Blott-Os – The new beer flavored cereal


Remember back when you were a child and you poured sugary cereal into a bowl, as your cavity filled mouth watered in anticipation while your sister tried to murder you with a plastic spork? Well, not the plastic spork thing. That’s a special moment between my sister and myself.

Sugary cereal is a wonderful childhood memory, from carefully picking out the marshmallows from the boring cereal bits, to watching your milk turn brown. And who can forget the prize inside? A plastic toy that was always at the bottom, tempting you to dig your fingers down into the box to try and pry it free. (Strange that I never thought to simply open the box at the opposite end and cut the plastic bag protecting the cereal with scissors. Then again, where would the fun be in that?)

Now, as an adult, I ask you this:

Why should kids have all the fun? Adults need a little bit of breakfast related excitement. And I’m not talking about a quickie on the kitchen counter, though that is pretty entertaining. I’m talking about a breakfast cereal for the young at heart, but made with adults in mind.

So, I’ve come up with a cereal that harkens back to those halcyon days of youth, but with an adult kick. And what do adults turn to when they want to feel that warm glow they used to get from their parents hugs, or the excitement that that once came from cartoons and plastic dinosaurs?

Why alcohol, of course. The only thing that can warm you up and liven your day, plus make peeing in random places around town both a necessity and a challenge. So, with that in mind, I have created a new cereal.

I call them Blott-Os.

Blott-Os

They’re little keg shaped crisps with a beer flavored alcohol saturated syrup in the center. I know, calling them Os is not exactly accurate, but I think that fully encapsulates the essence of alcohol. Booze is so cool, it doesn’t have to make sense.

Each box of Blott-Os will come with a prize inside. For the first prize, I’ve decided on a little rubber man who urinates when you submerge him in water and then squeeze, like a rubber ducky, but less suitable for children.

Imagine, eagerly pouring cereal into your bowl and chowing down, while your milks turns yellow. Then drinking from the bowl as you let the alcohol bring a glow to your day, whether you’re heading off to work or sprawling in front of the TV in your pajamas like you did as a child. Though, try not to wear your pajamas to work, especially if you sleep in the nude. Your boss won’t be pleased.

Now, I just have to find a way to start production of Blott-Os. So far, the only plan I have is a pile of hastily scrawled notes on random napkins from a late night drinking binge. But I’m not worried. That’s how all my ideas take shape.

I have a six pack of beer, an internet recipe for cereal and a squeeze bottle of maple syrup. As soon as I figure a way how to turn those things into tiny kegs, Blott-Os will be good to go. Wish me luck!

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The Olympics are boring. That’s why I’m starting my own.


I’ve decided to start my own Olympics, since the regular Olympics are pretty boring. I mean, how many times can you watch someone ski? My games will be called the Carlympics and will be nothing short of awesome.

The participants of the games will wear nothing but reflective tape, strategically placed to offset any laws about public indecency. If we want our athletes to shine, why not make it literal?

The Carlympics will have an opening ceremony that’ll make people sit up and take notice. It’ll start off with runners bringing in the official Carlympic beer bottles and pouring them in a giant keg. Beer is the nectar of the gods and should be given the respect it deserves.

After the keg is full, several fog machines will pump out multicolored fog as cyborg clowns dance to techno music. Then cheerleaders will drag out a giant toothpick statue of Al Bundy.

(Why cyborg clowns and fog? I want the ceremony to feel like an alien circus that collided with a rave. And why Al Bundy? Well, I think his character is epitome of man’s existential struggle against a world out to do him harm. Well, that and I won the statue in a bet and couldn’t find another use for it.)

The cheerleaders will link hands with the clowns and circle the statue. Then the beer from the giant keg will be passed out in plastic cups and everyone will drink until they pass out. There will be a two day break between the opening ceremony and the games to give everyone a chance to recover from the giant keg.

Now for the games. The Carlympic games will be anything but boring. I want the games to elicit the awe and thrill you used to get as a child, as you lit firecrackers in your mother’s rose garden or hid from her after she found out.

Games:

Drunk texting your mother – Points determined by how well participants were at not embarrassing themselves.

Synchronized whiskey shots – Game to happen before drunk texting your mother.

Squirrel wrangling – Because squirrels are just so much fun.

Downhill peeing – Participants will have to melt the snow as they slide down a hill.

Marionette figure skating – Twirl all you want, just don’t tangle the wires. (This will be the hardest, considering how much booze will be consumed during the games. Plus, not everyone will know how to use marionettes. It’ll be the most hilarious to watch, though.)

Every winner will receive either a gold, silver or bronze bottle opener and have the glory that comes along with being the best of the best, at least when it comes to booze, urination, animal husbandry and maneuvering wooden people.

So, there you have it. The Carlympics will become a new global sporting event for the world to rally around. What do you think? Do you have any ideas that will make the Carlympics even better?

Candy and Car Song Palooza


I got my fiance Candy to sing some of my songs for me. She wasn’t too pleased, but I got her whole keg of beer to make up for it.

I hope you like my Candy and Car Song Palooza. The lyrics are enough to make your mind burst with mind burstingly stuff, especially the ones my mother wrote. The one about the stuff in the back of your fridge is a heartbreaking saga of zombies and rifles.