Spending Time With Mother


I decided to spend some time with my mother today. First, she cooked a wonderful lunch of cheese filled roasted marshmallows and Rocky Mountain oyster milkshakes. It was nice to be able to sit and enjoy Mother’s home cooking. It made me appreciate my childhood years, when every night was something special and how much I took fresh baked liver banana bread for granted.

After our bellies were full, we headed off to the custom shooting range Mother crafted in the woods an hour out of town. We fired on effigies of cartoon characters and emptied round after round into stained glassed targets my mother ordered from France. I never spent enough time learning about mother’s passion for guns and exploding rounds when I was a kid. I feel honored that she lets me share in it now.

Then we went to Mother’s favorite strip bar, Bee Raiders, where all the guys wear nothing but a generous slathering of honey. While I have no interest in watching honey covered men dance to techno music, it was nice to do something just for Mother. Besides, she went with me to my favorite strip bar, Oysters Away, where women wrestle in raw oysters, dressed in nothing but hats made out of shucked shells.

After that, we met with my fiance, Candy and went bar hopping late into the night. Mother’s an expert bar hopper and Candy and I could barely keep up. We ended the night in a detention cell, after Mother decided City Hall would look better painted purple. My father bailed us out and that officially ended our special day together. Now I’m planning a special day just with Candy and me. I’ve already rented the marmosets.

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The Adventures of Apathy Man – A story my mother used to tell me


I thought I’d post another of Mother’s bedtime stories.

The Adventures of Apathy Man

Once there was a man named Don Giveacrap, a bored slacker who mooched off his roommates and lamented the state of his life while eating potato chips and playing video games. Poor Don had been born without Enthusiastium, an important protein that gave most people the ability to have fun.

Everything filled Don with weary boredom, from brushing his teeth to blowing up mailboxes with his unstable cousin Ted. He yawned through action movies and slept during football games and spent his last minutes of virginity listening to a book on tape about the mating habits of dung beetles. Don just didn’t… well, give a crap. He couldn’t.

He shuffled through life with a sigh, content to wallow in his boredom. In fact, he started to wallow so much that he built up a stock pile of apathy that would shoot from his fingers whenever he pointed at people. Anyone he happened to point at would immediately lose interest in what they were doing and wander off. This caught the attention of a group of superheroes, The Justice Fighters of Northern Oregon. They were on the lookout for a new hero to join their ranks after Unstable Backstabber Boy decided to become a super-villain.

They gave Don the name of Apathy Man and offered him a dull gray latex costume to match his lack of spunk. “Your power will save countless lives,” Lacrosse Lad told him. “Just think. All the super-villains in the world, brought down by sudden malaise.”

Don just shrugged and reached for his soda, accidentally pointing at the Justice Fighters of Northern Oregon and causing them to wander off and apply for jobs at the local DMV. Don yawned and went back to playing his video game, which he found incredibly boring, despite the constant explosions and beheadings.

And so ends the adventures of Apathy Man, the world’s dullest superhero.

Poem for My Mother


I wrote a poem for my mother today. It’s heartfelt and I hope she likes it.

It took me three hours to draw Mother
My mother

Mother

You’re like no other.

If you were a man, I’d want you for a brother.

If you were a beer, I’d want another.

If you were a wind, you’d be a souther.

If you were a pillow, you would smother.

If you were a choice, I’d say “I’d druther.”

Manny and the Manic Monkeys


Today, I’d like to share a story my mother used to tell me when I was young, called Manny and the Manic Monkeys.

Manny and the Manic Monkeys

One Tuesday, Manny set out to see his Aunt Gretchen. Now Gretchen had a sweet tooth and always appreciated it when Manny brought her some chocolate covered raisins. But on this particular day, Manny got hungry and ate all the chocolate covered raisins. Before he knew it, they were all gone.

Manny was sad. How could he face his aunt without any chocolate covered raisins? Would she understand? Or would she yell at him and call him a toaster, which was a very bad thing to be called in Manny’s family, since toasters stole bread and returned it all burned.

Manny didn’t want to find out. So, he rushed over to a grocery store and tried to buy some chocolate covered raisins. But the store clerk told Manny he needed money to buy the raisins and kicked him out when all he had to offer was a crumpled page of last week’s Reader’s Digest.

Since he didn’t have money and it was too late to go back home and get raisins, Manny decided to head over to the monkey enclosure at the zoo to ask the monkeys if they would grant him a wish. You see, Manny wasn’t all that bright.

The zoo was free to the public on Tuesdays, so Manny didn’t have to pay to get inside, which was good, because as stated before, he was broker than a bald hair tonic salesman. Unless you count his crumpled page of Reader’s Digest, but the rest of the world doesn’t, as unfair as that might seem.

Manny headed into the zoo and straight to the monkey house, where all the little simians were screaming and carrying on and throwing things that are best not mentioned at each other. He picked the monkey house lock, a clever trick his cousin Floyd taught him on one of his many visits home between prison.

The monkeys rushed over to Manny as he climbed into the enclosure. But he never got the chance to ask them if they would be willing to grant him any wishes, because he was too busy being torn apart by mentally unstable monkeys.

The moral of this story: Don’t eat all your aunt’s chocolate covered raisins or you will be eaten alive by monkeys.

Isn’t mother grand?