How To Bake a Cake In Twenty Five Easy Steps – For The Baking Challenged

I’ve developed a guide on preparing dessert for those of us who are “baking challenged.”

 

1. Get baking mix from shelf.
2. Clean up baking mix and get second box that wasn’t already opened.
3. Open box with trusty pocket knife.
4. Clean wound created by trusty pocket knife.
5. Pour contents of box into bowl.
6. Add egg to bowl.
7. Take egg out and crack it, then re-add to bowl
8. Pick shell fragments from bowl.
9. Search for spoon in cabinet, find out all spoons are used.
10. Take dirty spoon from sink and hope no one notices.
11. Mix content in bowl until your hand feels like you hit it repeatedly against a wall.
12. Get out electric mixer.
13. Spend ten minutes untangling clothing from electric mixer.
14. Go back to using spoon.
15. Pour batter into cake pan.
16. Remember you were supposed to grease pan.
17. Try to move batter with spoon and spray cooking spray underneath.
18. End up with batter swimming in grease.
19. Remember to pre-heat oven and wait, while batter soaks up even more grease.
20. Put pan in oven.
21. Wait.
22. Wait too long.
23. Turn off oven and open windows to let smoke out.
24. Take out greasy, burned cake and throw away.
25. Serve doughnuts instead.

How to Fake Your Own Death

Ever want to fake your own death? It’s easy with this handy guide.

How to Fake Your Own Death

Step 1:

Make two masks of your face out of blown up photograph pieces of elastic string. All you need to do is print out a photo and glue the elastic string on the sides to make a way to hold it in place.

Step 2:

Hire a stunt double and give him or her your mask to wear. Make sure the stunt double is about your height, build and gender. Awkward questions will arise if they are not.

Step 3:

Craft a mannequin out of flammable clothing and newspaper and place second mask on its newsprint head.

Step 4:

Rig an old abandoned building with powerful explosives. I can’t stress the importance of making sure it really is abandoned. Double check to make sure. You really don’t want to end up arrested for murder.

Step 5:

Have stunt double climb onto the roof of the abandoned building and start screaming out gibberish into a bullhorn. Set up a video camera to record his actions and have the feed go directly to all the computers at your place of business. You may need to hire a computer hacker for this.

Step 6:

Have stunt double dive to the ground and switch himself out with a mannequin. Make sure the mannequin is propped up by something,

Step 7:

Make sure the stunt double has had time to make his way a safe distance from the building and then remotely detonate the explosives.

Step 8:

Sit back and watch as people assume your body was incinerated in the resulting explosion.

Step 9:

Wonder what you’re actually going to do now that everyone thinks you’re dead, since you no longer have a job and all death benefits will go to your next of kin.

Step 10:

Show up at work the next day and claim to have no idea who could pull such a cruel prank. Work at your boring job for the next forty years to pay off the debt caused by hiring a stunt double, high tech camera equipment, computer hacker and explosives.