Review of a Movie That Doesn’t Exist – How High Is My Beehive?


Here’s another review of a movie that doesn’t exist:

Title: How High Is My Beehive?

Genre: Musical Action

Cast:

Julie Pinkerton: Madonna

Stacy Gaines: Kim Kardashian

Fred Smith: Himself

How High Is My Beehive starts off with two girls Julie and Stacy and one fashion forward man named Fred trying to outdo each other in having the biggest hair. Fred’s starting to lose his hair and only has one more chance to win the group’s coveted “Super Do” title. He ends up stealing a can of experimental hair spray from a spoiled rich girl, who happens to be the daughter of a powerful mob boss. The trio end up on the run from mafia hit men, who stop at nothing to get their prey. They must fight for their lives with only the blunt force trauma of their rock hard hair to help them.

The movie was a little long because of the random musical numbers scattered throughout, but they gave the movie more depth than the typical hair based mafia flick. “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow,” was my personal favorite. It happened just after Fred realized that he was starting to go bald and made me really feel for him and his hair troubles. The line, “My hair was there, does no one care?” just about broke my heart.

I’d recommend this movie to anyone who likes musical action movies about hair obsessed thirty-somethings. But since it doesn’t exist, my recommendation is worthless.

Review of a Movie that Doesn’t Exist – Traffic Jam – the Musical


Another review for a movie that doesn’t exist:

Traffic Jam – the Musical

Genre

Romance/Musical

Cast

William the biker – Michael Caine

Sally the lawyer – Megan Fox

Robert the executive – Rob Lowe

Julie the college student – Emma Watson

The movie Traffic Jam – The Musical is a happy romp through the trials of waiting for a twelve car pile up to be cleared. The four main characters trade insult from their cars, before trading romance with people they never knew they could fall in love with.

The plot itself is pretty straight forward. They main characters fight, fight some more and fall in love right as the accident is cleared up. The songs were what stood out to me. Titles like “Stop and Go” and “Get a Move on, you Stupid &^*$” were great, but by far, my favorite song is when Sally and William state their growing love for each other in “I’ve Been Waiting.”

It goes:

Sally: I’ve been waiting, oh so long, for someone different.

William: I’ve been waiting, oh so long, for someone new.

Sally: I never thought I’d see the day when my life truly started.

Sally and William together: I’ve been waiting all my life, for you!

As you can see, Traffic Jam – The Musical is just what the doctor ordered, if doctors gave out prescriptions for musical romances instead of medicine. And I know this is what’s considered a chic flick, but guess what? Liking this movie has gotten me extra time with Candy and her collection of leather, even though the movie doesn’t actually exist.

Review of a Movie that Doesn’t Exist – Music for Muriel


I’ve decided that my blog needs reviews, since so many people like hearing about the media opinions of others. But I get bored really easily talking about real movies, so I thought I’d do this in the flavor of my interviews with inanimate objects. So, here’s my first ever review of a movie that doesn’t exist.

Music for Muriel

Genre:

Sci-fi/drama

Cast:

Muriel: Paris Hilton

Abner:Hugh Laurie

Greg: Adam Sandler

Music for Muriel is a dramatic family drama with a sci-fi twist. Muriel, played exceptionally well by Paris Hilton, is a bored housewife who spends her time daydreaming about swans, while her husband Abner, a British used car salesman, ignores her in favor of his prized velvet Elvis collection.

Muriel meets her new neighbor Greg, a hard partying alien sociologist undercover as a nightclub owner, who came to Earth to study the mating habits of drunken frat boys. A friendship develops, innocent at first, but it quickly heats up when Muriel discovers Greg’s true identity and informs him of her fetish for foreign men. The line, “I thought Abner was foreign enough for me, but then I met you,” pretty much sums up their relationship.

The movie is touching, yet at the same time has an explosion of action and special effects. It’s like The Bridges of Madison County meets 2001: A Space Odyssey. Muriel and Greg stumble onto a giant obelisk in the dessert from an alien race advertising their soon to come to Earth floating mega-mall and Greg’s wrist computer pulls a HAL 9000 when Greg dumps it in favor of asking Muriel to leave Abner and join him in the farthest reaches of the universe.

The only issue I had is with Abner. His character is never really developed and seems to just be an oblivious husband cliche, right down to his constant attention of his velvet paintings, even when Muriel stands in front of him in a snake skin nighty, holding a pair of handcuffs and a jar of marmalade. The tension of her building relationship with Greg just didn’t feel real when it seemed like Abner would notice his house exploding before he noticed his wife leaving him for an alien Don Juan. Actually, in the scene where his house did explode, he barely noticed it at all and continued brushing his paintings like a scene from a bad comedy.

All in all I give Music for Muriel four and a half imaginary stars out of five. I highly recommend it for all those people who like their romantic relationship dramas with explosions and jealous wrist computers. Since it doesn’t actually exist, you’ll have to put two television sets next to each other and watch The Lifetime network and The Syfy network at the same time, while pretending you’re watching one film.

James Bond, Godzilla and Epic Candy Battles


I’ve been known to do a few creative things in my day, like turn a bunch of old beer labels into a tuxedo and grow a garden of weeds in my closet. But today I’d like to tell you about my attempts in the visual arts.

First, I’d like to tell you about the independent film I made called The Silly Adventures of James Bond and Godzilla in the Land of Mordor.

A sad story

It’s the tragic story of James Bond’s strong friendship with Godzilla that turned sour after Godzilla betrayed James to a band of Mafia Hobbits. James vowed revenge and chased his former friend all the way to Mordor, where an epic battle ensued.

Unfortunately for me, some kid stole my movie and claimed it as his own. He got what was coming to him, though. It turns out that most people saw my masterpiece as the worst movie to ever be created and the poor film student who stole it payed the price. I hear he’s working at a gas station now.

Well, just because the world wasn’t ready for my genius didn’t mean I gave up. I wrote a play, as a gift for my girlfriend on Valentines Day.

A heartwarming tale

It’s called Sweetopia and tells the heartwarming tale of the Chalkheartians, chalky candy hearts battling for freedom from their oppressors the Trufflians, sinister boxes of chocolate truffles. Through hard work, epic confections battles and the power of cheesy sayings, the Chalkheartians fought their way to independence.

No one stole my play, but I wasn’t able to keep it in production. I opted to turn it into a puppet show and it just took too much work to control the puppets week after week, plus the city became angry after I blocked pedestrian traffic with my performances.

Word of advice: Don’t perform a play in the middle of a sidewalk, especially during the middle of the day. You might get a lot of potential audience members, but most of them just want to get to work.