Interview with a Toilet Brush

Okay, here’s another inanimate object interview:

Car: So, Mr. Toilet Brush, what may I call you/

Toilet Brush: TB is fine.

Car: Okay TB, what can you tell me about being a toilet brush?

Toilet Brush: It’s an amazing job! I consider myself a champion against the scourge of germs.

Car: Really?

Toilet Brush: Of course. Do you know how dirty a toilet is? It’s a festering cesspit of disease and grime!

Car: But I flush mine everyday.

Toilet Brush: That doesn’t properly banish the evil denizens of your waste, Car. Which is why I’m glad you use me in your fight against filth. I just wish you wouldn’t swing me around when you pretend to be “king of the bathroom.”

Car: But I disinfect you before I do that!

Toilet Brush: I know, but it’s highly humiliating. Here I am, a soldier on the front lines of toilet warfare, being treated like a prop.

Car: I’m sorry, TB. I won’t do it again in the future. Can you tell me a bit about the life of a toilet brush? Do your people have genders?

Toilet Brush: We were built for one thing and one thing only. Toilet brushes have no need for genders.

Car: So, you guys aren’t male or female?

Toilet Brush: I said we have no need for genders, not that we don’t have them. It’s just really hard to tell us apart. I’m male, but the way.

Car: What about family life?

Toilet Brush: We are trained from a young age by our commanding officers, the bleach and cleaning solutions that sacrifice their lives to destroy the filth. – At this moment, TB wiped a tear from the tip of his brush. – All those brave souls, weakening the enemy so we can scrub them away.

Car: I’m sure they are very brave. Can you tell me about your down time? I mean, what games do you play with other toilet brushes when you aren’t scrubbing away disease?

Toilet Brush: What kind of insulting question is that? I sit here, telling you about liquids braver than either of us will ever be and you ask me what kinds of games I play? I’m sorry, but this interview is over.

I tried to reengage the toilet brush, but he remained silent. So, I made myself feel better by playing “king of the bathroom” and swung TB around like a scepter. I know I promised not to, but it was just too much fun and “king of the bathroom” wasn’t the same without it.

Interview with a Beer Bottle

I’ve decided to do another inanimate object interview. This time, I will interview a beer bottle and video tape it to make sure I get the transcript as accurate as possible.


Interview with a Beer Bottle

Car: So, what can I call you?

Beer Bottle: Party!!!!!

Car: You want me to call you Party?

Beer Bottle: No! Party!!!!! Party!!!!! Party!!!!!

Car: We can party later. Right now we’re having an interview.

Beer Bottle: Awwww. Okay. What do you want to know?

Car: Well, first what would you like to be called?

Beer Bottle: Awesome Sauce Supreme!

Car: Okay, Mr. Supreme. What’s it like being a beer bottle?

Beer Bottle: It’s epic! I get to turn men into gods and party! Party!!!! Can we party now?

Car: Not yet, Mr Supreme. Do beer bottles have genders?

Beer Bottles: Is there a girl beer bottle around? Mine!

Car: No, there isn’t, but I’ll let you know if one shows up. What do you think the main purpose of being a beer bottle is?

Beer Bottle: To party!!!! I’m filled with liquid cool! Drink me! Drink me! Drink me!

Car: Well, okay. I am a little parched. -At this time I grabbed Mr. Supreme and downed his contents pretty quickly. I was still thirsty, so I grabbed a couple of his friends out of the fridge and started to drink them as I continued the interview.-

Beer Bottle: I feel… empty. What’s the point of my life anyway?

Car: -After waiting to finish another beer.- I… don’t know. Maybe you’re an alien trapped in bottle form.

Beer Bottle: That’s absurd. I’m just a mass of shaped glass, a former container for an inebriating liquid.

Car: Huh? Is it getting hot in here? I need another beer.

Beer Bottle: It is quite chilly, Car. Please be careful. Too much of us can cause a lack of judgement.

Car -After finishing a third beer- Too much awesome, you mean! Beer rocks! Let’s go get chicks!

Beer Bottle: I have no legs, Car. I cannot go get chicks. Besides, you’re engaged.

Car: Oh yeah. Then let’s party!

Beer Bottle: You’ll need some of my full friends for that, I’m afraid. My partying days are over.

Car: Awwwwwww. -At this point, I grabbed three more beers out of the fridge and started drinking.- I have a ques…tion. Do you… ever… drink… yourself?

Beer Bottle: That’s impossible, but I seem to absorb the essence of my liquid center as long as it’s withen me.

Car: Aweshum! Let’s party!

Beer Bottle: I already told you Car, my partying days are over.

Car: Party!!!!!

After that, I blacked out and found myself face down in a pile of cardboard boxes. After reviewing the video, I found that I had raided the garage of Halloween decorations, called myself the Pumpkin King and dressed in a fairy princess costume Candy had left in one of the boxes. After cleaning up, I but Mr. Supreme and his empty friends into the garbage and took two aspirin, which gave me an idea for my next interview.