Sunbathers Are Not Diving Boards – A pool safety list for things you might not think of

It’s summer, which means it’s time to soak in a communal water pit, while wearing clothing akin to boxer shorts, ladies underwear and leotards. Most people refer to this as hanging out at the pool.

While communal soaking in underwear and dance clothes can be fun, there are several risks involved. I feel it is my duty to warn you of several of these potential mishaps.

  1. Do not add carrots, beef and potatoes to a heated pool. While making the world’s largest pot of stew is commendable, the water is not hot enough to cook the ingredients. Besides, other people will probably not appreciate swimming with bits of meat and vegetables.
  2. Do not hide a bottle of lemonade in your bathing suit and surreptitiously open the cap underwater while saying, “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.” It might be hilarious, but it’s a waste of good lemonade. Use a bottle of water with food coloring instead.
  3. If you decide to dress up like Poseidon, do not bring a homemade trident crafted out of steel. Accidentally impaling other swimmers is a big no no.
  4. Do not use “Is the water warmer here or is it just me?” as a pickup line. Most people don’t find bodily fluids attractive.
  5. Sunbathers are not diving boards, even exceptionally tall ones.
  6. Do not scream “Shark!” and expect people to get out of the pool. There are no such things as pool sharks. You will just look like an idiot.
  7. If you want to play volleyball, use a ball. The toddler in the shallow end is not an appropriate substitute.
  8. Do not try to nap at the bottom of the pool. It may seem calm and quiet, but it won’t end well.
  9. Do not drop a candy bar into the water, then point at it and go, “Ewwwwww!” Candy bars are too uniform and will fool no one. Use a plastic mold instead.
  10. When your skin starts to shrivel up, do not walk around the pool screaming, “I am Prune Man!” That’s my shtick. Get your own.