Taking bites of other people’s food for fun and profit

  I’ve decided to become a food tester. By that I don’t mean someone who works at a company, tasting their new products. I mean I want to start a service for people where I take a bite of their meal to see if the taste is adequate.

This will be greatly benefit society, as many people are fraught with the pain of buying a meal and being disappointed in its flavor. Maybe the burger at that fast food joint was sitting out for a little too long or that new sushi place’s special sauce turned out not to be as special as advertised.

That’s where I come in. I’ll hire myself out to sit next to a person when they’re at a restaurant, with my own special set of utensils. Anytime a new piece of food hits their plate, I’ll grab a bite and test it. If it’s suitable, I’ll give a thumbs up. If it’s not, I’ll spit the food on the floor to signify my disgust.

I’ll also offer a more personal service, where I follow a person around for a day and taste test everything they put in their mouths during said period. Well, almost everything. It would have to be limited to food and beverage. Anything else might end up violating several laws.

To advertise my new job, I went down to the local mall’s food court to give out some free samples. It didn’t go over so well, even after I explained what my aim was. Turns out people don’t like random strangers grabbing their food and taking bites.

I switched tactics and started asking, “Can I have a bite of your food to test for flavor?” That didn’t work so well either. I think I might have to rethink my marketing campaign. Maybe I rent some billboard space with a picture of me biting into a sandwich and the words, “Car Johnson – Food Tester.”

I’m also thinking of a slogan. Either, “Never be assaulted by flavorsuckitis again,” or “Let Car take a bite out of bad tasting food.”

What do you think my slogan should be?

Quick recipe for moochers

Here’s a nice and easy recipe for moochers.

Quick Recipe for Moochers

 

Ingredients –

1 home of a close friend or relative

1 hug per member of household

1 kitchen

1 sad face

2 hands

 

Directions

Head over to the home of your chosen close friends or relatives. Say, “Surprise!” and “Miss me?” then precede to parcel out hugs to each person. Continue to make conversation while slowly making your way into the kitchen.

Put on sad face and let marinate for a few minutes before heading for the refrigerator. The sad face will elicit the sympathy needed to allow access to the food within. Finally, use two hands to grab some food and prepare it in whatever way you prefer.

Food selection will vary by availability and season.

 

 

Pizza, How Could You Burn My Mouth? A Poem of Deep Sorrow

I decided to write a poem about a grave injustice foisted on me by what i thought was an understanding piece of savory pie. Let this be a warning to you, not all foodstuffs can be trusted.

Pizza, How Could You Burn My Mouth?

Bubbling sauce, melting cheese

Taste beyond compare

Welcomed kiss, of hungry teeth

Mouth in anticipation

Blinding pain, hanging skin

My heart betrayed

Pizza, how could you burn my mouth?

I thought we had something special.

Odd Candies You’re Sure to Love

My mother’s unique cooking has given me a taste for life’s unusual foods. Today, I’d like to talk about some of the unique candies I’ve found over the years. Each candy makes me think of mother and fills my heart with warm memories. I’ve never actually tried any of these, but they sound terrific.

1. Hotlix Butterfly Flower Candy

This candy reminds me of mother’s candied moth bites. It also reminds me of my ex-girlfriend who thought she was a butterfly, but Candy (my fiance) doesn’t appreciate me being reminded of past girlfriends, so I won’t go too much into that.

From what I can tell, there are no actual butterflies in the candy, just a regular worm and flowers. Still, worms are filled with wormy goodness and these candies are far prettier than my mother’s chocolate worm cupcakes. Sorry, Mother. 😦

2. Accoutrements Chum Bucket Candy

Candy that tastes like fish guts? Count me in! The site says they taste disgusting, but I remember mother’s fish gut cakes and they were anything but disgusting.

Mother made us these cakes every birthday. The were just plain chocolate cake with a gooey fish gut center. Mother always told us that if we ate enough fish guts, we’d be able to read the thoughts of underwater creatures. I’m still trying to gain that ability.

3. Pit’r Pat Liver Flavored Cat Breath Fresheners

I know it says that these are for cats, but why should felines have all the fun? If mother ever stopped making her liver suckers, I’d snap these up in a heartbeat.

Liver suckers are like eating liver and onions, just without the onion. Mother loves giving them out as Christmas stocking stuffers.

4. Mo’s Bacon Bar

This is a candy bar you can eat at breakfast with a side of eggs. Mother makes some mean steak tartar chocolate balls, but this is as close as you can get, at least until mother starts selling her creations.

5. Sapporo Beer Drops

My mother never made beer flavored candy, but I tried to once. All I ended up doing was nearly burning my house. You see, I’m not really good at cooking. Word to the wise –

Never use lighter fluid on your range top.