Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date

There’s many pitfalls to getting through that first date. How do you make sure you don’t make a fool of yourself or cause your date to throw you through a plate glass window? Well, let my handy list tell you what you need to know!

Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date:

1. Tell your date they have a small round bug on their face and then attempt to pull it off. It’s probably a mole.
2. Say, “I just met you but I’m not much for the dating scene. Can we just do it under the table?”
3. Pull out a spork with a tiny wig glued to the top and say, “This is my best friend Sporky. He goes everywhere with me.”
4. Compliment your date with, “You’re a real freak, but I’m desperate.”
5. Pull out two masks and ask them if they want to help you rob the restaurant you’re heading to.
6. Go to the local garbage dump and show your date how to search for “Trash Mushrooms.”
7. Ask, “How much do you charge an hour?” This is a date. Dates are free.
8. Bring your mother along. Yes, she might enjoy the opera, but it’ll be hard to interact with your date with her sitting between you.
9. When the date ends, ask “How about a goodnight blowjob?” No. First dates are kisses.
10. Grab someone off the street and drive them to the movies. That is not a date. That is kidnapping.

What Not to Do at a Funeral

The proper etiquette of attending a funeral can be confusing, so I’ve made a handy list of several things you should avoid doing when honoring a loved one.

What Not to Do at a Funeral

1. Do not come dressed in sweats, pajamas or any type of bunny suit.
2. Do not offer to say something about the deceased and then use your time in front of the mic to practice your standup routine.
3. Do not throw your voice and make it seem like there’s a tiny “Help me, help me,” coming from the casket.
4. Do not climb onto the casket and reenact Leonardo DiCaprio’s “King of the world” scene from Titanic.
5. Do not take out your cellphone and play the song “Baby Got Back” because you feel it would be a better soundtrack than the piano they have playing.
6. Do not eat your lunch during the service, then toss your trash in the casket, even if the deceased was really passionate about recycling.
7. Do not attempt to preform your own cremation service with a bottle of brandy and a blowtorch.
8. Do not toss coins in the hole after the coffin is lowered down. It’s wishing well, not wishing grave.
9. Do not toss up clay pigeons if there is a 21 gun salute.
10. Do not open the casket, pull the body out and attempt to use it like a ventriloquist dummy.

Of course, I am exempt from these, since I can and have pulled off all of the things on this list. But it takes a certain type of charisma to buck social trends, which is why I recommend that most people play it safe when it comes to serious life events such as funerals.