Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Oysters in the Oven

Here’s another review for a movie that doesn’t exist.

Oysters in the Oven

Genre – Drama/Educational Cooking Program


Darla – Carmen Electra

Susan – Tilda Swinton

Dave – Tom Hanks

Oysters in the oven is a strange mix of family drama and non fiction instructions on how to make baked oysters. The film follows the lives of Susan and Dave Winston, and Susan’s younger sister, Darla. After Susan and Darla’s parents die in a shucking accidents, the sisters have to put aside family grudges and attempt to save the family baked oyster restaurant. Darla stopped speaking with the family years before after revealing that she preferred her oysters raw and she and her sister spend the movie accepting each other and trying to figure out how to prepare their parent’s famous baked oyster pizza.

The movie would have been a fun little bit of family strife, but the non fiction cooking instructions kept interrupting the narrative. They didn’t just have the baked oyster recipes weaved into the plot. The actors actually stopped in their tracks and started talking as if they were in a cooking show, showing step by step guides to make a recipe, then went back to their original places and continued with the story as if nothing had happened.

I counted ten cooking interruptions, the longest being thirty minutes. It made the movie over five hours long and since I was watching in the theater, I couldn’t just fast forward through the cooking parts. But the recipes were fun and I did learn a lot about baking oysters, so it wasn’t all that bad. I just wish they would have had more interesting recipes. Why just bake oysters when you can cook them in bubble gum flavored syrup and melted cheddar cheese?

Well, since this movie doesn’t exist, you’re going to have to watch a family drama, while pausing it periodically and putting on a cooking show. It won’t be quite the same, but you’ll still learn a lot about baking.