The Olympics are boring. That’s why I’m starting my own.

I’ve decided to start my own Olympics, since the regular Olympics are pretty boring. I mean, how many times can you watch someone ski? My games will be called the Carlympics and will be nothing short of awesome.

The participants of the games will wear nothing but reflective tape, strategically placed to offset any laws about public indecency. If we want our athletes to shine, why not make it literal?

The Carlympics will have an opening ceremony that’ll make people sit up and take notice. It’ll start off with runners bringing in the official Carlympic beer bottles and pouring them in a giant keg. Beer is the nectar of the gods and should be given the respect it deserves.

After the keg is full, several fog machines will pump out multicolored fog as cyborg clowns dance to techno music. Then cheerleaders will drag out a giant toothpick statue of Al Bundy.

(Why cyborg clowns and fog? I want the ceremony to feel like an alien circus that collided with a rave. And why Al Bundy? Well, I think his character is epitome of man’s existential struggle against a world out to do him harm. Well, that and I won the statue in a bet and couldn’t find another use for it.)

The cheerleaders will link hands with the clowns and circle the statue. Then the beer from the giant keg will be passed out in plastic cups and everyone will drink until they pass out. There will be a two day break between the opening ceremony and the games to give everyone a chance to recover from the giant keg.

Now for the games. The Carlympic games will be anything but boring. I want the games to elicit the awe and thrill you used to get as a child, as you lit firecrackers in your mother’s rose garden or hid from her after she found out.


Drunk texting your mother – Points determined by how well participants were at not embarrassing themselves.

Synchronized whiskey shots – Game to happen before drunk texting your mother.

Squirrel wrangling – Because squirrels are just so much fun.

Downhill peeing – Participants will have to melt the snow as they slide down a hill.

Marionette figure skating – Twirl all you want, just don’t tangle the wires. (This will be the hardest, considering how much booze will be consumed during the games. Plus, not everyone will know how to use marionettes. It’ll be the most hilarious to watch, though.)

Every winner will receive either a gold, silver or bronze bottle opener and have the glory that comes along with being the best of the best, at least when it comes to booze, urination, animal husbandry and maneuvering wooden people.

So, there you have it. The Carlympics will become a new global sporting event for the world to rally around. What do you think? Do you have any ideas that will make the Carlympics even better?