Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Star Search Wars

Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Star Search Wars

 

Cast

Ed McMahon – John Stamos

Han Solo – Justin Timberlake

Leia Organa – Miley Cyrus

Kylo Ren – Justin Bieber

Warning! A few major spoilers for the real movie below.

Everyone’s reviewing the new Star Wars movie, but no one’s reviewing the lesser known entry into the franchise (most likely because it doesn’t exist), a fun musical romp about a televised musical competition in a galaxy far, far away. It takes the characters from Star Wars and gives them to actors who are able to bring forth a side we’ve never been allowed to see of them before: that of pop-stars.

The story follows Han, Leia and their son, Ben, who travel the galaxy after the fall of the Empire as a musical group called Who Shot First? After spending some time getting trained by his uncle Luke to use the force as auto-tune, Ben decides to betray the family band and start his own solo career under the name Kylo Ren.

After that, Luke moves to a remote planet and became a crazy cat Jedi, while Kylo Ren tops the charts with his song, “Vader Swish,” a touching tribute to his grandfather and his awesome choice in capes. Leia and Han attempt to keep the original group together, but they eventually leave the music business behind and return to the dull worlds of resistance fighters and smugglers.

Several years later, Ed McMahon calls them all together as judges for the new season of the galactic broadcast of Star Search, a show where contestants sing, dance, or juggle light sabers to win a prize of 10,000 space pounds, which is actually quite a lot of money since the quantum franc collapsed.

Tensions run high when they all get together for filming the first episide and Kylo Ren challenges his parents to a sing off on live television. This results in a fierce song and dance battle, with plenty of smoke machines and pyrotechnics, as each person sings their heart out. Quite literally for Han, who has a heart attack and falls from the stage.

The movie ends with the canceling of the rest of the season of Star Search and having it replaced with a game show called ‘What’s my Wookiee Anyway?’ where contestants have to perform improv to entertain their wookiee host, or risk having their arms ripped from their sockets.

If you want to know what this movie would be like if it were real, find old clips online of Star Search and watch them on your phone while viewing The Force Awakens in the theater.

Review of a Movie that Doesn’t Exist – Kill Me With Love

It’s time for another review of a movie that doesn’t exist. This time, it’s the next logical leap from paranormal romance, slasher movie romance.

Kill Me With Love is the tale of Suzy Fodder, a busty college student on a road trip, who finds herself stuck with on a deserted highway in the middle of nowhere after her car’s engine overheats, all four tires go flat and the gas tank springs a leak. Suzy is forced to walk to the nearest town, but at least she has the company of a chainsaw wielding maniac who keeps trying to carve her arms off.

At first, Suzy isn’t too thrilled by her new companion and spends a great deal of time running as fast as she can while trying to get cell reception. But after a while, she gets curious about her pursuer and tries to engage him in conversation. He’s reluctant at first and just waves his chainsaw around whenever Suzy stops running and attempts to speak, but eventually she wears him down and they travel together, learning about each other’s hopes and dreams.

Suzy tells of her dream of finishing school and becoming a pro wrestler, while the maniac (whose name turns out to be Doug) reveals his desire to start a line of clothing crafted from the flesh of his victims. As time goes on, the two grow to love one another, culminating in a scene where they consummate their passion in Doug’s lair, gently making love under a dozen hanging bodies.

I didn’t think I’d enjoy the movie, but it actually turned out to be quite good. Suzy and Doug make a perfect couple and I hope there will be a sequel, where the two have settled down and have a family. Suzy would complain that Doug spends too much time ogling and killing other women, while Doug would feel that Suzy’s wrestling career is taking her away from him.

*Chainsaw courtesy of http://ravenarcana.deviantart.com/art/Chainsaw-1-PSD-160840694

Review of a Movie That Doesn’t Exist – How High Is My Beehive?

Here’s another review of a movie that doesn’t exist:

Title: How High Is My Beehive?

Genre: Musical Action

Cast:

Julie Pinkerton: Madonna

Stacy Gaines: Kim Kardashian

Fred Smith: Himself

How High Is My Beehive starts off with two girls Julie and Stacy and one fashion forward man named Fred trying to outdo each other in having the biggest hair. Fred’s starting to lose his hair and only has one more chance to win the group’s coveted “Super Do” title. He ends up stealing a can of experimental hair spray from a spoiled rich girl, who happens to be the daughter of a powerful mob boss. The trio end up on the run from mafia hit men, who stop at nothing to get their prey. They must fight for their lives with only the blunt force trauma of their rock hard hair to help them.

The movie was a little long because of the random musical numbers scattered throughout, but they gave the movie more depth than the typical hair based mafia flick. “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow,” was my personal favorite. It happened just after Fred realized that he was starting to go bald and made me really feel for him and his hair troubles. The line, “My hair was there, does no one care?” just about broke my heart.

I’d recommend this movie to anyone who likes musical action movies about hair obsessed thirty-somethings. But since it doesn’t exist, my recommendation is worthless.

Review of a Movie That Doesn’t Exist – Bobby the Freak

Here’s my latest review of a movie that doesn’t exist.

Title: Bobby the Freak

Genre:  Comedy

Cast:

Bobby Malone – CGI version of Wayne Newton

Grace Malone – Julie Newmar

Jack Malone – Paul Reiser

Della Vance – Scarlett Johansson

The movie, Bobby the Freak, tells the story of Bobby Malone, a strange twenty-something man who wears odd clothing and collects dead bugs. His parents, Grace and Jack, don’t know what to do with him, so they send him off to “Camp Freakaway,” an intensive self help seminar meant to scare the normal into him. He meets a no nonsense counselor named Della, who becomes his love interest. He convinces her to help him escape camp and go on a cross country road trip to the world’s largest snow cone before it melts.

Let me tell you, this movie was pure genius. I really identified with Bobby and his freakish ways. I didn’t identify with his family life, since my parents are also as odd as I am. But that really doesn’t matter. The movie was charming and I found myself rooting for Bobby and Della’s trek, as Bobby learned to understand normal people and Della learned to unleash the freak within.

The only problem was that Bobby wasn’t enough of a freak. Sure, he did odd things and wore garish clothing, but it was mild compared to real freaks such as myself and my family. Where were the shoes made out of soap or the attempts to start a honey business by dressing as a bee and stealing a hive? But I can live with the Hollywood version of a freak if the movie’s compelling enough. And this one was. Good job, Freak Studios.

Review of a Movie That Doesn’t Exist – BOOM!

Here’s another review of a movie that doesn’t exist.

 

Title: BOOM!

Genre: Action

Cast: None

 

BOOM! is an exciting new direction for the tired old action movie. They’ve cut out all the extra flush and just left the essence of action behind. No corny dialogue, no boring acrobatic stunts, no cliche plot about missing missiles or kidnapped heiresses. In fact, there aren’t even any people in BOOM!

The movie is just explosions, one right after another, filled with flying debris that make the best use of 3D technology. Buildings, mailboxes, old soup cans… Nothing is sacred in BOOM! If you ever wanted to see just how many explosions they could fit into one two hour movie, BOOM! is for you. I tried counting, but stopped after 57, which was just fifteen minutes into the film.

BOOM! won’t disappoint, but the explosions do tend to get a little repetitive after the hour mark. Since this isn’t a real movie, you’re going to have to film a bunch of demolition sites and high school science experiments and watch them back to back to get a feel for the awesomeness of BOOM!

Review of a Movie that Doesn’t Exist – Never Trust an Iceberg

Here’s yet another review of a movie that doesn’t exit.

Never Trust an Iceberg

Genre: Drama/Random video of icebergs

Never Trust an Iceberg follows the life of the chunk of ice that sunk the Titanic and its attempts to put the past behind it and break free from the infamy of being the iceberg. Humans saw it as a remorseless symbol of nature’s wrath, while other icebergs resented the reputation they all got after the Titanic plunged to a watery grave. And yet, the iceberg was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

No one ever remembered the iceberg’s charity work for underprivileged ice chips, or considered the horrible guilt it faced every second, knowing that if it had drifted in another direction, the Titanic and its passengers would still be around. So, the iceberg went on a soul searching journey, disguised as a white whale, making friends and posing for photos with Moby Dick affectionados.

I found this movie to be very touching and the last scene, where the iceberg finds that he’s traveled too far south, made me sob just like a baby who had his candy stolen by a pack of candy thieves. I highly recommend this film, but you’ll have to go Newfoundland and ad-lib dialog for the icebergs off the coast, since this movie only exists in my head.

Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Oysters in the Oven

Here’s another review for a movie that doesn’t exist.

Oysters in the Oven

Genre – Drama/Educational Cooking Program

Cast

Darla – Carmen Electra

Susan – Tilda Swinton

Dave – Tom Hanks

Oysters in the oven is a strange mix of family drama and non fiction instructions on how to make baked oysters. The film follows the lives of Susan and Dave Winston, and Susan’s younger sister, Darla. After Susan and Darla’s parents die in a shucking accidents, the sisters have to put aside family grudges and attempt to save the family baked oyster restaurant. Darla stopped speaking with the family years before after revealing that she preferred her oysters raw and she and her sister spend the movie accepting each other and trying to figure out how to prepare their parent’s famous baked oyster pizza.

The movie would have been a fun little bit of family strife, but the non fiction cooking instructions kept interrupting the narrative. They didn’t just have the baked oyster recipes weaved into the plot. The actors actually stopped in their tracks and started talking as if they were in a cooking show, showing step by step guides to make a recipe, then went back to their original places and continued with the story as if nothing had happened.

I counted ten cooking interruptions, the longest being thirty minutes. It made the movie over five hours long and since I was watching in the theater, I couldn’t just fast forward through the cooking parts. But the recipes were fun and I did learn a lot about baking oysters, so it wasn’t all that bad. I just wish they would have had more interesting recipes. Why just bake oysters when you can cook them in bubble gum flavored syrup and melted cheddar cheese?

Well, since this movie doesn’t exist, you’re going to have to watch a family drama, while pausing it periodically and putting on a cooking show. It won’t be quite the same, but you’ll still learn a lot about baking.

Review of a Movie that Doesn’t Exist – Traffic Jam – the Musical

Another review for a movie that doesn’t exist:

Traffic Jam – the Musical

Genre

Romance/Musical

Cast

William the biker – Michael Caine

Sally the lawyer – Megan Fox

Robert the executive – Rob Lowe

Julie the college student – Emma Watson

The movie Traffic Jam – The Musical is a happy romp through the trials of waiting for a twelve car pile up to be cleared. The four main characters trade insult from their cars, before trading romance with people they never knew they could fall in love with.

The plot itself is pretty straight forward. They main characters fight, fight some more and fall in love right as the accident is cleared up. The songs were what stood out to me. Titles like “Stop and Go” and “Get a Move on, you Stupid &^*$” were great, but by far, my favorite song is when Sally and William state their growing love for each other in “I’ve Been Waiting.”

It goes:

Sally: I’ve been waiting, oh so long, for someone different.

William: I’ve been waiting, oh so long, for someone new.

Sally: I never thought I’d see the day when my life truly started.

Sally and William together: I’ve been waiting all my life, for you!

As you can see, Traffic Jam – The Musical is just what the doctor ordered, if doctors gave out prescriptions for musical romances instead of medicine. And I know this is what’s considered a chic flick, but guess what? Liking this movie has gotten me extra time with Candy and her collection of leather, even though the movie doesn’t actually exist.

Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Killer Bees with Bonnets

It’s time for another review of a movie that doesn’t exist.

Killer Bees with Bonnets

Genre:

Horror/Children’s Movie/Mafia Crime Drama

Cast:

Billy the Bee – Chuck Norris

Sally the Bee – Pamela Anderson

Tod Jones – Gary Oldman

The Bee Gang – CGI

This is by far the weirdest movie I have ever seen. It’s like someone shook the tree of movie genres and went with whatever dropped on their heads. The movie starts out with two killer bees, Billy and Sally, gathering pollen for the Annual Beestraviganza. (Instead of animation, the chose to dress the actors up in bee costumes.) They get chased by a man with bug spray, meet a nice family of fleas and head back to their hive with plenty of pollen.

Then the movie switches tone and Billy and Sally head into a smoky back room to discuss illegal shipments of sugar and getting protection money from a couple of rebellious humming birds. They send out a horde of low level thugs called the Bee Gang and a bloody scene involving feathers and humming bird stew ensues.

Billy and Sally run afoul of a police officer named Tod Jones, played by Gary Oldman.  He plays the character like his role in The Professional, despite the fact that the character is actually a noble cop and never actually does anything  crooked or shady in any way. It’s really strange to watch him help an old lady up after chasing Billy, while jerking around with a creepy drugged out smile on his lips.

The movie got even stranger after that. During a raid on the hive, Sally unleashed a potent virus on the Bee Gang, turning them into mutant killing machines. It backfired when they attacked everyone, bee and police alike, and Billy and Tod Jones had to team up to fight them, shooting their way deeper into the hive as the Bee Gang stalked them in the dark.

I still can’t figure just who the target audience of this movie is. It starts out like something you’d find on a video for five year olds, but turns into a mafia movie bloodier than the Godfather trilogy. Then it changes again into a monster movie with darkened corners and boo-factor suspense. The video actually had Horror/Children’s Movie/Mafia Crime Drama printed on it as the genre. Just what were they thinking? (I never did figure out what the bonnet in the title referred to.)

There’s no way to replicate this experience, unless you hit yourself on the head while watching cheesy children’s movies from the 70s, mafia films and monster movies. The subsequent dream may end up somewhat like Killer Bees with Bonnets.

Review of a Movie that Doesn’t Exist – Music for Muriel

I’ve decided that my blog needs reviews, since so many people like hearing about the media opinions of others. But I get bored really easily talking about real movies, so I thought I’d do this in the flavor of my interviews with inanimate objects. So, here’s my first ever review of a movie that doesn’t exist.

Music for Muriel

Genre:

Sci-fi/drama

Cast:

Muriel: Paris Hilton

Abner:Hugh Laurie

Greg: Adam Sandler

Music for Muriel is a dramatic family drama with a sci-fi twist. Muriel, played exceptionally well by Paris Hilton, is a bored housewife who spends her time daydreaming about swans, while her husband Abner, a British used car salesman, ignores her in favor of his prized velvet Elvis collection.

Muriel meets her new neighbor Greg, a hard partying alien sociologist undercover as a nightclub owner, who came to Earth to study the mating habits of drunken frat boys. A friendship develops, innocent at first, but it quickly heats up when Muriel discovers Greg’s true identity and informs him of her fetish for foreign men. The line, “I thought Abner was foreign enough for me, but then I met you,” pretty much sums up their relationship.

The movie is touching, yet at the same time has an explosion of action and special effects. It’s like The Bridges of Madison County meets 2001: A Space Odyssey. Muriel and Greg stumble onto a giant obelisk in the dessert from an alien race advertising their soon to come to Earth floating mega-mall and Greg’s wrist computer pulls a HAL 9000 when Greg dumps it in favor of asking Muriel to leave Abner and join him in the farthest reaches of the universe.

The only issue I had is with Abner. His character is never really developed and seems to just be an oblivious husband cliche, right down to his constant attention of his velvet paintings, even when Muriel stands in front of him in a snake skin nighty, holding a pair of handcuffs and a jar of marmalade. The tension of her building relationship with Greg just didn’t feel real when it seemed like Abner would notice his house exploding before he noticed his wife leaving him for an alien Don Juan. Actually, in the scene where his house did explode, he barely noticed it at all and continued brushing his paintings like a scene from a bad comedy.

All in all I give Music for Muriel four and a half imaginary stars out of five. I highly recommend it for all those people who like their romantic relationship dramas with explosions and jealous wrist computers. Since it doesn’t actually exist, you’ll have to put two television sets next to each other and watch The Lifetime network and The Syfy network at the same time, while pretending you’re watching one film.