Five Essential Apps For An Alien Invasion

I previously posted about how alien dog people are among us, lying in wait until they can take over the Earth. I tried to start a resistance cell, with the awesome name of the Jets, but there was only ever one meeting and everyone mostly just drank beer and played air hockey. I tried to organize further meetings, but ended up being unsuccessful.

Well, even though the resistance cell fell through, that doesn’t mean I can’t do my part in protecting the world from alien oppression. So, I’ll use today’s blog post to list several useful apps I discovered that everyone will need when the dog aliens finally decide to make their bite worse than their bark.


Dog whistle



While alien dog people look like normal humans, their inner workings are canine based. So, anything that would repel dogs should repel them as well. There are many dog whistle apps out there, but I chose these because the logos best match the alien resistance movement they will end up representing. One logo has the words “anti-dog” written underneath and the other has a red circle and slash over a barking dog. Trust me, when the world is under attack by aliens, those pictures will be a much needed boost of morale.


Police Scanner



When the alien brain sludge hits the fan, you’ll want to be the first to know. That’s where a police scanner is essential. If you start hearing things like, “There’s strange glowing orb following our patrol car,” or “Holy hell, aliens just turned Adams into a milk bone!” then you’ll know it’s time to start arming yourself with your stockpile of weapons and anti alien spray. (I’m still working on the correct ingredients.)


Shooting game



The best time to learn how to shoot down alien scum is before said alien scum is crawling all over your hometown. A good shooting game is a good addition to your homemade shooting range, plus you can practice while waiting at the doctor’s office without getting arrested. These apps have the added advantage of using zombies, since it’s a given that the dog aliens will use their superior technology to turn your friends and neighbors into shambling undead freaks.


Dog Translator



What happens if you come across a secret meeting, but all the aliens are talking in their native tongue? Or maybe you end up cornered by an alien dog patrol unit and you find out they speak only canine, so your cries of “Dog aliens rock!” go unheeded? With these apps, you can understand every last word of their secret plans to use mind controlled chihuahuas or you can convince the patrol you really are a harmless civilian and your  laser sighted assault rifle is just for hunting cats.

As for the question of whether alien dog people’s language is the same as regular dogs, I strongly feel that it is. It only makes sense that regular dogs are their genetically engineered fighting force originally sent to Earth to help take over. But alien dog people don’t seem to have a firm grasp of genetic engineering and their fighting force imprinted on regular humans instead of them. But the language should still be the same, since it’s deep inside every dog’s genetic coding, along with a strong desire to chew on themselves and pee on tree trunks.


X-Ray Scanner



Since alien dog people look like regular humans, there’s no way to tell if you’re looking at an attacking alien, or a fellow human. Well, the giant silver ray guns and neon glowing body armor will help a bit, but only after they openly start to attack. And there’s always a chance that fellow rebel you’ve taken into your home is really an alien in disguise.

You need a way to scan people. A heartbeat monitor won’t help, since unlike Time Lords, alien dog people only have one heart. But logic dictates that their bones will look differently than ours. So, if you scan someone and find an extra-long tailbone or rawhide shaped implants, it’s a good bet they’re actually alien dog people.



Now you have all the apps you need for when the world is overrun with aliens and their zombie minions. But please be aware, when the aliens are chasing you and your fellow rebels, using these apps or your cellphone is not recommended. In a life or death situation, when your feet and brain have to focus on survival, it’s crucial to remember one thing: Don’t text and run.



4 thoughts on “Five Essential Apps For An Alien Invasion

  1. Some real goods apps here Car. I think I might get a few just to play with while I’m running since you suggest we shouldn’t text and run. Plus I’ll already have the apps up and running, ha ha, get it Car? “Running”? Anyway, I’ll be ready ahead of time to combat the alien dog invasion that you predict. Do you really think it will be in our lifetime?

    • Just remember to put the phone away if you’re ever on the run from aliens or zombies. And don’t try to brush your teeth and shoot at the same time. I tried that during a paintball game and it didn’t turn out so well.

      And yes, I believe there’s a good chance the alien dog people will start their final strike against humanity sometime in the next 10 to 500 years. So it might be in our lifetime and it might only be in our lifetime if everyone somehow turns immortal.

    • Just don’t test it out when running near a busy street. You might veer into the path of a truck. I must admit, I did try it and nearly got clipped by a semi.

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