Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Star Search Wars

Review of a movie that doesn’t exist – Star Search Wars

 

Cast

Ed McMahon – John Stamos

Han Solo – Justin Timberlake

Leia Organa – Miley Cyrus

Kylo Ren – Justin Bieber

Warning! A few major spoilers for the real movie below.

Everyone’s reviewing the new Star Wars movie, but no one’s reviewing the lesser known entry into the franchise (most likely because it doesn’t exist), a fun musical romp about a televised musical competition in a galaxy far, far away. It takes the characters from Star Wars and gives them to actors who are able to bring forth a side we’ve never been allowed to see of them before: that of pop-stars.

The story follows Han, Leia and their son, Ben, who travel the galaxy after the fall of the Empire as a musical group called Who Shot First? After spending some time getting trained by his uncle Luke to use the force as auto-tune, Ben decides to betray the family band and start his own solo career under the name Kylo Ren.

After that, Luke moves to a remote planet and became a crazy cat Jedi, while Kylo Ren tops the charts with his song, “Vader Swish,” a touching tribute to his grandfather and his awesome choice in capes. Leia and Han attempt to keep the original group together, but they eventually leave the music business behind and return to the dull worlds of resistance fighters and smugglers.

Several years later, Ed McMahon calls them all together as judges for the new season of the galactic broadcast of Star Search, a show where contestants sing, dance, or juggle light sabers to win a prize of 10,000 space pounds, which is actually quite a lot of money since the quantum franc collapsed.

Tensions run high when they all get together for filming the first episide and Kylo Ren challenges his parents to a sing off on live television. This results in a fierce song and dance battle, with plenty of smoke machines and pyrotechnics, as each person sings their heart out. Quite literally for Han, who has a heart attack and falls from the stage.

The movie ends with the canceling of the rest of the season of Star Search and having it replaced with a game show called ‘What’s my Wookiee Anyway?’ where contestants have to perform improv to entertain their wookiee host, or risk having their arms ripped from their sockets.

If you want to know what this movie would be like if it were real, find old clips online of Star Search and watch them on your phone while viewing The Force Awakens in the theater.

Review of a Movie That Doesn’t Exist – Bobby the Freak

Here’s my latest review of a movie that doesn’t exist.

Title: Bobby the Freak

Genre:  Comedy

Cast:

Bobby Malone – CGI version of Wayne Newton

Grace Malone – Julie Newmar

Jack Malone – Paul Reiser

Della Vance – Scarlett Johansson

The movie, Bobby the Freak, tells the story of Bobby Malone, a strange twenty-something man who wears odd clothing and collects dead bugs. His parents, Grace and Jack, don’t know what to do with him, so they send him off to “Camp Freakaway,” an intensive self help seminar meant to scare the normal into him. He meets a no nonsense counselor named Della, who becomes his love interest. He convinces her to help him escape camp and go on a cross country road trip to the world’s largest snow cone before it melts.

Let me tell you, this movie was pure genius. I really identified with Bobby and his freakish ways. I didn’t identify with his family life, since my parents are also as odd as I am. But that really doesn’t matter. The movie was charming and I found myself rooting for Bobby and Della’s trek, as Bobby learned to understand normal people and Della learned to unleash the freak within.

The only problem was that Bobby wasn’t enough of a freak. Sure, he did odd things and wore garish clothing, but it was mild compared to real freaks such as myself and my family. Where were the shoes made out of soap or the attempts to start a honey business by dressing as a bee and stealing a hive? But I can live with the Hollywood version of a freak if the movie’s compelling enough. And this one was. Good job, Freak Studios.