Review of a Movie That Doesn’t Exist – 50 Shades of Avengers


Okay, it’s that time again, when I review a movie that only exists in my mind.

50 Shades of Avengers

Characters

Anatasia – Lily Tomlin

Bruce Banner – Michael Caine

The movie follows a woman named Anastasia who enters into a steamy relationship of bondage with the Bruce Banner, aka The Incredible Hulk, who runs a successful company called Giant Green Guy Enterprises.

Whenever Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into a huge green colored BDSM enthusiast. This causes him to be kicked out of the Avengers Initiative for his repeated attempts to handcuff Tony Stark and Natasha Romanoff together.

He then starts his own business using his scientific knowledge to invent a genetically modified carrot that tastes like a chocolate milkshake. It’s a success and he uses this money to buy dozens of helicopters he can smash together.

One day, a woman named Anastasia decides to interview him, not for any sort of paper, but because she’s kind of odd and enjoys asking famous people random questions. She shows up at his office and starts asking questions like, “If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?” and “What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

Bruce gets angry and becomes the Hulk, then proceeds to chase her around town, throwing cars at her back before he handcuffs her to the top of a skyscraper. Surprisingly, she finds this romantic and gives him her number. I won’t spoil the ending for you, but it involves two tanks, fifteen yards of steel cable and a deflated bouncy castle.

All in all, I think 50 Shades of Avengers was a heartwarming tale of badly researched BDSM and humongous angry green guys. Unfortunately, you will not be able to watch it, as it doesn’t exist. But you can get drunk and binge watch Avengers movies while reading 50 Shades of Grey.

Review of a Movie that Doesn’t Exist – Never Trust an Iceberg


Here’s yet another review of a movie that doesn’t exit.

Never Trust an Iceberg

Genre: Drama/Random video of icebergs

Never Trust an Iceberg follows the life of the chunk of ice that sunk the Titanic and its attempts to put the past behind it and break free from the infamy of being the iceberg. Humans saw it as a remorseless symbol of nature’s wrath, while other icebergs resented the reputation they all got after the Titanic plunged to a watery grave. And yet, the iceberg was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

No one ever remembered the iceberg’s charity work for underprivileged ice chips, or considered the horrible guilt it faced every second, knowing that if it had drifted in another direction, the Titanic and its passengers would still be around. So, the iceberg went on a soul searching journey, disguised as a white whale, making friends and posing for photos with Moby Dick affectionados.

I found this movie to be very touching and the last scene, where the iceberg finds that he’s traveled too far south, made me sob just like a baby who had his candy stolen by a pack of candy thieves. I highly recommend this film, but you’ll have to go Newfoundland and ad-lib dialog for the icebergs off the coast, since this movie only exists in my head.

Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Oysters in the Oven


Here’s another review for a movie that doesn’t exist.

Oysters in the Oven

Genre – Drama/Educational Cooking Program

Cast

Darla – Carmen Electra

Susan – Tilda Swinton

Dave – Tom Hanks

Oysters in the oven is a strange mix of family drama and non fiction instructions on how to make baked oysters. The film follows the lives of Susan and Dave Winston, and Susan’s younger sister, Darla. After Susan and Darla’s parents die in a shucking accidents, the sisters have to put aside family grudges and attempt to save the family baked oyster restaurant. Darla stopped speaking with the family years before after revealing that she preferred her oysters raw and she and her sister spend the movie accepting each other and trying to figure out how to prepare their parent’s famous baked oyster pizza.

The movie would have been a fun little bit of family strife, but the non fiction cooking instructions kept interrupting the narrative. They didn’t just have the baked oyster recipes weaved into the plot. The actors actually stopped in their tracks and started talking as if they were in a cooking show, showing step by step guides to make a recipe, then went back to their original places and continued with the story as if nothing had happened.

I counted ten cooking interruptions, the longest being thirty minutes. It made the movie over five hours long and since I was watching in the theater, I couldn’t just fast forward through the cooking parts. But the recipes were fun and I did learn a lot about baking oysters, so it wasn’t all that bad. I just wish they would have had more interesting recipes. Why just bake oysters when you can cook them in bubble gum flavored syrup and melted cheddar cheese?

Well, since this movie doesn’t exist, you’re going to have to watch a family drama, while pausing it periodically and putting on a cooking show. It won’t be quite the same, but you’ll still learn a lot about baking.

Review of a Movie that Doesn’t Exist – Traffic Jam – the Musical


Another review for a movie that doesn’t exist:

Traffic Jam – the Musical

Genre

Romance/Musical

Cast

William the biker – Michael Caine

Sally the lawyer – Megan Fox

Robert the executive – Rob Lowe

Julie the college student – Emma Watson

The movie Traffic Jam – The Musical is a happy romp through the trials of waiting for a twelve car pile up to be cleared. The four main characters trade insult from their cars, before trading romance with people they never knew they could fall in love with.

The plot itself is pretty straight forward. They main characters fight, fight some more and fall in love right as the accident is cleared up. The songs were what stood out to me. Titles like “Stop and Go” and “Get a Move on, you Stupid &^*$” were great, but by far, my favorite song is when Sally and William state their growing love for each other in “I’ve Been Waiting.”

It goes:

Sally: I’ve been waiting, oh so long, for someone different.

William: I’ve been waiting, oh so long, for someone new.

Sally: I never thought I’d see the day when my life truly started.

Sally and William together: I’ve been waiting all my life, for you!

As you can see, Traffic Jam – The Musical is just what the doctor ordered, if doctors gave out prescriptions for musical romances instead of medicine. And I know this is what’s considered a chic flick, but guess what? Liking this movie has gotten me extra time with Candy and her collection of leather, even though the movie doesn’t actually exist.

Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Killer Bees with Bonnets


It’s time for another review of a movie that doesn’t exist.

Killer Bees with Bonnets

Genre:

Horror/Children’s Movie/Mafia Crime Drama

Cast:

Billy the Bee – Chuck Norris

Sally the Bee – Pamela Anderson

Tod Jones – Gary Oldman

The Bee Gang – CGI

This is by far the weirdest movie I have ever seen. It’s like someone shook the tree of movie genres and went with whatever dropped on their heads. The movie starts out with two killer bees, Billy and Sally, gathering pollen for the Annual Beestraviganza. (Instead of animation, the chose to dress the actors up in bee costumes.) They get chased by a man with bug spray, meet a nice family of fleas and head back to their hive with plenty of pollen.

Then the movie switches tone and Billy and Sally head into a smoky back room to discuss illegal shipments of sugar and getting protection money from a couple of rebellious humming birds. They send out a horde of low level thugs called the Bee Gang and a bloody scene involving feathers and humming bird stew ensues.

Billy and Sally run afoul of a police officer named Tod Jones, played by Gary Oldman.  He plays the character like his role in The Professional, despite the fact that the character is actually a noble cop and never actually does anything  crooked or shady in any way. It’s really strange to watch him help an old lady up after chasing Billy, while jerking around with a creepy drugged out smile on his lips.

The movie got even stranger after that. During a raid on the hive, Sally unleashed a potent virus on the Bee Gang, turning them into mutant killing machines. It backfired when they attacked everyone, bee and police alike, and Billy and Tod Jones had to team up to fight them, shooting their way deeper into the hive as the Bee Gang stalked them in the dark.

I still can’t figure just who the target audience of this movie is. It starts out like something you’d find on a video for five year olds, but turns into a mafia movie bloodier than the Godfather trilogy. Then it changes again into a monster movie with darkened corners and boo-factor suspense. The video actually had Horror/Children’s Movie/Mafia Crime Drama printed on it as the genre. Just what were they thinking? (I never did figure out what the bonnet in the title referred to.)

There’s no way to replicate this experience, unless you hit yourself on the head while watching cheesy children’s movies from the 70s, mafia films and monster movies. The subsequent dream may end up somewhat like Killer Bees with Bonnets.

Review of a Movie that Doesn’t Exist – Music for Muriel


I’ve decided that my blog needs reviews, since so many people like hearing about the media opinions of others. But I get bored really easily talking about real movies, so I thought I’d do this in the flavor of my interviews with inanimate objects. So, here’s my first ever review of a movie that doesn’t exist.

Music for Muriel

Genre:

Sci-fi/drama

Cast:

Muriel: Paris Hilton

Abner:Hugh Laurie

Greg: Adam Sandler

Music for Muriel is a dramatic family drama with a sci-fi twist. Muriel, played exceptionally well by Paris Hilton, is a bored housewife who spends her time daydreaming about swans, while her husband Abner, a British used car salesman, ignores her in favor of his prized velvet Elvis collection.

Muriel meets her new neighbor Greg, a hard partying alien sociologist undercover as a nightclub owner, who came to Earth to study the mating habits of drunken frat boys. A friendship develops, innocent at first, but it quickly heats up when Muriel discovers Greg’s true identity and informs him of her fetish for foreign men. The line, “I thought Abner was foreign enough for me, but then I met you,” pretty much sums up their relationship.

The movie is touching, yet at the same time has an explosion of action and special effects. It’s like The Bridges of Madison County meets 2001: A Space Odyssey. Muriel and Greg stumble onto a giant obelisk in the dessert from an alien race advertising their soon to come to Earth floating mega-mall and Greg’s wrist computer pulls a HAL 9000 when Greg dumps it in favor of asking Muriel to leave Abner and join him in the farthest reaches of the universe.

The only issue I had is with Abner. His character is never really developed and seems to just be an oblivious husband cliche, right down to his constant attention of his velvet paintings, even when Muriel stands in front of him in a snake skin nighty, holding a pair of handcuffs and a jar of marmalade. The tension of her building relationship with Greg just didn’t feel real when it seemed like Abner would notice his house exploding before he noticed his wife leaving him for an alien Don Juan. Actually, in the scene where his house did explode, he barely noticed it at all and continued brushing his paintings like a scene from a bad comedy.

All in all I give Music for Muriel four and a half imaginary stars out of five. I highly recommend it for all those people who like their romantic relationship dramas with explosions and jealous wrist computers. Since it doesn’t actually exist, you’ll have to put two television sets next to each other and watch The Lifetime network and The Syfy network at the same time, while pretending you’re watching one film.