Ode to severe halitosis – A poem

Bad breath doesn’t get enough love, so I decided to write a poem about it.


Ode to severe halitosis

Your tongue is one big boil

Like meat gone to spoil

Blacker than soil


Your teeth are green

With a shiny purple sheen

They’re anti-clean


Your breath is like wet dog

With just a hint of hog

Thicker than smog


Your mouth is unique

And dare I say chic?

So show off that reek!

Grin and Bare It All – A poem about freeing yourself from clothing

Here’s a free verse poem I’ve been working on. It’s a deep treatise about freedom and stripping yourself of society’s expectations. This is actually based on an event in my younger years, when my ideas were still fresh and free. I’ve changed my opinion on clothing in more recent years, but there’s still a place in my heart that still wants to bare my whole self to the world.


Grin and Bare It All

That’s a lovely tie you have there

Was it expensive?

Or did you get it on sale?

Ties are like a noose around my neck

I could never wear one

Day in Day out

Like a leash leading me to

my cell

Where I would toil in a desert

of cubicles

My only release the oasis

of a water cooler

I prefer an open neck

Free of expectations

and tie sweat

My bare neck is a billboard

to the world that says:

Not for sale!

Other garments are the same

Cloth promises

to a heartless world

I like to strip them all off

and run around town

baring my freedom

to all I pass by

People don’t like seeing

my freedom

It scares them

And they hide their eyes

I yell at them to remove

their woven shackles

But they’d rather stay wrapped

In society

And my freedom gets quite chilly

when I do this in winter

Frostbite is a small price

to pay

But that won’t stop me

in my jiggly dance of liberty

So please Mr. Judge

I’m not a streaker

I just want to teach the world

to screw the world and its reliance on clothes

So see, you should give me a medal

and release me

Please Mr. judge



*Note: The judge did not listen to my plea and fined me $400 dollars and ordered me to see a therapist.









Spasticasia – When you dance like a drunken koala

I’ve decided to write a poem for anyone else suffering from the condition known as Spasticasia. Well, it’s known to me as that. Most people know it as having two left feet, or dancing like a drunken koala.


Dancing Fool

Can’t find the rhythm

Can’t find the beat

Can’t even find

My own two feet


Flailing my arms

Like they’re on fire

Twisting my waist

Like it’s stuck in a tire


Bump and grind

Becomes bump and trip

If I’m not careful

I’ll just up and slip


No I’m not dying

It’s just how I flow

Don’t dial 911

Just get on with the show


Misjudged a kick

Hit someone’s shin

That’s my signal

The night’s come to an end


All in all

I had a good time

You say my dancing’s bad

I say it’s sublime!


I’m sure this poem will speak to the hearts of all those with a bad case of Spasticasia, whether chronic or applied. (Applied Spasticasia is also known as bad dancing brought on by massive alcohol consumption. I happen to have both conditions.) Whenever you flail your limbs at a nightclub or a school dance, remember that you are the dancing equivalent of a stick figure. And stick figures are awesome! Embrace your lack of rhythm, for you are free… free from the bonds of tempo and pace. You no longer even dance to beat of your own drummer, as you killed that drummer and replaced it with a drunken otter smashing a rock on its head.

Dance on, all you flailers and trippers. Dance like there’s no tomorrow! (Seriously, if you pretend the world’s about to end, the panic greatly increases your Spasticasic movements.)








The Most Romantic Poem of All Time – With fleas, pee and rabid dogs

This is my attempt at the most romantic poem of all time:

My love itches like a flea

It fills me like beer tinged pee

That I’m in love is not news

It leaks from my feet to squelch in my shoes


My love is like a rabid dog

It pours from my mouth like slobbery fog

My mind is crazed with love tonight

I’ll find random people and bite bite bite


My love is like upturned trash

It came into my life with a mighty crash

There’s dripping bits of love debris

I grab it all for me me me


My love is like a plate of peas

It curdles in my heart and turns to cheese

With every taste of my love cheddar

It just gets better and better

My Heart Beats For Plastic Wrap – A Poem

I really love plastic wrap and all you can do with it. You can keep your food fresh, spray paint it and wear it as a shirt and wrap and turn it into a homemade slip and slide. So, here’s a poem to state my love of plastic wrap once and for all.

My Heart Beats For Plastic Wrap

Plastic wrap me up

In your clingy cocoon

I’ll burst out

A well preserved butterfly

You preserve my food

And make a good flag

You cling to my skin

Like a sunburn peel

You’re slippery when wet

But not when dry

You smell like feet

If I burn you


Oh plastic wrap

My useful friend

Wrap me up

In your clingy cocoon

Pizza, How Could You Burn My Mouth? A Poem of Deep Sorrow

I decided to write a poem about a grave injustice foisted on me by what i thought was an understanding piece of savory pie. Let this be a warning to you, not all foodstuffs can be trusted.

Pizza, How Could You Burn My Mouth?

Bubbling sauce, melting cheese

Taste beyond compare

Welcomed kiss, of hungry teeth

Mouth in anticipation

Blinding pain, hanging skin

My heart betrayed

Pizza, how could you burn my mouth?

I thought we had something special.

A poem for my sister and a Kitten Kittenly tee-shirt

Last night, while reading an article on criminally insane women, I was inspired to write a poem for my sister.



You’re strong and brave

And a bit insane

I wonder about you


Do you dream of daggers?

Or fluffy bunny tails?


You say you want to kill me,

But you never get it right.

I don’t think you mean it.

I love you and goodnight.


I hope she appreciates it while she tries to kill me by baking me overly salted cookies in the hope I might someday get high cholesterol.


Kitten Kittenly has a tee-shirt

My story, The Adventures of Kitten Kittenly, has it’s own tee-shirt:





Halloween Acrostic Poem

I wrote a poem about what happened last year on October 31st. I think it turned out really well and gives a great example of a fun and wholesome Halloween.


Had to get my stomach pumped from eating plastic decorations I thought were candy
Asked a woman dressed as a firefighter if she would rescue me from my pants
Left the room after said woman smacked me with a rubber axe
Let another woman play Lady Godiva with me as the horse
Opened the door and ran away when Lady Godiva tried to brand me
Went to another party that had better booze
Ended up passed out on an inflatable skeleton
Entered the events in my journal
Noshed on leftover Halloween candy that I made sure wasn’t plastic

Poem for My Mother

I wrote a poem for my mother today. It’s heartfelt and I hope she likes it.

It took me three hours to draw Mother
My mother


You’re like no other.

If you were a man, I’d want you for a brother.

If you were a beer, I’d want another.

If you were a wind, you’d be a souther.

If you were a pillow, you would smother.

If you were a choice, I’d say “I’d druther.”