10 Signs That Someone is Stalking You


I’ve decided to post a handy list of signs that you might have an admirer that’s slightly more obsessed with you than normal.

 

10 signs that someone is stalking you

 

1 Do you see a similar tree everywhere you go? Does that tree seem to be made out of cloth, with holes for eyes in the trunk? Does it periodically giggles maniacally?

2 Do you always seem to bump into same stranger? Is said stranger wearing a shirt with your picture on it? Is the picture one of you sleeping?

3 Does your ceiling sometimes make strange noises that sound like coughing? Does it sometimes yell out, “Move back a bit! The camera can’t see you?”

4 Have you ever found things missing from your home? Has your television been replaced by a giant painted portrait of the stranger you keep bumping into?

5 Is there a dog in your home that you don’t remember owning? Does it have human hands and a head that looks sort of like a Halloween wolf mask?

6 Do people always point over your shoulder and ask, “Who is that creepy looking dude skulking behind you?”

7 Have you ever woken up to find your hair cut? Do you later find a hair knit sweater in the mail that matches your color?

8 Do you receive numerous voicemails that all sound breathy but menacing? Do these voicemails just repeat the words “Stalky stalky stalky” over and over?

9 Have you found a note that says, “Stalk Me” pinned to the back of your shirt?

10 When you’re out driving, have you ever driven past a giant billboard with a picture of your face and the words, “I am stalking this person” written underneath?

 

If you have experienced all ten of these signs, there’s a good chance that you are being stalked. But I am not an expert, so there could be another explanation. You should ask the scary looking person hiding in your closet what they think.

 

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Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date


There’s many pitfalls to getting through that first date. How do you make sure you don’t make a fool of yourself or cause your date to throw you through a plate glass window? Well, let my handy list tell you what you need to know!

Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date:

  1. Tell your date they have a small round bug on their face and then attempt to pull it off. It’s probably a mole.
  2. Say, “I just met you but I’m not much for the dating scene. Can we just do it under the table?”
  3. Pull out a spork with a tiny wig glued to the top and say, “This is my best friend Sporky. He goes everywhere with me.”
  4. Compliment your date with, “You’re a real freak, but I’m desperate.”
  5. Pull out two masks and ask them if they want to help you rob the restaurant you’re heading to.
  6. Go to the local garbage dump and show your date how to search for “Trash Mushrooms.”
  7. Ask, “How much do you charge an hour?” This is a date. Dates are free.
  8. Bring your mother along. Yes, she might enjoy the opera, but it’ll be hard to interact with your date with her sitting between you.
  9. When the date ends, ask “How about a goodnight blowjob?” No. First dates are kisses.
  10. Grab someone off the street and drive them to the movies. That is not a date. That is kidnapping.

The Johnson Family Coat of Arms, or Why You Can Never Have Too Many Marmosets


My family is not what you would call conventional. We don’t just dance to the beat of our own drummer, the drummer is actually a mime playing a kazoo. Johnsons do what they want, when they want, how they want. Well, at least until we come to grave bodily harm or incarceration. But loss of limb or liberty is a small price to pay for showing the world the joys of lion wrangling or the evils of carousel operators. And there’s nothing more satisfying than saying what you really think at a bar and reveling in that sweet moment before a beer bottle comes hurtling towards your head.

So, my family created their own coat of arms that doesn’t follow all the silly rules and traditions foisted on other people, people who aren’t us. This allowed us the make a coat of arms that really screams Johnson, sometimes literally with a well placed sound device.

The Johnson family coat of arms is a tongue licking a moss covered rock and a duck with the body of a bowl of salad. Those symbolize our adventurous nature and… no one knows quite what the deal with the duck is. The designer may have been drunk, which is another joy us Johnsons are known to delight in.

There’s a pair of crossed eyes at the top to show that we’re always watching, watching so hard that our eyes will go wonky. The bottom shows our family motto, “More Marmosets Please.” That came from a time when a Johnson family ancestor was given a marmoset for a gift and kept demanding more. It’s a lesson that any time you receive generosity, you should push and push and drain that resource dry. You don’t have to say please, but please sounded better in the motto.

We have another motto, which didn’t make the coat of arms. That one is, “Whatever our opinion is, think the opposite.” It was mandated by ancient court order and no self respecting Johnson uses it in current times. My opinions are gold and you should all follow them to the letter. Especially the one about wrangling lions. I haven’t tried it yet, but it sure sounds like fun.

My Heart Beats For Plastic Wrap – A Poem


I really love plastic wrap and all you can do with it. You can keep your food fresh, spray paint it and wear it as a shirt and wrap and turn it into a homemade slip and slide. So, here’s a poem to state my love of plastic wrap once and for all.

My Heart Beats For Plastic Wrap

Plastic wrap me up

In your clingy cocoon

I’ll burst out

A well preserved butterfly

You preserve my food

And make a good flag

You cling to my skin

Like a sunburn peel

You’re slippery when wet

But not when dry

You smell like feet

If I burn you

 –

Oh plastic wrap

My useful friend

Wrap me up

In your clingy cocoon

Donny Dead – A Cautionary Tale for Children Everywhere


I’ve decided to write and illustrate a small children’s book about the dangers kids might face in the world. It’s called:

Donny Dead – A Cautionary Tale for Children Everywhere

 

This is Donny Dead.

This is Donny Dead bleeding into the ocean while being surrounded by sharks.

This is Donny Dead playing with a guillotine.

This is Donny Dead sticking his head in a blender.

This is Donny Dead being eaten alive by fire ants.

The End.