I’ve never met a zombie, but I’ve decided to do them a service, in case I ever meet one in a dark alley. If they try to eat my brains, I’ll just show them a printout of this list and say, “See, I helped you! You owe me! Go eat someone else’s brain, like those annoying dudes who talk on their cellphones during a movie.”
Ten Signs That You’re a Zombie
- You wake up in a morgue. Unless you work there and got drunk the night before, waking up in a morgue usually means a previously dead state.
- People scream “Zombie” when they see you. That’s a sure indication that you’ve turned into a creature of the undead, unless your first name is Rob.
- Body parts start falling off during the course of the day. This can also be a sign of leprosy, so you should check the other items on this list just to make sure.
- The only words you can utter are “Grrrrr,” “Ugh,” and “Braiiiiiiiins.” That’s what we call Zombish and it’s actually a highly developed language, crafted to convey your desire for brains.
- You desire brains. And I don’t mean you desire smart dates, or to expand your vocabulary. You desire the succulent taste of brains on your tongue.
- Your whole life is about brains, morning, noon and night. Family, work, even beer, aren’t enough to get you off your brain fixation.
- Your lover embraces you and you find yourself trying to rip off their arms and twist open their skull. That is not a normal reaction to a hug.
- You trade your aftershave for embalming fluid. Non zombies prefer Old Spice.
- You start getting invites in the mail for the National Association of Undead Citizens. They don’t send those out to “breathers.”
- You just feel zombiesque. Being undead is a state of mind, so if you have the thought, “I might be a zombie,” you probably are.
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