Review of a Movie that Doesn’t Exist – Kill Me With Love

It’s time for another review of a movie that doesn’t exist. This time, it’s the next logical leap from paranormal romance, slasher movie romance.

Chainsaw courtesy of<br />

Kill Me With Love is the tale of Suzy Fodder, a busty college student on a road trip, who finds herself stuck with on a deserted highway in the middle of nowhere after her car’s engine overheats, all four tires go flat and the gas tank springs a leak. Suzy is forced to walk to the nearest town, but at least she has the company of a chainsaw wielding maniac who keeps trying to carve her arms off.

At first, Suzy isn’t too thrilled by her new companion and spends a great deal of time running as fast as she can while trying to get cell reception. But after a while, she gets curious about her pursuer and tries to engage him in conversation. He’s reluctant at first and just waves his chainsaw around whenever Suzy stops running and attempts to speak, but eventually she wears him down and they travel together, learning about each other’s hopes and dreams.

Suzy tells of her dream of finishing school and becoming a pro wrestler, while the maniac (whose name turns out to be Doug) reveals his desire to start a line of clothing crafted from the flesh of his victims. As time goes on, the two grow to love one another, culminating in a scene where they consummate their passion in Doug’s lair, gently making love under a dozen hanging bodies.

I didn’t think I’d enjoy the movie, but it actually turned out to be quite good. Suzy and Doug make a perfect couple and I hope there will be a sequel, where the two have settled down and have a family. Suzy would complain that Doug spends too much time ogling and killing other women, while Doug would feel that Suzy’s wrestling career is taking her away from him.

*Chainsaw courtesy of

Kitten Kittenly – A tale for the depraved kid at heart

The Adventures of Kitten Kittenly

A tale for the depraved kid at heart

Kitten Kittenly had a dream.

She wanted to take over the world.

But she was just a kitten and kittens were only good at pouncing on yarn and climbing drapes.

If Kitten saw one more ball of yarn or one more drape,
she would puke her little kitten heart out all over her kitten bed.

And she knew just where to shove the next ball of yarn a sappy human offered her.

She was tired of bows, she was tired of cuddles.

She was tired of being a precious weshush little pawn of humans.

They were the pawns, not her.

It was high time Kitten used her super intelligence and genetic cuteness for her own devices.

So, Kitten crafted a death ray out of squeaky mice and flea collars,

plus some plutonium and electronics she stole from the super villain next door.

She turned on the death ray and demanded all the world’s governments be handed over to her.

“Here are my demands,” she said,

as she burned half of france just because.

“First, I want tributes of tuna, fresh tuna, not that canned crap! And everyone will do as I say, when I say it, or suffer the consequences!”

So, Kitten forced the world to its knees and made everyone give her tuna, while she lounged around in the sun, doing nothing and gouging the eyes out of anyone who tried to pet her.

Actually, Kitten wasn’t really all that different from a regular adult house cat, except she had a death ray and would regularly burn people to death for fun.

The End

The Adventures of Bunny Bunnington – A tale for the depraved kid at heart

The Adventures of Bunny Bunnington

Bunny Bunington loved to play,

even when everyone told him to shut the hell up.

One day, Bunny found that no one wanted to be around him, so he sulked to the edge of the forest of Lonely Sulking Losers.

The forest was filled with other woodland creatures that sulked off after alienating those around them.

Bunny thought it would be perfect, since he could play with all the other irritating twats that came before him.

But there was a problem. It was the Lonely Sulking Losers forest, so no one actually ever talked with one another, not even when they saw another woodland creature with a new hat they really admired.

So Bunny left the forest and decided to murder all his former friends instead. He was still lonely, but he wasn’t a sulking loser.