How to Take a Vacation in Your Bathroom

If you’re like me, you want to make your vacation time unique and memorable, but still have it retain the traditional joys that make vacations so much fun. So, I’ve developed the best way to fit your dream vacation into the most unlikely of places –

Your bathroom.

How to create a bathroom vacation:

The bathtub

A bathtub can be used as a pool, both cold and heated. With a pair of swim trunks (or swimsuit) and a pair of floaties, you can feel like you’re floating in a world class pool, as long as you keep your eyes closed and pretend the sides of the bath are other swimmers crowding around, or a harem of the opposite sex cradling you in some strange polygamous marriage ceremony.

Once drained, the tub becomes your bed, but a futuristic pod bed that will allow you to drift off to sleep with visions of being cryogenically frozen and thawed thousands of years into the future.

The sink

The sink is your water supply and the cabinets underneath make a great mini-bar, once cleaned of anything that might contaminate food products, like cleaning supplies and rat poison. You can use the basin as a makeshift bowl, freeing up precious space that is otherwise lacking in many bathrooms. Since it’s a sink, your bowl becomes self cleaning, draining the remnants of your food down the drain, where it may end up causing a clog, but probably not until after your vacation.

If you put in the plug, the sink is perfect for a miniature fountain, or bird bath, but be sure to use plastic birds to decorate it. I once brought in live pigeons and lets just say that frantic pigeons clawing at your face and a thick layer of bird-poop is enough to ruin even the nicest vacation.

The toilet

Most people wouldn’t see their toilet as a suitable vacation prop, but I am not most people. While it is invaluable in its normal capacity of collecting waste and vomit from late nights indulging in vodka from your sink mini-bar, it also makes a perfect whirlpool. Just make sure you clean it thoroughly after it’s more mundane uses.

All you have to do is stick one foot inside the toilet bowl and flush. Then close your eyes and imagine you’ve been granted access to the world’s smallest hot tub. The hot part may take a little work, but I’ve found heat packs duct taped to the inside of the bowl work wonders.

You can also pour a little shampoo inside and use the toilet to give yourself the most luxurious and unique hair wash you’ve ever experienced. It’s like a scalp massage and dipping your head in a clear mountain stream. You can also use the same technique to wash your face, but you’ll have to make sure you hold your breath.

See, your bathroom isn’t just for personal hygiene and drunken one night stands. It can be an adventure, as long as you don’t mind a small space and a little toilet water. The next time you want to go on vacation, go bathrooming. You won’t regret it.

My Personal Hero

I’d like to tell you about one of my personal heroes. You won’t find him in the papers or on a reality show. There are no websites about him and he doesn’t have his own brand of deodorant. But he is one of the most amazing people in the world and everyone should know about him and his wondrous feats.

His name is Rick Gassermyer and he is the only man to commit to wearing clothing made out of antique wooden commodes. Why would someone do such a thing, you ask? Why not? The challenge of wearing nothing but old wood imbued with countless years of odors most people find distasteful is something most of us would pass up, maybe even deride. But to do something so unique, so against the grain of society, creates a moment of beauty and power, that lives on as long as Rick has the courage to offend our sensibilities and our noses.

He shows us how to truly live, that life should always be on the edges of what’s considered normal, even if that edge happens to involve hundred year old human waste. Being a maverick takes more than innovative ideas and a life less ordinary. The world’s been around too long for that to keep our interest. Innovation is dull and while it may give us shiny new toys, it’s as boring as watching golf played by narcoleptics. With the ever increasing need for something that hasn’t been seen before, people like Rick are our only hope.

So, please, for the love of society, find your own local heroes and let them know how important they are to keeping our interest in the world around us. There’s a Rick in every town, wearing edible tuxedos and creating sculptures out of cat hairballs. And once you find these heroes, learn from them, so you too can become a maverick for these modern times.

Thank you Rick and all those like you, for your fearlessness in making the world a better place. You are an inspiration to us all.