The proper etiquette of attending a funeral can be confusing, so I’ve made a handy list of several things you should avoid doing when honoring a loved one.
What Not to Do at a Funeral
- Do not come dressed in sweats, pajamas or any type of bunny suit.
- Do not offer to say something about the deceased and then use your time in front of the mic to practice your standup routine.
- Do not throw your voice and make it seem like there’s a tiny “Help me, help me,” coming from the casket.
- Do not climb onto the casket and reenact Leonardo DiCaprio’s “King of the world” scene from Titanic.
- Do not take out your cellphone and play the song “Baby Got Back” because you feel it would be a better soundtrack than the piano they have playing.
- Do not eat your lunch during the service, then toss your trash in the casket, even if the deceased was really passionate about recycling.
- Do not attempt to preform your own cremation service with a bottle of brandy and a blowtorch.
- Do not toss coins in the hole after the coffin is lowered down. It’s wishing well, not wishing grave.
- Do not toss up clay pigeons if there is a 21 gun salute.
- Do not open the casket, pull the body out and attempt to use it like a ventriloquist dummy.
Of course, I am exempt from these, since I can and have pulled off all of the things on this list. But it takes a certain type of charisma to buck social trends, which is why I recommend that most people play it safe when it comes to serious life events such as funerals.
I’ve done 3 & 8 😦
If nobody said anything, I think you’re okay. And who knows, tossing coins in a grave might grant wishes. There could be a “genie of decomposition” that no one knows about.
When I did 3, a woman behind me fainted but it couldn’t be proved voice-throwing had anything to do with it.
When I did 8, I had the immediate bad luck of mistakenly dropping a hundred dollar bill in with some change—still waiting for any possible good luck…
Everyone needs a good faint and I’m sure you’ll get lots of luck for that hundred dollars. You might want to dig the grave up again and toss in a rabbit’s foot for good measure.
Great idea, Car!!
Plus, I like hanging out by graves 🙂
Wow Car. Johnson family funerals must really be a fun celebration. I think I should like to attend one because I want to see 10 happen. That would be really cool.
Maybe I should become a funeral ventriloquist and hire myself out to funerals. Thanks for the idea!
When I pass to the great ether world, remind me to hire you to be the carntirloquist for my dead corpse. Oh wait, I plan to be cremated. Well, you can be a carntriloquist and then you can perform #9 and save my family some money. Oh wait again, I wasn’t in the service, but your family can still do a gun salute or use dynamite.