Children’s Books of the Damned part 2

I’ve decided to post some new “Children’s Books of the Damned.” That’s what people always end up calling them. Or they call them “What the hell” or “You’re an evil evil man.” Despite that, I feel they are perfectly sweet little stories and children everywhere will learn wonderful life lessons from these tales.











The first book is called Cloud, the happy unicorn who was eviscerated and turned inside out. It’s a bit tragic, but I feel that a good way to introduce children to the concept of death is through a happy prancing unicorn that gets mauled by several angry ogres.












Baby’s First Bender is a cautionary tale about the dangers of allowing infants to imbibe in alcohol. Read this to your little cherub and they’ll think twice about crawling over to the liquor cabinet or outdoor beer cooler.











Persistent Vegetative State – A choose your path book was my attempt at creating those interactive adventures I used to read as a kid. But I didn’t really want to bother with all the complicated paths involved in such a story, so I created a plot that would have a minimal amount of actual choices.











I Saw Mommy Killing Santa Claus is my attempt to create a murder mystery for young readers. There is a severe lack of murder mysteries for the under ten age group.











No, you can’t be a tiger when you grow up… you little moron is based on a story my mother used to tell me and my sister when we were kids. It’s a sad tale of face paint and the hard realities of a four year old’s future non-tiger career choices.


See? My children’s books aren’t that bad. They’re enchanting tales that will give children lots of of dreams for years to come.





Children’s Books of the Damned

I decided to try to write some children’s books, but it didn’t turn out so well. Someone actually called them “Children’s books of the damned.” I don’t know why, though. They’re perfectly reasonable stories. Here’s a few of them for you to decide.


This first one was my try at an epic fantasy war story for the under one crowd. I wanted to inspire youngsters to know that just because they couldn’t walk yet, didn’t mean they couldn’t be a part of protecting their home from invading orks. Even children can be heroes.


This one was my attempt to talk to kids about death. I think it turned out quite well, actually.


Superman capes really do make you fly. I saw it in a comic once. They’ve never worked for me, but that’s probably because I haven’t tried hard enough.


This is a fun story about a cat who travels to magical worlds after a fun ride in the dryer. Kids love dryers and they love cats, so I put the two together.


This a cautionary tale to make sure kids don’t overuse the toilet and strain themselves. I guarantee that you’ll only have to read them Toothy once and they’ll never make unnecessary trips to the bathroom again.


Kids will learn to cook with Stabby’s playful antics. They may even decide to cook on their own and give you a break!


This one is a little different from the others. It’s a story my mother used to tell me. I’ve faithfully reproduced her words so other children can enjoy her sweet tale.


So, what do you think? Are these really “books of the damned” or do I have something here?