Advice I’ve Gathered Over the Years

Here’s some bits of wisdom and life lessons I’ve figured out through my daily life:

• Never spit back at a llama.
• Always make sure the fruit you’re eating isn’t plastic.
• Fire is not a mouthwash.
• The snails in your backyard do not make good escargot.
• Paying a parking fine in pennies is a bad idea.
• Women don’t like to be called “Sugar Crotch.”
• No matter how hot it is outside, don’t pour a smoothie on your head.
• Just because flavored lip gloss smells nice, doesn’t mean it makes a good snack.
• Your mother does not want to hear about your performance issues.
• House paint is not a substitute for Halloween makeup.
• Playboy cannot be used to teach high school anatomy.
• What happens when you’re drunk always seems less embarrassing than it really is.
• Infants are not paperweights.
• “Is this edible,” is a very useful question.
• Portable showers are not a good idea.
• Meat is not something you can buy on a street corner.
• A trip to a public bathroom is not a date.
• Always make sure to look both ways before crossing the freeway.
• The ER is not the place to go when you have an itch you can’t reach.
• Restaurants don’t like it if you bring your own portable oven and ask to cook the food yourself.
• When in doubt, wear pants.