I found a news story today:
Now, it’s easy to assume that this is just someone who had a bit too much to drink. Then you can go on with your daily life, assured that nothing is out of the ordinary and the world’s the safe place you always assumed it to be. But that assumption of safety won’t help you when we’re all captured and forced to mine coal and diamonds.
Through careful study, I have determined that there is a hidden race of alien dog people. They probably come from the Dog Star, but they may also be a race of highly evolved Earth dogs from the future, sort of like that one Planet of the Apes sequel, except with dogs and without the cheesy rubber ape masks. And there are no telltale physical dog-like features to tell them apart from your typical human. They look just like us, dress just like us and for the most part, act just like us.
There are differences, though. Some dog people tend to be very distracted and overly friendly. They wave frantically whenever they see a friend, saying things like “Hey, over here! Hey!” They seem bouncy and can never stay in one place very long. Then there are the more aggressive types, who stare people down as they walk by, sometimes saying things like, “What are you looking at?” Then there are the ones who act completely normal, except for a few slip ups here and there, like panting heavily or barking at random dogs.
I believe I’ve positively identified several high profile dog people, all actors of some sort. (I think this is because dog people have selected the acting world as their gathering place, possibly because their original ship crash landed near the Hollywood sign.) Robin Williams is of the energetic type, as is Gene Wilder, Whoopi Goldberg and William Shatner.
The aggressive types are harder to identify, since all actors are a little whacked, but I believe Robert De Niro’s “You talking to me?” scene in Taxi Driver fully captures the “What are you looking at?” type of dog person.
This information was practically useless, since I didn’t know anything about these alien Canidae’s ultimate plan for the Earth. So, I started canvasing the streets, seeking information by passing out flyers and asking people if they knew any secrets of the alien dog people that lived among us. My “in the open” discussion of possibly dangerous aliens was an ingenious ploy, since I did my best to sound like a typical nutcase, in hopes that they would not see me as a genuine threat. It worked.
I chanced upon a group of giggling twelve-year-olds, who told me they had information they would sell for a hundred dollars. We met three days later behind a video game store, where I exchanged the money for a typewritten letter they claimed came from the mouth of a Great Dane, one of the dog people’s mind controlled messengers. The letter turned out to be their mission statement and purpose on our planet.
Here is a unedited transcript of the letter:
WE ARE THE DOG PEOPLE. WE HATE HUMANS. WE R GONNA TAKE OVER EARTH WITH LASARS AND MILK BONES. PEOPLE WILL BE OUR PETS AND MINE COAL AND DIEMONDS UNTILL THEY DIE!
The statement was obviously written years ago, before the dog people had a full grasp of the English language. This means it is an undiluted piece of history, a glimpse into the true plan of these sinister aliens. They hate us and plan to use our own technology and dog treats against us. If we do not do something, life as we know it will end. The fate of the world depends on exposing these aliens and fighting them in any way possible.
The next time you see someone wave to you and bounce around, or cross their arms and glare, watch them closely for any signs of suspicious activity. Do they stare at tennis balls longingly, as if tempted to chase them? Do they spin around as if trying to catch invisible tails? Have you ever seen them buy milk bones, even though they don’t own a dog?
If you look carefully, you will start to notice the horrible truth. But it isn’t enough to just be aware. Now is the time for action. I am willing to lead the resistance, which shall be named The Jets. The first meeting will take place at an unspecified location in two months. To keep the the meeting safe from dog people, I will write the location backwards, since I have reliable information that aliens cannot read reversed script.
Here is the location: esouh yM
Be sure to keep it secret. And to all you alien dog people, I only have one thing to say, using my knowledge of your native tongue:
Growl, bark howl whine. (That either said “We will never give up,” or “My fish has a wart.” I meant the first one.)