Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Star Search Wars


Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Star Search Wars

 

Cast

Ed McMahon – John Stamos

Han Solo – Justin Timberlake

Leia Organa – Miley Cyrus

Kylo Ren – Justin Bieber

Warning! A few major spoilers for the real movie below.

Everyone’s reviewing the new Star Wars movie, but no one’s reviewing the lesser known entry into the franchise (most likely because it doesn’t exist), a fun musical romp about a televised musical competition in a galaxy far, far away. It takes the characters from Star Wars and gives them to actors who are able to bring forth a side we’ve never been allowed to see of them before: that of pop-stars.

The story follows Han, Leia and their son, Ben, who travel the galaxy after the fall of the Empire as a musical group called Who Shot First? After spending some time getting trained by his uncle Luke to use the force as auto-tune, Ben decides to betray the family band and start his own solo career under the name Kylo Ren.

After that, Luke moves to a remote planet and became a crazy cat Jedi, while Kylo Ren tops the charts with his song, “Vader Swish,” a touching tribute to his grandfather and his awesome choice in capes. Leia and Han attempt to keep the original group together, but they eventually leave the music business behind and return to the dull worlds of resistance fighters and smugglers.

Several years later, Ed McMahon calls them all together as judges for the new season of the galactic broadcast of Star Search, a show where contestants sing, dance, or juggle light sabers to win a prize of 10,000 space pounds, which is actually quite a lot of money since the quantum franc collapsed.

Tensions run high when they all get together for filming the first episide and Kylo Ren challenges his parents to a sing off on live television. This results in a fierce song and dance battle, with plenty of smoke machines and pyrotechnics, as each person sings their heart out. Quite literally for Han, who has a heart attack and falls from the stage.

The movie ends with the canceling of the rest of the season of Star Search and having it replaced with a game show called ‘What’s my Wookiee Anyway?’ where contestants have to perform improv to entertain their wookiee host, or risk having their arms ripped from their sockets.

If you want to know what this movie would be like if it were real, find old clips online of Star Search and watch them on your phone while viewing The Force Awakens in the theater.

A Tale of Two Toys – an epic adventure of love and plastic


I’ve decided to post a photo tale I’ve been working on for a while. I got the idea after an earthquake knocked down a box of my old toys. It also knocked a bowling ball on my head, which caused the sight of my toys to mix with my slight concussion into an idea.

This is the result of that initial idea and two month of planning. It’s a story about two action figures who fall in love and face the dangers of the wild world of plastic. I call it:

A Tale of Two Toys – an epic adventure of love and plastic

This day is perfect! Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Obi-Wan and Zartan loved each other as much as molded pieces of plastic could, which was surprisingly quite a bit.

Check out my plastic abs!

They loved each other even though Zartan had sleeves but no shirt…

Eat hand hole, sucka!

And Obi-Wan had a hole where his light saber should be.

If only my arms could bend. I’d do a million pushups and be able to pick my own nose.

But they had each other. They’d spend hours just sitting together, with Zartan putting his arm around Obi-Wan’s shoulder. Obi-Wan kept his arms to his sides, not because he was a rigid jerk, but because his arms didn’t have functional elbows.

Greetings fellow toys! I’m not evil, honest!

One day while they were sitting in roughly the same position and in front of the same black background they always seemed to choose to sit, they were greeted by a mutant meerkat thing. Nothing good could come of this.That creepy smile has to be hiding something sinister.

The hand hole, it does nothing!

The meerkat wasted no time in attacking Obi-Wan and Zartan. Obi-Wan tried to fight back with his hand hole, but he was quickly overpowered.

This way to certain doom! Next stop, Milwaukee!

The meerkat grabbed Obi-Wan and Zartan and dragged them off to certain doom.

I bring you sparkles and eternal damnation!

Certain doom turned out to be a giant elf/Santa/fairy thing, otherwise known as, “What the hell is that?” The meerkat was just a minion of this greater evil.

Oh, I just love tormenting the innocent.

The elf/Santa/fairy grabbed Obi-Wan in her evil claws of pink doom.

Yum yum!

The elf/santa/fairy picked up Zartan as well and prepared to devour them both. Obi-Wan and Zartan braced for their fate, but then they realized something… something that would be their salvation…

Oh poo.

They were plastic and could not be eaten, especially by a creature with a painted on mouth. The elf/Santa/fairy realized this as well and dropped them back down. She then wandered off to find some young child to traumatize.

Punchy punchy!

Now that the danger had passed, Zartan punched the meerkat in the face. He did this partly because of the previous kidnapping, but mostly because he was a bit of a jerk and liked beating people up.

You’re the action to my figure, man.

After that, Obi-Wan and Zartan went back to doing what they always did; sitting next to each other in front of a nondescript black background.