What Not to Do at a Funeral

The proper etiquette of attending a funeral can be confusing, so I’ve made a handy list of several things you should avoid doing when honoring a loved one.

What Not to Do at a Funeral

  1. Do not come dressed in sweats, pajamas or any type of bunny suit.
  2. Do not offer to say something about the deceased and then use your time in front of the mic to practice your standup routine.
  3. Do not throw your voice and make it seem like there’s a tiny “Help me, help me,” coming from the casket.
  4. Do not climb onto the casket and reenact Leonardo DiCaprio’s “King of the world” scene from Titanic.
  5. Do not take out your cellphone and play the song “Baby Got Back” because you feel it would be a better soundtrack than the piano they have playing.
  6. Do not eat your lunch during the service, then toss your trash in the casket, even if the deceased was really passionate about recycling.
  7. Do not attempt to preform your own cremation service with a bottle of brandy and a blowtorch.
  8. Do not toss coins in the hole after the coffin is lowered down. It’s wishing well, not wishing grave.
  9. Do not toss up clay pigeons if there is a 21 gun salute.
  10. Do not open the casket, pull the body out and attempt to use it like a ventriloquist dummy.

Of course, I am exempt from these, since I can and have pulled off all of the things on this list. But it takes a certain type of charisma to buck social trends, which is why I recommend that most people play it safe when it comes to serious life events such as funerals.

8 thoughts on “What Not to Do at a Funeral

    • If nobody said anything, I think you’re okay. And who knows, tossing coins in a grave might grant wishes. There could be a “genie of decomposition” that no one knows about.

      • Well

        When I did 3, a woman behind me fainted but it couldn’t be proved voice-throwing had anything to do with it.

        When I did 8, I had the immediate bad luck of mistakenly dropping a hundred dollar bill in with some change—still waiting for any possible good luck

      • Everyone needs a good faint and I’m sure you’ll get lots of luck for that hundred dollars. You might want to dig the grave up again and toss in a rabbit’s foot for good measure.

  1. Wow Car. Johnson family funerals must really be a fun celebration. I think I should like to attend one because I want to see 10 happen. That would be really cool.

  2. When I pass to the great ether world, remind me to hire you to be the carntirloquist for my dead corpse. Oh wait, I plan to be cremated. Well, you can be a carntriloquist and then you can perform #9 and save my family some money. Oh wait again, I wasn’t in the service, but your family can still do a gun salute or use dynamite.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s