Ten Signs That You’re a Zombie


I’ve never met a zombie, but I’ve decided to do them a service, in case I ever meet one in a dark alley. If they try to eat my brains, I’ll just show them a printout of this list and say, “See, I helped you! You owe me! Go eat someone else’s brain, like those annoying dudes who talk on their cellphones during a movie.”

Ten Signs That You’re a Zombie

  1. You wake up in a morgue. Unless you work there and got drunk the night before, waking up in a morgue usually means a previously dead state.
  2. People scream “Zombie” when they see you. That’s a sure indication that you’ve turned into a creature of the undead, unless your first name is Rob.
  3. Body parts start falling off during the course of the day. This can also be a sign of leprosy, so you should check the other items on this list just to make sure.
  4. The only words you can utter are “Grrrrr,” “Ugh,” and “Braiiiiiiiins.” That’s what we call Zombish and it’s actually a highly developed language, crafted to convey your desire for brains.
  5. You desire brains. And I don’t mean you desire smart dates, or to expand your vocabulary. You desire the succulent taste of brains on your tongue.
  6. Your whole life is about brains, morning, noon and night. Family, work, even beer, aren’t enough to get you off your brain fixation.
  7. Your lover embraces you and you find yourself trying to rip off their arms and twist open their skull. That is not a normal reaction to a hug.
  8. You trade your aftershave for embalming fluid. Non zombies prefer Old Spice.
  9. You start getting invites in the mail for the National Association of Undead Citizens. They don’t send those out to “breathers.”
  10. You just feel zombiesque. Being undead is a state of mind, so if you have the thought, “I might be a zombie,” you probably are.
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