I lost my mind today


I lost my mind today. It could be anywhere, but I’m at a loss. Without my mind, I can’t use my mind to find my mind. So, I’ll just search around and chronicle my efforts here as I go.

Did I have it when I woke up? I’m pretty sure I did, but I’ll check my bed anyway.

Nope, no mind there, just what’s left of my memory from last night’s bender. I’m trying to ask it where my mind could have gone to, but all it wants to talk about was how I managed to eat twelve green olives in one gulp.

Okay, moving on.

My mind might be hiding in my closet. I may have scared it with all the brain cell killing last night. Well, here goes…

Nah, just some skeletons. I’d ask them about my mind, but they’re always so secretive and never tell me anything. I’ll just leave them be for now and deal with them whenever procrastination marks it on my calender.

Let’s see. My mind could be anywhere. If I was a mind, where would I be? That’s easy! I’d want to hang out with my collection of toys from my childhood! That has to be where my mind is!

Crap, wrong again. There’s only my inner child, pouting because I don’t need him, since I’m pretty much a giant child without his help. I feel sorry for the lad, but I don’t have time to cheer him up. I gotta find my mind!

Wait, how could I have been so stupid! Oh yeah, because I misplaced my mind… Well, anyway, I just remembered that I installed one of those whistling key ring things in my mind, in case I ever lost it. Actually, it’s a song stuck in my head, but it works the same way. I’ll just sing a few bars and follow the sound of my mind singing back.

“Oh, give me a home, where the buffalo roam,”

-And the deer and the antelope play-

There it is! Now all I have to do is follow the song stuck in my mind!

“Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,”

-And the skies are not cloudy all daaaaaaaaay-

There it is! My mind was hiding in an old psychology textbook of my fiance, Candy. Awww, how cute! It’s curled up on a chapter on cognition. It seems so tuckered out. I think I’m going to let it rest a little bit by watching some professional wrestling.