Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date

There’s many pitfalls to getting through that first date. How do you make sure you don’t make a fool of yourself or cause your date to throw you through a plate glass window? Well, let my handy list tell you what you need to know!

Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date:

1. Tell your date they have a small round bug on their face and then attempt to pull it off. It’s probably a mole.
2. Say, “I just met you but I’m not much for the dating scene. Can we just do it under the table?”
3. Pull out a spork with a tiny wig glued to the top and say, “This is my best friend Sporky. He goes everywhere with me.”
4. Compliment your date with, “You’re a real freak, but I’m desperate.”
5. Pull out two masks and ask them if they want to help you rob the restaurant you’re heading to.
6. Go to the local garbage dump and show your date how to search for “Trash Mushrooms.”
7. Ask, “How much do you charge an hour?” This is a date. Dates are free.
8. Bring your mother along. Yes, she might enjoy the opera, but it’ll be hard to interact with your date with her sitting between you.
9. When the date ends, ask “How about a goodnight blowjob?” No. First dates are kisses.
10. Grab someone off the street and drive them to the movies. That is not a date. That is kidnapping.