Where’s My Ass? – tale of a bum rush (A heartbreaking play about a posterior theft)

I just finished writing another play. This one focuses on the heartbreaking saga of a man who has lost his buttocks. It’s called “Where’s My Ass? – tale of a bum rush.” It is the sort of serious and epic play that will have you on the edge of your seat and questioning if your seat is still there.

I’ve decided to make a video trailer for it and post the first segment on my blog.


Where’s My Ass? – tale of a bum rush
By Car Johnson


Mike: A man in his mid to late thirties. He is wearing cowboy pajamas and a large black trench coat to hide his missing ass.

Maria: A woman in her mid to late twenties. She is wearing a white tee-shirt from a local bar called “Ed’s Booze Barn” and purple sweatpants.

Setting: A city sidewalk with a beauty salon called “Ugly Slayers.” There’s a lamppost in the middle of the set, with several posters displaying pictures of asses of varying sizes and the words “Missing” on top of each in bold black letters.

(The scene opens with Maria standing by the lamppost and examining one of the posers.)

(Mike enters stage left, clutching his behind (or where his behind should be.) He walks over to the lamppost and grabs Maria by the shoulders. )

Mike: My ass, my ass has gone missing!

Maria: Dear sir, please unhand me.

Mike: (*lets her go*) My buttocks has vanished! Whatever shall I do?

Maria: To lose an ass, such a dire prospect. I’ve met several men and women suffering from rump removal. I feel for you sir, I really do.

Mike: (*puts a hand to his head*) It was here last night. I felt in underneath me, warm and cushiony as I bedded down for the evening. But when I woke this morning, there was nothing there but flat padding free skin.

Maria: It is tragic, to lose one’s means of expelling excess gas and solid food waste. But alas, that is the price of living in an ass vanishing world.

Mike: I don’t want to live in an ass vanishing world. I want a world where our behinds are safe, safe from want and safe from those who would snatch them away!

Maria: (*grabs Mike’s hand*) Do not fret, assless one. I cannot stand to see someone mourn the loss of their derriere. My mother lost hers and I had to watch her wither away to nothing, repeating “My ass” over and over again while refusing food and drink. (*smiles*) I will help you, my dear sir.

Mike: Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you!

Maria: It’s nothing. If I can return one person’s ass to them, mama’s death will not be in vain.

Mike: It’s people like you who make this dark and ass absconding world a little less grim.

Maria: (*nods*) Now, before we start on our ass finding journey, let’s introduce ourselves. My name is Maria Bumsearcher. What’s yours?

Mike: Mike Cheekloss. It’s a pleasure, Miss Bumsearcher.

Maria: Likewise. (*pauses*) Now, first we need to figure out who took your ass. I’ve become a student of ass absentia since my mother died and know that there are two groups of ass bandits. One group is called the Cheek Chuckers and the other the Bum Rushers. Each have their own facilities and rump storage units.

Mike: How will we figure it out?

Maria: (*smiles*) Simple. We visit Agatha, the oracle of ass.


The tale continues as Mike and Maria’s adventures take them into the dark underbelly of organized ass stealing and counterfeit bums. They search for what was lost and trying to bring justice to an assless world, hoping not only reunite Mike with his posterior but stop the ass thieves once and for all.





James Bond, Godzilla and Epic Candy Battles

I’ve been known to do a few creative things in my day, like turn a bunch of old beer labels into a tuxedo and grow a garden of weeds in my closet. But today I’d like to tell you about my attempts in the visual arts.

First, I’d like to tell you about the independent film I made called The Silly Adventures of James Bond and Godzilla in the Land of Mordor.

A sad story

It’s the tragic story of James Bond’s strong friendship with Godzilla that turned sour after Godzilla betrayed James to a band of Mafia Hobbits. James vowed revenge and chased his former friend all the way to Mordor, where an epic battle ensued.

Unfortunately for me, some kid stole my movie and claimed it as his own. He got what was coming to him, though. It turns out that most people saw my masterpiece as the worst movie to ever be created and the poor film student who stole it payed the price. I hear he’s working at a gas station now.

Well, just because the world wasn’t ready for my genius didn’t mean I gave up. I wrote a play, as a gift for my girlfriend on Valentines Day.

A heartwarming tale

It’s called Sweetopia and tells the heartwarming tale of the Chalkheartians, chalky candy hearts battling for freedom from their oppressors the Trufflians, sinister boxes of chocolate truffles. Through hard work, epic confections battles and the power of cheesy sayings, the Chalkheartians fought their way to independence.

No one stole my play, but I wasn’t able to keep it in production. I opted to turn it into a puppet show and it just took too much work to control the puppets week after week, plus the city became angry after I blocked pedestrian traffic with my performances.

Word of advice: Don’t perform a play in the middle of a sidewalk, especially during the middle of the day. You might get a lot of potential audience members, but most of them just want to get to work.