5 things that happen when you give up bathing

I’ve always found bathing to be a bit wimpy. In my opinion, if you’re tough enough, you don’t need to rely on frilly things like soap and shampoo. So, I made this post to show everyone the joys of shunning the shower.

5 things that happen when you give up bathing

Day 1 – You start to have a very interesting odor. This scent is a delightful mix of dirt and sweat, with a possible hint of food if you happen to be a messy eater.

Day 3 – Your skin starts to take on a healthy gray sheen. If you shamble and mutter “Brains” every once in a while, people might think you’re a zombie and rush away, allowing you access to the front of all sorts of lines and queues.

Day 10 – Your hair loses that annoying frizz and flattens to your head with sweat and grease. This will allow you to have hair that’s flattened to your head with sweat and grease.

Day 25 – A strong force field forms around you that causes other people to move out of the way when you walk down the street.

Day 100 – You gain your own army of lice and house flies, to command as you will. Use this power wisely.

Sunbathers Are Not Diving Boards – A pool safety list for things you might not think of

It’s summer, which means it’s time to soak in a communal water pit, while wearing clothing akin to boxer shorts, ladies underwear and leotards. Most people refer to this as hanging out at the pool.

While communal soaking in underwear and dance clothes can be fun, there are several risks involved. I feel it is my duty to warn you of several of these potential mishaps.

1. Do not add carrots, beef and potatoes to a heated pool. While making the world’s largest pot of stew is commendable, the water is not hot enough to cook the ingredients. Besides, other people will probably not appreciate swimming with bits of meat and vegetables.
2. Do not hide a bottle of lemonade in your bathing suit and surreptitiously open the cap underwater while saying, “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.” It might be hilarious, but it’s a waste of good lemonade. Use a bottle of water with food coloring instead.
3. If you decide to dress up like Poseidon, do not bring a homemade trident crafted out of steel. Accidentally impaling other swimmers is a big no no.
4. Do not use “Is the water warmer here or is it just me?” as a pickup line. Most people don’t find bodily fluids attractive.
5. Sunbathers are not diving boards, even exceptionally tall ones.
6. Do not scream “Shark!” and expect people to get out of the pool. There are no such things as pool sharks. You will just look like an idiot.
7. If you want to play volleyball, use a ball. The toddler in the shallow end is not an appropriate substitute.
8. Do not try to nap at the bottom of the pool. It may seem calm and quiet, but it won’t end well.
9. Do not drop a candy bar into the water, then point at it and go, “Ewwwwww!” Candy bars are too uniform and will fool no one. Use a plastic mold instead.
10. When your skin starts to shrivel up, do not walk around the pool screaming, “I am Prune Man!” That’s my shtick. Get your own.

What Not to Do at a Funeral

The proper etiquette of attending a funeral can be confusing, so I’ve made a handy list of several things you should avoid doing when honoring a loved one.

What Not to Do at a Funeral

1. Do not come dressed in sweats, pajamas or any type of bunny suit.
2. Do not offer to say something about the deceased and then use your time in front of the mic to practice your standup routine.
3. Do not throw your voice and make it seem like there’s a tiny “Help me, help me,” coming from the casket.
4. Do not climb onto the casket and reenact Leonardo DiCaprio’s “King of the world” scene from Titanic.
5. Do not take out your cellphone and play the song “Baby Got Back” because you feel it would be a better soundtrack than the piano they have playing.
6. Do not eat your lunch during the service, then toss your trash in the casket, even if the deceased was really passionate about recycling.
7. Do not attempt to preform your own cremation service with a bottle of brandy and a blowtorch.
8. Do not toss coins in the hole after the coffin is lowered down. It’s wishing well, not wishing grave.
9. Do not toss up clay pigeons if there is a 21 gun salute.
10. Do not open the casket, pull the body out and attempt to use it like a ventriloquist dummy.

Of course, I am exempt from these, since I can and have pulled off all of the things on this list. But it takes a certain type of charisma to buck social trends, which is why I recommend that most people play it safe when it comes to serious life events such as funerals.

How to win people over in five easy steps

Every wonder how to win people over and get them to do what you want, whether it’s a business proposal, an opinion, or gathering friends to hang out and get smashed? Well, I’ve compiled this handy list, so you too can be influential and get what you want!

1. Be insistent, by which I mean whine. Constantly go up to people and say things like “Come on man,” and “Pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeee?” It’ll wear them down after a while and they’ll be willing to do anything to get you off their back.
2. Lie. Sometimes your position isn’t quite as solid as you’d like it to be or your get rich quick scheme is a little riskier than you’d like others to know. The only way to get around this hurdle is to make things up. If someone asks you if your idea to invent heated underwear has any risks, don’t tell them about the catastrophic chemical burns. Say, “No, there’s nothing wrong and it’s ready to go.”
3. Claim other people already agree with you. This takes finesse, since you have to make it sound convincing without actually mentioning anyone by name. Use terms like “an expert” or “a really cool dude” or “my second cousin twice removed’s best friend.” The last one works especially well for convincing people of rumors and urban legends. Whatever you do, don’t mention anyone they can check up on, unless you are confident that you can pull that person over to your side before others try to contact them.
4. Look convincing. Style has a lot to do with people taking you seriously. You need to make them feel that you’re on their side. The style you choose depends on the person you’re trying to convince. For a business man, try a suit and leather briefcase. For a young college kid, try jeans and a tee-shirt from a local bar. For a group of birthday clowns, try a puffy yellow suit with green pompom buttons and a wig of rainbow hair.
5. If all else fails, bribe. Money talks and most people will do what you want if you pay them enough. There is a ratio between the amount you need to pony up and how resistant the person is to your suggestion, so make sure you have enough to pay. You can pay someone ten bucks to hang out with you for an hour, but you will have to pay much more if you want them to strip naked, smear themselves in Day Glo orange paint and bread pudding, and stand on a street corner, reciting limericks. (I don’t know why you’d want someone to do something like that, but I’m not one to judge.)

So, there’s my handy list of five steps to winning people over and getting what you want. If they don’t work out for you, just keep trying. These are foolproof, guaranteed!*

*Guarantee void on planet Earth.

 

 

Pickup Lines That Don’t Work For Some Reason

I’ve used a lot of pickup lines in my day. Here are some that didn’t quite work for some reason. I don’t know why, but I feel I have a duty to alert the public to these potential duds.

• Let me be the sperm to your whale
• Hey baby, I think I dropped my contact down your dress. Mind if I search for it?
• Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like me?
• How much for one night?
• Are those two tumors on your chest or do you just have a really nice rack?
• I seem to be stuck on this table. Could you please come get me off?
• It’s like you smeared the blood of angels in your hair.
• I’m dying of Notgetlaidistus and you’re the only one who can cure me.
• You remind me of my mother.
• Excuse me, but I’m starting a game of nude tango and need another player.
• If you were a beer, I’d drain you dry.
• If you were a sandwich, I’d split you open and pick out all your cheese.
• I’m your ice cream, baby. Take me in your hands and let me melt.
• I don’t usually date old chicks, but I’m willing to make an exception.
• Would you be willing to lower your standards for just one night?
• Let’s cut to the chase and do it.

How To Bake a Cake In Twenty Five Easy Steps – For The Baking Challenged

I’ve developed a guide on preparing dessert for those of us who are “baking challenged.”

 

1. Get baking mix from shelf.
2. Clean up baking mix and get second box that wasn’t already opened.
3. Open box with trusty pocket knife.
4. Clean wound created by trusty pocket knife.
5. Pour contents of box into bowl.
6. Add egg to bowl.
7. Take egg out and crack it, then re-add to bowl
8. Pick shell fragments from bowl.
9. Search for spoon in cabinet, find out all spoons are used.
10. Take dirty spoon from sink and hope no one notices.
11. Mix content in bowl until your hand feels like you hit it repeatedly against a wall.
12. Get out electric mixer.
13. Spend ten minutes untangling clothing from electric mixer.
14. Go back to using spoon.
15. Pour batter into cake pan.
16. Remember you were supposed to grease pan.
17. Try to move batter with spoon and spray cooking spray underneath.
18. End up with batter swimming in grease.
19. Remember to pre-heat oven and wait, while batter soaks up even more grease.
20. Put pan in oven.
21. Wait.
22. Wait too long.
23. Turn off oven and open windows to let smoke out.
24. Take out greasy, burned cake and throw away.
25. Serve doughnuts instead.

Ten Signs That You’re a Zombie

I’ve never met a zombie, but I’ve decided to do them a service, in case I ever meet one in a dark alley. If they try to eat my brains, I’ll just show them a printout of this list and say, “See, I helped you! You owe me! Go eat someone else’s brain, like those annoying dudes who talk on their cellphones during a movie.”

Ten Signs That You’re a Zombie

1. You wake up in a morgue. Unless you work there and got drunk the night before, waking up in a morgue usually means a previously dead state.
2. People scream “Zombie” when they see you. That’s a sure indication that you’ve turned into a creature of the undead, unless your first name is Rob.
3. Body parts start falling off during the course of the day. This can also be a sign of leprosy, so you should check the other items on this list just to make sure.
4. The only words you can utter are “Grrrrr,” “Ugh,” and “Braiiiiiiiins.” That’s what we call Zombish and it’s actually a highly developed language, crafted to convey your desire for brains.
5. You desire brains. And I don’t mean you desire smart dates, or to expand your vocabulary. You desire the succulent taste of brains on your tongue.
6. Your whole life is about brains, morning, noon and night. Family, work, even beer, aren’t enough to get you off your brain fixation.
7. Your lover embraces you and you find yourself trying to rip off their arms and twist open their skull. That is not a normal reaction to a hug.
8. You trade your aftershave for embalming fluid. Non zombies prefer Old Spice.
9. You start getting invites in the mail for the National Association of Undead Citizens. They don’t send those out to “breathers.”
10. You just feel zombiesque. Being undead is a state of mind, so if you have the thought, “I might be a zombie,” you probably are.

How to tell if you’re wearing pants

I’ve compiled this handy list of clues to tell if you have stepped out of the house in only your boxers.

How to tell if you’re wearing pants

1. You look down and notice your pants are flesh colored and covered in hair. That’s a good sign that you’re actually looking at your bare legs.
2. You notice your legs are getting colder than usual. Lack of pants is a common cause of cold legs.
3. You walk through a thorn bush and your pants don’t get snagged. If you’re not wearing pants, they can’t get snagged.
4. People look at you oddly. While not always a sign of no pants, it’s always good to check and see if that’s whats causing the looks.
5. Someone walks up to you and says, “Dude, you have no pants!”

I hope this list will aid you in determining your pants-state.

Odd Candies You’re Sure to Love

My mother’s unique cooking has given me a taste for life’s unusual foods. Today, I’d like to talk about some of the unique candies I’ve found over the years. Each candy makes me think of mother and fills my heart with warm memories. I’ve never actually tried any of these, but they sound terrific.

1. Hotlix Butterfly Flower Candy

This candy reminds me of mother’s candied moth bites. It also reminds me of my ex-girlfriend who thought she was a butterfly, but Candy (my fiance) doesn’t appreciate me being reminded of past girlfriends, so I won’t go too much into that.

From what I can tell, there are no actual butterflies in the candy, just a regular worm and flowers. Still, worms are filled with wormy goodness and these candies are far prettier than my mother’s chocolate worm cupcakes. Sorry, Mother. 😦

2. Accoutrements Chum Bucket Candy

Candy that tastes like fish guts? Count me in! The site says they taste disgusting, but I remember mother’s fish gut cakes and they were anything but disgusting.

Mother made us these cakes every birthday. The were just plain chocolate cake with a gooey fish gut center. Mother always told us that if we ate enough fish guts, we’d be able to read the thoughts of underwater creatures. I’m still trying to gain that ability.

3. Pit’r Pat Liver Flavored Cat Breath Fresheners

I know it says that these are for cats, but why should felines have all the fun? If mother ever stopped making her liver suckers, I’d snap these up in a heartbeat.

Liver suckers are like eating liver and onions, just without the onion. Mother loves giving them out as Christmas stocking stuffers.

4. Mo’s Bacon Bar

This is a candy bar you can eat at breakfast with a side of eggs. Mother makes some mean steak tartar chocolate balls, but this is as close as you can get, at least until mother starts selling her creations.

5. Sapporo Beer Drops

My mother never made beer flavored candy, but I tried to once. All I ended up doing was nearly burning my house. You see, I’m not really good at cooking. Word to the wise –

Never use lighter fluid on your range top.