10 Signs That Someone is Stalking You

I’ve decided to post a handy list of signs that you might have an admirer that’s slightly more obsessed with you than normal.

 

10 signs that someone is stalking you

 

1 Do you see a similar tree everywhere you go? Does that tree seem to be made out of cloth, with holes for eyes in the trunk? Does it periodically giggles maniacally?

2 Do you always seem to bump into same stranger? Is said stranger wearing a shirt with your picture on it? Is the picture one of you sleeping?

3 Does your ceiling sometimes make strange noises that sound like coughing? Does it sometimes yell out, “Move back a bit! The camera can’t see you?”

4 Have you ever found things missing from your home? Has your television been replaced by a giant painted portrait of the stranger you keep bumping into?

5 Is there a dog in your home that you don’t remember owning? Does it have human hands and a head that looks sort of like a Halloween wolf mask?

6 Do people always point over your shoulder and ask, “Who is that creepy looking dude skulking behind you?”

7 Have you ever woken up to find your hair cut? Do you later find a hair knit sweater in the mail that matches your color?

8 Do you receive numerous voicemails that all sound breathy but menacing? Do these voicemails just repeat the words “Stalky stalky stalky” over and over?

9 Have you found a note that says, “Stalk Me” pinned to the back of your shirt?

10 When you’re out driving, have you ever driven past a giant billboard with a picture of your face and the words, “I am stalking this person” written underneath?

 

If you have experienced all ten of these signs, there’s a good chance that you are being stalked. But I am not an expert, so there could be another explanation. You should ask the scary looking person hiding in your closet what they think.

 

Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date

There’s many pitfalls to getting through that first date. How do you make sure you don’t make a fool of yourself or cause your date to throw you through a plate glass window? Well, let my handy list tell you what you need to know!

Ten Things Not to Do on a First Date:

1. Tell your date they have a small round bug on their face and then attempt to pull it off. It’s probably a mole.
2. Say, “I just met you but I’m not much for the dating scene. Can we just do it under the table?”
3. Pull out a spork with a tiny wig glued to the top and say, “This is my best friend Sporky. He goes everywhere with me.”
4. Compliment your date with, “You’re a real freak, but I’m desperate.”
5. Pull out two masks and ask them if they want to help you rob the restaurant you’re heading to.
6. Go to the local garbage dump and show your date how to search for “Trash Mushrooms.”
7. Ask, “How much do you charge an hour?” This is a date. Dates are free.
8. Bring your mother along. Yes, she might enjoy the opera, but it’ll be hard to interact with your date with her sitting between you.
9. When the date ends, ask “How about a goodnight blowjob?” No. First dates are kisses.
10. Grab someone off the street and drive them to the movies. That is not a date. That is kidnapping.