Cow Fetuses Need Love Too – the funky techno remix of a heart-breaking country song

I’ve decided to remake my country music song into a funky techno one. This time, I didn’t sing it myself but paid some random stranger I found walking down the street. I came up with this new risky form of music while taking a shower. I’ve decided to call it the “whatever comes” style of singing, where the music itself is good, but the singing could be anything from sublime to gouge your ears out with a fork.

And what better way to introduce my new style of music than with a funky techno version of the best song in the world? (At least in my opinion. I love my little song like a cat loves coughing up hairballs.)

Lyrics:

You’re the perfect pet, confidant, friend,
we’ll be together to the end.
You never scream, you’ve never lied,
forever young in your formaldehyde
And you’ll never leave me, we’ll never part
“cuz I preserved a piece of your heart

Oh cow fetuses need love too
They aren’t just unborn bovines in jars
Cow fetuses need love too
They ain’t civets, they won’t give you SARS

People give my heart great pain
when they say that I’m insane
They think my cow fetus friends
are just some bizarre new trend
It’s not a trend, it’s not a joke
I’m just a bovine fetus lovin’ cowpoke

Oh cow fetuses need love too
They aren’t just unborn bovines in jars
Cow fetuses need love too
They ain’t civets, they won’t give you SARS

You bring me joy, with your shriveled skin
and your tiny bodies give me a grin
You look happy in your little hats,
so much cleaner than a bunch of cats
You sit there floating happy and free,
but nobody loves you like little old me

Oh cow fetuses need love too
They aren’t just unborn bovines in jars
Cow fetuses need love too
They ain’t civets, they won’t give you SARS

Candy and Car Song Palooza

I got my fiance Candy to sing some of my songs for me. She wasn’t too pleased, but I got her whole keg of beer to make up for it.

I hope you like my Candy and Car Song Palooza. The lyrics are enough to make your mind burst with mind burstingly stuff, especially the ones my mother wrote. The one about the stuff in the back of your fridge is a heartbreaking saga of zombies and rifles.

Jennifer Oberth’s Music Video!

Jennifer Oberth won a contest on my blog for the world’s stupidest business idea. Part of her prize was a custom music video written and sang in the style of Car Johnson. She chose to have the song about her character Ella Westin, part of the Ella Westin Mysteries.

Palemoon Twilight and C.M. Clark are still owed personalized lyrics. Please comment here and tell me what you want the lyrics to be about.

Lyrics:

Ella, don’t you yella
You’re just swella
Can’t you tella?

You solve crime
All the time
Even on your wedding day
You love your man
And have a plan
To make sure that he’s okay

Ella, don’t you yella
You’re just swella
Can’t you tella?

In law’s still a buccaneer
If you believe what you hear
About his shady deals
But he’s fun and a good guy
And you know that’s no lie
So ask him out for a beer

Ella, don’t you yella
You’re just swella
Can’t you tella?

You’re tough and strong
And that ain’t wrong
You really are a sight
So go kick some ass
But not with shards of glass
Because that just ain’t right

Contest for the World’s Stupidest Business Ideas

Today’s post will be written by my friend and creator, Rebekah Webb. It may come as a shock, but I’m not a real person. I actually live here. Well, over to Rebekah:

Hey guys! How would you like to part of something… well, not special, but incredibly fun? I’m talking about a contest. Contests have been the backbone of civilization for countless years, starting with the Og the caveman, who drew his friends’ names out of a hat to see who would get to share his new discovery of fire. Of course, writing and hats hadn’t been invented yet, so they used twigs representing their names and the skull of a captured intruder. Then everyone started arguing over whose stick was whose and it got really nasty. But fear not, for I have made sure to neither use sticks nor skulls in my contest.

Contest

Okay, here’s how it’s going to work:

Ever hear of great entrepreneurs who wow the world with their genius? Those guys are boring, What I want to hear about is the world’s worst business ideas.

That’s right, give me your cat milking farms and food chewing services. Make it stupid, make it destined to failure and make it funny.

The rules are simple:

1. Post your ideas for the worst business ventures in the comments below.
2. Make sure I have someway to contact you, either a website, blog or social media account, so I can make sure you get your prize.
3. Three entries per person.
   
4. Don’t pester the squirrels.They’ve developed a taste for human flesh.

Prizes:

1st prize: Free tee-shirt of your choice from the official Car Johnson apparel shop and

A personalized music video of Car Johnson singing lyrics written specifically for you.

2nd: Prize: Personalized lyrics written by Car Johnson

This contest will close on November 17, where I’ll post the entries up for people to vote on their favorites. The voting will be open for two weeks and I’ll announce the winner on November 29.

-Please share this contest with anyone you might be interested.

 

 

 

 

Cow Fetuses Need Love Too Music Video

I’ve done it! I finally put my precious country song about the lonely road of a cow fetus collector on YouTube!

I hope this will kick start my country music career. I may be from Northern California, but I’m so country, I have my own continent. So, please enjoy my video and I apologize about my voice. If you keep the volume down enough, it won’t peel the paint on your walls, but it may cause small children and animals to wail uncontrollably.