What Not to Do at a Funeral

The proper etiquette of attending a funeral can be confusing, so I’ve made a handy list of several things you should avoid doing when honoring a loved one.

What Not to Do at a Funeral

  1. Do not come dressed in sweats, pajamas or any type of bunny suit.
  2. Do not offer to say something about the deceased and then use your time in front of the mic to practice your standup routine.
  3. Do not throw your voice and make it seem like there’s a tiny “Help me, help me,” coming from the casket.
  4. Do not climb onto the casket and reenact Leonardo DiCaprio’s “King of the world” scene from Titanic.
  5. Do not take out your cellphone and play the song “Baby Got Back” because you feel it would be a better soundtrack than the piano they have playing.
  6. Do not eat your lunch during the service, then toss your trash in the casket, even if the deceased was really passionate about recycling.
  7. Do not attempt to preform your own cremation service with a bottle of brandy and a blowtorch.
  8. Do not toss coins in the hole after the coffin is lowered down. It’s wishing well, not wishing grave.
  9. Do not toss up clay pigeons if there is a 21 gun salute.
  10. Do not open the casket, pull the body out and attempt to use it like a ventriloquist dummy.

Of course, I am exempt from these, since I can and have pulled off all of the things on this list. But it takes a certain type of charisma to buck social trends, which is why I recommend that most people play it safe when it comes to serious life events such as funerals.

Revengers Worldwide – Get Even With Style

Ever want to get revenge on someone, but don’t have the time, skill or guts? Let Revengers Worldwide take of it for you!

Did your boss promote someone else? Did your lover leave you for a younger model? Did your arch nemesis kill your family and leave you penniless? No matter what the issue, we’ll do our best to give you top quality revenge in one of our special packages.

Wedding Reception Package


We’ll insult the bride’s parentage, put up a video of the groom during his bachelor party, pee in the champagne fountain and throw paint on the bride’s dress (your choice of color.)

Funeral Package


We’ll use a bullhorn to recite insulting limericks about the deceased (ie: “There once was a man named Dave / Who wound up in a dark grave / He was hated by all / So let’s head the call / And ditch this place for a rave,”) spray the mourners with liquid manure and throw dead skunks into the open grave.

More packages coming soon!

To order, please wait outside a well populated restaurant with a sign that reads, “I like to eat my own waste.” If we don’t show up, keep trying, preferably for several days.