Cow Fetuses Need Love Too – the funky techno remix of a heart-breaking country song

I’ve decided to remake my country music song into a funky techno one. This time, I didn’t sing it myself but paid some random stranger I found walking down the street. I came up with this new risky form of music while taking a shower. I’ve decided to call it the “whatever comes” style of singing, where the music itself is good, but the singing could be anything from sublime to gouge your ears out with a fork.

And what better way to introduce my new style of music than with a funky techno version of the best song in the world? (At least in my opinion. I love my little song like a cat loves coughing up hairballs.)


You’re the perfect pet, confidant, friend,
we’ll be together to the end.
You never scream, you’ve never lied,
forever young in your formaldehyde
And you’ll never leave me, we’ll never part
“cuz I preserved a piece of your heart

Oh cow fetuses need love too
They aren’t just unborn bovines in jars
Cow fetuses need love too
They ain’t civets, they won’t give you SARS

People give my heart great pain
when they say that I’m insane
They think my cow fetus friends
are just some bizarre new trend
It’s not a trend, it’s not a joke
I’m just a bovine fetus lovin’ cowpoke

Oh cow fetuses need love too
They aren’t just unborn bovines in jars
Cow fetuses need love too
They ain’t civets, they won’t give you SARS

You bring me joy, with your shriveled skin
and your tiny bodies give me a grin
You look happy in your little hats,
so much cleaner than a bunch of cats
You sit there floating happy and free,
but nobody loves you like little old me

Oh cow fetuses need love too
They aren’t just unborn bovines in jars
Cow fetuses need love too
They ain’t civets, they won’t give you SARS

It’s Been a Long Time – And It’s All Because of Instant Shoes

Sorry for not posting here in so long. I ended up on a nearly three month tour as the mascot for my cousin Rina’s new product, Instant Shoes. It was an awesome spray on shoe that came in multiple colors and styles. She picked me to be her mascot, Shoey and even made me a shoe costume to wear while I sang about Instant Shoes and what a great new invention they were.

Rina worked me day and night, which made it impossible to get online to update the blog, not to mention the fact that she forced me not to have any contact with the outside world, so I could fully immerse myself in the Shoey character. Shoes aren’t very sociable, you see.

It was fun and I really enjoyed being a part of such a great product. Unfortunately, it turned out that Rina’s spray was not really suitable for footwear and so the whole business plan collapsed out from under us. Rina didn’t have any use for Shoey anymore and I couldn’t keep going across the country, singing and dancing in parking lots, without the backing of an actual product. I tried that before and it only got me chased from town by the local police. So, I packed up my costume and headed back home and the life I left behind.

But since it was such a good product, I’ve decided to share the lyrics to the Instant Shoe song Rina had me sing:

You’re in a bind, and you can’t find,

Those shoes you thought you had.

The floor is rough, the going’s tough

And what’s that? Oh my god, hot sand!

Do you need a hand?

No, you need a shoe!

But not just any shoe will do!

Instant Shoe, oh Instant Shoe!

Just spray it on and go!

Instant Shoe, oh Instant Shoe!

The cure to no shoe woe!

Well it’s good to be back and I hope you’ve all had fun these past months. And remember, if you want to create a spray on shoe, make sure you don’t use something that washes away in the rain.

Candy and Car Song Palooza

I got my fiance Candy to sing some of my songs for me. She wasn’t too pleased, but I got her whole keg of beer to make up for it.

I hope you like my Candy and Car Song Palooza. The lyrics are enough to make your mind burst with mind burstingly stuff, especially the ones my mother wrote. The one about the stuff in the back of your fridge is a heartbreaking saga of zombies and rifles.

Jennifer Oberth’s Music Video!

Jennifer Oberth won a contest on my blog for the world’s stupidest business idea. Part of her prize was a custom music video written and sang in the style of Car Johnson. She chose to have the song about her character Ella Westin, part of the Ella Westin Mysteries.

Palemoon Twilight and C.M. Clark are still owed personalized lyrics. Please comment here and tell me what you want the lyrics to be about.


Ella, don’t you yella
You’re just swella
Can’t you tella?

You solve crime
All the time
Even on your wedding day
You love your man
And have a plan
To make sure that he’s okay

Ella, don’t you yella
You’re just swella
Can’t you tella?

In law’s still a buccaneer
If you believe what you hear
About his shady deals
But he’s fun and a good guy
And you know that’s no lie
So ask him out for a beer

Ella, don’t you yella
You’re just swella
Can’t you tella?

You’re tough and strong
And that ain’t wrong
You really are a sight
So go kick some ass
But not with shards of glass
Because that just ain’t right

Another Cow Fetus Country Song

I just love country music. Once again, please don’t hold my Northern California soul against me. Country is like a parasite that lodged itself in my brain. Country and I are like peas and whipped cream. (If you haven’t tried peas and whipped cream together, you should come over to my mother’s house. She makes a mean batch.)

This song is shorter than my last, but it’s packed full of good old country punch:

Cow Fetus Picnic

Oh, bring out the corn, bring out the bread,
Cow fetuses can have fun, even though dead.
Let’s fling some horseshoes, let’s not have a care,
Hold your cow fetus straight up in the air!
Their skin is preserved, their jars are sturdy,
Don’t ya’ll think these bovines are purdy?
And if you don’t, we don’t give a hoot,
This picnic is for cow fetus lovers and we’ll give you the boot!

I hope you like it and I’ll be sure to bring you more country song lyrics in the future, some not even about cow fetuses. “The Cold Coffee Blues” is one of my favorites.