There’s many pitfalls to getting through that first date. How do you make sure you don’t make a fool of yourself or cause your date to throw you through a plate glass window? Well, let my handy list tell you what you need to know!
Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date:
- Tell your date they have a small round bug on their face and then attempt to pull it off. It’s probably a mole.
- Say, “I just met you but I’m not much for the dating scene. Can we just do it under the table?”
- Pull out a spork with a tiny wig glued to the top and say, “This is my best friend Sporky. He goes everywhere with me.”
- Compliment your date with, “You’re a real freak, but I’m desperate.”
- Pull out two masks and ask them if they want to help you rob the restaurant you’re heading to.
- Go to the local garbage dump and show your date how to search for “Trash Mushrooms.”
- Ask, “How much do you charge an hour?” This is a date. Dates are free.
- Bring your mother along. Yes, she might enjoy the opera, but it’ll be hard to interact with your date with her sitting between you.
- When the date ends, ask “How about a goodnight blowjob?” No. First dates are kisses.
- Grab someone off the street and drive them to the movies. That is not a date. That is kidnapping.
The proper etiquette of attending a funeral can be confusing, so I’ve made a handy list of several things you should avoid doing when honoring a loved one.
What Not to Do at a Funeral
- Do not come dressed in sweats, pajamas or any type of bunny suit.
- Do not offer to say something about the deceased and then use your time in front of the mic to practice your standup routine.
- Do not throw your voice and make it seem like there’s a tiny “Help me, help me,” coming from the casket.
- Do not climb onto the casket and reenact Leonardo DiCaprio’s “King of the world” scene from Titanic.
- Do not take out your cellphone and play the song “Baby Got Back” because you feel it would be a better soundtrack than the piano they have playing.
- Do not eat your lunch during the service, then toss your trash in the casket, even if the deceased was really passionate about recycling.
- Do not attempt to preform your own cremation service with a bottle of brandy and a blowtorch.
- Do not toss coins in the hole after the coffin is lowered down. It’s wishing well, not wishing grave.
- Do not toss up clay pigeons if there is a 21 gun salute.
- Do not open the casket, pull the body out and attempt to use it like a ventriloquist dummy.
Of course, I am exempt from these, since I can and have pulled off all of the things on this list. But it takes a certain type of charisma to buck social trends, which is why I recommend that most people play it safe when it comes to serious life events such as funerals.