I’m glad you use me in your fight against filth. I just wish you wouldn’t swing me around when you pretend to be “king of the bathroom.”

Car: But I disinfect you before I do that!

Toilet Brush: I know, but it’s highly humiliating. Here I am, a soldier on the front lines of toilet warfare, being treated like a prop.

Car: I’m sorry, TB. I won’t do it again in the future. Can you tell me a bit about the life of a toilet brush? Do your people have genders?

Toilet Brush: We were built for one thing and one thing only. Toilet brushes have no need for genders.

Car: So, you guys aren’t male or female?

Toilet Brush: I said we have no need for genders, not that we don’t have them. It’s just really hard to tell us apart. I’m male, but the way.

Car: What about family life?

Toilet Brush: We are trained from a young age by our commanding officers, the bleach and cleaning solutions that sacrifice their lives to destroy the filth. – At this moment, TB wiped a tear from the tip of his brush. – All those brave souls, weakening the enemy so we can scrub them away.

Car: I’m sure they are very brave. Can you tell me about your down time? I mean, what games do you play with other toilet brushes when you aren’t scrubbing away disease?

Toilet Brush: What kind of insulting question is that? I sit here, telling you about liquids braver than either of us will ever be and you ask me what kinds of games I play? I’m sorry, but this interview is over.

I tried to reengage the toilet brush, but he remained silent. So, I made myself feel better by playing “king of the bathroom” and swung TB around like a scepter. I know I promised not to, but it was just too much fun and “king of the bathroom” wasn’t the same without it.

Interview with a Beer Bottle

I’ve decided to do another inanimate object interview. This time, I will interview a beer bottle and video tape it to make sure I get the transcript as accurate as possible.

 

Interview with a Beer Bottle

Car: So, what can I call you?

Beer Bottle: Party!!!!!

Car: You want me to call you Party?

Beer Bottle: No! Party!!!!! Party!!!!! Party!!!!!

Car: We can party later. Right now we’re having an interview.

Beer Bottle: Awwww. Okay. What do you want to know?

Car: Well, first what would you like to be called?

Beer Bottle: Awesome Sauce Supreme!

Car: Okay, Mr. Supreme. What’s it like being a beer bottle?

Beer Bottle: It’s epic! I get to turn men into gods and party! Party!!!! Can we party now?

Car: Not yet, Mr Supreme. Do beer bottles have genders?

Beer Bottles: Is there a girl beer bottle around? Mine!

Car: No, there isn’t, but I’ll let you know if one shows up. What do you think the main purpose of being a beer bottle is?

Beer Bottle: To party!!!! I’m filled with liquid cool! Drink me! Drink me! Drink me!

Car: Well, okay. I am a little parched. -At this time I grabbed Mr. Supreme and downed his contents pretty quickly. I was still thirsty, so I grabbed a couple of his friends out of the fridge and started to drink them as I continued the interview.-

Beer Bottle: I feel… empty. What’s the point of my life anyway?

Car: -After waiting to finish another beer.- I… don’t know. Maybe you’re an alien trapped in bottle form.

Beer Bottle: That’s absurd. I’m just a mass of shaped glass, a former container for an inebriating liquid.

Car: Huh? Is it getting hot in here? I need another beer.

Beer Bottle: It is quite chilly, Car. Please be careful. Too much of us can cause a lack of judgement.

Car -After finishing a third beer- Too much awesome, you mean! Beer rocks! Let’s go get chicks!

Beer Bottle: I have no legs, Car. I cannot go get chicks. Besides, you’re engaged.

Car: Oh yeah. Then let’s party!

Beer Bottle: You’ll need some of my full friends for that, I’m afraid. My partying days are over.

Car: Awwwwwww. -At this point, I grabbed three more beers out of the fridge and started drinking.- I have a ques…tion. Do you… ever… drink… yourself?

Beer Bottle: That’s impossible, but I seem to absorb the essence of my liquid center as long as it’s withen me.

Car: Aweshum! Let’s party!

Beer Bottle: I already told you Car, my partying days are over.

Car: Party!!!!!

After that, I blacked out and found myself face down in a pile of cardboard boxes. After reviewing the video, I found that I had raided the garage of Halloween decorations, called myself the Pumpkin King and dressed in a fairy princess costume Candy had left in one of the boxes. After cleaning up, I but Mr. Supreme and his empty friends into the garbage and took two aspirin, which gave me an idea for my next interview.

Contest closes tomorrow! Plus, an interview with a box of crayons.

There’s one more day in the contest for the world’s stupidest business ideas! If you want to get your entries in before voting starts, be sure to get them in before the November 17, 12:59 pm pst deadline.

I’ve decided to try and become an investigative reporter, so I’m going to practice my interviewing skills on common household items. I’ll have to answer the questions for them, since common household items don’t have the capacity for speech (as far as I know.) This is just practice for when I start talking to actual human interviewees.

Interview

Car: I’m here with a box of generic crayons. He’s brand new and holds four multiple colored crayons. So, Mr. Crayon box, how does it feel being a generic brand? Is it hard on your self esteem?

Crayon Box: First of all, I’m a female box of crayons. And to answer your question, it’s extremely hard on my self esteem to not have a well know name printed on my head. It’s also hard just being a small box of crayons. Those fancy 64 crayon boxes are always pushing me around. Hell, even the 24s, the16s and the 8s give me a hard time.

Car: I’m sorry to hear that. And I apologize for mistaking your gender. Is there a way to tell if a crayon box is male or female?

Crayon Box: Don’t worry about it. Only crayons boxes can tell the difference. It has to do with the way our boxes smell. And yes, crayon boxes do have noses. They’re part of our print.Only other crayons can see them.

Car: Interesting. So tell me, what exactly are your relationship to your crayons? Are they your children?

Crayon Box: Of course not! Crayon boxes give birth to other crayon boxes. Crayons are our tenants.

Car: Tenants? Do you get payed rent?

Crayon Box: Rent is a human term. Crayon Boxes are rented out in the factory. We have no say in the matter and receive no pay for our services. We are born to be boxes for crayons. It’s in our blood… well, in our cardboard.

Car: What happens to a crayon box after all the crayons have been used up?

Crayon Box: That’s a sensitive subject for us boxes. After the crayons are gone, we’re just tossed in the trash. Sometimes we’re tossed in the trash before the crayons have even been used! Kids may abuse their crayons, but it’s out of love. We’re torn up, tossed on the ground and stuffed in waste baskets, not out of love, but out of disrespect. We carry all those crayons safely to the hands of children and even adults across the world and all we have to show for it is mangled cardboard and a life rotting in a landfill.

-At this moment the crayon box made a sniffling sound.- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so emotional.

Car: That’s quite okay. I just have one more question and you can go back to your drawer. If you could be anything in the world, what would you be?

Crayon Box: A crayon box. It’s the best job in the world. I just wish we got more respect.

Car: Thank you for your time, Miss Crayon Box. I hope the world learns from what you’ve told us today.

Note:

Miss Crayon Box will not be available for any more interviews. Shortly after this was recorded, I gave her to my niece for her birthday. After a series of cardboard related mishaps, Miss Crayon box now resides in a landfill on the outskirts of town and is not in the condition to answer any more questions.